How to catch an Info-Demon with Chris Hansen




How to Catch an Info-Demon: Season 3, Episode 10

[Brought to you in FalsTV by Black Site Entertainment]


[A large, shifting black mass is lifted up from its “neck” and slammed into a wall]

“You’ve seen us terminate terminate trans-planeal Thought Voids.”

”MY LAWYER WILL HEAR OF TH-” [The Thought Void is then thrown through a dimensional rift for disposal]

”Fear Rippers sailing through the intranet in search of mentally ill recluses.”

“I swear on the Ninth Sun, I just wanted to make sure he wasn’t stuck in the walls again.”

”But this season, our crew travels overseas to the Land of the Rising sun.”

“He’s doing it again…” [A hidden camera shows an entity with no discernable appearance stuffing his face inside a photo album before sniffing loudly]

”Where will we find the oddest, most bizarre anomalies so far in the series…”

“I’m Captain Hansen, and you’re on live ACI feed”

[A young man with mouths for eyes nods slowly, frowning]

“I can sense it…”

“Oh, can you?”

”With sights you’ll have to amnesticize yourself after seeing”

[Cap. Hansen opens up a vault door to a blank chunk of space. He covers his eyes]

“Please… put some thoughts on at the very least.”

”This… is How to Catch an Info-Demon

”It's a Tuesday morning in Tokyo, Japan. The sky is stark blue, cherry blossoms are everywhere, and our suspect has just arrived at the destination…”

[Cap. Hansen can be seen sitting on the middle of a pure-white room, looking at the camera]

“Tonight’s suspect is none other than a Memotic Feeder. This non-corporeal entity has traveled more than 9,000 kilometers from the USA to our safehouse in Tokyo just to meet up with a 60-year-old Japanese woman with Alzheimer's. You heard it right, Alzheimer's.”

[Several pictures of empty space in different locations are shown while dramatic sound effects play]

“As you can’t see, he’s the real deal, ladies and gentleman. No errand Memotic Singularity or Thought Leech. What he doesn’t know, however, is that we’ve placed more than 100 artificial Memotic Grounds throughout the whole property. Built by no less than the brightest minds at Nucorp Industries.”

[Feed changes to a different camera left to Cap. Hansen. He dramatically turns around to face it]

“And now, his perfect dinner plans will become nothing more than a file in the Black Site database.”

[Feed now shows a control room with various monitors and personnel working on them]

“We have been following Carl, our Memotic Feeder, on social media without his knowledge for the past two weeks. On Carl's ██████ hub, he refers to himself as a "Neurologist", which may possibly be a tactic to lure the mentally ill into his grasp. Carl says he graduated from ████ University with a degree in "Memory loss research." This, of course, couldn’t be farther from the truth…”

[An Authority “Anomalous Entity ID Card” shows Carl to never have attended higher education, as well as being unemployed.]

“Our crew has been working with MST Sierra-8 ("Sundowners") and the Intelligence Branch of Nucorp Industries, who pretend to be victims of memory deterioration online to lure in Memotic Feeders. This operation concluded a success with our first successful match, Carl.”

The following is a private message exchange between Sierra-8, under the disguise of Hinata, an elderly woman, and Carl.

Carl: do u has alsaimers??

Hinata: It's a bit embarrassing, but yes…

Carl: i wanna ecksamine u

Carl: has u lost inportant memories? [Carl posts the money_mouth emoji]

Hinata: Thankfully no, everything important is still inside there ^ v ^

[“At this point, Carl begins asking questions no neurologist should…”]

Carl: do u exercises ur ceribral cortecks??

Hinata: I'm old, but I still try to keep my memories in check when I can :)

Carl: pls send cortecks pics

Hinata: Mister… That is not something to ask an old lady… [Sierra-8 agents post the flushed emoji]

[“It is at this point that Carl begins to suspect Hinata might be an undercover Authority agent.”]

Carl: u nouw, som bad peps wanna teik me back to the infopla- to mexico, yes, mexico

Carl: if ur real pls teik pic of ur forhed with the frontal cortecks raunded in red marker

[“The aforementioned request is crafted using deep-learning Nucorp technology, then sent.”]

Carl: thas a nice forhed

Hinata: Thank you…

Carl i wanna sock on it

[“Our suspect knows that what he's doing is highly illegal, and yet, keeps going…”]

Carl: ur not afreid i meight be an extradimensional beeing trying to consume ur memories right?

Hinata: No, mister, I would never doubt you…

Carl: im a neurolojist, u nouw, i could fix ur brain, but i wuld have to go to our hause.

Hinata: Oh, thank you so much!!! Could you come by tomorrow?

Carl: k, but ter most be no 1 on the hause or cameras, i wont work if im beeing watched.

Hinata: Yes, yes, of course. I'll be waiting for you :)

[“What Carl doesn't know is that there will be no privacy at this meeting.”]

[Cap. Hansen can now be seen inside of a surveillance van, surrounded by ACI personnel.]

“This safehouse, like our artificial grounds, was built by the greatest minds in Nucorp Industries. As soon as the Memotic Feeder takes the bait, he won't stand a chance

[“The hour is 2100 and Carl just arrived at the destination. Our cameras spotted him wearing a full-body doctor costume, as his true self is nothing but an intangible informational apparition.”]

[“Our undercover agent, Jessica Millers, under the disguise of Hinata, opens the door.”]

Hinata: Welcome, welcome. How are you, Dr. Carl? It must have been such a long journey from the States!

Carl: [The Memotic Feeder is unable to articulate speech, and instead, manipulates airwaves around him to groan in a greeting manner, showing signs of fake tiredness.]

Hinata: Ah, yes. You must be so very tired. Please come in, make yourself at home.

Carl: [Comes in and unpacks his "medical equipment" onto the living room table.]

Hinata: Oh my, what’s all of this?

Carl: [Displays a long metal rod, restraining belts, a mallet, and a spoon, all while groaning in a way that indicates such tools are necessary to prevent accidents during the inspection.]

Hinata: Of course, you’re the expert, after all! I'll go make some tea in the meantime. Just stay here.

Carl: [Groans in approval while awkwardly looking around the house.]

[“What Carl doesn’t know is that the safehouse has already entered lock-down mode. It’s game-over. I believe now is as good as better to confront our suspect.”]

[“As Jessica leaves the room, I enter the scene”.]

Cap. Hansen: So, what are you doing here, Carl?

Carl: [Groans in confusion and in such a way that alludes to him asking the same question.]

Cap. Hansen: Oh, I know what I'm doing here, and I know that you were here with one of our undercover agents, disguised as an Alzheimer's patient.

Carl: [Chaotic air vibrations seem to imply Carl is hyperventilating and groaning in confusion.]

Cap. Hansen: My name is Cap. Chris Hansen from the Authority's Black Site Division, and you are being broadcast live on the new Black Site show "How to catch an Info-Demon” with Chris Hansen. Now, why don't you take a seat?

Carl: [Groans in denial.]

Cap. Hansen: Yes, I am Cap. Chris Hansen, and yes, this is "How to catch an Info-Demon” with Chris Hansen.

Carl: [Groans in denial once again. He appears frightened.]

Cap. Hansen: Yes, Carl, you are being sent back to Infoplane. That is, if you cooperate with us. What you have tried to do here goes against every law established by the UNAAC. And those "medical tools"? I think you were up to no good, Carl.

Carl: [Gets up and tries to phase through the door, but groans in shock after being unable of doing so.]

Cap. Hansen: I'm sorry, Carl, but this place is filled with hundreds of artificial Memotic Grounds. You aren't going anywhere.

[Cap. Hansen corners the entity and retrieves a ritual dagger from his waist belt. The blade appears to be made from chalk, with several runic inscriptions etched on its surface.]

Cap. Hansen: We tried the easy way, Carl. But you leave me with no other choice.

[Cap. Hansen proceeds to slice at the floor beneath Carl, causing a dimensional rift to form. A vast ocean can be seen on the other side.]

Cap. Hansen: Sorry, Carl. But now you’ll be sleeping with the immaterial concept of fishes.

[Despite his struggles, Carl is unable to escape the rift as it sucks in his informational self. Carl groans in a way such that it implies unbearable agony and existential anguish before the rift closes up, nothing left of him but the doctor costume.]

Cap. Hansen: [Cap. Hansen looks towards the camera] Another day, another filth cleansed from our dimension. Remember kids, if you ever meet an entity trying to access your frontal cortex, report it to your local Authority Site. We'll be there in no time! And don't forget to tune in next week on FalsTV for more exciting content. Until next time!

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