Lawnmower
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DECLASSIFIED
Name & Rank: Randy Miller : Record Management
Unit: MST Alpha-3 "Scavengers"
Date: June 18, 2017
Authorized By: Director J. Miguel
Site: 015
Reason: Record & Documentation
RPC-112-2 and RPC-112-1
Mission Task: Investigation
Objective: Investigate Anomalous Event RPC-112
Mission Commander: James Miguel
Relevant Phenomena Composure: On June 12, 2017, an anomalous event (hereby designated RPC-112) occurred in which a small suburban-style lawn manifested within the Mojave Desert, approximately 45 kilometers from the nearest population center (Hayden, California). The anomaly was discovered within routine satellite imagery.
The lawn (hereby designated RPC-112-1) is a 5 by 7 meter (35 m2) grass plot. RPC-112-2 is a fully autonomous John Deere JS63C lawnmower which perpetually mows RPC-112-1. Following RPC-112-2's disappearance, the lawn slowly withered and has expired completely.
The investigation lasted approximately 20 minutes. A limited amount of information was gathered before RPC-112-2 was lost. A transcript of the investigation is provided below.
Investigation Log 112.1
Captain: Commander Yark (A3-Cap)
Team: Operators Sei (A3-1) and Jex (A3-2)
Armaments: Standard investigative equipment
Foreword: Alpha-3 arrived at the location in order to analyze the anomaly and determine its threat level; if deemed a significant threat, Alpha-3 would retreat and a follow-up mission would take place. Prior to the investigation, the existence of RPC-112-2 was not known.
[BEGIN LOG]
[Alpha-3 arrives 30 meters from RPC-112-1 and exits the vehicle.]
A3-Cap: Everyone good to go?
A3-1: Yeah, should be. I'm ready.
A3-2: Yup. Let's go.
[The team travels toward RPC-112-1. At five meters from the anomaly, the team stops.]
A3-1: Is that… a lawnmower?
A3-2: It looks like it's powered on.
A3-Cap: Yeah. A3-2, approach with caution.
[A3-2 approaches RPC-112-1.]
A3-2: The lawnmower's moving on its own.
A3-Cap: Can you determine if it's a threat?
A3-2: Could be. I don't have a reason to- wait, it's making a noise?
[RPC-112-2 produces sound akin to a human humming an upbeat tune.]
RPC-112-2: Doo-doot-dodoo-
A3-2: It's… humming? It's humming a song.
A3-1: Look for any kind of speaker device on it that could be producing the sound.
[A3-2 Approaches RPC-112-2.]
RPC-112-2: Dee dee doo- doo-da-doo
A3-2: Yeah, it's got a speaker on the back. And a microphone too.
A3-1: A microphone?
A3-Cap: A3-2, attempt communication.
A3-2: Right.
[A3-2 crouches and speaks into the microphone.]
A3-2: Uhm, hello?
RPC-112-2: Hey.
A3-2: Why are you uh, here?
RPC-112-2: Mowin' my lawn.
A3-2: This is your lawn?
RPC-112-2: Yup. This is my lawn. Always will be.
A3-2: What created you? You weren't here just a few weeks ago.
RPC-112-2: Uh, my parents? Who cares. I have a lawn to mow.
A3-2: Why are you mowing this lawn?
RPC-112-2: Everyone's got a lawn to mow. This one's mine. Mowin' the lawn.
A3-2: I don't have a lawn. I live in an apartment.
RPC-112-2: You have a lawn.
A3-2: No, I don't.
RPC-112-2: Gotta mow that lawn, man.
A3-2: Uh… okay. How is your lawn able to grow in such dry conditions? I can't imagine you get much rain out here.
RPC-112-2: A dry lawn wouldn't do. Can't mow that.
A3-2: Why? Will something happen if you don't mow it?
RPC-112-2: When your grass is too high, it attracts wildlife. Squirrels and such. Can't have that. They'll chew through your gutters.
A3-2: This is the middle of a desert.
RPC-112-2: Gotta mow the lawn. Every lawn has to be mowed. Gotta mow them.
A3-2: Not those plastic turf ones.
RPC-112-2: Plastic?
A3-2: Yeah. They have lawns made of plastic now. I guess it's more convenient but it feels uncanny to me. I wouldn't want one.
RPC-112-2: Lawns… don't need to be mowed anymore?
A3-2: Not the plastic ones, no.
RPC-112-2: What the fuck.
A3-2: Uh…
RPC-112-2: What the FUCK.
A3-2: Are you okay?
RPC-112-2: Fuck this. FUCK ALL OF THIS.
A3-2: Please calm down.
[RPC-112-2 begins to produce a loud, whirring noise.]
A3-Cap: GET BACK!
[A3-2 quickly retreats.]
RPC-112-2: Fuck you. I’m done. Fuck this shit. I’m fucking done. I'm DONE.
[RPC-112-2 steers off the lawn and into the desert.]
[Portions of the recording are inaudible over the engine whirring.]
A3-2: Where are you [INAUDIBLE]
[RPC-112-2 travels northward for approximately thirty meters.]
RPC-112-2: Can't [INAUDIBLE] with this shit.
[RPC-112-2 pauses. The whirring noise steadily increases in volume over twenty seconds, reaching an approximate volume of 100 decibels. RPC-112 then accelerates to a speed greater than 80 miles per hour within less than 5 seconds.]
[Alpha-3 quickly enters their vehicle and attempts to reach RPC-112-2.]
A3-1: It's gone. It's already gone. It's over the horizon.
A3-2: We're not catching that thing. Not in this jeep.
A3-Cap: Yeah. This mission is over.
[END LOG]
Closing Statement: Mobile Task Forces Echo-11, Foxtrot-4 and Lima-19 were deployed within Nevada in a search and retrieve mission, but none were able to locate RPC-112-2. RPC-112-2 remains uncontained. Search and retrieval is ongoing. All potential sightings should be reported to Site-015 Command.
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