RPC-949

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Registered Phenomena Code: 949

Object Class: Alpha-White

Hazard Types: Grouped, Sapient, Transmutation

Containment Protocols: RPC-949-A, RPC-949-B, and RPC-949-C are currently contained in a Class-I standard containment chamber in the Containment Wing of Site-016.

Description: RPC-949 is the designation for three tables, dubbed RPC-949-A, RPC-949-B, and RPC-949-C respectively.

The dimensions, materials, and structure of the RPC-949 instances periodically transmute at seemingly random times. The materials that instances of RPC-949 have been constructed from have included wood of various types, metal, glass, plastic, and vinyl. RPC-949 instances have taken various shapes and sizes, such as a one-legged circular top or a four-legged rectangular top. There seems to be a limit to the sizes at which the RPC-949 instances can exist, as all instances have never had a top that has been more than 4.5 x 6 meters or a height of over 1.5 meters.

Shortly after the RPC-949 instances transform, a DISPUTANDUM Event occurs. During an event, three ~40 - 50 year-old Caucasian male individuals — designated as RPC-949-1, RPC-949-2, and RPC-949-3 respectively — appear by rising out of the floor/ground as if it is a liquid. Each individual is clad in formal wear, including a dark-grey suit and a red tie. Each individual has a pin attached to their breast, which is rectangular in shape and has "IoTR" emblazoned on the front.

  • RPC-949-1 is an approximately 1.8m tall Caucasian male with brown hair and a small beard.
  • RPC-949-2 is an approximately 1.7m tall bald Caucasian male.
  • RPC-949-3 is an approximately 1.8m tall Caucasian male with brown hair.

These individuals will then begin a discussion about the tables, arguing as to which one is the "best". These discussions are formal in nature, with arguments rarely occurring. A typical DISPUTANDUM Event can last from ~25 minutes to over ~2 hours.

When a DISPUTANDUM Event ends, RPC-949-1 through -3 will say goodbyes to each other, and sink back into the floor/ground.

ADDENDUM

DISPUTANDUM Event 3/23/2020


— BEGIN LOG

[RPC-949-1 is the first individual to appear. It waits for 4 seconds, after which RPC-949-3 appears.]

RPC-949-1: Greetings, glad you could make it.

RPC-949-3: Yes, glad to see you. Where's Thomas?

RPC-949-1: He should be here by now.

RPC-949-3: We'll just have to wait then.

[RPC-949-2 quickly appears, and looks exhausted.]

RPC-949-1: Ah, there you are. What took you so long?

RPC-949-2: [Pants] Sorry, sorry. I was at a table convention, didn't… I didn't realize we were having a debate today.

RPC-949-3: Ugh, another one of those table conventions? Which one… let me guess, CounterCon?

RPC-949-2: Cou– yep, it was CounterCon.

RPC-949-1: You need to take a break from those conventions, Thomas.

RPC-949-2: Yeah, I know. Anyways, what do we have today?

RPC-949-1: [Glances at the RPC-949 instances, and begins writing in a notepad] Hm. First one is rectangular, made of wood. Second's also rectangular, but slightly smaller. It has wooden legs, though its top is glass. Third one is… huh. What would you call the third one?

RPC-949-3: Uh, "blob-shaped"?

RPC-949-1: Alright, blob-shaped. Looks to be made out of orange plastic, doesn't have any legs.

[RPC-949-1 closes its notepad, and faces the other entities.]

RPC-949-1: So. What do we think?

[Silence.]

RPC-949-2: [Smacks lips] I'd say the first one is the best. Nice and simple. Clean. What I look for in tables. You?

RPC-949-3: Well, I do agree, simple can be good. But I do like the second one better; Those floral patterns on its legs look quite beautiful.

RPC-949-2: Hm.

RPC-949-1: [Faces RPC-949-2] I'll have to agree with you. The first table looks the finest. Simple and efficient!

RPC-949-2: Exactly! Glad we're on the same page here, Chancey. We'll also have to consider safety, though. The corners look a bit sharp, no?

RPC-949-1: True, true. But the second one would be even sharper if someone were to fall onto it. [Chuckles]

RPC-949-3: Friends! We're forgetting the third.

RPC-949-1: Ah, yes. Thank you for reminding us, Richard.

RPC-949-3: I think… I don't know how this one would be efficient at all.

RPC-949-2: Yes, that's what I'm thinking. Looks more like some pretentious art piece. Though plastic could be efficient.

RPC-949-1: Yes, yes. We could recycle used plastics.

[At this point, Junior Researcher Simon Earlman is sent inside the Containment chamber in an attempt to conduct an interview with the entities.]

EARLMAN: Ahem, hello?

[The individuals turn towards Earlman.]

RPC-949-1: …who's this?

RPC-949-3: I— I have no idea. Who are you, young man?

EARLMAN: Uh, I'm Junior Researcher Simon Earlman of the RPC Authority. I ju-

RPC-949-3: Wait, wait, wait. RPC Auth-what now?

EARLMAN: Me and some other guys have been, erm, studying these tables.

RPC-949-2: You mean these? [Points towards the RPC-949 instances]

EARLMAN: Y-yes. We want to find out why they keep changing their form, an-

RPC-949-1: Hey, we're just as confused as you are. We don't know how these things work! All we know is that they look like… they look like tables.

EARLMAN: What are your… your pins for?

RPC-949-1: What, so you're just gonna jump to another question?

EARLMAN: Sorry. Just, like, what are those pins for, what does IoTR stand for?

RPC-949-1: [Sighs] Thomas, do you want to answer this one?

RPC-949-2: Well, we're members of the Institute of Table Research. We're recording the appearances of the tables, and…

RPC-949-3: …and attempting to find out which ones are the best and most efficient. We cannot live in a world where dysfunctional tables exist.

EARLMAN: Er, so why don't you just take the tables for yourself?

RPC-949-1: Wh— what? You think we'd actually do that? We're not… we're not barbarians! We wouldn't take someone else's table, or— wait a second, why are you even asking these questions? What do you want from us?!

EARLMAN: I'm just tryi-

RPC-949-3: Yeah, since when did this become some sort of police interrogation?!

RPC-949-2: What… what are you trying to accomplish? You can't just bombard us with a bunch of questions and expect us to comply like a bunch of minions!

RPC-949-1: Just fuck. Off. alright?

EARLMAN: No, you don't under-

RPC-949-1: No, you don't understand. We're just trying to analyze these tables, but nooooooo, you have to burst in and beat us with questions!

RPC-949-2: Do you know how hard we work to find the perfect table? Do you?

EARLMAN: N-no…

RPC-949-2: Wow, you really don't know? Look at this guy, he has no idea!

[The entities laugh.]

RPC-949-1: Our world has been suffering from the worst table shortage in decades and our people are dying because of it, yet you just have to shove your questions in our faces, and… ugh!

EARLMAN: Suf— suffering? What?

RPC-949-1: You idiot! People need tables to survive, we've needed them ever since we started existing!

RPC-949-2: C'mon guys, let's leave. Hopefully he'll be gone when we come back!

RPC-949-3: Tsk, if we come back!

[The entities quickly sink back into the floor.]

— END LOG

No further interviews are currently planned.


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