This needs some serious reformatting.
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The concept is great! I liked the format because it adds to made the story realistic. I can't imagine that a world wide organization would be able to keep all reports exactly the same. Keep up the good work!!
Gräßlichkeiten aus Deutschland!
- die Autoren
It's a great idea, your wording really sells it and the terms you use to describe it's effects are great.
But you use ███████ too much, and don't give MST Alpha-5 a codename which are the two problems that stand out on a fundamental level for me.
"RPC-087 is extremely dangerous and all containment protocols must be followed"
This is pointless fix it
I love the concept though I'd love to see you add to it maybe when it envelops people it causes them to live in a dream world? I also don't think it should be Gamma, Beta sounds much better. Go more in depth as to what the entity is not necessarily events concerning it though they are nice it's hard to force yourself to read it I was much more interested to read about the anomaly.
At this time, it is unknown if RPC-087 is sentient, organic and origin is unknown.
Should read
At this time, it is unknown if RPC-087 is sentient. Organic composition and origin are unknown.
Attempts to measure mass of RPC-087 at this time have met negative results; its vertical height varies at all times.
Should probably be more like
Attempt to measure mass of RPC-087 have yet to yield consistent results; its vertical height varies at all times.
I wish I had my actual name of Teria
I see your point but I'm going for in informal report format.I work for a global organization that produces volumes of reports and we use the informal standard. A report is to convey information and does not follow the usual narrative style. I greatly appreciate the feedback and thank you for taking the time to read my work.
What the heck is an MST-OB supposed to be?
I found it on the map, its an "Operations Base".
Spooky concept written nicely, I found this to be an exciting read.
Grammar and explanations are poor. "Consuming brain waves" is not a concept you can just drop into an article with the idea of being clinical — at the very least the basics of the process should be conveyed.
Concept are narrative aren't much better, although I enjoyed the world-building elements. This would substantially benefit from a minor rewrite.
+2
This is positively style over substance, though the style itself leaves much to be desired. From the first moment of the Containment Protocols, things are already fishy, with it dropping immediately into a bullet list of items instead of actual instructions: a jarring start. Even before that, the lack of hazards doesn't make sense. I also noticed the "artist depiction", which seems to me like an attempt was made at a realistic image until the writer gave up and just fiddled with the contrast to make it "art".
Eating brain waves is too high concept for this fledgling two-paragraph description, a length usually only sufficient for the most basic of Alpha-class anomalies. "Ongoing research"? It just sounds like the writer didn't understand their own anomaly. They couldn't even decide whether to say "absorption" or "consumption", opting instead for "absorption/consumption"… every single time…
When not in absorption/consumption condition, RPC-087 can envelop victims and kill in approx. ██ seconds.
This sentence is tacked abruptly on at the very end and feels like a cheap justification to make the anomaly more dangerous.
The remainder of the article tries to tell a story, which is respectable. In theory, telling this emotive story through dry government documents would be perfect for the spirit of RPC. In practice, the events are not interesting enough, and mostly retread what features of the anomaly the description has already laid down. Also, I never used to understand the hate for blackboxes, but…
Officers ███ (Badge#███), ███d (Badge#███) and I made entry from southeast doors located along Desha Road. ███ was immediately hit by suspect and dragged into Room #██ and we heard a struggle ensue. ███ and I immediately approached the door with intent to engage suspect with deadly force.
Am I supposed to be following this? Sure, you can hide random numbers if you really want to, but none of the characters in this story are named and it makes the reading experience impenetrable. Combine this with the fact that only one character expresses overt emotion (the unforgettable ███, not to be confused with Officer ███), and the story is dry as a desert.
I don't have much more to say about the rest, it's simply a boring recovery story. I can't imagine this roundabout drama that just leads to the anomaly being contained as usual would ever be engaging, but when it reads like this…
A-5 deployed ██████ Containment Weapon and was unsuccessful. D-5 deployed ██████ Containment Weapon and made partial containment.
It certainly doesn't help.
Were I to point to redeeming qualities, I'd say that the writer's ability to copy jargon and document formatting is a potential strength, but I really didn't find anything to enjoy about this product. Though I considered the core idea somewhat neat, I'm not so much hoping for a rewrite as I am vaguely hoping some other author will get a similar idea and do it better. I don't see this deserving of "salvaging", unless somebody could get really into it and prove me wrong.
However, I wouldn't keep my hopes up. 1/5
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