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False-colour radio image of the Crab Pulsar, with RPC-548 visible at bottom right.


Registered Phenomena Code: 548

Object Class: Beta Omega-Black

Hazard Types: Aggression Hazard, Animated Hazard, Extra-Terrestrial Hazard, Sapient Hazard, Tychokinetic Hazard, Ideological Hazard, Visual Hazard

Containment Protocols: RPC-548 is currently uncontainable due to its status as a stellar body. It is to be observed by astronomical personnel at Research Unit-█, currently located at ████████, Sark. Three small-scale radio telescopes are currently in use to allow for 24-hour message reception. All received messages are to be transcribed and transmitted to the RPC-548 database at Site-███. A suite of basic amnestics and counselling services is to be maintained onsite at all times to mitigate the psychological threat caused by prolonged RPC-548 message observation. Whenever possible, telescopes observing RPC-548 are to be operated by low-clearance personnel to avoid the risk of data contamination or loss of sensitive information.

Authority Central Intelligence is currently tasked with the suppression of any scientific observation of NP 0532, and the publishing of falsified documentation to maintain the cover that the object is an ordinary pulsar.

Description: RPC-548 is the Authority term for NP 0532, an optical pulsar formerly located within the Crab Nebula. Originally discovered in 1942 by various scientific organizations, the anomalous nature of the star was not known until 1968, when Agent S██████, then an astronomer at [REDACTED], began observations via radio telescope.

Radio observations revealed that the star was, in fact, accelerating towards the Solar System, and that it was pulsing in Morse Code. The first fully transcribed RPC-548 message, broadcast in three bursts, reads as follows: "Don't think I can't see you/Yeah, that's right/I'm coming for you". RPC-548 normally pulses at a rate of approximately 30hz, although higher transmission rates have been recorded (see Addendum RPC-548-A).

Over the course of the next ten years, the star was observed to accelerate to approximately 0.85c (2.55x108m/s). During this period, the pulsar began to transmit increasingly hostile and profane messages using contemporary English-language vocabulary, with common phrases being "I'll get you you cocksuckers" and "I'm gonna stamp on your goddamn species". Having reached its apparent maximum velocity by unknown means in late 1978, the pulsar's messages changed, taking on an alarmingly personal tone.

It was at this point that RPC-548 began to demonstrate awareness of those observing it. Despite the presence of speed-of-light lag in transmissions, RPC-548 transmissions invariably took the form of personal insults to those operating radio telescopes, or even those who pointed standard optical telescopes in its general direction. Messages simultaneously received on multiple telescopes would individually threaten telescope operations personnel as a group, while those recorded while telescopes were running automatically would take the form of general threats against the human race as a whole.

RPC-548 has demonstrated an ability to immediately learn a great deal of information about personnel who observe it. Though this is normally limited to personal details, and more specifically those related to events or actions in the person's past which can be used as insults, the object has also demonstrated advanced understanding of Authority procedures, security levels, and even other RPC documents. RPC-548 has demonstrated an affinity for scatological insults, juvenile humour, and a degree of emotional cruelty capable of causing profound distress in those who read its messages.

Addendum RPC-548-A: On █/█/198█, Director █████, on medical leave from Authority duties, accidentally directed a small optical telescope in the general direction of the Crab Nebula. The telescopes at Sark recorded the following:

"Oh hey, it's [DATA REDACTED]/Congratulations on making it this far up the food chain/I guess sucking your bosses' cocks was a good career move, huh/Pity about the baby, though/If it had lived it would have left you, just like everyone else/I wouldn't want a whore for a mother either/You're a goddamn [DATA EXPUNGED]/And I know that you know when all this is over your entire fucking species is gonna beg to die"

Following this transmission, the star's pulse rate increased from 30hz to well over 1khz, necessitating the use of high-speed cameras to record the message. Over the next eight hours, RPC-548 transmitted [DATA EXPUNGED] image files, totaling more than a gigabyte of information. This was the longest continual message to date.

Addendum RPC-548-B: RPC-548 is reclassified as Omega by order of Director █████

It is not often that we Directors find it necessary to address our site personnel in such a direct fashion. I will not make excuses- we all did things in our youth that we regret, and to find those regrets broadcast by a stellar entity is a disturbing thought to say the least.

548 represents a threat not just on an existential level- collision with a stellar body would cause irreparable damage to our entire solar system- but also on an emotional level. Scientific objectivity is difficult to maintain in the face of an entity which knows all of your secrets, all of the things you would never want shared with the world. And my god, it's mean.

Addendum RPC-548-C: After the major solar flare on 11/4/2003, the Sark facility received the following:

"Stellar control achieved baby/I'm going to cook that little shitball you call a planet/Say goodbye to your ecosystem you fucking abortion of a species"

Similar messages have been recorded after every significant stellar event to date.

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