RPC-013 -- PERFECT DARK
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/alma1960
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RPC-013 -- PERFECT DARK
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» RPC-013 -- PERFECT DARK
Summary:
Halloween Contest entry + Black Site
(account deleted)critted this on discord
also the constant, blatant shoehorning of 13 everywhere makes it apparent that you just needed a reason for this to quality for the contest
theres no cleverness to it, it's just there because 13 is a scary unlucky number
you dont really do anything new with the whole times square incident scenario either, you deliver it in this weird straight-forward way, yet the entire premise of this event is that its supposed to be mysterious and offputting
the interview sections are what really shines here, but other than that the setting beyond setting up an admittedly brilliant hook for the Lightswitches is bland
theres no thematic cohesion
what would be neat is to see something like fledgling Research personnel slowly piecing it together before being suddenly intercepted by black site
you dont have to rewrite this because its good in its own way
4/5
but if these concerns could somehow be addressed it would be a 5
~Baubi
You were right the interviews really are what makes or break this and they broke it.
The number 13 being shoe horned in on everything is annoying. Just have it be involved with the page numbers instead of being every other mention.
I share baub's opinion on the times square screaming incident being uninteresting as well
I feel as if the interviews themselves are just way too weak. My eyes just ended up glazing a bit. I know you said it was supposed to be the meat of your article but uhhhh where's the beef? Yeah nowhere. Gone. This bitch is a vegan meal that shit is a soy burger. You get what I mean. I feel like all the interesting bits happen before that point with all the weird media photos and log recordings
Although I will say… the grammar and concept are neat though. Those are some redeeming factors. I like the idea of the info literally breaking this guys mind and he is unable to properly convey anything.
Other than that. Ehhhhhhhhhhhh 3/5
Cover:
The following case is considered SEALED and is to remain classified until further notice. Distribution of this dossier is forbidden.
Isn't "Document" better than "Case"?
BS-3+ Clearance required to view. Specialized amnestic assets will be utilized if viewing requirements are not met.
Idk, I fell like more levels of clearence on top of Black Site being what is is, is kinda dumb. They are already supposed to be the small group that knows everything the Authority can't, but now they also have clearence on that information. Is there also a Blacker Site for pass Level-5 clearence?
Overview:
This file exists to inform personnel…
I think you need to settle on one term, its alreayd been called: case, dossier, file, and document.
The Authority Black Site is responsible for performing all operations that the Global Directors must not have direct or complete oversight of, for their own safety. C-138414 involves a large amount of highly sensitive data, of which an undisclosed number of Global Directors must remain unaware in order to ensure organizational stability. For these reasons, the following documents have been sanitized for personnel handling.
The Authority's Black Site*
I think this is kinda dumb, since I assume all Black Site personnel already know this information, and how BS works. maybe tone it down?
RPC-013-1
which would result
which results* (I don't think the "would" is needed)
Subject in question
The subject*
I don't really like the page 13 description, it feels like a MASSIVE exposition dump, and you use the number 13 a lot, like, a lot. It feels too direct to what its trying to say, especially the "Week that didn't happen" part on top of everything else. Maybe make it a little more subtle.
RPC-013-2:
RPC-013-2 transmit variable sequences
transmits*
primarily manifesting as migraine
migraines*
Remember that the Week did happen.
Why is "week" capitalized
[B smiles at A.]
Really? I don't this is necessary
PoI-7916
Open Recovered Image Scans
I'm kinda confused by those. What are they supposed to mean? Why are they there? Is there a part missing or something?
PoI-7916 is currently kept in Site-279's C Wing
C-Wing*
PoI-7916 Interview Archive:
for your activity in the past THIRTEEN months
I think this is kinda too over the top
The Week that Didn't Happen.
I still don't think you should capitalize this
I think the interviews are the meat of the article, and they do a pretty god job. But GODDAMN NIGGA you use 13 a LOT, like, A LOT
Final Review:
It good, It pretty good. 4/5
I already pointed out all my issues, and I think this article would greatly benefit by not being so direct with its symbolism
the extraordinary conditions experienced by the Authority during year 1960
"in 1960" or "in the year 1960"
sanitized memories up to the year 1961 and prior to year 1959
"prior to 1959" or "prior to the year 1959"
Suggest Change: shorten to "up to 1961 and prior to 1959"
and is largely not anomalous.
This is kind of unnecessary since it would be true for most anomalies, but I don't have a problem with you keeping or removing it either way.
Location and date are unknown.
It's not really clear what you meant by that, I think if this is referring to the date and location of origin of the book you can just merge it with the last line.
inhabitant of Mexico, Capital City
I don't think "Capital City" was ever used in such a way to refer to Mexico City?
Suggest Change: inhabitant of Ciudad de México, Mexico (or just go with "Mexico City, Mexico", ditch the country name if that feels redundant)
Subject in question
"The Subject in question" or "Subject" or "PoI-7916"
attempting repeatedly to expose them to RPC-013-1
Suggest Change: repeatedly attempting to expose them to RPC-013-1
RPC-013-1 was left in possession of his grandchildren, later retrieved by law enforcement and handed to the Authority
Given that it doesn't seem to have nothing to do with the informant, mentioned in the next sentence, tipping off the Authority that could only mean the Mexican law enforcement discovered the memetic agent of the book independently and caused a few people to also remember 1960, so what happened to them.
Either that or you should move it to the next paragraph after the mentioning of Authority involvement.
SUBJECTS 1 - 13 AND 15 - 26 ARE TO BE EXPOSED TO CONTENT ON INDIVIDUAL PAGES, WHILE SUBJECTS 14 AND 27 ARE TO BE EXPOSED TO ALL 13.
But that would leave one set of test with only 1 subject to test with? (1-13 (13) and 15-26 (12))
Bob
Call him OllIe
That might be too on the nose
And Bob there arrived to his house
arrived at
Dr K. Britt
Dr.
as well as generalized radio jamming
general
on a certain frequence
frequency
Local Authority personnel were alerted following reports of generalized malfunction of radio devices along the northmost edge of the city.
general
always consisting on devices being jammed by an identical
of
an identical broadcast not unlike that of a numbers station.
Suggest Change: Shorten to "an identical broadcast similar to that of a numbers station"
Most commonly associated with intelligence operatives in foreign countries.
I'm not sure that can refer to countries as "foreign" under the context of a clandestine organization
had significant overlap with those provoked by RPC-013-1.
overlaps (?)
013-1/13.
013-1/26.
013-2
High-Priority Internal E-Mail for MST X-Ray 7 Site 279 Salt Lake City — 07/07/2014
Site-279
July 6th, 1953
So even he wasn't an actually survivor/witness of the Time Square Incident?
now-destroyed Site-008-EX, located northwest of Manhattan
The Manhattan Site shouldn't have the 008 site, Site-008 was established as far back as 1910s. Even if the designation was given to them after the destruction, it would still require it designation change in systems and documents in the Panama Site.
ocassionally remembering and forgetting events and their characteristics
occasionally
PoI-7916's behaviour is nervous
PoI-7916 is in a constant nervous state
Involuntary repetition of syllables, words and phrases.
, and phrases.
or the extraordinary conditions experienced by the Authority during year 1960.
his possession of highly sensitive data believed to have been previously excised during a massive amnestic campaign in the 1960s.
While I like the reference to Time Square Incident being kept as vague as possible and the avoidance of direct name-dropping, it does gives off the feeling that even some of the personnel in Black Site doesn't know of what happened. And if that is the implication, it doesn't makes sense for even the "info-expungers" to not know of the event.
I did it to make people remember like me
I did it to make people remember, like me
I wouln't have made them sick.
wouldn't
What is the mechanical structure in the left side?
on the left side
Fifth of January, nineteen-sixty. That's the date when it started. The Week that Didn't Happen. And it ended in the thirteenth.
There are 9 days?
Nineteen-seventy eight
"Nineteen seventy-eight" or "Nineteen-seventy-eight"
You ommitted thirteen
omitted
Because thirteen is a number of misfortune
Suggest Change: Because thirteen is the number of misfortune (Being his opinion, the other numbers can be disregarded)
a number of fear
Suggest Change: a number to fear
Nineteeen-sixty and that
Nineteen-sixty
White Fates
Do you mean "White Faces"?
with too many eyes and spines inbetween
in between
They have to be taken down before they live long enough to become villiains.
villains
as there is no way maintainment personnel could have hidden the neglect their facilities have suffered
maintenance
The only thing I have left is the constant 13 reference. (And yes I know you've decided to remove them already but still,) While I understand Abascal did it to make people remember, it doesn't make sense though for there to be references of 13 in situation that Abascal couldn't control (E.g. the 13-18 age group that he teaches, on the chase for 13 months). The reference to 7 (being much more minimal then 13) worked better in the story.
I like the containment facilities too, but now the interpretation of the Time Square Incident is getting more different with each author's take. Baub wrote of the incident as some big containment breach that broke the masquerade. Tarb gave me the implication of an entity bending space time to make 1960 "not happen". Now this one is straight up apocalyptic.
I also don't know why Omega Iota would release the book seeing as BS make it out that they barely know what happened to their facilities. I supposed the book could be a manifestation of the desire to warn everyone before its too late, But the fact that you put Bob (Omega Iota Stand-in) as the protagonist it just feel like they were behind it.
Grammar issues
- such in recorded or memetic format
such in recorded or memotic format
- replace with "with its first twelve folio not exhibiting any anomalous properties"
and is largely not anomalous.
- and then repossessed by the Authority
and retrieved by the Authority
- RPC-013-1's anomalous properties had apparently not been noticed by the police force.
No law enforcement personnel appear to be aware of RPC-013-1's properties.
- Bob is jumping from the ground
Bob jumps from the ground
- [Bob is staring into the sky
[Bob stares into the sky
- Twelve other obelisks can be seen
Twelve other obelisks, can be seen
- "Give up your wills
"give up your wills
- as well as general radio jamming to regional
as well as general radio jamming, to regional
- makeshift
make-shift
- located throughout North Mexico
located throughout northern Mexico
Writing errors
- I am unsure whether this length is important to the plot, but it's too long for two people to sit in absolute silence especially if it is during an interrogation. Shorten it by counting in your head in silence, imagining the movements of the characters, then pick the appropriate time.
[A pauses for 18 seconds.]
[A pauses again for 19 seconds.]
[Pause; 39 seconds.]
[Pause; 14 seconds.]
[Pause; 36 seconds. PoI's mouth is moving, but his speech isn't registered.]
[Pause; 38 seconds. Towards the end of the pause, PoI begins whispering to himself.]
[Pause; 28 seconds.]
[Pause; 17 seconds.]
- Incorrect, the email says he is 1.8
Height: 1.85m
- This would be abit of a mouthful to say quickly, better replace the numbers with 'him', 'the prisoner', or something similar.
I need help! There's something wrong with 7916!
- These growths prove to be highly resistant to physical damage, and visually similar to skeletal fingers.
These growths are highly resistant to physical damage, and are visually similar to skeletal fingers.
- lmao
local news media failed to pick up on the case and Mexico City's high crime rate quickly distracted law enforcement.
- Unless these items are important details, shorten it to "abandoning most of his belongings save for a small choice of apparel suited for travel"
abandoning most of his belongings save for three full sets of clothing (socks, pants, underwear, shirts) and a pair of jackets
- Both of these mean before "year". Did you mean "prior to 1959, and after 1961"?
up to 1961 and prior to 1959
All in all
I'll finish this section in a few hours, need to go, but so far it's a wobbly 4/5
Righto, where was I…
It's a good horror story, with a anticlimactic ending and topic drift.
The story has great tension building, which genuinely spooked me as it progressed. It implied that something went horribly wrong that day, something so bad that the Authority required the help of the UNAAC and an unknown third party, and that it required mass amnesticization of not only the civilians, but seemingly the Authstaff as well.
And now, something is stirring once again. The old man was the first who starts remembering due to his natural immunity for amnestics.
Then a plot twist: Was it all just the hallucinations of a single man, who spread his madness through anomalous means, prodded by the book that came out of nowhere? But then, he dies and this is left unanswered.
Except it is.
The article which would have had an incredible impression if left vague is explained in the last addendum, instead gives the reader the answer to all the interesting questions.
All the tension that is created throughout the article doesn't go out with a bang, or leaves the horrific sense of unease of not knowing what had happened, but is simply released like a wet flatulence.
It was just a joint operation between three groups, with OI shoehorned there for good measure. The horror of having anomalies running rampant in the ocean is not even that scary any more, because they were already once contained. There is no horror in having to return something that was already caught, and only got out because the guards, for some reason, just actively ignoring containment protocols without explanation.
The topic of superstition is also just thrown in there for good measure in the shape of the recurrence of the number 13. Superstition and bad luck just don't have a presence in the story as they should, and that's a shame.
In conclusion, the article is spooky, it's an alright OI article, but a bad contest entry with an unsatisfying ending.
Right!
Grammar And Tone
Normally there would be something here. However, I literally don't remember a single grammatical error, possibly due to my level of intoxication, exhaustion and the high quality of grammar here.
Proper good work here Alma. Either that or I'm just really, really drunk right now.
Structure and Lore
I'm going to go out on a limb and ask, what exactly is the Times Square Incident (TSI)? Baub, Tarb and this article seem to come up with 3 different answers. And if the answer is "it's different for every single person" then I'm marrying my flatmate so I can join the RAF and bomb Argentina.
There's no problem with it left vague, but right now there doesn't seem to be too much of a plan of sorts. I mean, me and Fifth and Liber and Scriber spent 10 months total coming up with the lore for 749.
Also, what is the Authority's relationship with OI? Are they cooperating in keeping the TSI a secret? And what's with the O-Sites? Are those Authority Sites? Blacksites? OI locations? I feel that the article could benefit from telling us what those are, or at least mention it lightly beforehand.
Finally, the use of "three eyes" could be potentially confusing, as not many will know that the "three eyes" mean OI. A footnote or even a 068-style info box about Omega Iota will do.
Content
The idea of an incident that the Authority successfully made everyone forget, though previously done (SCP-4000), is still a cool idea. Though I remain a bit stilted regarding it's injection of "13", the most common unlucky number, I think the rest of the article holds up and keeps me a bit interested.
Though exactly what the OI has to do here seems lost on me. The article is from the perspective of Blacksite asking about the TSI, which don't directly link to OI (unless OI is the cause of TSI in which case why not also have some OI personnel be involved in the questioning of 7916). I can't help but feel that OI could be removed from the article and it would still work.
Narrative
While not something that goes "holy fucking shit", this narrative is more than serviceable for this article. Of course, it seemed like it was setting for an unknown payoff that never came, much like a denied orgasm. The Addendum about the Sites seemed untied to the rest of the story and abrupt especially since they were not mentioned at all. Think your criticism on my [Mother of Time] thing.
It's a decent article, but it leaves questions of confusion to those who don't know what OI is, as well as some who do.
Suggested Reading/Reference Material
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-068/
http://www.rpc-wiki.net/rpc-749/
The integration of GoIs to articles.
4/5 right now.
/forum/t-13787521/rpc-013-perfect-dark#post-