You're Fired



2.6 stars



Registered Phenomena Code: 005-J

Object Class: Neutralized (Formerly Gamma-Orange)

Archived Hazard Types: Sapient, Teleportation

Archived Containment Protocols: RPC-005-J is contained within a standard humanoid containment chamber of Site-012's humanoid containment block. Audio recording devices should be placed underneath the floor and within walls such that RPC-005-J could not be aware of the devices.

Personnel must make zero direct interaction with RPC-005-J. Personnel should not be in a position in which RPC-005-J would know of their existence, such as by being within RPC-005-J's sight or earshot. Personnel who make incidental interaction with RPC-005-J are to be terminated immediately in order to prevent the manifestation of RPC-005-J's anomalous effect. Testing of RPC-005-J is indefinitely prohibited.

If in any case there is a required interaction with RPC-005-J or its containment chamber, actions are to be performed by CSD Class subjects. These CSD Class subjects must be vetted to not have had any legal employment within a company or organization. As a precaution, these CSD Class subjects are not to be referred to as "personnel" or similar, and should be thought of as unemployed slaves to Site-012.

Archived Description: RPC-005-J is a humanoid entity with the exact physical likeness of businessman and television personality Donald J. Trump. When in the presence of at least one human, RPC-005-J takes on a superficial representation of Donald Trump's character as host of The Apprentice, an American reality television series in which a set of contestants act as employees of Donald Trump. Typically, each episode concludes with one contestant being eliminated from the series, portrayed as being discharged from Donald Trump's company. During this, Donald Trump says the catchphrase, "You're fired." When not in the presence of any humans, RPC-005-J exists in a dormant state. RPC-005-J does not require sustenance of any kind but often acts as if it does when in the presence of humans.

If RPC-005-J makes any kind of request toward a subject and the request is not fulfilled or is fulfilled unsatisfactorily, RPC-005-J will say "You're fired" before vanishing from its current location, reappearing at the location of the subject's current employer, then proceeding to carry out the subject's dismissal from the respective company or organization, typically through filing a termination letter. Upon RPC-005-J's reappearance, employers disappear and have so-far been unrecoverable. It is unknown if they are transported to an unknown location, erased from physical existence, or other.

If a subject is not employed within a structured organization, RPC-005-J will say "You're hired" before making a request to the subject. If the subject does not fulfill the request or fulfills it unsatisfactorily, RPC-005-J will say "You're fired" with no further action taken. This full exchange is believed to be non-anomalous. Being "hired" by RPC-005-J does not have any legal legitimacy.

Discovery: The first known manifestation of RPC-005-J occurred on September 9, 2004 (the date premier of the second season of The Apprentice on broadcasting network NBC). RPC-005-J appeared as the owner and CEO of the American financing company Monn Finances, in replacement of the then-current CEO. The following sequence of events was recorded by several security cameras and audio feeds.

Four security guards (contracted private security of Milton NY Security) entered the room and asked RPC-005-J (believing the entity to be Donald Trump) why it was in the CEO's office and where the CEO had gone. RPC-005-J claimed to be the CEO of the company and insisted it to be true despite the guards' contention. At this point, the security staff told RPC-005-J it was trespassing on private property and to leave the premises immediately. RPC-005-J shouted that this was preposterous and that they would certainly be fired. RPC-005-J then said "don't take another fucking step near me you bastards." One of the security members took a step closer and RPC-005-J said "You're fucking fired" before disappearing and reappearing as the CEO of Milton NY Security. RPC-005-J proceeded to terminate the four security guards along with 43 other Milton NY Security employees of seemingly random positions. A Milton NY Security secretary presently within the CEO's office later described RPC-005-J as "enraged" and "psychotic."

All witnesses to RPC-005-J were administered Class A-1 Amnestics and the termination notices were reversed with the cause said to be an unknown system malfunction. The disappearances of the CEO of Milton NY Security and the CEO of Monn Finances were covered-up as undetermined deaths during travel. After several hours, RPC-005-J became calm and was able to be escorted to the first floor of Milton NY Security before being transported by truck to Site-012 where its current containment was established. RPC-005-J made several minor requests during this process and all were fulfilled successfully.

Incident 005-J.1: On June 14th, 2008, an accident occurred within the Site-012 Minor Anomaly Research Department in which a 150 decibel sound was produced by an anomalous radio device. RPC-005-J was able to hear this noise and said "Hey! Cut that shit out! I've got a lot of money to spend and hearing you blasting noises doesn't make it any easier. I'm a very successful man." A second blast of 125 decibels was released before a researcher was able to deactivate the device. RPC-005-J then said "You're fired with the flames of a thousand suns" before disappearing and reappearing as Directorate member GD-07, head of the Research Division.

Within 20 minutes, RPC-005-J proceeded to dismiss 52,466 Research Division personnel of seemingly random positions and ranks. RPC-005-J then attempted to remove GD-03 from the Directorate through the calling of a Global Director removal vote. RPC-005-J was noted to be visibly enraged with a reddened face and snarled expression throughout the entire event. The vote was called with eight votes opposing the removal of GD-03, two votes in favor of removal (including GD-07, now RPC-005-J), and one abstained vote. RPC-005-J began to hyperventilate. GD-01 then called a vote against RPC-005-J. The vote passed with ten votes in favor of removal and RPC-005-J's sole vote in opposition. RPC-005-J's body then began to disfigure, appearing to melt and burn as volumes of smoke and steam were released. RPC-005-J was heard repeatedly shouting "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME I'M DONALD TRUMP" until its esophagus eroded, impairing its ability to speak. RPC-005-J continued to produce low-pitched wheezing noises until its body was entirely destroyed. No physical remnants of the body remained and RPC-005-J was reclassified as Neutralized.

The 52,466 dismissal notices were swiftly reversed.




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