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in discussion Writing & Drafts / Ideas & Brainstorming » GOI Idea - Philosopher's Stone Cartel
The devil's in the details; there's not much I can say about a one-sentence pitch. It takes a lot of work to develop a GOI, so those that survive tend to have clear identities and fill unique niches. Engaging in shady business and profiting off of emotional instability is basically Kabushiki Kawaii's thing. I don't think it's impossible for two similar ideas to coexist, but a group needs a strong, distinct formula to entice other writers to build upon it.
Grammer
Original: Devices are not to be used without prior authorization from the local site director.
Changed: RPC-XXX devices are not to be used without prior authorization from the local site director.
Original: Due to the limited availability of RPC-XXX-A material, RPC-XXX devices are to be activated sparingly and only after a significant decline in the population of RPC-XXX-B instances.
Changed: Due to the limited availability of RPC-XXX-A material, RPC-XXX devices should only be activated sparingly and only after a significant decline in the population of RPC-XXX-B instances.
Original: Each tray has a variable amount of cells each in the shape of the egg of a terrestrial prehistoric organism, or multiple in the case of invertebrates or smaller vertebrates such as hyphalosaurus.
Changed: Each tray contains a variable number of cells, each shaped like the egg of a terrestrial prehistoric organism, or multiple cells for invertebrates or smaller vertebrates like hyphalosaurus.
Original: RPC-XXX's primary anomalous property becomes active when it is plugged in and trays containing RPC-XXX-A are placed in the device.
Changed: The primary anomalous property of RPC-XXX activates when the device is plugged in and trays containing RPC-XXX-A are inserted.
Original: The microbiomes and diets of RPC-XXX-B instances are adapted to modern environments.
Changed: The microbiomes and diets of RPC-XXX-B instances appear to be naturally adapted to modern environments.
Original: Furthermore, despite being created from the same material, all RPC-XXX-B instances are genetically distinct individuals capable of producing healthy offspring.
Changed: Despite being formed from the same material, all RPC-XXX-B instances are genetically distinct and capable of producing healthy offspring.
Original: The first instance of RPC-XXX was unknowingly discovered on 15/03/89 by Agent Hengshall, who purchased the device at a local auction for his child under the assumption that it was an unanomalous toy.
Changed: The first known instance of RPC-XXX was unintentionally discovered on 15/03/89 by Agent Hengshall, who purchased the device at a local auction for his child, mistakenly believing it to be a non-anomalous toy.
Original: Hengshall was going to throw RPC-XXX out, however, he was persuaded by his child to let the device run.
Changed: Hengshall initially considered discarding RPC-XXX, but his child persuaded him to let the device operate.
Original: The first confirmed RPC-XXX-B instances hatched on 20/4/89, numbering 20 in total.
Changed: The first confirmed RPC-XXX-B instances hatched on 20/04/89, totaling 20 individuals.
Suggestions
1. Mystery of the Creator: Consider the following. Add hints that the unknown creator may have a deeper motive, perhaps connected to a secret society, an ancient order, or a lost civilization, idk just some thoughts. This could be teased through subtle engravings or symbols on the ovens or hidden messages within the packaging.
2. Expansion on Regional Variants: You mentioned that the creatures vary by region. It might be compelling to tie this to a grander concept, like a forgotten network of prehistoric sanctuaries or lost, biodome-like regions that the creator sought to revive.
3. Unintended Consequences: Introduce the possibility that using the devices in certain environments leads to unexpected side effects, like rapid ecological changes, strange atmospheric phenomena, or interference with electronic equipment.
4. Dark Potential: Perhaps some of the species produced have unforeseen, dangerous behaviors or traits that make them a serious threat if not properly contained, introducing an element of horror or suspense.
5. Moral Dilemma: Highlight the ethical considerations for the Authority in deciding whether to use the devices. Perhaps some researchers become attached to the creatures, seeing them as innocent lives worth preserving.
6. Human Connection: Maybe one of the agents starts forming a bond with a particular RPC-XXX-B instance, creating a subplot where they struggle with the Authority's containment rules.
7. Expansion of the Narrative: Instead of just presenting the RPC-XXX as objects, consider introducing recovered correspondence, journal entries, or fragments from the mysterious creator, adding a human element to the story.
In Short: I suggest finding ways to expand the story along the suggested lines or in a unique way of your choosing.
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Ideas & Brainstorming » GOI Idea - Philosopher's Stone Cartel
So I've had this concept in my head of a drug cartel that creates and distributes anomalous drugs. I even have an image for an RPC in my head for it.
Oh, also I don't know how to upload files to here. I only know how to add them from another link. I made a logo for it.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/the-accused-sit-down
Im gonna change number when get enoghe crit and shit, yk?
Thx frends
The discovery portion is succinct and to the point. Only thing I could think of to improve would be the following. Where you have written:
"Henghsall was going to throw RPC-XXX out, however, he was persuaded by his child to let the device run." you might consider changing it to:
"After some time of not being used, Agent Henghsall was persuaded to let the device run by his child despite intending to throw it away."
The list of instances being located within a collapsible is a good move, and I don't see anything that I believe could be improved upon. I did notice in the footnotes that you didn't use a full-stop at the end of footnote 20 despite having included one in every other footnote.
Also, I see you are using the DD/MM/YYYY date format, which is used primarily in the UK and Europe. Nothing wrong with that, of course, I had just assumed you were American or possibly Canadian, lol!
The image and its descriptions are both great. Regarding containment protocols, you may want to include a comma after the word 'standard' just before 'medium-grade', but that's up to you. Other than that, it's perfect.
In the description section, you may want to consider replacing:
"Attempts to identify the creator of RPC-XXX have yielded no results, however, RPC-XXX instances will often appear on online listings, garage sales or in the gift shops of zoos and museums, especially during days of cultural significance such as holidays or the release of new paleontology-related media."
With:
"Despite attempts to identify the creator of RPC-XXX yielding no results, RPC-XXX instances continue to appear on online listings, garage sales, or in the gift shops of zoos and museums. They tend to appear more often during days of cultural significance, such as during holidays, or coinciding with the release of new paleontology-related media."
And that's about it!
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected Rational Gaze. Onwards, forever, we walk among the ignorant. Never stray from the common lines.
I've made some additional changes based on your feedback.
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected Rational Gaze. Onwards, forever, we walk among the ignorant. Never stray from the common lines.
It is meant to be implied that it's possible that some got out. The rumours and stuff are 'unverified', and so the Authority don't actually know either way. And 'authorised' is the correct British-English spelling.
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected Rational Gaze. Onwards, forever, we walk among the ignorant. Never stray from the common lines.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/easy-bake-dinos
I am well aware that there are syntax errors, and I want to know if I can execute the twist better.
A slight grammatical critique:
Original: RPC-845 was an anomalous phenomenon on a desolate farm on the outskirts of [REDACTED], Poland.
Changed: RPC-845 is an anomalous phenomenon located on a desolate farm on the outskirts of [REDACTED], Poland.
Original: It lacks any identifiable anomalous properties outside of its association with RPC-845-2.
Changed: They lack any identifiable anomalous properties aside from their association with RPC-845-2.
Original: Upon the death of an RPC-845-1 instance, an identical replacement will appear being carried by RPC-845-2 before being released to join the herd within 24 hours within the original farmland.
Changed: Upon the death of an RPC-845-1 instance, an identical replacement will be carried by RPC-845-2 and released to join the herd within 24 hours on the original farmland.
Original: RPC-845-2 will then assault the individual and will always overpower them regardless of any factors.
Changed: RPC-845-2 will then assault the individual, always overpowering them regardless of any factors.
Original: For instance, during a test, Agent K████, wearing a heavy, experimental protective suit, attempted to touch an RPC-845-1 instance.
Changed: For instance, during a test, Agent K████, who was wearing a heavy, experimental protective suit, attempted to touch an RPC-845-1 instance.
Original: Despite this, RPC-845-2 was able to breach the suit and severely injure the operative.
Changed: Nevertheless, RPC-845-2 managed to breach the suit and severely injure the operative.
Original: If an individual who has already been assaulted by RPC-845-2 touches an RPC-845-1 instance again, RPC-845-2 will react with increased hostility, leading to more severe injuries.
Changed: If an individual previously assaulted by RPC-845-2 touches an RPC-845-1 instance again, RPC-845-2 will respond with increased hostility, resulting in more severe injuries.
Original: The severity of the assault is proportional to the perceived harm inflicted on RPC-845-1. A simple touch resulted in a single punch, whereas punching an RPC-845-1 specimen resulted in a beating lasting several minutes.
Changed: The severity of the assault is proportional to the perceived harm inflicted on RPC-845-1. A simple touch results in a single punch, while striking an RPC-845-1 specimen leads to a prolonged beating lasting several minutes.
Original: It is unknown if RPC-845-3 is being truthful or not since no DNA test could be conducted on the two.
Changed: It is unknown whether RPC-845-3's claim is truthful, as no DNA tests have been conducted on the two.
Original: No anomalous properties are detectable in RPC-845-3. Unlike RPC-845-2, it is capable of conversation. It primarily resides within the farmhouse on the property and rarely ventures outside.
Changed: RPC-845-3 displays no detectable anomalous properties. Unlike RPC-845-2, it is capable of conversation and primarily resides within the farmhouse on the property, rarely venturing outside.
This may be the only time this idea will ever be entertained with any literary merit, and the best thing I can say is, it works. The concept of the Authority preserving a device that their own ancestor from an inconceivable previous multiverse created to reshape it into this one for reasons unknown is brilliant, and it doesn't need the context to be so.
It's remarkable for what it is compared to how bad it could've been, but lean compared to what it should be. For such a theoretically significant anomaly, the document has nothing to show but a tabview, some weak CSS, and a picture of a fractal. The whole thing is very Dry, which is its most disagreeable aspect; prepare to read the same thing three times over with only the sparsest breaks into dialogue and never any action to speak of. I understand it's more of a conceptual, "vibes" piece, but in that respect the tone and exploration are flimsy.
The fact that the Authority has, on some level, made an effort to add 383 different components to RPC-899 without being able to explain what it does is telling; try opening up the internals of your microwave, adding one component without knowing how it works, and not breaking anything. The lack of documentation on RPC-899's functionality and design even after the third iteration is not a narrative fact but an excuse not to put forth any difficult or imaginative logic.
Still, to claim the origin of the RPC multiverse with a direct connection to a certain out-of-universe progenitor and without any contradictions or absurd assumptions is a remarkable feat, and that's something worth remembering. 3/5
One of the most harrowingly dull reads I've been subjected to: five paragraphs' worth of content spread across thirty. It ends exactly where it began, with only two significant developments in the interim. It is the fetus of a plot outline presented as a full work. There are hints of cleverness that would satisfy if the article built upon them meaningfully instead of cancerously repeating itself, for which the product is a piece that takes a few swings at biological, environmental, and cultural commentary and horror but ends up a confused amnesiac that never gets off the ground. 1/5
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » Rich in Stone and Mud --Pans and Profit--
Main thing here that catches my attention is less so the story and more so how it's described. There's a lot of colorful phrases for day-to-day mundane activities, it also seems to maintain indifference and is alien to people in it, in time and sometimes i imagine the narrator's actually alien. I like it but it can get to a point where I needed to read it twice in case im misinterpreted it as one meaning from another. "mental apartment" for instance had me re-infer it as an infirmary. I wonder who this was writ by, if it's by design or not. It does read like a children's story by a political in east Europe, and if that's what you intended it's fair. Or perhaps the beholder comment is suggesting it is the beholder describing the scene?
I do not get it. Not sure if this is because I read this on and off, having not read enough rpc lore (i assume this is a GD backstory) or I simply missed it.
I didn't like it at first, but on a further read, I laughed my ass off. You turned To Boldly Flee into an anomaly.
That being said, the story is littered with grammar errors and the clinical tone falters from time to time.
If you notice a typo, you may edit the article to correct it.
No anomalous properties were reportedly present during the couples time living in RPC-999.
Couple's.
I'd cut out the last word of Jocyln's notes, and fill in the [REDACTED], since you basically said it, anyway.
Wonderfully elegant mystery. Can't point at a single sentence out of place or that says too much. It's easy to imagine a longer version that dips into some tonal melodrama about the lost lives or the horror of forgetting, and I think it was absolutely the correct choice to end it where it does and leave the rest to the imagination. Makes it easier to imagine oneself in the shoes of an in-universe researcher realizing what's going on and the lack of information provides a sense of absence of control that fits just right. Very evocative, partly by virtue of the title.