(account deleted) 19 Jun 2018 20:58
please remove the whole kill subjects at will shit
I can't stop you but it makes it sound like an over the top invincible mary sue, even if it isnt.
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(account deleted) 19 Jun 2018 20:58
Could do with a more ambiguity, as someone from Yogyakarta I can confirm she's a local myth. Even so, the containment procedures could do with more beefing up, or some kind of power limiter.
I really feel like this RCP could be explained better, mainly how it kills people and how the Authority knows RPC-005 is not shape shifting. I also feel this RPC could be improved by perhaps hinting as to why RPC-005 wants to kill young men, not necessarily stating outright why but hinting at it to leave more intrigue to this RPC.
Absolutely loved it! One of the best RPCs I've read so far. You nailed all the points a good RPC needs and I'm happy to upvote this.
I really do like this one, too. Gives off the kind of vibe I was looking for. I do have some suggestions, though:
The line "The chamber holding RPC-005 must be located at least 100 kilometers from any large body of saltwater," being thrown in at the end of containment procedures instead of with the other water proximity-related requirements makes it seems like an afterthought.
Technically water is an "organic liquid," so it might be better to say "bodily fluids" instead, since the only examples are blood and sweat. The term "organic liquid" is also commonly applied to industrial products.
You refer to other people as "subjects" when explaining the anomaly's effects later in the article, so it might be better to change "alters people's perception" to "alters subjects' perception."
Just for syntax reasons, I'd recommend changing "intimidation, lure or disguise measure" to "intimidation measure, lure or disguise."
Just for clarity's sake, I'd also recommend adding "in height" to "Elderly woman measuring approximately 145 cm." so it says "Elderly woman measuring approximately 145 cm. in height."
Really good job though. This is a solid SCP that doesn't need much polishing, so kudos.
It is. The order from Global Director 04 to move RPC-005's confinement pen 100 kilometers from any body of water only came in 2006.
Good point, I'll change it.
Another good point.
I'll have to think about it.
Another good point.
Thank you for your suggestions.
A few grammatical issues, and tonally I didn't enjoy some of the description. (especially as a few people said before the killing at will, on touch thing)
But this is great, an A+ for effort and a B+ for Writing.
I liked this one. The dialogue was a bit off. The only real flaw was the idea of amnesiatizing an entire nation. I feel that amnestics are too heavily relied on in RPCs. Who would even consider applying them to an entire country?
/forum/t-6190250/rpc-005#post-
