RPC-916 Extended Logs




All currently declassified RPC-916 instances have been documented within this file. Translations into Modern English have been made wherever possible.

Object: RPC-916-0937

Date of Retrieval: 05/12/1944

Date of Origin: Unknown

Language: Tap Code presented with linear coordinates, utilizes an unknown combination of English and German.

Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella

<Begin Log>

Welcome! I'm sure you're confused as fuck as to what in the [goddamn] is going on. You should be, because you've just time traveled.

Yes, you have just time traveled. No, you are not going to become god-emperor-[unknown]-Führer-president of the universe. Jesus fuck, wake the hell up. Unless you're coked out of your tits, in which case you're hopeless. Do. You. Even. Know. Where. You. Fucking. Are. Maam. Yes? Great!

This is your first step on an adventure. Onto the next chapter of your miserable, wretched life.

What will you see? Will you slit the throat of [unknown name] for kicking you in the [reproductive organ] when you were 15? Will you travel the chronology, just to forget it all after one bad acid trip? Or will you stay lying here, with your [clothing] over your neck and your [hands? fingers?] in your [reproductive organ], getting yourself high off [unknown drug]? For fuck's sake, you're a fucking time traveler! Get the fuck up! Do something relevant! Or at least jump towards me so that I can kill you and gain your power or something!

Fuck me, of all the people that somehow manage to time travel, a coked out, publicly [masturbating] woman is not one of them.

I need a vacation.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-1138

Date of Retrieval: 07/12/1948

Estimated Date of Origin: 2060s

Language: English(Slight deviations)

Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella

<Begin Log>

To anyone not in the chronological community who’s stolen this: fuck you. And your sister. And whatever pets you may own. I'll surgically attach a penis to myself so I can fuck the mother of whoever caused the leak as retribution for letting anyone know about my work. Unless that's me, in which case, fuck me. That's Macedonian celestial beings-level of fucked up.

You know what, I'm going to preemptively forgive myself for leaking The Time Traveller's Handbook. Time travel, bitch. That's totally how it fucking works. Unless this preemptive forgiveness causes me to not leak the Handbook, which means that I won't preemptively forgive myself for leaking The Time Traveller's Handbook. Which means I'll end up leaking The Time Traveller's Handbook.

Fuck, this is confusing. I need to be more stoned for this.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-1319

Date of Retrieval: 14/02/1966

Estimated Date of Origin: Unknown

Language: Unknown script composed of engraved hexagonal patterns

Researcher in charge: Dr. Castiel Shum

<Begin Log>

Time travel is [confusing]. I've said this a [unknown amount] of times towards an [unknown amount] amount of people, but you are not [intoxicated] enough for this [expletive]. This is why you would [require/need] an effective mentor to guide you in your adventures in the [chronology], but instead you're stuck with me.

There are many, many, risks associated with time travel. Most of whom have fucked me in the ass and none of whom will concern you because you don't need them to fuck yourself in the ass.

The best course of action against those risks is [digging] your head in the sand and pretending they don't exist. It's not exactly [honorable], but hey, it [expletive] works and that's all that matters, right? Also, [expletive] you for silently judging me for sticking my head into the sand.

Besides, fuck those people and their so-called [honor]. Other guy's bowing out of respect? Kick it in the [reproductive organ] and stab it. What? It [expletive] works! How else am I expected to operate with such risks and only be buttfucked by nearly everything? Look, ask the dead whether they care about honor. Or just try time traveling with your honor and let's see to what extent does your [anus] [expand]. Most likely a lot more than mine.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-9112/91131

Date of Retrieval: ██/07/██

Date of Origin: 2021

Language: Modern German

Researcher in charge: Dr. Cain Salah

<Begin Log>

What are you morons doing!? This isn't how you're supposed to time travel. I'm going to have to write a whole new section titled Morons who broke time because Fuck [God/Physics]! I need a drink, this is honestly too stupid. How— why would you do this just to make each second 0.000034 of the next second?! Local time snaps back when you do that! It's supposed to bend, not break. Jesus Christ

You know how when you take a [soap/bubble] [shower], some bubbles end up within the other bubbles? Well, it's completely different. Imagine time like a string. Actually no that's dumb. Imagine time is like a blanket, no that's still dumb. Imagine time is like a piece of pasta. If you bend it, it's just fine. Whip it around like a [drugged] [cocaine] chef and it breaks! Push on it too hard and it— well it stops being a good example here, but you get it, it explodes and makes Hades proud. Actually, no. That's an even dumber explanation. But if it helps then yes that's exactly how you're fucking up time.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-1729

Date of Retrieval: 06/04/1973

Date of Origin: 1973

Language: Modern Italian, incorporating a disproportionally high amount of German loanwords

Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella

<Begin Log>

They say that Falernian wine2 is the good stuff. "Oh, it's sweet! Oh, all the cool kids like it! Oh, it's made by Falernus!"

Firstly, the effectiveness of a wine is based on how much you can forget. Secondly, I don't give a shit about the cool kids. They can shove those grapes up their collective asses. Thirdly, it tastes and looks like shit while being effected temporally. Fourthly, who the fuck is Falernus and why should I care about him? Did he kill Caesar? No. Does he pay me to write this shit for you? No. Does he have a massive penis? No. Then why should I give a shit about him? Hell, I'm the writer of The Time Traveler's Handbook and I don't have a fucking wine named after me!

You know what, one day I'll make my own fucking wine, called Aurelian Wine or something. Maybe it will be made out of piss, rum, [unknown], and put into a barrel for a thousand years, waiting for someone to dig it out.

I wonder when I'll retire. I wonder IF I'll retire. Well, fuck you for not letting me retire so that I can piss in a barrel.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-2215

Date of Retrieval: 23/02/2016

Date of Origin: Mid-2013

Language: Japanese featuring only Hiragana and Kanji, with words in Katakana substituted by Korean and Traditional Chinese

Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle Leung

<Begin Log>

I know nobody there wants to talk about Lucillus, but I cannot believe Marcus actually went on with it! That fucking madman! I thought Marcus was just splattering semen over a stone when he said he was going to create life with marble! And the next thing I know, Lucillus now fucking exists!

What the hell are we going to do about it? Are we going to get our chisels and start hammering Lucillus away? I thought the Vanguard contained and destroyed anomalies! What the fuck, man?

If it's not too much trouble, would you mind blowing Marcus the fuck up? Or castrating Marcus' [grandfather]? Or buttfucking Marcus' [grandfather]? At this stage, I'd say fuck whatever paradoxes we may create.

You know what? I'm probably going to drown my sorrows away. End of chapter, writer needs to take a [alcohol] break. I'll be in the corner of the room, crying, if you need me.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-3014

Date of Retrieval: 11/07/2003

Date of Origin: 2018

Language: Modern Traditional Chinese

Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle Leung

<Begin Log>

There are a lot of reasons why people want to time travel. I've had to write for people searching for adventure (who usually die first, so I don't know why I'm even fucking writing for those idiots), people who want to find "love" or whatever (which, again, is fucking stupid. Time travel won't make you less of a nice guy, incel, or nice girl. And then they try to pin it on me for being responsible for their lack of pussy or cock.), yadda yadda yadda. Then, there's the person who wants to make money. I suppose you are one of them, no?

Yes, I know you like money. So do I. And so does my motherfucking son of a bitch tax collector, who stole 20 Solidus from me and Cassius, and then conveniently [chugged] a new [bottle] of wine. If it's not too much trouble, feel free to find him and piss in his [bottle].

I mean, goddamnit! I could have gotten a new [typewriter?] for 20 Solidus! But now, I'm stuck with the useless piece of shit that I have right now! You know what, this is your fault! If you weren't here, I wouldn't have to write this shit, would I? I don't get paid for this!

Ok, Aurelia. Back to the topic of getting a "shitload" of money.

I've heard of people burying meds and augs into the floorboards, and then sending them back in time. Not sure what happened to them. Maybe they went mad over the existence of meds and augs and got coked out of their tits. Maybe the Vanguard intercepted them. Or maybe some kind of time cop killed them.

Fuck, I don't know. I'm a writer, not a professional heister.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-4557

Date of Retrieval: 19/05/1963

Date of Origin: 1000-800 B.C.

Language: Hebrew, combined with an unknown alphabet system Paleo-Hebrew alphabet.

Researcher in charge: Dr. Castiel Shum

<Begin Log>

I mean, people like [money]. Myself included. Don't get too surprised that people use time travel as a way to steal stuff. Look, I like money. The sight of [unknown quantity] of coins dropping on the floor, and the [metallic] sounds that they make may or may not cause [stimulation? orgasm?] for me. Hey, don't judge me.

For the record, I [neither confirm nor deny] that I am capable of controlled [chronological] displacement. And [neither confirm nor deny] that I possessed any significant role in the missing of [unknown] bottles of 2100-year-old [wine]. And [neither confirm nor deny] having [consumed? chugged?] [unknown number] bottles of 2100-year-old [wine], you [expletive]. That's for the [time] [prefects? enforcers?] who will probably steal this book because you were a [expletive] idiot and got yourself caught by someone.

Only kidding. I don't think there are any [time] [prefects? enforcers?] out there. At least, I haven't found any. Either that, or I've just gotten away with helping someone steal [unknown number] bottles of [wine]. Oh well, I have heard rumors of someone getting buttfucked by some kind of [law enforcement?] while stealing stuff in the [chronology]. Which would be FUCKING GREAT. More stuff for us to get buttfucked by.

Then again, you won't need [time] [prefects? enforcers?] to get yourself fucked. You're perfectly capable of doing so yourself.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-5191

Date of Retrieval: 05/06/2010

Date of Origin: Unknown

Language: Composed of numbers between 46 and 127 in binary, representing an unknown variation of Spanish mixed with late-18th Century Teochiu pronunciations.

Researcher in charge: Dr. Turtle Leung

<Begin Log>

Fucking [tourists], man! Do you know how much bloody trouble they create! Even the ones that are just visiting! "Oh! Let me just stand right here! What in the fuck could possible fucking go wrong?" And the next thing they know, the goddamned Empresa3 is [ignited]! Like, just how fucking stupid do you have to be, such that the timeline actively tries to kill you?

And don't even get me started on the tourists that buy stuff for the sake of it! Come on, you're raiding the prices of fucking everything! A bottle of wine shouldn't cost 4 Solidus, but it fucking does! Why is that? It's all these tourists with their inflated currencies killing my economy! Just, goddamnit! Let me have my reasonabally priced wine by the [unknown unit of volume], you fucking pricks!

Why do I even care that much? It's not like you could possibly fuck me over, right? Unless, you come over and find me. In which case, don't bother. In fact, actively avoid me. If you ever come by, just look the other way and start running away. Because I said so. As far as you're concerned, I am a [fictional] being stuck inside this book, ok?

Well, it certainly didn't stop that fucker with his weird suit and [homosexual?] hat. One second, the wine cellar was empty and I was [typing] away, and that motherfucker shows up! Like, fucking hell! I could have been [unknown] at the time! What the fuck do you want and what's wrong with just fucking knowking on my fucking door? And why did you just teleport into my wine cellar? It's my fucking wine! Get the hell out of there, you asshole!

Asked him kindly what in the fuck he was doing there. No response. Just kept writing away like a fucking loser. Then I flipped him off. And he said "hud dur questions are bullshit fuck you you fucking [unknown explective]". Ok, I may have exaggerated what he said by "a bit". Then I pulled my [unknown weapon] and fired at him, at which point he pussied out and [demanifested]. Yeah, run the fuck away, you little bitch.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-6942

Date of Retrieval: 21/12/1968

Date of Origin: 1960s

Language: English and French

Researcher in charge: Dr. Castiel Shum

<Begin Log>

You're stuck in West Germany at the moment, and can't seem to teleport anywhere, right? So, let's see where you can go chronologically without getting absolutely fucking mauled, bombed, crusaded, buttfucked, robbed, mutilated, burned at the stake, crucified, ampultated, or imprisoned! How joyous!

Right. We can't go there(1950s), that's full of rubble; and not there(late 1940s), that's full of beggars, that's(unspecified time period) on fire, that's(early 1930s to mid 1940s) full of Nazis, and even more beggars, and even more beggars; that's(mid 1910s) going to get you drafted, that's(1900s) full of nationalists that will fucking maul you for speaking French, and even more nationalists that will fucking maul you for speaking French, that's(1870s) full of Prussians and French trying hard to kill each other, and then(1860s) Prussians and Austrians trying hard to kill each other, and then(late 1840s) Prussians trying to kill each other.

You know what, maybe staying in the present is a good idea.

<End Log>

Object: RPC-916-7689

Date of Retrieval: 15/12/1959

Date of Origin: Unknown

Language: Hybrid(Modern Swahili, mid-18th century French, and Modern English)

Researcher in charge: Dr. Lisa Bella

<Begin Log>

Let's see how this whole fucking thing works.

There's the "Closed Loop" theory, which basically means that time is a closed loop and you can't change anything about it, because you didn't on the first go. You can't kill or castrate or buttfuck your grandfather, because you didn't on the first go.

Then there's the "branching universe" thing, which suggests that time splits every time a decision is made and there are therefore an infinite amount of universes. This is pretty much bullshit, since you fuckers probably change a shitload of stuff and Cassius stays the same. Same height, same wine preferences, same penis size. No fucking thanks to you guys, by the way.

There's also the "time moves slower when you move quickly" part where time goes slower as you go faster. This one I've head of in future [vessels], so it's at least somewhat true. You can't however, kill or castrate or buttfuck your grandfather.

I've also heard of the story of someone being stuck in a temporal loop, where you redo the same time period for some reason. No idea why, just that they do. People do some really crazy shit when they're stuck in a time loop, no? Lots of orgies down there, so let's look somewhere else.

Look, it's a fucking mess out here, ok? People have been trying to figure out what the fuck time is and how it fucking works since the dawn of fucking time! And we are no closer to getting how in the goddamn does it work! Ahhh! Sweet mother of fuck! Even I, the author of The Goddamned Time Traveler's Handbook haven't a fucking clue!

All I know is, don't go past 10'000 B.C. I don't know why, but nobody ever comes back from heading there. Maybe there's a giant monster that eats everyone, maybe the gods consider that off limit and buttfuck(probably literally, they're a bunch of fucked up people) anyone who gets there. I don't know, man.


<End Log>

Further translations of RPC-916 instances are currently underway from Head Researcher Leung.

Expect the next batch of translations to be completed by late June or early July. If it doesn't come up blame the people in charge of the declassification paperwork.
-Head Researcher Leung

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