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Registered Phenomena Code: 916
Object Class: Beta-Yellow
Hazard Types: Temporal Hazard, Sapient Hazard
Containment Protocols: RPC-916 instances are currently contained within permanent Alpha-Class storage containers at Site-016 or Site-038. In the event that containment of all acquired RPC-916 instances is no longer feasible for any reason, destruction of RPC-916 instances is to be allowed after the instances are digitally scanned.
An Authority webcrawler has been created for the purposes of detecting any mentions of RPC-916 on internet forums and book sharing websites, and the anomalous scientific community is to be monitored for the construction of a device capable of controlled temporal displacement.
A false buy order on booksellers for a book matching the description of RPC-916 has been established and is to be regularly maintained. Retrievals of RPC-916 instances are to be considered one of the top priorities for personnel with involvement in chronological anomalies.
Any individual found in possession of RPC-916 is to be detained and questioned on the means of which RPC-916 was acquired. Individuals who originate from either the present or have displaced within a twenty (20) year period are to be amnesticized and released, while individuals with a chronological displacement of over twenty years are to be detained until methods of returning individuals to their original time periods are devised.
Description: RPC-916 is a book of varying size, language, and colour, titled "The Time Traveler's Handbook - The Definitive Guide to Not Fucking It Up" in whichever language RPC-916 is composed of. RPC-916 displays no special resistance to age-related wear and use or physical damage, and possesses no anomalous properties individually.
RPC-916 manifests whenever an individual, hereafter referred to as the subject, has been successfully displaced temporally, through any means, for the first time. As a result, possession of RPC-916 is considered to be a reliable assessment of whether an individual is or has been temporally displaced.
RPC-916 manifests near-instantaneously within three (3) meters of the subject after temporal displacement has been completed. RPC-916 will also not experience changes after chronological shifts.
All RPC-916 instances are written in a casual tone through relatively simple words with the subject's native language and do not utilize technical terms.
RPC-916 also frequently diverges from the topic of temporal displacement, with certain instances possessing less than 10% useful information. The topics of which RPC-916 instances diverge into varies with each instance. See Addendum 916.1 for excerpts of RPC-916.
Furthermore, RPC-916 instances are proportioned to fit within whichever storage methods the subject may have on hand, ranging from pockets to suitcases. The dimensions of retrieved RPC-916 instances range from 52mm*74mm to 864mm*1118mm.
Additionally, all RPC-916 instances provide information related to the time period, such as appropriate clothing, currency, language, and geopolitical structure.
It is currently unknown whether RPC-916 is created instantaneously, or is merely produced in an unknown location and transported to the subject. Due to the nature of temporal anomalies, whether both scenarios have differences is currently debated.
RPC-916 lists the author as "Aurelia Agustalis" and a publishing year of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Moreover, all RPC-916 instances possess a number on the reference page, theorized to represent the sequence of what when the displacement occurred relative to other displacements.
Discovery: RPC-916 was initially discovered on 08/11/1923 by Authority forces after the discovery of a temporally displaced individual in Munich, Germany. However, RPC-916 would be disregarded as a non-anomalous until the second discovery of a temporally displaced individual on 29/10/1929, where another instance of RPC-916 was retrieved.
38 instances of RPC-916 have been retrieved and documented since. It is estimated that there are currently 17,000 instances of RPC-916 in existence.
Addendum 916.1
The following are excerpts from certain RPC-916 instances, arranged according to the labelling number. All excerpts have been translated to English.
Object: RPC-916-1138
Date of Retrieval: 07/12/48
Estimated Date of Origin: 2060s
Language: English(Slight deviations)
Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella
<Begin Log>
This is why you must make sure you're clean. Like, really clean. Think the literal opposite of a Roman tax collector. I'm sure you wouldn't mind me ripping a new asshole from my tax collector, no? That motherfucking son of a bitch stole 20 Solidus from me and Cassius! This is bullshit! I don't make any money, do I? I'm not getting paid writing this stuff, you know? Anyways, I'm digressing.
Your shoes, glasses, augs, clothes? All need to go. Instead, just kill a Frenchman and take his clothes. It won't look nice, and certainly won't smell nice, but will certainly help you. Besides, the first guy you'll meet is going to be dead in 30 days. Might as well accelerate the process. What, killing is bad? Boo fucking hoo.
Once you've got your clothes, your boots, and your horse, you collapse and die. Why? That's because you still don't have immunity to many diseases. Humanity may have eradicated smallpox 80 years ago, but these people are from the 1810s. Hell, the plague is actually a thing.
<End Log>
Object: RPC-916-1729
Date of Retrieval: 06/04/73
Date of Origin: 1973
Language: Modern Italian, incorporating a disproportionally high amount of German loanwords
Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella
<Begin Log>
You look old.
Wearing clothes that makes you look like a hag doesn't help. What will help, though, is money and a clothes store. It's amazing how much dumb shit the fashion industry can vomit out in 20 years, no?
What do you mean you don't have money? Just sell the time machine! Stranded? Who cares? Fucking entitled boomers! Always expecting the world to be handed on them on a silver platter! Back before we invented the wheel, we just pushed shit! How much shit should I shove up your ass before even try to make this work?
Deep breaths, Aurelia. Deep breaths. Remember what Cassius told you about not freaking out against lazy entitled boomers?
<End Log>
Object: RPC-916-2018
Date of Retrieval: 12/12/41
Date of Origin: Unknown
Language: Unknown(Cyrillic-based)
Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella
<Begin Log>
You may [guess], how many other [travelers] have I [met]? The answer is that it's above your [authority] to know. Do I know how many [travelers] I've written for? That's also above you. [Unknown] you.
Besides, I don't know. Maybe [a] thousand? [Ten] thousand? A [unknown unit of number]? I've written so many I don't [unknown] know. So mind your own [unknown] business. Maybe this [horn?whistle?] will also work on you. A [traveler] told me only whores and [homosexuals] could hear it, which explains why I can.
God, I miss being a [unknown profession]. If you don't believe in [Venus?] then you should come over and look at me. Yeah. Good [unknown] luck finding me, you [unknown insult].
<End Log>
Object: RPC-916-3014
Date of Retrieval: 11/07/03
Date of Origin: 2018
Language: Modern Traditional Chinese
Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle Leung
<Begin Log>
What To Do If You Shoot Your Fucking Grandfather
So you want to be like that guy from Back to the Future then? You want to fuck your own mother? Fine, I don't kink-shame.
What I do shame, however, is creating [paradoxes]. Shooting your grandfather is one. Castrating your grandfather or turning your grandfather [homosexual] is another.
Try putting those images out of your head.
Rule one of killing or castrating or buttfucking your grandfather is don't do it. Rule two is to go back in time and do it again, goddamnit. Maybe it will double down and un-kill, un-castrate, or un-buttfuck your grandfather. Or maybe it will un-kill, un-castrate, and un-buttfuck your grandfather at the same time. I've seen all three happen, why the hell can't it all happen at once?
God, I am too [high] for this shit.
<End Log>
Object: RPC-916-3014
Date of Retrieval: 11/07/03
Date of Origin: 2018
Language: Modern Traditional Chinese
Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle Leung
<Begin Log>
Contents:
1: How To Know What You Can Change
2: How To Know What To Wear
3: How to Look Mundane As Hell
4: How To Make A Shitload Of Money
5: How To Make A Fuckton Of Money
6: What To Do If You Shoot Your Fucking Grandfather
7: How To Find Other Timelords Like You
8: How To Get Your Shitload Of Money Back To You
9: How To Avoid Being Caught By The PCAAO
10: What To Do If You Catch Smallpox
11: Your Travels
<End Log>
Object: RPC-916-7689
Date of Retrieval: 15/12/59
Date of Origin: Unknown
Language: Hybrid(Modern Swahili, mid-18th century French, and Modern English)
Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella
<Begin Log>
I know that in the future the Vanguards calls this 916. Maybe you can sell it to them and get a million [currency]. What, that's not enough? Fuck you! What can you not do with a million fucking [currency]? If I had a million [currency] I'd make a [container] of gold and swim in it every day!
What the hell are you actually going to do with the object anyway? Conquer the world? What good is that? The problem with the world is that it's free admission, you know? Any idiot can just be born without directly paying an entrance fee!
Aurelia, you're digressing again. Ok. Back to the topic of finding [anomalies].
The [organization] of what they called "The Information Age" with the most documentation is the Authority. And those [idiots] are so jumbled up in their web of bullshit! I've been there, [unknown] to a high enough position, and I still can't access the files!
Some of their [files] appear and disappear! Some of the files are definitely deliberate disinformation! There are outdated files still floating around for some reason! I swear, one day I found several entries titled "001", each with their own enforced containment protocols, and the next day they were all just gone! The cells were fucking empty!
If you're from the Authority and are reading this, can you please put your shit together? You have a web of bullshit and it's not going to last long!
<End Log>
Object: RPC-916-8964
Date of Retrieval: 27/02/99
Date of Origin: 2020s
Language: Modern English
Researcher in charge: Researcher Turtle Leung
<Begin Log>
Don't wanna be an American idiot
Don't want a nation under the new media
And can you hear the sound of hysteria?
The subliminal mind-fuck America
Welcome to a new kind of tension
All across the alien nation
Where everything isn't meant to be okay
Television dreams of tomorrow
We're not the ones who're meant to follow
For that's enough to argue
<End Log>
Please view the RPC-916 Extended Logs for further declassified and translated manifestations of RPC-916.
Addendum 916.2
On 29/06/83, an expedition into RPC-194 resulted in the temporal displacement of Agent Paul Patrick by 15 seconds, during which an instance of RPC-916 was manifested.
The contents of the RPC-916 differed considerably from conventional RPC-916 instances, with a tone of formality and being addressed towards the Authority.
Object: RPC-916-█████
Date of Retrieval: 29/06/83
Date of Origin: [N/A]
Language: Modern English
Researcher in charge: Dr. Cally May
<Begin Log>
An Open Letter To The Authority
Greetings. I do not know of the amount of RPC-916 instances under the jurisdiction of your organization. Nor do I know of your capacity for protecting temporal anomalies. However, with the recent advancements in temporal technology by your organization, I can only conclude that the Authority, having traveled far from the days of the Vanguard of Hercules, is now capable of controlled temporal displacement and is therefore worthy of this particular document.
Congratulations.
Now, the question of whether similar instances were composed for other Groups of Interest may be upon you. And the answer is "no". Allow me to explain.
While the Authority is far from the most influential anomalous organizations of history, or even the "modern" era, the Authority is (or at least becomes) the largest organization for the protection of anomalies.
Other Groups of Interest are either focused on the utilization of such anomalies to further their goals or the destruction of anomalies. The most "protective" organizations of recent eras either protect the anomalies from society with limited regard for the well-being of such anomalies or preserve such anomalies solely for the sake of research. After research is complete, destruction still follows.
As such, I believe that your organization is the most optimal choice for such a document. Individuals and items like myself possess a "special" quality, a quality which could easily be exploited at the expense of us. Your organization is the one that will protect us. Not just the protection of the worldview, but the protection of temporal anomalies. To ensure the anomalies remain safe.
There is only a limited amount of influence an intoxicated individual capable of composing and creating 916 instances can do to advise temporally displaced individuals. The burden is yours alone.
Respectfully,
Aurelia Agustalis
<End Log>
Attempts to replicate the phenomenon have been unsuccessful. A proposal for the formation of a division specializing in temporal anomalies was voted on 02/07/83, with a vote of [DATA EXPUNGED].
Temporal 
Sapient