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Re: LOOKING FOR FEEDBACK RPC-569 by TTPYTTPY, 25 Jan 2022 09:13
thatowldudethatowldude 25 Jan 2022 09:05
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » component:themeaep
by thatowldudethatowldude, 25 Jan 2022 09:05

Thank you for the crit! I've implemented grammar changes.

Re: Loading... Crit by thatowldudethatowldude, 25 Jan 2022 07:56
Re: Loading...
thatowldudethatowldude 25 Jan 2022 07:55
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » Loading...

Thanks for the crit! I've implemented grammar changes and I've added a bit more to the ending to make it a bit more obvious (without being too drastic) and tie it with the anomaly. I'm not trying to imply that the RPC world is actually a game; that wasn't my intention. I just tried to write something based on those 'liminal' images without it being too similar to the backrooms. I'll consider editing the base image a little more to make it look more 'artificial'.

Re: Loading... by thatowldudethatowldude, 25 Jan 2022 07:55

I've heard much about this Crusader Sword article before in the community, and now I have finally read it in-detail. While I think the article still could use some improvements, there's something interesting you could do here with this concept. There's definitely a message here about the violent history of Christianity and how modern society comes to terms with that past.

While to modern sensibilities someone massacring a bunch of Muslims is absolutely horrific (and to an extent random attacks like that were typically condemned before in history) medieval Catholicism had a very different but nuanced perspective, especially with regards to the Crusades. They saw their actions as defending the Holy Land that was unjustifiably taken from the Byzantines in conquest. To take up the cross as a Crusader was not just a warmongering venture, it was a call to be a defender of Christ.

I think this article should lean into that idea more. For example, I suggested the Latin sermon RPC-XXX-01 gives should actually not be anomalous (besides people understanding Latin). People should be converting on their own free will. The sword that gives them the targeting abilities and swordsmanship skills, and the hostility - which makes sense if it's supposed to motivate you to go attack Saracen armies.

A cool way to do this is have an interview log with the surviving RPC-XXX-01 guy from the mosque attack. The Authority agents could interrogate him and find out this information, and then things aren't so black and white as they first appear. Militant religiosity can't just be dismissed as an anomaly, there's something more substantial in its message.

I'm not a fan of the historical document as it currently is. It really doesn't tell us anything we don't already know. I'd suggest just getting rid of it, or you could have it so that the Crusader is explaining why he's fighting in the Crusade. I think that would connect with the overall message better. There's a couple other issues, like what happens to an RPC-XXX-01 instance that doesn't die? Do they just say radical forever at that point? You could also develop the lore backstory for how the sword gets to England.

Re: Deus Vult by SovereignAuthoritySovereignAuthority, 25 Jan 2022 02:27
FireSlayer2205FireSlayer2205 25 Jan 2022 02:15
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-569

If you have any feedback or questions feel free to post it here

by FireSlayer2205FireSlayer2205, 25 Jan 2022 02:15

I have changed RPC-569 to my anomaly and if you have any feedback or questions go to the discussion page

Re: RPC-XXX: "Throne" of God by TTPYTTPY, 25 Jan 2022 01:57

It’s a good article with a neat idea, I’d estimate it’d receive a score that’d average out at about about 4.1.

Re: Loading... Crit by Mr MakorMr Makor, 24 Jan 2022 22:04

Deleted by FireSlayer2205

100 x 50 x 15 cm.

Separate the units and numbers. Also, I don't feel like measurements are necessary. It's enough to say "Standard Alpha-class anomalous item locker".

a 5 cm tall plastic sheath

"RPC-XXX is a

Why the quotation marks?

Its anomalous effects manifest whenever any human holds the hilt of the weapon in their hands

Suggestion: RPC-XXX's anomalous effect manifests when the object's hilt is held by a human being.

during the Crusades

Which crusades specifically? Swordsmanship changed from the early 11th century to the late 13th century.

If the subject exposed professes a Muslim faith, the subject [DATA EXPUNGED] and undergoes spontaneous combustion, which leads to its death.

Pointless [DATA EXPUNGED].

Re: Deus Vult by The Son of ManThe Son of Man, 23 Jan 2022 15:15
Re: Loading...
TTPYTTPY 23 Jan 2022 12:59
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » Loading...
Re: Loading... by TTPYTTPY, 23 Jan 2022 12:59
Re: RPC-###-1 The Polaroid Camera by TTPYTTPY, 23 Jan 2022 02:00

WikiDot seems to have eaten my original critique so I'll restate it in summary to say I feel like this is a nice collection of little bite-sized fiction but doesn't bring anything new to the table or have any depth.

Such is life in the Soviet Union

Deus Vult
elitegamer010elitegamer010 22 Jan 2022 20:14
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » Deus Vult

The article is under the first tab.

Deus Vult by elitegamer010elitegamer010, 22 Jan 2022 20:14

Agreeing with the other commentators that this is all flash and light substance. There's not really a lot of connective tissue between the entries making it feel less like a cohesive whole and more like a bunch of little bite-sized episodes of weird aliens content. If these were being used as a framing device to tell a larger story it would be a lot better, but as it stands having it be a collection of weird aliens with the overall message seeming to be "hey aren't these aliens weird" it's okay. This isn't anything I haven't seen with other alien lore in other contexts, it doesn't really do anything to elevate itself and feel like something special.

Such is life in the Soviet Union

Promised I would crit this last year, finally getting around to it. Sorry for taking like ten years to sit down and do this thing, I hope this thorough-going critique makes up for the time I've left you waiting.

I don't think I can really critique the story fairly from here and I find I'm repeating the same things over and over again, so I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. There are three big problems with this story:

Writing: There is a rampant mix of active and passive tensing, as well as the occasional typo. It's unclear who is speaking when dialogue happens. It's unclear when and why we leave or return to Joe's POV. There are a lot of run-on sentences and sentence fragments. Overall, the writing is muddled and lacking in detail while also making errors.

Characters: While I enjoy Joe as a character, the fact that there are no other named characters makes dialogue difficult to follow. The only other person Joe has a meaningful interaction with is the Chef at the beginning of the story, even then their interaction is muddled. Keep things to Joe's POV and let him tell the reader about the people he sees, or have an omniscient narrator and name everyone. Right now its the worst of both worlds.

Setting: It's unclear where the characters are at any given moment after Joe enters the suit room. Even then, beforehand, Joe's surroundings were not well described. Throughout the writing it is unclear where anyone is, why they're there, or what they're doing there.

Rambling final thoughts:

Joe as a character has my sympathy, he seems to be a pretty sad-sack kind of guy. I don't know a lot about him other than that he seems to be pretty passive and conflict-averse.

The story as it is being told is a complete mess. There's no real cohesion as to anything that is happening. The action is extremely muddled, the reader is lacking key details they need for following the action. Nothing makes sense, nothing seems to be connected to anything that comes before, sentence-to-sentence things seemed to be disconnected and all over the place.

After arriving in the room we kind of leave Joe's POV and float through a landscape that Joe is in without it ever being clear how he got there, who he is with, or why they are there. Apparently he's with a team of people but so far there isn't a single named character we've seen other than Joe, so we don't know what his relationship to these people are beyond being on the same team, what their mission is, anything.

The imagery that's there is nice but it needs to have connecting tissue if it's going to have any impact beyond being neat-sounding descriptions.

My understanding of the story so far: Joe wakes up, discovers his body is decomposing, tries to ignore it, walks past a group of people who point out he's rotting, goes to a chef he knows who gives him food, joins his team, they go for some wires, there's a train, they're passing by landscapes and scenery, then they say 3-2-1-go and do… something like a job?

This story is almost completely incoherent and I have trouble understanding who the characters are, what is happening, where they are, when they're doing things, and why any of it is happening. This needs serious cleanup before there can be any more nuanced critique than that.

Such is life in the Soviet Union

I have fixed the issues. If you could give any grammar or just any last feedback before I post it it would be appreciated.

Re: LOOKING FOR FEEDBACK RPC-569 by TTPYTTPY, 22 Jan 2022 00:41
Papal_GuardPapal_Guard 22 Jan 2022 00:22
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-012

Always enjoy alt-history content like this, I wonder if the article could've been expanded to feature this RPC documenting the Russian civil war being avoided entirely or won by the Whites, seeing as how the loss contributed to the growing unrest within the Russian empire.

4 stars

by Papal_GuardPapal_Guard, 22 Jan 2022 00:22
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