(account deleted) 17 Sep 2018 05:45
Very well written, it keeps you wanting to read more of it. I eagerly await that incident report. Good job, 5 starred.
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(account deleted) 17 Sep 2018 05:45
Another article that has a very solid narrative behind it with an eerie vibe reminiscent of the SCP of old. Great job, loved it, this article needs a tale so badly!
Pretty interesting article with some great concepts. The development of the narrative leaves a sweet taste after reading the final addendum, although I feel like the article falls for some easily-avoidable pitfalls (for instance, the addendum about the books felt fairly generic, in the sense that it explored deviations from expected reality in a way that's been done before — it could've simply been reduced to a few paragraphs rather than reiterating more or less the same message again and again.)
Overall, I think it's fun to interpret the article as a metaphor for the educational system. Gives a pretty dark flavour to the interviews with the girl.
+4
Why are the Containment Protocols five full paragraphs long? To challenge people like me who try to always read them in full? Many of the things mentioned never become relevant. Did I really need to know that personnel can remove mold from the building, but not external foliage? At the start of the article, you're effectively working on a time limit to keep the reader's interest, and this does not help.
When the procedures do become relevant, it often felt like the first mention was then redundant. That could've been good foreshadowing if done lightly, but reading all five paragraphs just left me feeling exhausted. And though the article does pick up after the Containment Protocols, this kind of unnecessary repetition lives on throughout the entire article.
The description begin with pointless discovery information. It's alright after that, at least until it pulls the god-damned "recording equipment malfunctions when the thing happens" trope. I know that this is an old article, but you shouldn't need hindsight to tell you how dumb and lazy that is.
To prevent the remainder of this review from being too long-winded, I'll just give a quick summary of each collapsible section. Or at least, that's what I wanted to do, because the collapsibles in this article are somewhat oddly arranged. I tried my best.
Stimuli table
The power outage part is all that progresses the article, and it will be repeated in the very next section anyway. I don't think you would lose much if you cut this out.
Phone call
This part is good. It does a good job introducing the "deeper being" of the article, while still being subtle enough to only make that recognizable in hindsight. It also renders the stimuli table redundant and unnecessary, along with the description of RPC-678-1 speaking habits.
RPC-678-A
Like the phone call, this part actually progresses the article, this time also heightening the stakes and making the presence of a malicious force feel more apparent. It's well executed, and I don't really have any other complaints or comments.
Camera
Another well executed part, but why this happens chronologically before the last segment in spite of its position in the article and narrative is beyond me.
Appendix A
This could've been included at the end of the RPC-678-A part.
Appendix B
This could've been included in the Description. "(but see Addendum I)" is some first draft level phrasing. I would just go with "(see Addendum I)", especially as it makes the contents of Addendum I more ambiguous.
Appendix C
Unless there's some kind of grand connection I'm missing, this just feels like random shit being thrown at the wall in an attempt to grab my attention. It's another unnecessary section that pads out the article, and one of the longest.
Appendix D
Adds an extra sense of mystery to the article after most of it's already over. Nice, though I think this could've been reformatted into a Discovery section.
Appendix E
I don't know what this adds to the narrative, but it didn't particularly offend me or anything.
Addendum I (shouldn't it be an "Addendum" section and not a collapsible?)
Feels weird that this is used as a conclusion when it comes before most of the other events and doesn't really say anything the reader didn't already know, but it's alright.
Overall, I give this article a 3/5. It's oddly arranged, has a lot of long, boring, unnecessary parts, and contains a fair few grammatical errors, but I could significantly enjoy this article with a nice enough rewrite. The tale of the schoolchildren trapped in a cold, monotonous, violent school…
Wait, that sounds like an article I've already read, except less horrific and less memorable. And now I don't know what to think.
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