RPC Draft - Phantom Social Workers
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/raggabox-6
This ended up being a bit shorter then I originally expected; maybe it works, maybe it doesn't.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
[BEING REWRITTEN] RPC Draft - Phantom Social Workers
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» [BEING REWRITTEN] RPC Draft - Phantom Social Workers
Summary:
Rewrite in progress, please do not crit.
(account deleted)I personally like this concept and can open up to tales relating to it.
Any metallic restraints or medical equipment that will need to make physical contact with RPC-XXX-A
Could be worded more formally, maybe "Any metallic restraints or medical equipment necessary for physical contact with RPC-XXX-A…"
wearing professional attire
You should be more descriptive with this, both because it would be important to describe how they clothe in detail in-universe and because most people dont know what "professional attire" could entail.
RPC-XXX instances will perform an inspection of the home and children
This sentence sounds weird, nevermind how short it is. You should expand on what RPC-XXX does, or even just say they do the same checkup the entity they claim to represent does.
Internally, RPC-XXX-A are constructed from various forms of detritus, generally leaves, tree branches, and wild mushrooms.
That's a nice mental image, but you could make a footnote measuring where exactly does RPC-XXX-A's human exterior ends (The skin? Sub-dermal? Till the fat?). Also, is the internal and external part fused to eachother?
who have not received appropriate training from perceiving this in any way, including during medical examination
What training do you need to realize it's a changeling? Is it a cognitohazardous effect? Is the material itself anomalous? Expand on this
Well the idea of folklore monsters skulking the earth in modern enviroments is a classic one and this is a fresh take on modern faeries that I'm liking. We'll see where you go w- Wait what do you mean it ends right there.
That's way too short, it feels like you just started the article and left it there. The Authority doesn't try to deal with the Fae in any mattter (wouldn't bringing awareness of "fake social workers" to parents in affected areas and recommending them to report their ID to their respective agency before letting them in help massively?) (has The Authority not tried to test iron on the RPC already? Seems like a missed opportunity), we never get any interviews or autopsies of the -A instances to see if they're sapient or not, or hell we never got to interview the affected parents. Lots of missed potential here.
first off, i'll say that i couldn't really find any spelling/grammar mistakes in this draft or any cases of odd wording, so i'll commend you for that. other than that, this has a pretty neat base concept, and i can see you were going for a flash-fiction mystery angle, but this article's length is to its detriment. shortform works of this nature can be really good, but this only leaves me itching to see more done here. there's a number of interesting directions you can take this article:
- the whole "fae" or nature angle could be leaned in on. why are these seemingly occult, fairy-like beings kidnapping and replacing children? are they angry with humans for some reason? is this like some kind of ritual for them? i see the article's based on the urban legend, but you could also do some reading up on old english/scottish/irish/whatever folklore and intertwine the article with it. to add, if you made the anomaly less worldwide and centered in just the uk, it would add more of a coherent atmosphere.
- the fact that authority agents haven't seen or interacted with any of the social workers feels a little contrived and like a missed opportunity to gain some insight into what's up with these guys.
- there's potential lying in the thing with the XXX-A instances. the description says that they act as and believe themselves to be the original children, but in the containment protocols they're confirmed as non-sapient? how do these things react to being taken from what they think are their homes and put in containment? or maybe you could go for a creepier effect, in that they're crude inanimate figures that people outwardly see and treat as regular kids.
in the end i have to agree with what fleshward said. apologies if my critique post is kinda short, but i really don't have that much to say. all in all, you gotta add some meat to this draft's bones.
blabbo
/forum/t-16755355/being-rewritten-rpc-draft-phantom-social-workers#post-