Coldpost the Hedgeheg
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very cool not gay
Item #: RPC-666-J
Object Class: Yeeta
Containment Protocols: Coldpost the Hedgeheg cannot be contained. It is far too cool for the Authority to be criticized or contained, as it has psychic powers and high charisma, and gets all the women, and hangs out with the hottest dudes.
Coldpost the Hedgeheg should be provided with at least three women per day, whom he rates as “9.9/10”. Any less than this will send Coldpost the Hedgeheg into a rage, where he will run around at very high speeds killing every ⅙ people with his Quantum Revolver.
No weapons should be allocated in the containment of Coldpost the Hedgeheg, as it is considered useless, as he will “teleport behind u” and snap your neck. High sensitivity microphones have picked up him muttering under his breath “nothing personnel kid, run back to your [REDACTED] mommy”.
Description: Coldpost the Hedgeheg is an 8 foot tall anthropomorphic hedgeheg, capable of human speech and sexual intercourse. With women. He’s not gay. He wields a Quantum Revolver and a Katana, seemingly made of a “cocoon” like substance, unbreakable by any material known to man. His trenchcoat is pure black, blending into the night like a bat, and all of his clothes are unbreakable, and his clothes are said to smell “not terribly bad”.
Coldpost the Hedgeheg is faster, stronger, and smarter than any known human. He has been seen moving at a speed of [REDACTED]mph. For unknown reasons, no researcher can measure any of his statistics in metric. When questioned about this, Coldpost said “rules r dumb metric is stupid i’m not going to convert my numbers”. When asked about his IQ, he said, “take your own IQ, multiply it by a couple hundred, add a few million, and double that by 0, and then you’ll know”.
Coldpost the Hedgeheg has a tumblr, which can be found here:
https://www.tumblr.com/blog/coldpost-the-hedgehog-blog
Addendum: Under no circumstances is anyone with the name “Chad” or "Thunder████" to come within a 100km radius of Coldpost the Hedgeheg, if this occurs he will run at them, screaming, and repeatedly headbutt the victim until he is dead. This is considered normal.