An Attractive Piece of Hardware




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RPC-7143-J looking fine as fuck.

Registered Phenomena Code: 7143-J

Object Class: Alpha Sensual-Sexy

Hazard Types: Being Too Fucking Hot

Containment Procedures: Site-19 staff are reminded that attempts to seduce, coerce, or otherwise solicit RPC-7143-J in any way will result in disciplinary measures. RPC-7143-J is not to be bought dinner, or tickets to a movie, or offered rides home in the rain. Under no circumstances should RPC-7143-J be invited back to your place for "drinks and a chance to really talk". All staff are reminded that RPC-7143-J is wholly uninterested in your advances.

Additionally, any personnel interacting with RPC-7143-J in a restricted fashion will be required to attend a mandatory harassment sensitivity seminar.

Description: RPC-7143-J is a remarkably good-looking metal doorknob affixed to a door in the third floor of the staff dormitory. Currently it is unknown if RPC-7143-J exhibits any anomalous properties, though it has been determined that RPC-7143-J is a stone cold fox. RPC-7143-J has also been described as being a "hot momma", "hunka-hunka burnin' love", a "fine piece of ass", and "easy on the eyes".

It is unconfirmed as to whether RPC-7143-J is single or not, but RPC-7143-J has been confirmed for being a total flirt, and if they've got a ring they're definitely not wearing it. It is rumored that Dr. Torvald and RPC-7143-J had a thing going on in the summer of 2011, but have since split up, citing "irreconcilable differences".

RPC-7143-J is notoriously scandalous, and has been the cause of no fewer than 73 recorded instances of breakups between members of Authority staff thus far. The number of personnel cited for inappropriate contact with RPC-7143-J is 34 as of May 2015, and the number of personnel cited for indecent communication with RPC-7143-J, even in passing, is well over 300.


RPC-7143-J in its very stylish and fashionable formal wear.

Addendum 7143-J.1: Testing Logs

Note: A number of tests were run shortly after the discovery of RPC-7143-J, to determine if RPC-7143-J exhibited any anomalous behaviour. The results of these tests were inconclusive, but it was unanimously decided not to attempt any further tests, as it might hurt all of our chances in the long run, you know.

Test Log 7143-J 1

Test: RPC-7143-J given an RSVP to Dr. Dorian's birthday party.

Result: RPC-7143-J did not RSVP.

Notes: Goddammit, I was really hoping they'd come to my party. I bet like hell they'll go to Dr. Smith's party, that suave bastard. -Dr. Dorian

Test Log 7143-J 4:

Test: RPC-7143-J asked to pose for a picture with Agent Jameson.

Result: RPC-7143-J posed for picture. Noted as looking damn good.

Notes: This is great. Once I send this to my ex-boyfriend Agent Fields, he'll really see that I don't need his punk ass anymore. -Agent Jameson

Test Log 7143-J 15:



Notes: Christ, I thought we were past this already. No fighting for RPC-7143-J's honor, no matter how much you think it'll win their affection. Guess we need to have another fucking seminar, don't we? -Dr. Celf



Addendum 7143.2: Personnel Personal Testimony

Note: The following testimony was gathered during an anonymous survey to ascertain the overall staff opinion of RPC-7143-J. Certain portions have been expunged for the sake of decency. Names have been included to further shame those who might have illicit thoughts about the beautiful and graceful RPC-7143-J.

Agent Romerville: Yeah they're pretty sweet. I see him sometimes winking at me down the hall. Think they're tryin' to get at me.

Dr. Cornwall: You mean RPC-7143-J? Yeah, I call her Stacy. I know she wants me. She plays pretty hard to get, but she glistens a little differently for me, you know?

Dr. Hughes: Oh yeah, I'd really ███████████ ████ ███████ █████████ and then take one of those █████ ███████ ███ █████ from the pyrotechnics lab and just ██████ ███████ ███ ██████ ███ ██████ then let him ██████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████ ████████████.
Note: Data expunged, holy shit. What the fuck is wrong with you people? -Dr. Celf

Researcher Axwell: I invited him out for drinks last week. Kind of gave me the cold shoulder, but he's pretty far out of my league anyway. Pretty dreamy though, don't you think?

Dr. Lee: I've been working on my pickup lines, here, listen! "Hey baby, why don't you and me go turn in for the night?" Get it? Turn in? Because… turning? Guys?

Researcher Chambers: I would fuck the shit out of that doorknob.

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RPC-7143-J is an archived version of SCP-7143-J as originally written by
djkaktus and edited by mlister used under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 license

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License