RPC-954-J

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954

Fake news.

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Registered Phenomena Code: 954-J

Object Class: Gamma

Hazard Types: Immesurable

Containment Protocols: All known roads leading to RPC-954-J are totally snaked with traffic, with all persons known to have knowledge apparently having been issued amnestics before it was possible to ask them directions. News reports of RPC-954-J are to be censored by agents embedded in major media corporations to prevent other agents from wasting their time with this bogus vibe.

Description: RPC-954-J is a phenomenon affecting human subjects in the U.S.A, and possibly other places too. It makes subjects looking for a good time believe that the beach where “Spring Break” occurs is a real location, enticing them to visit with rumors and other information claiming to originate from the unconfirmed city. Details include "bodacious[sic] pool parties" and "radical hugs plus drugs", although all has been confirmed as malicious hearsay.

Attempting to locate RPC-954-J will induce confusion, disorientation, slurred speech, and balance issues, consistent with severe inebriation as well as intense frustration.

History: Initial expedition to RPC-954-J

During spring recess of 2009, Junior Agent Boyle and Junior Agent Musgrove announce plans to visit 954-J for personal reasons. However, as they tried to find the location, they were unable to. This was when they first began to suspect RPC-954-J's anomalous properties.

Day 1
Initially, agents planned to locate RPC-954-J via the interstate highway system. As the agents looked for the exit leading to RPC-954-J, they could not locate it, and instead took an incorrect turn leading to a small residential neighborhood. After agents procured directions to the highway, Agent Boyle attempted to make their way back to it. However, when leaving the neighborhood, they left via the wrong road, and were not able to reach RPC-954-J before the sun went down. Agent Musgrove has severely reprimanded Agent Boyle for this action.

Day 2
The following day, Agent Musgrove made an attempt to relocate the interstate highway system. After leaving the area they had stopped at for the night, he tried to make their way back to the neighborhood. However, severe overgrowth of tree life over the road signs prevented agents from locating the road signs to navigate back to the neighborhood. This is currently believed to have been a hostile act by RPC-954-J. With the approach of evening, agents attempted to locate a motel to stay for the night.

Day 3
After being unable to locate a motel, agents slept in some backwater road they'd been driving on in circles for about 3 hours. Declaring the expedition to be "A [sic] goddamn waste of time" and that "this town ain't even close to a real deal.", agents agreed to abandon the expedition and return to base.

Day 4
Agent Boyle and Agent Musgrove return to base.

After returning, both Agent Boyle and Agent Musgrove independently reported on RPC-954-J's effect to their colleagues, often recounting their lack of success in finding it and becoming very agitated during these retellings. Further study and trips to locate the area are pending the completion of stress counseling for both agents caused by a lack of vacation relaxation.

Dudes, you totally missed out. It was like, totally groovy and reports say the water was both surfable and splashable. Better luck next year! -Director Carl

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