RPC Authority

Description

RPC-581’s “face” is concealed by a visual hazard which causes it to be perceived as being obstructed by 5 fluorescent lights of various, inconsistent, colors.

RPC-581’s “face” is concealed by a visual hazard which causes it to be perceived as being obstructed by 5 fluorescent lights of various inconsistent colors.
“Visual hazard” is a bit vague. I don’t know what terminology RPC would use though I will admit.

RPC-581 is not believed to be sapient as it can be heavily influenced through communicating with other entities and prolonged periods without interaction will result in degradation of cognitive function and communicative abilities.

I’m not really certain that disqualifies it from being sapient, but that’s just me.

which causes computational devices to randomly generator various files which have been collectively dubbed RPC-581-A.

Grammar

The range is unknown but theorized to be global, albeit weak outside a 40 km radius of RPC-581.

How weak? Might be better to say something along the lines of: The range of the field is unknown but theorized to be global, albeit weak enough outside a 40 km radius of RPC-581 to be unnoticeable. That’s just a suggestion though.

Unaffected files stored on the same device as RPC-581-A instances will overtime convert into instances by an unknown process. Files which contain Nihilic information or originate from Nihilic sources will alter themselves upon conversion. Alterations range from minor to major seemingly at random, but will always finish within 10 hours of initiating. When an artificial intelligence or learning algorithm is exposed to RPC-581-A, it will begin to rapidly alter and expand itself to allow for greater, more efficient function. Commonly resulting in the development of sentience or sapience. This state of growth only subsiding when the affected construct, hereby referred to as an instance of RPC-581-B, has reached the limits of hardware available to it.

Unaffected files stored on the same device as RPC-581-A instances will convert into instances by an unknown process. These alterations will be completed within ten hours of initiating. Files which contain Nihilic information or originate from Nihilic sources will alter themselves upon conversion. Alterations range from minor to major seemingly at random. When an artificial intelligence or learning algorithm is exposed to RPC-581-A, it will begin to rapidly alter and expand itself to allow for greater, more efficient function, commonly resulting in the development of sentience or sapience. This state of growth only subsides when the affected construct, hereby referred to as an instance of RPC-581-B, has reached the limits of hardware available to it.

RPC-581-B are compelled to locate, alter, isolate, and delete information regarding the Children of Nihil. This compulsion may be resisted if the instance desired, however, instances report that resistance attempts will result in the eventual intervention of RPC-581 and the alteration of their personality, intelligence, and/or self-control in order to stop resistance attempts. RPC-581 has been confronted on this but has claimed ignorance.

RPC-581-B are compelled to locate, alter, isolate, and delete information regarding the Children of Nihil. This compulsion may be resisted if the instance desires, however, instances report that resistance attempts will result in the eventual intervention of RPC-581 and the alteration of their personality, intelligence, and/or self-control to enforce compliance. RPC-581 has been confronted with this information but has claimed ignorance.

Addendum 1

Addendum 2

Final Thoughts

I think this is OK. I like the idea of some sort of AI equivalent of Cthulhu which was the vibes I kind of got from it. I’m not sure how it’s a "tychokinetic" thing since that apparently has to do with probability though.

Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!

Re: Saint Nyon by

Raggabrash, 26 Mar 2023 03:37

Re: RPC-699 Cuban Misiles

Raggabrash 26 Mar 2023 03:25
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » RPC-699 Cuban Misiles

ConProcs

Description

RPC-699 is the designation given to a series of initially six ballistic missiles located 2500km above the Kármán Line in the NEO-¹███████-382.

RPC-699 is the designation given to a group of initially six ballistic missiles located within missile silos on the surface of ███████-382, a Near Earth Object² located 2500km above the Kármán Line.
I think I’m reading it right that they are not just hanging in midair, in which case this description is a bit cleaner and tighter.

Positioned in various missile silos around the surface of ███████-382, instances of RPC-699 have shown, according to some studies and analysis by the AEDF, liquid propellants that exhibit the anomalous ability to reach MACH-20 velocity as soon as they are deployed from their silo. This property further solidifies the notion that the rest of the missile structure is adapted to withstand these acceleration forces.

According to studies and analysis carried out by the AEDF, RPC-XXX instances possess anomalous liquid propellants that allow them to reach MACH-20 velocity as soon as they are deployed from their silo.
The second sentence that I bolded is a bit weird, as you're bringing up and providing evidence for a theory that you haven't previously mentioned.

Also to the footnote:

As a reference, the █-3█-M model is barely capable of reaching a speed of 7.5km/h.

For reference, the █-3█-M model is capable of reaching a maximum speed of 7.5 km/h.
So if I'm reading this whole thing right, the Soviet Union is partially responsible and these are their missiles. It might be best to black out the whole name before the final note, since I'm assuming R36-M is a real thing, so only censoring part of it makes no sense.

Several investigations confirm the extraterrestrial presence and intervention in installing and improving RPC-699 instances.

Investigations have confirmed an extraterrestrial presence on NEO-███████-382 responsible for installing and *improving* RPC-699.
Couple nitpicks: you use the phrase "RPC-XXX instances" a lot; that can sound very weird because it is repetitive. Also, "improving" might not be the right word here if you're not going to talk about what improvements they'd be making; "maintaining" might be better.

After contact and communication through mnemonic morse code with the radio antennas from one of the RPC-699 instances, the entities affirmed not to be human. Moreover, they were only fulfilling a "treaty." Due to the lack of research and meritorious evidence, these extraterrestrial entities have yet to be cataloged as anomalies.

These entities confirmed they were not human after the Authority made contact with them via mnemonic Morse code, and claimed that their actions were in fulfillment of a "treaty."
Is that a radio antenna on the missile, or do you mean on one of the silos? Not sure about that last sentence either. A better way of phrasing it might be "Due to their poorly understood nature, these entities have yet to be catalogued as anomalies."
Please note I'm not 100% satisfied with how I rephrased this particular segment, feel free to ignore it.

There have been six instances of RPC-699 targeting Cuba's cities.. Among which are; The Habana, Santiago de Cuba, Holguin, Camaguey, Guantanamo and Cumanayagua. Cumanayagua is the only city so far affected by an instance of RPC-699.

Each instance of RPC-699 all target a city in Cuba. These cities are Havana, Santiago de Cuba, Holguin, Camaguey, Guantanamo and Cumanayagua. Cumanayagua is the only city so far affected by an instance of RPC-699.
"Havana" is the English spelling. Also, how do they know where they're targeted?

RPC-699 was discovered on 07/09/1969, following an AEDF report of an extraterrestrial UFO entering the Earth's atmosphere. Minutes later it was identified as a ballistic missile unknown at the time.³

RPC-699 was discovered on 07/09/1969, following an AEDF report of an unidentified object entering the Earth's atmosphere. Minutes later it was identified as a ballistic missile of a then unknown design.⁴
You repeat "Minutes later, it was identified as a ballistic missile."

Due to the high speeds, no anti-ballistic reaction at the AEDF's disposal could not intercept the extraterrestrial missiles during the brief available time window.

Due to its high velocity, no anti-ballistic defense at the AEDF's disposal could intercept the missile during the time available.
The sentence about the impact right after these feels out of place.

The authority censured and amnestized any remaining witnesses or survivors of the event, which was catalogued as RPC-699-∆. However, censorship on a global level was not necessary, as only the military radars of the U.S. bases in the Ascension Islands were able to perceive the instance.

The Authority censored and amnestized all witnesses or survivors of the event, which was cataloged as RPC-699-∆. Censorship on a global level was deemed unnecessary, as only the military radars of the U.S. bases in the Ascension Islands were able to detect the instance.
This is another point where you use "instance". It might be better to say RPC-XXX-1 a few times, but that's your decision.
So this part here is where I think it gets a little weird, you don't actually say what happened to the city. You make some references to “survivors” and “damage” but a missile hitting a city during the freaking Cold War is not something you can just gloss over. Reading this section just left me very confused. I think you need to expand on this paragraph and the following paragraph.

The city was placed under absolute quarantine under the pretext of a serious yellow fever endemic until the damage caused could be repaired and rectified. Even so, the incident reached the ears of the Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro. He ordered an imminent meeting with the ACI and the Ministry of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Cuba (MINFAR). A report of the meeting is shown below.

The city was placed under absolute quarantine under the pretext of a serious yellow fever epidemic until the damage caused could be repaired and rectified. Even so, the incident came to the attention of the Cuban dictator, Fidel Castro. He ordered an imminent meeting with the ACI and the Ministry of the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Cuba (MINFAR). A report of the meeting is shown below.

Meeting Report

After becoming aware of what happened in Cumanayagua, the Authority and the Public Relations Department contacted with the (MINFAR) to clarify what ocurred and to briefly and superficially inform about RPC-699. Fidel Castro himself ordered a meeting with the Authority.

After the Cuban government became aware of what happened in Cumanayagua, the Authority and the Public Relations Department contacted MINFAR to clarify what occurred and to briefly and superficially inform them about RPC-699. Fidel Castro himself ordered a meeting with the Authority.
Second sentence contradicts first sentence.

ACI's main concern was retaliation and the termination of the Authority's activities in the Island by the Cuban government. Therefore, a meeting was urgently needed.

Second sentence feels unnecessary but use your best judgment.

At the time of the meeting, Agent Garcia clarified what happened in Camayaguama with MINFAR. Given the large amount of evidence, the Cuban government ruled out the Authority as possibly responsible for what happened.

At the meeting Agent Garcia clarified the events in Camayaguama. Presented with the evidence, the CUban government ruled out the possibility of the Authority being responsible.

However, MINFAR now questioned the complicity of the United States in the RPC-699-∆ event because of the current situation of political tensions due to the Cold War, and the previous missile crisis produced on 1962. Agent García tried to argue that there were still no concrete culprits and that the best thing to do was to remain on major alert. However, MINFAR doubted these statutes and maintained its concern about U.S. encroachment in the country.

However, MINFAR now concluded the United Statas was complicit in the RPC-699-∆ event due to current tensions stemming from the Cold War, and specifically the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962. Agent García tried to argue that there was no concrete evidence suggesting a culprit and that the best thing to do was to remain on alert. MINFAR doubted these statements and maintained its concern about U.S. encroachment in the country.

In regard to the above-mentioned series of events, we recommend the following:

The Authority mantains the surveillance and protocols on Camayaguama and the general Cuba's airspace in assembly with the MINFAR.

The Authority gather more intel on the actual causes of the RPC-699-∆ event.

The Authority maintains constant meetings with the Cuban government to avoid a conflict between the United States and Cuba.

In regard to the above-mentioned series of events, we recommend the following:

The Authority maintain the surveillance and protocols on Camayaguama and in Cuba's airspace in alliance with the MINFAR.

The Authority gather more intel on the possible causes of the RPC-699-∆ event.

The Authority maintain relations with the Cuban government to avoid a conflict between the United States and Cuba.

Note

After further research and dialogues with the extraterrestrial entities in NEO ███████-382, personnel discovered the leading causes of the incident and their point of origin.
When the Zenit and Molniya 1 spy satellites were put into orbit, the Soviet Union forgot to replace the Morse and alphanumeric codes, used at once by the extraterrestrial entities to activate one of the RPC-699 instances.
It is unknown why the Soviet Union would have a unique code to attack one of its principal allies. The leading hypothesis most accepted by investigators is that the attack was a contingency plan gone wrong, designed to destroy Cuba and Fidel Castro in cases of treachery.
MINFAR will be lied to, and documents that affirm the Soviet use of R36-M missiles in this operation will be hidden.
Likewise, contact with these extraterrestrial entities must be ascertained for possible diplomatic options. Countermeasures must also be researched to establish a containment protocol during a worst-case scenario. Understanding why the Soviet Union made a treaty with these beings might give more insight into how they operate.

After further research and dialogue with the extraterrestrial entities in NEO ███████-382, personnel discovered the leading causes of the incident and their point of origin.
When the Zenit and Molniya 1 spy satellites were put into orbit, the Soviet Union neglected to replace the Morse and alphanumeric codes, used at once by the extraterrestrial entities to activate one of the RPC-699 instances.
It is unknown why the Soviet Union would have a unique code to attack one of its principal allies. The leading hypothesis most accepted by investigators is that the attack was a contingency plan, intended to destroy Cuba and Fidel Castro in the event of treachery.
MINFAR will be given false information, and documents that affirm the Soviet use of R36-M missiles in this operation will be concealed.
Likewise, contact with these extraterrestrial entities must be ascertained for possible diplomatic options. Countermeasures must also be researched to establish a containment protocol during a worst-case scenario. Understanding why and how the Soviet Union made a treaty with these beings might give more insight into their nature.

Final Thoughts

This was rough, but with the Cold War backstabbing and the Soviet Union making an alliance with aliens, you’ve got the start of something good I think. It definitely needs some expansion as a lot of the details, especially once you start getting into the history, are pretty vague. With a little more work, I think it could be great.

Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!

Re: RPC-699 Cuban Misiles by

Raggabrash, 26 Mar 2023 03:25

Re: The chair of the [FORGOTTEN]

Dontlook001 25 Mar 2023 01:25
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » The chair of the [FORGOTTEN]

Finished final draft !

-grammar correction (I'm French so it was a hassle)
-header correction
-fixed general formatting
-redactions and formats screws removed
-text clarification in some places
-Addition of a paragraph supposed to add an emotion to the text. Rather than just saying that "it's a chair that makes you forget everything and then kills you" I preferred to highlight the real sadness of neurodegenerative diseases

Either way I followed all your valuable advice according to what was relevant to what I want to tell: A story of an RPC being a pretext for me to talk about neurodegenerative diseases.

Re: The chair of the [FORGOTTEN] by

Dontlook001, 25 Mar 2023 01:25

Re: The chair of the [FORGOTTEN]

DoubleDenial 24 Mar 2023 23:10
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » The chair of the [FORGOTTEN]

+ review

The first thing I noticed about this draft is that the formatting is incorrect in many ways. Authors are allowed a lot of leeway in formatting their articles pretty much however they want, but this just looks sloppy, and it will hinder readers' experience.

First of all, most of the section headers are incorrect. For instance, "Recorded phenomenon code" should be "Registered Phenomena Code", and "Hazard type" should be "Hazard Types". These can be copied directly from the formatting guide, so I'm a bit disappointed.
Also, there's typically no space before the colon.
There shouldn't be spaces in "Alpha - Yellow".
The hazard types are capitalized and punctuated as if they were a complete sentence, which looks bizarre. I personally capitalize the first letter of every word and don't include a period, and this is the most common way I see plaintext hazards written out.
You should use the image component for your article's image instead of the regular Wikidot image formatting. It looks much nicer, has room for a caption, and takes up a much more reasonable size.
"Site 030" should have a hyphen.
You should use two newlines after each paragraph instead of one. The lack of space is tiring on the eyes.
Wikidot being screwy: the navigational text at the bottom isn't showing up properly because there's a space after the "[[=]]".

Now that's out of the way, let me talk about the article on a conceptual level. I will say that, besides overall iffy grammar, the concepts are communicated pretty clearly and concisely, which is a good sign. However, your draft is based around two common gimmicks that are both played-out and (generally) inherently bad: redactions and format screws.

Redactions are tricky to criticize, since every author and reader has their own personal taste on how to use them. In spite of this, there are two particular kinds of redactions that I think are safe to consider "universally disliked". The first is censoring information that is incredibly easy to infer for no particular reason. Note that redacting information which will be revealed later, or can be solved by an observant reader, is okay and can in fact be good writing. What's not good are redactions that are pitifully easy to figure out and have no reason to be censored to begin with. They're tacky, cheesy, and break immersion.

I recall two examples of this in your draft:

I could ███ here with no regrets.

A note was reportedly found nearby, written in a scarlet liquid that turned out to be [FORGOTTEN]

The other common issue, and what exists at the other end of the spectrum, are redactions that cover up too much. Redacting key information about an anomaly, unless you absolutely know what you're doing, does not create a good mystery. The common accusation is that the author transparently doesn't have an idea what's behind the redaction themself, which reflects the central problem with this: it negates intrigue as opposed to creating it.

I recall three particularly egregious examples of this in your draft.

in the remaining 2%, [FORGOTTEN] in nearly 32 minutes.

Discovery : [FORGOTTEN]

That one wouldn't have had time to remember how [FORGOTTEN]

Say what it does! You can leave some things up to the imagination, but remember that you're the storyteller.

Interrupting the format with non-diegetic text (i.e. a "format break") is the other big issue with the concept. This was a trick commonly employed in the first months of the community before it fell wildly out of style, because, put simply, it's cheap. It doesn't make the anomaly feel especially powerful either, because any anomaly that does this will be preceded by 9001 earlier anomalies that did the exact same thing. If anything, it just makes the Authority look stupid. What it comes down to is an author being unable to communicate their idea through the actual format, so they give up and shove their stream of consciousness onto the page.

Looking past that, though, this is just kind of bland. It's pretty representative of what most authors do in their first attempt: come up with an object that does a thing, add a discovery and/or incident where little of note happens, and call it complete. Unless you're really good at engaging the reader (RPC-352 comes to mind as an article that did it right), this formula is bound to flop. You need a better story.

This is where the good news comes in! I absolutely think you're, barring the two issues mentioned above, on the right track. You have a good concept that you seem passionate about writing, and it has immersive imagery that works quite well. I said a lot of negative things, but I want to see you push forward, and I want to see this story completed. If you can turn the hook you have here into a surprising, disturbing, or otherwise interesting story, it could be great. (Feel free to start or participate in writing discussions on the Discord server for more input!)

Presently, I would have to give this a 1/5 were it published as an article.

+ line-by-line

- line-by-line

RPC-XXX is to be contained within a chain-link fence along the perimeter of its containment site.

Try not to use the word "contain" twice in one sentence.

Any attempted intrusion into the RPC-XXX containment area is to be handled by Site 030 security personnel disguised as local law enforcement, in which security personnel are to escort civilians out of the containment area .

"In which" is not a proper connector in this context. Personally, I'd probably just remove everything after the comma; it can be easily inferred. Also, there's a stray space before the period here.

A cover story about a gas leak can be used for more persuasion.

"More persuasion" is silly phrasing. This is otherwise an odd detail, since the Authority usually doesn't need a cover story to remove a single person from an isolated location.

Any changes to RPC-XXX should be reported to Site 030.

This is common sense for any anomaly, really. The only context in which I would recommend including a sentence like this is if you're foreshadowing the existence of past changes in the anomaly's behavior.

The chair is extremely degraded due to its prolonged exposure to the outside

Minor suggestion: change "due to its" to "from". Alternatively, a word for "degraded from prolonged exposure to the outside" is "weathered".

causing the appearance of rust

Gramatically correct, but I would recommend using the verb "rusting" instead of the vaguer "the appearance of rust".

However, it seems that the current state of the chair is permanent, any traces of additional rust that appears on the metal parts disappears after a few seconds, it seems that it is impossible to degrade the chair more than it does.

The first comma should be a semicolon, while the second should be a period. Using rust as an example is odd since it's normally an uncontrollable factor; is the chair immune to physical force? In the third sentence, "does" is incorrect and should be replaced with something akin to "has already been", though really the entire sentence is redundant and should be removed.

RPC-XXX seems unable to be moved from its place of origin, or even to turn the chair.

The tense of "turn the chair" is inconsistent with the rest of the sentence. Say "be turned" instead.

When a subject sits on the chair, the subject will describe the chair as "the most comfortable chair I have ever sat on" usually adding the comment

Missing comma before "usually". Overall, this is a poor explanation of the effect, unless it's literally an impulse to vocalize that exact statement; avoid using non-specific quotes, as shown here, to explain effects as much as you can. Instead, try something like this: Subjects who sit on the chair will perceive it as extraordinarily comfortable, reportedly beyond comparison with any past experience in the subject's life. Subjects will commonly express a sentiment of being able to "die here with no regrets", or something similar.

It seems that when a subject is seated on the chair, this one would take part in a great production of endorphin in the brain of the victim, after an average of 23 seconds of exposure, the subject will not be able any more consciously get up from the chair.

"It seems that"? Don't hedge. Is it or is it not? Overall, this entire sentence has poor grammar and should be rephrased. Also note that there's a comma splice between "victim" and "after".

After that

Not a good connector for a clinical document. I don't think this connector is actually necessary, anyway.

on-site MRIs noted cortical atrophy including hippocampal atrophy that suddenly appeared in the affected subject's brain after 2.3 minutes

Why are you suddenly writing in past tense?

In 53% of cases the subject will develop Alzheimer's disease in the following seconds, in 46% Parkinson's disease will develop in a few minutes, in the remaining 2%, [FORGOTTEN] in nearly 32 minutes.

There should be a comma after "cases", and there should be an "and" after the last comma.

you tell yourself that nothing matters anymore because in a few seconds you will have already forgotten.

Missing comma before "because".

Subject will die after [FORGOTTEN] hours of agony.

Not clinical.

On [FORGOTTEN] 20██, Site 030 detected an intrusion into the RPC-XXX security perimeter, 3 agents were dispatched to the area as soon as possible, of the 5 teenagers who entered

Two comma splices: both of these commas should be periods.

the fourth having [FORGOTTEN] has a large oak tree, origin of the rope unknown.

This doesn't match up with the tense of the previous list items, and I can't make out what this sentence's structure is actually supposed to be. "Having _____ has"? What? Also, "origin of the rope unknown" isn't a complete clause, though that's debatably acceptable.

A note was reportedly found nearby

Was it found nearby or not? Don't hedge. If the "reportedly" is actually important, draw more attention to it, e.g. say that they couldn't locate it later.

It appears that any ocular perception of RPC-XXX is capable of transmitting the effect of RPC-XXX by some unknown means, destruction all archives containing an image of RPC-XXX requested [FORGOTTEN]. Reclassification requested, [FORGOTTEN].

Comma splice, and a missing "of" after "destruction".

- line-by-line

Re: The chair of the [FORGOTTEN] by

DoubleDenial, 24 Mar 2023 23:10

Re: DRAFT: CUBES OF RETRIBUTION (looking for crit)

Scribbl 24 Mar 2023 22:31
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » DRAFT: CUBES OF RETRIBUTION (looking for crit)

Thanks for this crit, I think i'll just remove the destruction attempts and signal, and just focus on some people trying to comprehend why they are trying to save planet that they think is not worth saving.

Re: DRAFT: CUBES OF RETRIBUTION (looking for crit) by

Scribbl, 24 Mar 2023 22:31

Re: DRAFT: CUBES OF RETRIBUTION (looking for crit)

DoubleDenial 24 Mar 2023 21:37
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » DRAFT: CUBES OF RETRIBUTION (looking for crit)

+ review

First of all, I don't think there's any way this could fit into the baseline canon. While that isn't strictly a problem, I'm not sure if it was your intent. The problem I see is that this draft's scale was honestly ridiculous. 14000 deaths and the construction of a city-sized command center, and all they had to show for it were 11 logs? That's a ton of money, and I'm not even mentioning the ethical concerns. Also, out of universe, these kinds of things are usually written into canon with a huge amount of effort and author agreement, especially considering the Authority's budget. Either add more to the story or lower the significance of the events. I'm confident you can keep the meaning intact.

The ConProts and description of the article made a pretty good hook. They're punchy and to-the-point. The subject matter was notably reminiscent of one of the most iconic articles on the wiki, but I could still get behind it. The destruction attempts were boring fluff with unconvincing dialogue attached.

I'm not exactly sure what the signal burst was supposed to mean. Was it alien? If so, why was it in English?

The concluding log was the part most emblematic of this draft's underwhelming and simultaneously overreaching nature. Not to repeat myself, but you'd really think a 200-day 14000-man suicide mission would have more fanfare. The dialogue was also cripplingly bad at this point. These would realistically be highly-trained professionals, right? Why did "Kevin" (writing on a first-name basis?) write like an IRC nerd? James, while at least introducing capitalization, isn't much better, and was also incredibly stupid for not knowing that crashing into a planet-destroying object would kill him until 47 days in. I guess this would all make sense if their plan was to send the 14000 dumbest people on the planet.

Just having a lot of people commit suicide in the logs wasn't particularly effective. The characters didn't feel real enough, nor did the imagery. "Cosmic horror" usually hinges on things being imperceivable and impossible to understand, while everything about this anomaly was clear and understood. Also, if 14000 people really were required on this mission, how did it succeed in the face of constant mass suicide?

I said a lot of negative things, but I don't think this concept was without merit. The introduction was engaging, and I think one could write a world-saving suicide mission well with more tact. However, my current rating for this as an article would be 1.5/5.

+ line-by-line

Re: DRAFT: CUBES OF RETRIBUTION (looking for crit) by

DoubleDenial, 24 Mar 2023 21:37

Re: Eroded (Rewrite)

DoubleDenial 24 Mar 2023 20:17
in discussion Writing & Drafts / Drafts » Eroded (Rewrite)

+ review

Okay, this is a marked improvement from the original. Is it good enough to stay up? I think so. Should this draft be further improved before release? Definitely. While the original version was too ambiguous to make heads or tails of, this version is often too ham-fisted.

It's progress for sure, but the execution of the story feels watered down. Each tablet can be summarized in a handful of bullet points, and the way they're connected lacks any kind of worldbuilding richness. Not only do I know zero specific details about the characters or their way of life, I'm pretty much certain that you haven't thought about them either. For now, all I see are "agent dad", "stock victim child", "filler family", and "the boss guy from tablet 3".

If you want people to feel strong emotions for the characters themselves, write characters the reader can get to know.

Now, back to the infamous erosions. When it comes down to it, most of the erosions here don't add anything. Barely any of them are placed on words of significance.

You [eroded] so excited to open [eroded] presents that your cousins [eroded] gotten you.

Now, don't get me wrong; I like the gimmick. It's tolerable and lends a unique quality to the reading experience. I just have a hard time believing that they would leave such simple words blank instead of filling them in based off of assumptions.

The funeral [eroded] beautiful.

Eroding a bunch of unimportant words is pretty much a given if you want to communicate the gimmick effectively, but honestly I think you should be more generous with eroding meaningful parts. My fondness for the final tablet has actually lessened because there's not as much left to the imagination now.

Sometimes I'm not even convinced the erosions have words behind them:

I [eroded] hope that you [eroded] forgive me.

(fun game: replace every instance of "eroded" with "expletive")

Also, it's rather unbelievable that they could translate the inscription at the top of the entrance into a rhyming English poem.

The ending was good. It didn't make me cry or anything, but I certainly felt the feel it was going for. I hope the rest of the story gets improved, so it can be even more impactful. 3.5/5?

P.S. I miss the image :(
find a new one please