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DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 28 Nov 2022 20:58
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-779

This was just bland. The anomaly is forgettable, and the progression was predictable; I had already figured out everything important by the time I finished reading the first description paragraph. The fact that he murdered her was technically a reveal, but it didn't mean anything because no one had much character to begin with. As such, everything past the description is basically pointless. I liked the initial imagery and the pragmatic way of containing the anomaly, but otherwise it was very weak. 2/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 28 Nov 2022 20:58
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 27 Nov 2022 17:08
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-J-OURNAL

The "joke" amounted to whiny and unpleasant complaining about something that doesn't really matter. If I wanted to hear that, then I would just start a conversation in the RPC Discord.

I try to use a lot of standard-issued terms and clauses; like "invariably", or "have met with failure", or "to that end", or "no fewer than".

How dare they use common phrases.

And I don't really want to take writing advice from an article that starts out with fart and shit jokes. 1/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 27 Nov 2022 17:08
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 27 Nov 2022 14:49
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-319

I enjoyed this, but it was rather slow. I didn't feel like there was much motivation stringing me along to keep reading the next part. On a similar note, it doesn't really have a conclusive ending. I did like the Ace Attorney vibes I got from the progression, but I think this needed some kind of action scene to serve as a climax. Instead, it just kind of peters out.

It was a good use of the GoI and a creative premise in of itself. The execution was perfect for the most part, it's the actual narrative that could've used work. 4/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 27 Nov 2022 14:49

DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 25 Nov 2022 22:47
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-210
by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 25 Nov 2022 22:47
televisionisttelevisionist 24 Nov 2022 23:23
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-572

Crit Thread

by televisionisttelevisionist, 24 Nov 2022 23:23

I liked it. I thought it was neat and was able to make me laugh as many times as it made me go, "ouch" under my breath.

Not much to say outside of the spag I gave you in google docs. This should count.

  1. etc. is not clinical, use the full word
  2. you forgot that its ," not ",
  3. The examples list was fine enough
  4. I did like the bit at the end where they mention NuCorp
  5. I found the Gnad Daff inclusion really neat.

3 or a 4. No larger opinion. It's adequate.

Yup, it's been a while, but I'm back.

This draft, like many good ideas, came to me in a dream. Thanks to Gismo, Alma, Dattop and DoubleDenial for helping flesh out my basic idea.

DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 24 Nov 2022 18:44
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-4C-J

The reaction this got out of me was an "oh". It isn't really exaggerated, and when it does try to be exaggerated it feels misplaced and awkward (e.g. why is it Omega-Yellow?). The only joke that gets full commitment is the gag of putting something that isn't an anomaly into the RPC format, and I think RPC-8964-J did that better.


by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 24 Nov 2022 18:44

My years of lurking have paid off, and I am now officially the best author on this site


by the way please read my draft

Wasn't it down for like twenty minutes? I think I remember that

Re: WIKIDOT IS BACK by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 24 Nov 2022 17:40
televisionisttelevisionist 24 Nov 2022 08:08
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-319

Crit Thread

by televisionisttelevisionist, 24 Nov 2022 08:08
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 23 Nov 2022 23:22
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-588

Not a huge fan of this one. To me, it's basically another self-indulgent "anomalous science" fest with no actual narrative, much like RPC-270. This does have a slightly more interesting premise and didn't completely bore me out of my mind, but it also comes with the same power creep that you would normally get from curing every disease in existence.

Bad for canon, I say, bad for canon! 2/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 23 Nov 2022 23:22
DoubleDenialDoubleDenial 23 Nov 2022 22:53
in discussion Hidden / Per page discussions » RPC-890

I thought this was building up to something, but no, it's just a pill that makes you disappear. The delivery is wonky; it says "we don't know what this does" and then details obviously what it does.

If I'm supposed to be made uncomfortable by unfortunate implications, then give me an unfortunate implication that's interesting enough to make me uncomfortable. The final sentence made me wheeze, but I'm not going to let unintentional(?) humor sway my judgment… again. 2/5

by DoubleDenialDoubleDenial, 23 Nov 2022 22:53

This idea came to me and I wanted to see it through. It's on the short side.

Sandbox link
Image source

Did a google doc crit of three of yer drafts, and as proof, here's the shit I said in DMs. Should count.

Re: RPC-XXX "The Toad" by televisionisttelevisionist, 23 Nov 2022 17:16

Yeah, that's my fault. Sorry, I guess for as many spelling errors I took out I added some back in. I'll smooth them out in the second round of crit.

Some thoughts:

  • The abbreviation "Corp." refers specifically to corporations. What you want here is Psy Corps, with an 's'.
  • Lots of minor typos and a few spelling errors, (phobias spelled wrong, misplaced punctuation) that could be fixed with a more thorough readthrough. As always, I recommend reading it out loud.
  • Holy fuck that dating system is obnoxious. You can't even abbreviate it in any way?
  • In the final addendum you use "Selohssa" and "Soshi" to refer to the same species, I think?

So, okay, ending the point form here 'cause I think with some proofreading this is fine writing-wise. Storytelling-wise though… what about this is relevant to the GRPC? What about this connects or dovetails with the space opera setting in any way? This could just as easily be a regular RPC article with very minor tweaks.

I'm seeing lots of… I guess glossing over, throughout. It's not that there's any important detail missing, it's just not explored with the kind of rigor I'd expect from an article like this. Do more showing of the impact these psychic anomalies have on people, instead of just telling us that they do. Like, you spend a lot of words without getting into much detail about what their attacks on humanity look like, and without making them seem like particularly menacing threats.

The final addendum is really the cherry on the top of STOP TELLING US AND START SHOWING. I was hoping for an evocative, intense dream sequence to give a little bit of "wow" factor to the end of a fairly unexciting article, and what I got was more exposition.

They can't be a mysterious dream predator if we know their goals, their methods, and that they can be hurt. Fuck, lean into the dream side of things. Imply goals, imply threats, imply soul-searing emotional attacks. Knowing that the big scary dream monster can be hurt by just imagining stabbing it just kind of deflates any semblance of gravitas you've built up. The tone of the addendum also doesn't help with anything; this is a person who's just gone through a traumatic psychic attack, and their tone does not reflect that.

Spice it up, dude. You've got this theoretically wild and wacky setting and concept to work with and you don't do anything good with it.

Re: GRP-054 "Dream Aliens" by Von PincierVon Pincier, 23 Nov 2022 03:07
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