The Eternal Boomer




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Crude caricature of RPC-1946-J recovered from neutralized instance of RPC-1946-1-J.

Item #: RPC-1946-J

Object Class: Beta

Containment Protocols: RPC-1946-J is to be confined to a 10m x 10m cell stylized as a storage garage located in Authority Site-██. The cell containing RPC-1946-J is to be fitted with several amenities not limited to: an AM/FM radio, John Deere S240 Lawn Tractor equipped with a 48 inch deck, a Char-Griller Smokin' Champ charcoal grill, and a first-generation 1969 Ford Mustang, painted red. Authority personnel with clearance Level-1 or higher are required to restock the cell's food supply with Monster Energy™ ████ █████, (2 cans for $4 at ███████.) as well as several dozen hamburger patties, hot dog sausages, and USDA prime steaks. Authority personnel are also tasked with replacing charcoal and refueling both the John Deere S240 Lawn Tractor and Ford Mustang at least once a week, with Class-E personnel being contracted from various auto repair shops local to Authority Site-██ to perform maintenance on a quarterly basis. Maintenance and restock of RPC-1946-J's cell must be done between Monday and Friday when the cell is unoccupied. Level-1 personnel assigned to intelligence analyst duties are also expected to monitor the websites Craigslist, eBay Motors, and AARP for any trace of RPC-1946-J. Level-2 personnel tasked with guarding or transporting RPC-1946-J from its cell are required to wear Authority-issued earplugs.

Description: RPC-1946-J is a humanoid resembling an elderly Caucasian man standing at about 181cm and weighing approximately 98.6kg. RPC-1946-J is shown to be balding with gray hair, displaying patchy facial hair as well. RPC-1946-J's wardrobe consists of Velcro sandals, cargo shorts, and optionally a sleeveless shirt. RPC-1946-J also can be seen wearing a pair of polarized Oakley wraparound sunglasses but attempts by Authority personnel to remove them have proven ineffective, leading researchers to speculate that it is simply part of RPC-1946-J's body. Despite RPC-1946-J's elderly appearance, several medical tests conducted on RPC-1946-J have shown that by observing its bone structure, RPC-1946-J could be as young as 30 years old.

A unique condition of RPC-1946-J's containment is that it is shown to only be active on two days of the week, both Saturday and Sunday, usually becoming conscious between 07:00 to 10:00 Saturday mornings until falling unconscious at exactly 24:00 on a Sunday night. All attempts to resuscitate RPC-1946-J were found to be unsuccessful, however RPC-1946-J's unconscious state has proven to be beneficial to Authority researchers. When in containment and active, RPC-1946-J will immediately approach and open a can of Monster Energy™ ████ █████ for “that first sip of the day” while proceeding to deplete up to two dozen more cans during its active state.

A short time afterward, RPC-1946-J will tune the radio to the classic rock station local to ███████ County, FL despite Authority Site-██ being located in ██████, ██, several thousand kilometers away from the broadcast location. The sound coming from the radio is shown to be much higher than that of a standard radio at maximum volume, as this is shown to be a pattern for RPC-1946-J. Moments later, RPC-1946-J will proceed to turn on both the John Deere Lawn Tractor and Ford Mustang, also producing much louder noise than usual. Measurements done with a sound level meter showed the noise levels peaking at 163dB with all possible appliances on. Medical observation of RPC-1946-J has shown no signs of hearing tissue damage despite exposure to extreme levels of noise for almost two days at a time, it is believed RPC-1946-J amplifies the sound itself.

RPC-1946-J will spend its active time in containment performing a variety of activities, such as driving its tractor while stationary as well as driving its Ford Mustang, also stationary. It will occasionally attempt to wash and polish the Ford Mustang to the best of its ability despite limited cleaning equipment in its cell. It is believed that RPC-1946-J does this in an attempt to sell the car online through websites such as Craigslist and eBay Motors as several civilians have appeared outside Authority Site-██ in attempt to barter with RPC-1946-J. All instances of civilians that have located Authority Site-██ attempting to interact with RPC-1946-J have been administered a Grade-B amnestic and transported at least 25km away from Authority Site-██ and their electronic devices confiscated and destroyed. It is unknown how RPC-1946-J is able to access the internet as there is no computer in its cell. Interestingly enough, posts made online are not limited by RPC-1946-J's “weekend rule” and have been detected on any day of the week.

RPC-1946-J will also occasionally turn on the grill and proceed to prepare the provided meat, the sound of sizzling is of course also amplified. Surveillance and observation of RPC-1946-J has shown that it never actually consumes its food aside from the Monster Energy™ ████ █████ and will instead continuously grill for hours at a time while inaudibly talking to itself amidst the cacophony of noise in the cell. Observation of the food prepared by RPC-1946-J have shown that despite being grilled for hours at a time, it has not been burnt to the point of being inedible. Due to this, food RPC-1946-J has prepared has been approved for delivery to the mess hall. Authority personnel who consume food RPC-1946-J has prepared will exhibit signs of premature balding and gout.

When exposed to human contact, RPC-1946-J will identify any human being it is in contact with as its son or daughter and proceed to talk to them as such. As noted when exposing Class-D personnel and Authority staff to RPC-1946-J, RPC-1946-J will discuss a variety of things such as moderate right-wing politics, college football, its time in the United States Navy, its wife Linda, its job at a steel mill, and “last week's crabbing trip at ██████ Bay”. Considering RPC-1946-J has been contained since 19██ and is unconscious most of the time, almost all of this information is assumed to be fabricated.

Prolonged contact with RPC-1946-J however will cause it to begin giving whoever it is conversing with “life advice”. At this point, subjects who have been in the presence of RPC-1946-J slowly become convinced that RPC-1946-J is their father and begin to react in a state of panic and frustration the more RPC-1946-J presses them on things such as college, job interviews, finding a spouse, and “you don't know how good you kids have it these days.” Final stages of exposure to RPC-1946-J are bloodshot eyes, a profuse amount of bleeding from the eyesockets, nostrils, ears, and mouth, and a darkening of skin pigment to a reddish-pink color. Human subjects in the final stage of exposure to RPC-1946-J are to be considered a security threat and further classified to RPC-1946-1-J, as they are hostile to any living being surrounding them and will attack until they bleed out. RPC-1946-J has been shown to be unaware of and immune to RPC-1946-1-J as well as any other damage inflicted as it can regenerate its entire body, with its sunglasses being the only part of RPC-1946-J that is thought to be completely indestructible.

Authority personnel have noted that removing any of the amenities or vehicles from RPC-1946-J's cell as well as being unable to comply with any restocking or maintenance procedures will cause RPC-1946-J to become frustrated and eventually disappear from captivity instantaneously as shown by security footage. When relocated and detained by Authority field agents, RPC-1946-J was assumed to be searching for and “inquiring” about whatever was missing from its cell. Disappearances in 19██, 20██, and 20██ before subsequent recapture have resulted in an estimated death toll of approximately ███.

Interviewed: RPC-1946-J. Codename: "The Eternal Boomer". Online handle: bigmancraig53

Interviewer: Dr. Chris Farnham


RPC-1946-J: Is that you, little man? Gee, seems like just a week ago we was tossing the ol' pigskin around in the backyard.

Dr. Farnham: I suppose I don't need to ask if you can speak.

RPC-1946-J: (Chortles) Son, I can still remember like it was yesterday when you first spoke. Don't you remember your first words?

Dr. Farnham: That's enough, RPC-1946-J.

RPC-1946-J: Looks like someone's still sore that his crab trap didn't get a single bite last weekend. (Cracks open a Monster Energy™ ████ █████)

Dr. Farnham: 1946-J, I'm going to need you to focus or we're gonna have to try something less comfortable to make you.

RPC-1946-J: Boy, I haven't heard sass like that since I last sailed with Uncle Sam. I ever tell you about the time I was caught drinkin' on watch and Chief Daniels told me-

Dr. Farnham: (Pushes can off desk) 1946-J. Concentrate. Tell me why my guys found you knocked out next to eight bodies covered in blood with not a single mark on them!?

RPC-1946-J: Now son, how are you ever gonna find a nice little lady to settle down with one day acting like that?

Dr. Farnham: What!?

RPC-1946-J: (Chuckles) Oh, I see now. Girl problems is it?

Dr. Farnham: No, what are you even-

RPC-1946-J: Son, you're about to head off to college any day now and you're gonna have to realize your old man knows a thing or two.

Dr. Farnham: Da- RPC-1946-J, I'm in my thirties now. I already have my PhD.

RPC-1946-J: Speaking of that, you know what I think you'd be real good at in college? Computers.

Dr. Farnham: No, dad! I said I wanted to be a scientist!

RPC-1946-J: All those hours you spent on the family computer, clickin' away! I can see you being CEO at Apple in no time, kid.

Dr. Farnham: (Body begins to shake) DAD! Just because I'm on a computer all day doesn't mean I want-

RPC-1946-J: Oh! Better yet, why don't you be one of those uh, video game designers! Getting paid to make what you love all day, that's why I picked welding ya know.


RPC-1946-J: Listen son, whenever you finish your degree in Graphic Design I'll be glad to help you with your resume. In fact, you won't even need it. Just walk in there and give 'em there, old handshake. Works every time, now I'm the boss!


RPC-1946-J: Hey, you ever hear of that Bitcoin thing everyone's talking about?

Dr. Farnham: (Screaming and clawing at walls, skin turns pink)

RPC-1946-J: (Picks up dropped radio) Oooh… wonder if anything goods on.

RPC-1946-J: (Tunes to FM radio) Uh-oh! This ones a classic!

(Slow Ride by Foghat plays ear-piercingly loud)


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