They Breath Oxygen
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| Item #: RPC-042-J | Level 5/042 |
| Classification: Mostly Harmless | Super Secret |
Probe#11 wide angle observation of 42-J
Index Number: RPC-042-J
Object Class: Harmless Mostly Harmless
Containment Protocol: 042-J is to be contained within the gravitational pull of a G-type star, approximately 22,900 light years from galactic centre.
A series of memetic devices should be implanted within the crust of 042-J to ensure that its local breed of fungi, prominently referred to as 42-J#Alpha-1, or more commonly referred to as Humanity, becomes disinclined to leave 042-J.
At all times 42-J#Alpha-1 must be reminded that space is big, really big and that the sheer bigness of the biggity of space is so mind boggling big in its bigness that the sheer complexity of just how big that bigness is, is beyond the current understanding of 42-J#Alpha-1 and it would be far easier for 42-J#Alpha-1 to just not bother with it.
Failing this all efforts are to be re-coordinated into positive feedback propaganda efforts directed into ascertaining the motion that physics and, by a greater extent, space travel is really really really complicated and something only really smart people would understand, and to understand just how smart you would have to be, you would need to be really smart yourself.
Should the unthinkable happen and 42-J#Alpha-1 discovers that Space is just distance, time is an illusion and both are regularly navigated, without incident, by the children of those born in the more 'chill' parts of the Universe, then Director Protocol Sigma 12: Dangle Shiny Objects, is to be enacted without delay.
42-J, but a long way away.
Description: 42-J is an imperfect sphere made of dirt, gas and other such basic components, arranged that so the dirt part is under the gas part, anything useful is under the dirt and everything fun sits just on top of it.
Breakfast is served 8-12, and the drinks menu covers an astounding variety of alcoholic based liquids representing one of Galaxy#7's best examples of pre-civilisation drinking cultures.
And while not nearly as excellent as the 8 star rated "Captain Hogwashes Disco fever & Historical battle re-enactment ceremony" during the infamous attempt to re-create the great naval battle of Luguma IV, it does offer an interesting night out should the anomalous effects of 42-J not interfere with ones perceptions too aggressively.
Addendum:
Primary Inhabitants
42-J's primary inhabitant is the "Guinea Pig", a small fluffy creature that communicates in high functioning mathematical equations portrayed through the art of high decibel screaming. It is almost unfortunate that 42-J#Alpha-1 is unable to understand this particular masterpiece of the art form and assumes it to be little more than "cute squeaking" and has a tendency to keep them around for reasons thought to be largely ceremonial in nature.
42-J#Alpha-1 is 42-J's secondary inhabitant, fourth most intelligent, and, thankfully, the only place in the known universe for this anomaly to occur naturally.
They are an upright bipedal race of beings with the unfortunate disposition of having only one head and two arms. This type of design means that their feet, located at the bottom of their pedals, must splay out in order to maintain balance.
It is even more unfortunate for the 42-J#Alpha-1 species that this "splaying" only occurs in one direction.
Because of this 42-J#Alpha-1 is forced to walk in the unfashionable position of upright, on two legs and, with no tail for counter-balance, have a tendency to lean if you stare at them too long.
Mating Protocols
In standard industry mating rituals, between 42-J#Alpha-1 instances, it is often the male of the species who initiates.
This ritual involves the male attempting to impress the female through acts of beauty. The male will stride around trying to look impressive, occasionally swish his hair and stare thoughtfully into the middle distance.
This can work on occasion leading to long-term mating with a job in accountancy. More often than not the ritual fails and the male is forced to a sacred human place known as the 'Friend Zone'.
Males on their way to the friend zone or already within the friend zone are often saluted by other males as a mark of respect.
Professor Jullian Mc MacMill-Millian Mac once spent over 4 years on an expedition to discover the Friend Zone, which he believed, was at the edge of a vast jungle he called the Erogenous Zone.
There were no survivors, however, his charred remains were given an honored position within the League of Explorer’s decorated Halls, and received a 6 and a 1/2 star rating at "Captain Hogwashes Disco fever & Historical battle re-enactment ceremony".
Once a male has secured a female to mate with, the ritual moves onto the second stage. The male must now challenge the Alpha-Male, known as the Father, or Daddy, depending on the wealth of said female.
Typically the female will present the new male to the alpha and express her desire to mate. The alpha will remove his shirt, stand in front of the new male and declare the ancient honor bound rights of combat, signaled as “So you think you can waltz in here with your fancy ways and steal me only daughter.”
The Showdown will then begin.
Regardless of the outcome of the ritual the female will often take the side of the new male, if not then a new new male may be presented in his place.
If the new male wins his mustache advances a Level.
Short-Term mating Protocols
In the rare event of a female requiring to be with child immediately, there is often little patience in dealing the longer mating ritual. As a result, it is a popular trend among the younger human females, known as "Turtles", to find a mate and convective a parallel faxing result in one night.
This process is known as Dogging the Lamb.
Despite the short term of which the relationship is produced over, it is still the male who will initiate. Typically this ritual is held in a Pub or Bar.
The females will apply white paint to their faces and wear clothing which exposes the relevant regions of their bodies but may seal off areas of the anatomy in which males find more interesting.
In 42-J#Alpha-1 society, to be a fully naked female in public, and/or to expose central regions of the anatomy is known as 'Being a Slag' and is held as a position of great shame.
This dooms a female to forever being known as a 'Slag' regardless if the actions of her shame are genuine or rumor.
Upon attracting the eye of a male, with her appearance, the male will ask permission from the female to initiate mating ritual, he will express this through the centuries-old mating call “Oi Love, fancy a Shag?”
If accepted the Female may reply “if ye buy me a drink first”.
If reject the female might reply “uck will ye quit peeking at mah tits!”
The male must now acquire the females Drink Capacity Limit. This is decided on birth and is a tradition observed by the whole family.
A measuring jug is brought and filled with Gin or Vodka. Several plastic cups are placed in front of the female as well as a large bowl.
It is keen to remember at this point any sensible guess is known as an estimate.
The Female will now 'estimate' how many cups she will be able to drink before she can no longer say the word Dodecahedron clearly. This view is then challenged by the family and the female is then sick into the Bowl.
The Female
Females of the Species tend to be the most dominant, or at least like to think they are, however, in female tribes, this superiority has been established as the idea of a 'big secret' that all woman know they are superior but have to pander to the male belief that they are the superior gender so as not to hurt the fragile male ego.
The male, on the other hand, believes he is superior, also secretly, for pretty much the same reason.
This contradiction has led to the theory that there may be a third gender in 42-J#Alpha-1 society, that they don't like to talk about, much like bees, ████ and hyper-intelligent variants of the color blue.
Females, like their male counterparts, are filled with water and made from meat. They exist in a semi-docile state but are prone fits of rage for no obvious reason.
The female is attracted to shiny objects, such as Diamond, Rubies, Gold and other rare minerals. Females will often wear items which contain rare minerals as an expression of prosperity and to symbolize how the 42-J#Alpha-1 body will wither and die unless it acquires as many shiny things as possible.
These things are also used in the mating ritual.
The exact way that a female attracts the male is known only to other humans, through research we have observed it has mostly to do with Boobs.
Boobs are two large globes of flesh woman keep on their chest and are used to store snacks.
Larger breasts means the woman has more nibbles readily available and thus becomes more attractive to the Male.
Despite the requirement for large boobs, females tend to keep them hidden behind a layer of clothing, normally only allowing the top half of them to be exposed to validate their existence.
Sex
Sex is established in the, rather, primitive form of placing one's body parts inside the co-relating body-parts of the other, and sort of moving around. At some point in the proceedings, the salmon produced by the male, will leave the male's body and enter a special chamber within the female's body, which occasionally catches fire and is a great source of controversy.
It is theorized this is done for stacking reasons, hence their odd shape.
The actual mating comes over the next several days where the couple will hold hands, whisper things to each other and not finish sentences.
Wine may or may not be involved at this stage.
The simplistic style of human sexual encounters, and actual sex, has been thoroughly examined and researched, since there is an alarming amount of it, being that 42-J#Alpha-1 has little else to do, however it is not worth embarking on a long discussions of it now, because there is no further academic worthy information to be gained.
For further information see chapter 7, 9, 10, 11, 14, 16, and 21 through to 48.
Offspring
42-J#Alpha-1 offspring are reverse digested within the female breed and escape 9 months later when the Unicorn Chord is removed from the female as a mere abomination. The baby is later ejected and a fairy godmother then blesses the child.
If the couple is not fully satisfied with their baby they may return it to the fairy godmother within 30 days of purchase.
Babies that have been returned turn into clowns, this is why children are terrified of them.
The natural position of a young 42-J#Alpha-1 is laying on its back crying, this is because all human babies are born with high premeditation skills, and slowly begin to see all events in the future, what will happen to them, their parents and the rest of 42-J#Alpha-1.
42-J#Alpha-1 offspring eventually learn to talk, swear, drink and make Ale, in that order and upon reaching the Age of 87 (old in 42-J#Alpha-1 terms) they leave this realm for a better one. Presumably one with fewer humans in it.
Addendum: Anomalous effects
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools, it has therefore been accepted that the anomalous properties of 42-J have yet to be fully documented, and most likely never will.
What we do know is the gas layers which surrounds 42-J's surface like an atmosphere is 20.95% Oxygen.
While the full dangers of Oxygen are known to every school child, highly flammable and extremely poisonous, as well as it's practical application as a fuel for Hyper-drive engines, this large-scale anomaly would only subject 42-J to strict mining regulations had it not been for 42-J's secondary effect, mainly it's fungi-based inhabitants 42-J#Alpha-1.
42-J#Alpha-1 actually breathe oxygen. Unlike other forms of carbon-based life, 42-J#Alpha-1 has yet to evolve the sophisticated filtration methods in which to breath in oxygen-rich environments without cellular degradation. In fact, testing has suggested that, if given more oxygen 42-J#Alpha-1 would get 'bigger' and be able to move faster.
The titular threat is not only could 42-J#Alpha-1 infect billions of Starships across the Universe, living and breeding within the fuel tanks. But may also have the secondary effect of either the following: Depleting the Oxygen fuel reserves of the entire Universe simply by 'breathing' it or, more worryingly, by attempting to prevent this by applying whatever oxygen-creation techniques they currently use on 42-J and horrifically devaluing the Galactic Trade price of Oxygen and causing, not only the global economic system to crash, but to shatter the fragile peace of the Universe by creating an environment where the fuel costs of transporting an armed fleet of Battlecruisers across the infinite depths of space, would no longer bankrupt any planet nor empire who commissioned such an action.
The final, and most important problem, is if the 42-J#Alpha-1 species was to ever work all this out, it would essentially allow 42-J#Alpha-1 to weaponize 42-J, it's own planet, and use it's infinite fuel supplies to wreak havoc upon the unsuspecting Universe, and do horrible things like set-up Little Chefs on every Hyperspace By-pass.
As such our agency has been approached and proper containment methods have been established.