Printed Probability Papers
tagnone
 #1 Article |
 #1 Joke Article |
 Top Ten Article |
 Active Contributor |
 Contest Winner |
 Contest Runner-Up |
 Challenge Winner |
 Art Contest Winner |
|
|
|
|
{$translationblock} |
 |
A stack of RPC-378 instances. Picture taken by Agent Dashing after retrieving RPC-378 on 03/02/1968.
Registered Phenomena Code: 378
Object Class: Alpha-White
Hazard Types: Tychokinetic Hazard
Containment Protocols: RPC-378 instances are currently stored in permanent Alpha-class storage containers at sites with such facilities. All newly-retrieved instances of RPC-378 are to be incinerated.
The level of mathematical expertise of CSD personnel involved with RPC-378, most notably that related to probability, is to be gauged and documented.
As of 12/03/1968 usage of RPC-378 for personnel is permitted, with a limit of one(1) instance per month. Personnel who fail to properly document their usage and results are to be removed of RPC-378 usage privileges.
All requests for the transfer of any RPC-378 instances between any site requires the unanimous approval by the lead researcher of RPC-378 (Dr. Callaghan as of this writing) and any Site Director. Any personnel utilizing RPC-378 without proper authorization is to be terminated.
World politics and economics are to be monitored for any significant deviations for extended periods of time. In the event that the involvement of RPC-378 is confirmed, Authority personnel are to attempt to retrieve the RPC-378 instances and identify whether it is part of the 10,000 lost instances [See Addendum 378.4].
Description: RPC-378 is 250,000 240,000 sheets of white A4 paper with printings related to The ███████ ██████████ ██ Hong Kong on one side. The anomalous behaviors of RPC-378 are demonstrated whenever RPC-378 is used for calculations related to probability.
RPC-378 is capable of transforming the results of calculations which would otherwise have a result of a low probability into a result of higher probability by causing the individual executing the calculations to subconsciously make several elementary mistakes. This process is unavoidable, regardless of the individual's level of mathematical expertise.
The error(s) within the faulty calculations made by the subject is/are unable to be identified by individuals that utilize RPC-378 and will insist that the calculations are not faulty, regardless of the level of knowledge about RPC-378's anomalous properties. The fault(s) within the calculations are detectable by unaffected reviewers, given that said reviewers possess the level of mathematical expertise required to identify the error.
Furthermore, in the event that the constants and conditions of the function correspond with any real-world systems directly related to the subject executing the calculations with an accuracy of 3 significant figures, correspondence to said calculations will occur for the aforementioned real-world systems. This alteration often causes incidents that are otherwise infrequent to occur at a significantly higher rate. It is currently theorized that a 40-hour limit is present in the choice of system altered, as no system corresponding to the individual after 40 hours has been modified.
Ripping or cutting RPC-378 has no effect on destroying RPC-378's anomalous effects; In fact, physical damage towards RPC-378 will only cause extra RPC-378 instances to be created. However, RPC-378 may lose its anomalous properties from printing on the unprinted side of the paper, as well as other methods that result in the complete destruction of RPC-378 instances. As a result, incineration is currently the most effective method of destruction for RPC-378.
RPC-378’s existence was discovered on 03/04/1964 after several students of The ███████ ██████████ ██ Hong Kong had won an excess of 200'000HKD from betting on horse racing within a short period of time. However, searches for RPC-378 remained fruitless until 27/01/1968. See Addendum 378.2 for more details.
Reclassification to Theta was denied 5-12 by the Board of Global Directors on 12/03/1968. However, with RPC-378 having potential positive effects in research and containment, a revote has been suggested.
Addendum 378.1
10 individuals were determined to be in possession of, or have prior experience with RPC-378 during RPC-378's discovery in 1964. Of the 10 individuals, 3 were successfully apprehended by Romeo-7 (Suited Gentlemen) and questioned.
Of the 7 individuals who were unable to be interviewed, one individual was terminated from being crushed by a vending machine, one individual sustained severe concussions from slipping on a banana peel, three individuals were terminated from a traffic accident, one individual was knocked unconscious from an impact with a beach umbrella, and one individual was sucked into a jet engine.
Interviewed: Wong ██ ████
Interviewer: Dr. Matthew Lai
Foreword: Wong ██ ████, a student at The ███████ ██████████ ██ Hong Kong, was placed under Authority custody under the suspicion of misusing an anomalous object.
<Begin Log>
Lai: Hello Miss Wong. We just have to ask you a few questions and you may leave.
Wong: Ugh. Fine.
Lai: What caused you to make a bet of 2000 dollars on horse racing last Wednesday?
Wong: I was feeling like it. Why?
Lai: Very well. Do you recognize this?
Wong: Where did you get this?
Lai: From your belongings. May you now elaborate on why you made the bet?
Wong sighs
Wong: Fine. I noticed of a pattern occurring on me. I noticed that some rare things would happen to me more often.
Lai: Could you please elaborate?
Wong: I would trip more often. Lifts would be out of order more often. I was involved in a traffic accident 3 times during a 4-month period. Then I found out that the paper that I was using could actively change my luck. Rare things happened more often.
Lai: And so you devised a plan to make some money?
Wong: I did. Wasn't as hard as I had imagined.
Lai: Understood. Thank you for your time, Miss Wong.
Wong: Are you planning on taking the money away from me?
Lai: Unfortunately, yes.
Wong sighs.
Wong: But I’ve already used it.
Lai: I’m sure my colleagues will figure something out. I’d say something about you young people, but now is not the time for me to ramble.
Lai: Now, Miss Wong, where did you spend the money on?
Wong: █████ ██████ Hospital. Cancer treatment.
Lai: Oh. For yourself?
Wong: For my mother.
Lai: Shit.
Dr. Lai sighs.
Lai: Well, I'm afraid my organization still needs to retrieve the funds. My apologies.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Wong ██ ████ was administered with Class-C amnestics and subsequently released. No instances of RPC-378 were successfully retrieved. 83,766HKD was removed from Wong ██ ████’s possession, and 216,434HKD was withdrawn from the cancellation of Leung ████ ████’s surgery and radiotherapy. Requests to compensate Wong ██ ████ were denied by Site Director Holloman.
Note: Leung ████ ████ expired on 26/05/64 due to pneumonia, believed to be related to Leung ████ ████'s lung cancer. On 29/05/64, a payment of 220,000HKD was received by Wong ██ ████ from an Authority front. Dr. Lai has denied all knowledge of this incident.
Interviewed: Ip ████ ███
Interviewer: Dr. Matthew Lai
Foreword: Ip ████ ███, a student studying at The ███████ ██████████ ██ Hong Kong, was placed under Authority custody under the suspicion of misusing an anomalous object.
<Begin Log>
Lai: Good afternoon, Mr. Ip.
Ip: Good afternoon, Dr…
Lai: Lai.
Ip: Very well, Dr. Lai. What inquiries may you have?
Lai: You had done exceptionally well in certain tests at your university, no?
Ip: I suppose so. Screwed up my Physics though.
Lai: Well, according to my reports, you went from scoring an “F” in your Chinese during the first semester to a “C” in the current one. So, what do you think is…
Ip: You’re here for the papers, right?
Lai: Yes. We are.
Ip: Ok then, doctor. Where should I start?
Lai: Start with how you obtained the papers, please.
Ip: Some friends at ██ talked about some magical papers that could change reality. Said that it made unlikely things happen. Some of them talked about how they used the papers to pass tests. So that gave me the idea to manipulate questions so that I’d know the questions asked.
Lai: Interesting. What equations did you use?
Ip: I've forgotten it. Either way that is how I scored a “C” in a subject that I despise.
Lai: Very well. And may you provide me with the whereabouts of the papers?
Ip: Oh. It’s in the atmosphere. Just like all my Chinese books.
Lai: What do you mean?
Ip: I burned it.
Lai: One more thing. This isn't really part of what I'm supposed to ask, but I'm going to ask anyway out of curiosity. Did you only use the papers for Chinese?
Ip: Oh, yes.
Lai: Why only Chinese? Why not also use them for other subjects?
Ip: Doctor, would it be safe for me to assume that you are from where I'm from as well?
Lai: Go on.
Ip: How much did you hate studying languages?
Lai: I fail to see the relevance of this, but I can say that I was not the biggest fan of Chinese as well.
Ip: Exactly. You, good doctor, were born a scientist. And yet you were forced to be a "linguist", guessing this so-called deeper fucking meaning in places where such meanings don't exist.
Lai: Huh.
Ip: The same goes for me. The only difference is that I used the papers to make sure that I got the useless shit out of the way.
Lai: So, you're saying that you didn’t use the papers for personal gain elsewhere?
Ip: Getting through an exam can only get me so far in life. That’s all I have to say about my case.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Ip ████ ███ was administered with Class-C amnestics and released from Authority custody afterwards. The grades of Ip ████ ███ returned to "F" during the third semester of Ip ████ ███'s studies. No RPC-378 instances were retrieved.
Interviewed: Dr. Yeung ███ ██
Interviewer: Dr. Harrison Callaghan
Foreword: Dr. Yeung ███ ██ was leading The ██████████ ██ Hong Kong's “Institute of Computing Development” at the time, and was a former high-level researcher at Global Enterprises for Advanced Research who defected to the Authority in 1955. Dr. Yeung was placed under Authority custody under the suspicion of misusing an anomalous object.
<Begin Log>
Yeung: Harry! How long has it been?
Callaghan: Too bloody long, Raymond. The Authority has some questions that I suppose I would have to get through first.
Yeung: Ok. What brings me here today?
Callaghan: You have led The ██████████ ██ Hong Kong through some serious breakthroughs in Network Coding.
Yeung: Yes, I did. And without any help from my old colleagues or anomalous resources at GEAR.
Callaghan: Well, the Authority suspects that you may have used certain anomalies.
Yeung: Well, I can assure you, everything that I do here is non-anomalous.
Callaghan: We meant that in a slightly different direction.
Yeung: I suppose the papers got loose, did they?
Callaghan: Yes.
Yeung: I wonder which one of my interns will I have to fire. Huh.
Callaghan: When did you find out about it?
Yeung: Can’t really remember. Sorry, Harry. Maybe a relic from my GEAR days…?
Callaghan: And you used them for…?
Yeung: My research. Development on shrinking hardware is black magic. Trying to get newer things to work has been a pain in the ass since the 50s. And back then, I had access to anomalous science. So I used the papers. Manipulated the world around me and my team to get favorable results.
Callaghan: Ok.
Yeung: And now, the development of network coding has been accelerated by at least 20 years thanks to my team.
Callaghan: How effective have the papers been in your development?
Yeung: I don’t have a good number on this, but I’d say over half of our discoveries came to be through this “random luck”.
Callaghan: Understood.
Yeung: Before every significant test, I run the numbers through the paper, and get a result for the day. I've compared myself with other research teams. All I know is that my tests provide breakthroughs, and theirs only prove their null hypotheses.
Yeung remains silent for 2 seconds.
Yeung: I don’t even know where my skills stop and the papers end. I don't even know if I'm qualified to be a doctor anymore. I don't think I deserve to be, at any rate.
Callaghan: So you consider the papers to be a crutch for your lack of skills?
Yeung: All I do now is run tests randomly. And Lady Luck just so happens to help.
Callaghan: If you seriously doubted your skills, couldn't you just stop using the papers?
Yeung: There’s more at stake here. Without the papers, do you know how slow the world would be? I get to make science with this. Without it, the world goes back to the dark ages. Without the paper, we drag the world down.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Yeung ███ ██ was subsequently released from Authority custody. The performance of the Institute of Computing Developments did not deviate from the norm afterward.
Searches for RPC-378 remained fruitless for 3 years, until [See Addendum 378.2].
Addendum 378.2
RPC-378 was rediscovered on 31/01/68, during an unusually successful series of North Vietnamese military operations during the Vietnam War. The subject, whose location was provided by the Federal Bureau of Investigation was apprehended by Agent Dashing on 02/02/68.
Interviewed: Nguyễn ███ █████
Interviewer: Dr. Matthew Lai
Foreword: On 27/01/68, Nguyễn ███ █████, a Vietnamese student at The ███████ ██████████ of Hong Kong was placed in Authority custody under the guise of misusing an anomalous object.
<Begin Log>
Lai: When did you come into possession of the papers?
Nguyễn: About 3 years ago, some classmates of mine mentioned about a room filled with printed paper that could make wishes come true. Needless to say, they used it on winning horse races.
Lai: You can start at the part where you started writing on it.
Nguyễn: Ok. I found the room full of the scrap paper they were talking about a month ago. Needless to say, I took some of it for personal use.
Lai: May you mention the things you have done with the papers?
Nguyễn: No problem. I used the papers to do good. I spent weeks collecting data regarding Vietnamese military operations and proceeded to make changes to them.
Lai: And is that all of the changes you have made?
Nguyễn: Correct. I would have accomplished more if that white man in a suit didn’t stop me.
Lai: I suppose you mean Agent Dashing. Thank you for your time, Mr. Nguyễn.
Nguyễn: You’re going to undo everything that I did, are you?
Lai: Unfortunately, yes.
Nguyễn: Why?
Lai: Excuse me?
Nguyễn: Why would you revert everything that I’ve done?
Lai: Because what you did was certainly not the correct thing. Manipulating…
Nguyễn: Really? Wrong? I am allowing the people of Vietnam to defeat the colonists that Vietnamese people have had to live under for the last 110 years! Can you please explain to me what is wrong with removing my oppressors from the area?
Lai: Mr. Nguyễn…
Nguyễn: I suppose you know of the atrocities committed by our French colonists as well as the blood spilled for independence and this war against Americans, right? Tell me, doctor, in what ways am I wrong?
Lai: You may now leave, Mr. Nguyễn.
Nguyễn: Have you no sympathy to the millions of peasants and workers who have already endured too much, No sympathy to all soldiers on both sides who gave their lives? What is wrong, then, with me ending this war as humanly soon as possible?
Lai: I…
Callaghan: Mr. Nguyễn, you may now leave.
Nguyễn: In which case, why must you oppose me? Why must you stop my crusade for a better world? Please, doctor, enlighten me.
Callaghan: Requesting security here to detain and remove Mr. Nguyễn from Room 308.
Lai: Look, as much as I want to help you, and believe me when I say I truly do, I still have my orders.
Nguyễn: Then why not tell your orders to go fuck themselves?
At this point, Agent Dashing and Agent Patrick entered the room and subsequently removed Nguyễn from Room 308.
<End Log>
Closing Statement: Nguyễn ███ █████ was subsequently amnestied with Class-C amnestics and released. 250'000 instances of RPC-378 were placed in Authority custody and all remaining instances were incinerated. The series of Northern Vietnamese military successes ended on 26/05/68.
Addendum 378.3
Usage of RPC-378 for Authority personnel was proposed by Dr. Lai on 03/02/68 and was approved on 12/03/68.
An allocation of one(1) 74mm*105mm instance is provided to all personnel with Level 1 Clearance or above, with extra instances for non-research purposes available by submitting a formal request to either Dr. Lai or the Site Director.
Personnel utilizing RPC-378 are required to document the purpose of usage as well as the results before and after using RPC-378. [USAGE OF RPC-378 SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE] Usage of RPC-378 was reauthorized on 13/09/78. Personnel who wish to utilize RPC-378 are required to submit an application to the Site Director and the lead researcher(Currently Dr. Callaghan), with approval from either personnel. All data related to the equation used for any particular actions have been expunged.
All test and usage logs are to follow the following format for the sake of simplicity. Anyone who uses RPC-378 must write their experiences down there. Everyone. I don't care if you're embarrassed about your erectile dysfunction, write it down. If this page becomes full, then I'll make a new list. Just write it down, people.
-Dr. Lai
Requested Personnel:
Date: (DD/MM/YY)
Usage:
Equation Used:
Results:
Requested Personnel: Dr. Matthew Lai
Date: 12/03/68
Usage: Obtaining a probability of over 70% for rolling a "6" on a fair die.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Dr. Lai was able to obtain 216 "6"s in 300 dice throws.
Note: I knew you cheated in that game of Risk. -Researcher Daniels
Requested Personnel: Agent Iwan Dashing
Date: 12/03/68
Usage: The purchasing of a 1-bedroom apartment in Cardiff, Wales for under £20'000.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Agent Dashing was able to locate a seller with an offer of a 40.6 m2 apartment for £20'400 on 14/03/68. Further investigation revealed that the seller was a local entrepreneur who had recently lost £18'900 in an investment.
Requested Personnel: Researcher Ezkisel
Date: 21/05/68
Usage: Exploration of RPC-722.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Item 06-1254 discovered by Researcher Ezkisel's team when Researcher Ezkisel accidentally took 5 consecutive wrong turns.
Requested Personnel: [REDACTED]
Date: 13/09/68
Usage: Ensuring the lack of infection of Alpha-1(Angels of Eden) operatives during Operation Crucible.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Post Mission Psych evaluations for Alpha-1 detected no traces of RPC-███. Whether usage of RPC-378 had any role in such a result is currently unknown.
Requested Personnel: Researcher Castiel Shum
Date: 22/09/69
Usage: Seduction of ████ █████ ███.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Researcher Shum was successful in [REDACTED].
Note: Researcher Shum was reprimanded for misusing RPC-378. The next person who tries to pull some nice guy shit will be executed. -Dr. Lai
Requested Personnel: Agent Herr
Date: 29/05/72
Usage: To temporarily increase the accuracy of hitting a moving target 30m away to 99.8%.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Unsuccessful. Agent Herr did not achieve an accuracy of 99.8%. However, Agent Herr did manage to obtain information regarding a highly prolific auction of the non-anomalous community that would involve several anomalous objects, including RPC-███. Romeo-7 (Suited Gentlemen) was subsequently deployed on 25/06/72 to retrieve the aforementioned anomalies.
Requested Personnel: Dr. Jaqulin Daniels
Date: 18/11/73
Usage: To obtain a probability of over 70% for rolling a "6" on a fair die.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Unsuccessful. Dr. Daniels only managed to obtain 63 "6"s for 300 throws. Instead, Dr. Daniels experienced 3 cases of vending machine failure, as well as a myocardial infarction.
Requested Personnel: Researcher Vincent Norman
Date: 09/12/75
Usage: To increase the probability of RPC-199 manifesting within a specified 1 km2 area located 5 km from Site-065.
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: 12 instances of RPC-199 manifested within the designated area, allowing for experimental tracking systems to be placed upon RPC-199 instances.
Note: The trackers failed to function after RPC-199 had demanifested. Whether this failure was due to flaws with the experimental Global Positioning Systems or was a part of RPC-199's anomalous features is still debated. Usage of RPC-378 on RPC-199 is currently classified to avoid decreasing the motivations of staff on containing anomalies.
Requested Personnel: Dr. Richard Khan
Date: ██/██/7█
Usage: To prevent Site-099 from suffereing irreversable damage from the containment breach of RPC-███
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: Partial success. Site-099 sustained non-critical damage during the incident.
Requested Personnel: Dr. Matthew Lai
Date: 02/09/78
Usage: [See Addendum 378.4]
Equation Used: [DATA EXPUNGED]
Results: [See Addendum 378.4]
Addendum 378.4
On 03/09/78, after Event 463-A, 10'000 instances of RPC-378 were discovered as lost from Site-074.
Investigations revealed that the 10'000 instances of RPC-378 were accidentally taken by the foreign agents, believed to have mistaken RPC-378 as documents containing information regarding RPC-463. The foreign agents were later forced to abandon RPC-378 during the confusion near a security checkpoint. The instances were later accidentally mistaken as used paper and were sent to the surface for disposal. However, before the instances could be loaded onto the disposal truck, several individuals were able to identify and seize the RPC-378 instances.
These individuals were unable to be identified as security footage was destroyed when both Researcher Norman and Researcher Bless were hit by a damaged fluorescent tube while delivering the hard drive and backup hard drive, respectively, containing the security footage for review.
Further investigations revealed Dr. Lai's involvement in the incident amidst the discovery of 10 instances of RPC-378 with calculations related to that of fluorescent tube failure.
Interviewer: Dr. Harrison Callaghan
Interviewee: Dr. Matthew Lai
Foreword: Dr. Lai had no previous ties to other GoIs, and was once considered the Authority's most loyal personnel.
<Begin Log>
Callaghan: Matt…
Lai: I know why you're here, Harry.
Dr. Callaghan sighs.
Callaghan: Ok then. Why?
Lai: Harry, we've known each other since 1959. Try to make a lucky guess.
Callaghan: For 19 years, my friend has been one of the most, if not the most dedicated Authority mathematician. The person in front of me fails to remind me of such qualities.
Lai: Very well. I did this because the Authority wouldn't use 378 to better this flawed world.
Callaghan: For the last decade, 378 has allowed us to luck out with containment protocols that work. Catch previously-uncatchable anomalies against all odds. Discover improbable properties of anomalies with nothing but a toothbrush. How have the Authority not bettered this world already?
Lai: And yet this has fuck all to do with the normal person. We didn't stop the Vietnam War. We didn't stop Franco. And we sure as hell didn't bother to deal with that new virus-thing, despite having a better chance than anyone. And I'm expected to watch the world fucking burn while the tools are no more than one room away?
Callaghan: Does it matter? We research, protect, and contain. We don't better the world. And, it's technically a lentivirus, which is slower than a normal virus.
Lai: We should. We are lucky enough to have the power of fucking god on our hands. We can stop wars and cure cancer. Why have we not done so?
Callaghan: Because if these people know about the Authority, how are they expected to stay sane? There's always a giant fucking sun trying to kill us, a bear living under the whole of Mongolia, and a ship that's alive. The only way that the unfortunate people of this world can go on their normal lives is that they do not know about it.
Lai: I'm not saying "give everyone knowledge of 378 and the Authority". I'm saying in-house usage of 378, monitored by the Authority. Why is that so hard to understand?
Callaghan: Because that's simply not what the Authority-
Lai: Well, fuck that and fuck the Authority! People who are out of luck are fucking dying out there, and you know what we've been doing with 378? Played a fucking board game and bought a cheap house!
Dr. Lai and Dr. Callaghan remain silent for 4 seconds.
Callaghan: Was giving 378 to the world worth it then?
Lai: Without a fucking doubt, Harry.
<End Log>
Dr. Lai was terminated on 25/09/78 for causing a security breach, with Dr. Callaghan replacing Dr. Lai as the Lead Researcher of RPC-378. Containment Protocols were subsequently updated accordingly, now requiring the unanimous approval of Dr. Callaghan and a Site Director.
Attempts to relocate the lost RPC-378 instances has been approved by Site-002 Director Holloman. Attempts to relocate the 10'000 instance of RPC-378 using RPC-378 resulted in failure, and such practices were halted by Site-074 Director Yeung.
All attempts to make significant geopolitical or economical alterations via RPC-378 will result in immediate termination.
You may be wondering why you're here, seeing an addendum that wasn't there just a few weeks ago. Allow me to explain.
The reason why you're reading this is that I've analyzed your recruitment and personnel files, and have come to the conclusion that you came here wanting to help the world. Unfortunately, as this file clearly shows, that doesn't end well.
It's a shame, really. The Authority is one of the relatively larger organizations with anomalous items. Sure, GEAR may have more revenue than we do, China and the UK owns half of the world's weaponized anomalies, but the Authority remains the largest research, as well as one of the largest containment organizations. We have thousands of items, ranging from a fucking rock guardian to as established immortal being of sorts.. And yet none of those are used to better the world.
This is where you come in. You came here to help the world. And are probably fed up with the mountains of useful items that you can see (as well as the countless others that you certainly lack the clearance to even conceptualize) that cannot be used.
Well, you certainly don't want to end up as Matt did. Which is why, should you choose to accept this mission of bettering the world, to creating a reality much better than this one, you are to come to my office three days later at precisely 11:38, when I follow my routine of turning off the hidden recorders in my office for a "smoke break".
The reason Matt failed was that he did this alone. Well, no longer must we endure such a quest by one's self. Welcome to a group that actually helps humanity. Welcome to the Righteous Central Protection Authority.
This file was created on 06 Oct 1978 03:38.
This file has been approved by former Site-074 Director Yeung and 305 other personnel.
This file is not to be replicated.
Do not speak of the Righteous Central Protection Authority ever again.
