My funkiest RPC yet:
RPC-570 / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page RPC-570.
(account deleted)The progression here is just great. The general distress just kept scaling up, only to end with a perfectly satisfying end. Great work!
and people say a tale in rpc form is bad
I thought this was overall a pretty good article, but a signficiant amount of spelling and grammatical errors are the reason I am giving this a 3.
The pacing was also a bit off for me. Thr final iteration felt redundant, merely repeating information we already knew, which made it a bore to get through. Also, the Summary of Incident 570-Zeta killed it for me. Most of that was just a repeated version of the previous iteration in a shittier format. The ERROR iteration actually showed us the conflict through the eyes of a character, and with a fantastic emotional story to go along with it. The summary just repeats the information in a boring way.
Also, revealing that the 570-1 instances went back to normal was also bad in my opinion. It would be much better if left as a mystery to whether they tore the guy to pieces or went back to normal.
A possible solution would be to change it, with the final iteration being partially corrupted, meaning the summary and description are both lost. The important information that the object is now neutralized would still be preserved, but the resolution to the story would not get dragged out.
I think this article show go through an overhaul, even if only to fix all the grammar and spelling errors.
Edit: After revisiting the article, I don’t like it as much as I originally did. Gonna change my vote to a 2.
ITERATION 1
Tests can only be conducted by personnel with Level-2 Clearance and above, and have a requirement of being accompanied by at least one armed security guard.
To
Tests can only be conducted by personnel with Level-2 Clearance or above and must be accompanied by at least one armed security guard.
The anomalous properties of RPC-570 manifest when an individual comes into physical contact with it by means of scratching or petting.
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The anomalous properties of RPC-570 manifest when an individual comes into physical contact with it, such as by scratching or petting.
When contact is made with RPC-570, the individual will experience a state of "mind control" and become an instance of RPC-570-1.
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When contact is made with RPC-570, the individual (hereby designated RPC-570-1) will take on several significant changes in behavior.
Instances of RPC-570-1 will retain all human abilities and memories. However, they will demonstrate newfound abnormal characteristics.
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Instances of RPC-570-1 will retain all human abilities and memories, however, they will demonstrate newfound abnormal characteristics listed below.
Extreme levels of infatuation with RPC-570, often neglecting their own needs in order to provide it with "care" and "attention".
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Extreme levels of endearment for RPC-570, often neglecting their own needs in order to provide it with "care" and "attention".
Infatuation may not be the right word here. I think it means a short lived feeling, not continuous like RPC-570-1 instances have.
Attempting to kill anyone that they deem "unworthy of the love of our Queen".
This is a characteristic, so I think it would make sense to change “Attempting” to “Desire”.
ITERATION 2
Under no circumstances must any individual come into contact with RPC-570 or an instance of RPC-570-1.
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Under no circumstances are any individual to come into contact with RPC-570 or an instance of RPC-570-1.
When contact is made with RPC-570, the individual will experience a state of "mind control" and become an instance of RPC-570-1.
To
When within 30 meters of RPC-570, the individual (hereby designated RPC-570-1) will take on several significant changes in behavior.
Attempting to coax others into entering RPC-570's radius of influence.
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Coaxing unaffected individuals into entering RPC-570's radius of influence.
Currently, it is impossible to resist the effects of RPC-570 .
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Currently, it is impossible to resist the effects of RPC-570.
(There was a space before the period at the end of the sentence)
We only discovered the hidden abilities of RPC-570 until it was too late.
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We only discovered the hidden abilities of RPC-570 after it was too late.
I think this Addendum document feels weirdly unprofessional for an Authority researcher to be writing. It would make sense if you add the line “This is Dr. [insert name here]. I don’t have a lot of time to write this so standard protocol is going out the window.” Something like that could work.
ITERATION 3
Hazard Types: Doesn't fucking matter.
Containment Protocols: It doesn't matter anymore.
Minor nitpick, but saying it doesn’t matter twice felt a bit repetitive.
…and then all of a sudden they're were swarming us
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…and then all of a sudden they were swarming us
ITERATION 4
Let her touch you, embrace you in her warmth
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Let her touch you, embrace you in her warmth.
(Missing period)
**ERROR**
I think you should add an explanation to why this page exists. Same problem as having the final iteration be partially corrupted, it can be a bit plot-holey. Maybe you can have something like “This is the only way I could get a message outside the site, by editing the original document”.
It was to late.
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It was too late.
FINAL ITERATION
Shouldn’t the description be removed? Like, it is just a dead cat now. There is no anomaly.
The Incident began when RPC-570 manifested a new ability that allowed it to take control of the mind of any individual on a much larger scale.
Using the staff as it's puppet, RPC-570 used Site-88's resources to fulfill its own desires
I don’t think this makes sense because the Authority would not know whether the cat is intentionally doing this. It seems like you are saying that the cat is consciously manipulating people, rather than subconsciously. I this that the Authority does not have any reason to assume this is the case.
and the remaining healthy staff at Site-88
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and the remaining unaffected staff at Site-88
were able to contain RPC-570 and it's "followers" inside of Containment Wing 04.
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were able to contain RPC-570 and all remaining RPC-570-1 instances inside of Containment Wing 04.
Soon, all but one of the staff members, a Senior Researcher named ██████ Hieman, were instances of RPC-570-1.
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Soon, all but Senior Researcher ██████ Hieman became instances of RPC-570-1.
Following the attack on the remaining healthy personnel
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Following the attack on the remaining unaffected personnel
I'm glad the crit was used. I am changing my vote from 3 to 4 stars.
/forum/t-6383439/rpc-570#post-