Vintage Tailor
I need some help and crit (the name of the dr on the test logs will not remain censored, i want to leave that for the en because idc enough).
Vintage Tailor
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» Vintage Tailor
Summary:
Just an RPC idea I had
RPC-███ is a male humanoid cyborg…
Remember that "cyborg" isn't necessarily clinical. "Augmented human" and the like is more appropriate. Try "humanoid augmented with mechanical components such as clockwork gears and springs" maybe? Use more flavorful language…
composed of bronze clockwork gears connected to a human male called Gustav Schneider, dressed in a manner to evoke the image of an early 1800s “Maßschneider” and carrying a leather bag.
Instead of "connected to a human male" try "The human components have been sourced to a 'Gustav Schneider', a tailor from 19th century Prussia" or something along those lines.
Unless active, RPC-███ does not display aggressive behaviour. RPC-███ becomes active once it visually detects a subject within a range of 45 meters. Once this happens, the subject becomes an RPC-███-A instance. Upon activation, RPC-███ will pursue the RPC-███-A at 20 km/h, limping in the direction of its target.
Unless the affect on the victim is anomalous, I'm not sure why they need to become a -A instance. It seems like the victim would just die? Unless they're like getting up from this and becoming a zombie or whatever, just address them as "the victim" instead of -A. Also, try something other than 'limping'… 'stumbling' or 'ambulating awkwardly', maybe. Be more specific in how it limps. Is this a Captain Clark situation?
If RPC-███ loses line of sight with the RPC-███-A instance, it will cease pursuit and instead ambulate within its general movement area for a random time span before returning to a dormant state.
I think it'd be creepier if it's smart enough to pursue even without line of sight. How about a timer? The victim has like, 10 minutes to escape maybe? Although if it's limping I doubt many people would actually get caught. But you can't just say 'a random time span' and put the span in a footnote. That should be spelled out. I also think the time should be consistent instead of random- we're dealing with clockwork after all…
When activated, RPC-███ will follow the RPC-███-A with its functional eye, attempting to maintain visual contact. X-ray scans have demonstrated that RPC-███ can fully rotate its upper body in a 360° range of motion to maintain eye contact with RPC-███-A.
I don't think you would need an X-ray to demonstrate that? Lol
Anyway good article… addenda are much better with good visuals that do a lot for the article. Some of the stuff in there could be used earlier? What if that drawing showed up in the description?
Thanks, TOMB. I applied the crit, and yeah, the time span is in a footnote; it can vary from 8 minutes to 5 hours, and I also added a new image to it🤗.
Containment Protocols:
Site-88
Minor thing, but site designations always have three digits, so it would be "Site-088"
Staff is prohibited
Staff are*
with the entity(see addendum-███-02)
missing space after "entity", capitalized "addendum"
Any testing
Can remove "Any"
Description:
You need to capitalize the text inside footnotes as if they were their own individual sentences.
RPC-███’s back is a vintage winding key of 40 cm in height and 60 cm wide
remove vintage, change text after "key" to "40cm tall and 60cm wide"
RPC-███’s left eye emits a constant glow, which it uses to illuminate dark areas.
I'd move this sentence before the one talking about the winding key
2 minutes
for numbers smaller than 10 and not part of a designation, spell them out
after first sight
"after initial sighting" I think is more clear
have demonstrated
have shown*
helps RPC-███ to
helps it to*
body in a 360° range of motion to
I'd simplify to "body 360° degrees to"
blood vessels.RPC-███’s Right “hand” consists
missing space after period, decapitalize "Right" and remove the quotations around "hand" as they're not called for in this scenario. If you want to, you can change it to "appendage" instead
with a length of 51 cm and 12 cm wide.
I feel this bit is unnecessary and takes away from the "oomph" of the paragraph's ending
a thick reddish liquid
comma after "thick"
RPC-███ does not respond to sounds or any other stimuli unless in an active state.
I feel the reader can already guess this with the information you've provided already
the entity will proceed
"it will proceed" flows better
with the sewing needle that replaces its left hand
I'd change to "with its sewing needle", we already know it replaces its right hand
and drag the victim instance to
and drag it to*
or a large
remove the "a"
RPC-███ will forcibly remove the victim's clothing to replace it. Through a method that is still unknown, RPC-███ will materialize old thick fabrics from its bag and will start sewing this fabric to the victim’s body. After an undetermined amount of time, the victim's body will have a high-quality vintage dress suit or a dome-shaped full dress with intricate patterns and expressive dyes, depending on the victim's biological gender, sewn directly onto the skin.
Through unknown means, RPC-███ will materialize thick fabrics from its bag to sew onto the victim's body after removing their previous garments. Once finalized, it will have finished attaching a high-quality dress suit or hoopskirted dress (gender-dependant) onto their skin.*
I like the description and what you're trying to go for here, but I feel you could do away with a lot of the physical descriptions around the anomaly (specially all the cm measurements), mostly on the first four paragraphs, so you can focus more on WHAT it DOES, as you do in the last paragraphs.
Discovery:
RPC-███ was found on 03/05/1970 in a hidden basement in an old edifice in Dresden, East Germany at the time.
RPC-███ was found on 03/05/1970, inside a hidden basement at an old edifice in Dresden, East Germany.* (no need to specify since the date implies so)
I find it really funny to image like three or four guys trying to stop this guy and being unable to. I believe they would have, at least, tried to grab the ASF itself to pull it away. Maybe indicate that they tried, but the entity started attacked them with the needle?
Addendum:
Add a divider before this section starts. Also, in the collapsible names, capitalize "Autopsy Report" and maybe add a | or - before it. I also don't see the point in listing what was found in bullet points when you already do the same in their individual sections.
RPC -███'s early
bad space
and final first
and first final*
Consent letter of
Consent letter from*
note of an
note from an*
Dear Anna:
if it's a letter dating from that type, it should be "Dear Anna,". People didn't really use ":" like that.
(footnote: a sweet cinnamon pastry from 1800s Germany)
is this necessary? kinda cuts the "letter" vibe
(the name is smudged).
I feel this should be said in the foreword
in only a few days
"in just a few days time" would be more time-adequate
Things are not going so well;
replace semicolon with a period
yet; he
same thing
from the husband's woman
this is a really odd way to put it. I would replace it with just his name of "Luise's husband" or smth
ASF-███ autopsy results
I… don't really know why this section is here? It just repeats what we can already tell from the discovery section and doesn't add anything new.
RPC-███, Labrador Retriever (1)((Canis Lupus Familiaris).
RPC-███, 1 Labrador Retriever* (put the scientific name in a footnote)
A Canis lupus familiaris was
No need to use the scientific name beyond the first specification. Just use "subject" or "dog"
chamber.RPC-███
missing space
Final Thoughts:
It's not bad, I like the idea and visuals, but I feel the addendums past the first one fall kinda flat. Like, yes, we know it killed and dressed up an ASF guy, and that it would do the same with man/female as well if placed in sight of it. There's nothing really new gained here that the reader can't already guess. I would suggest changing them for something more… new(?). Maybe an attempt at an interview, or seeing how it reacts with human-like figures like a mannequin and stuff. Something that ADDS to the article instead of repeating information we already know about.
1.93 meters in height and weighing 276 lbs,
You're using the metric system for the entity's height, and the imperial system for its weight. I would recommend saying "6 feet 3 inches in height and 276 lbs" or "1.93 meters in height and weighing 125 kilograms."
vessels.RPC-███’s Right “hand”
vessels. RPC-███’s right “hand”
70% pig blood and the remaining 30% being a mix of arsenic, formaldehyde, and an unidentified substance.
I would maybe be more exact with these percentages. Something like "70% pig blood, 12% arsenic, 10% formaldehyde, and 8% of an unidentified chemical compound."
Seconding MF_TOMB's suggestion about removing the line-of-sight requirement.
RPC-███ will forcibly remove the victim's clothing to replace it. Through a method that is still unknown, RPC-███ will materialize old thick fabrics from its bag and will start sewing this fabric to the victim’s body. After an undetermined amount of time, the victim's body will have a high-quality vintage dress suit or a dome-shaped full dress with intricate patterns and expressive dyes, depending on the victim's biological gender, sewn directly onto the skin.
Suggestion: What if the entity specifically ignores people who are already wearing the outfits described in this paragraph? I feel it would add a nice bit of character to the entity.
Overall, nice article. I like the picture, and the drawing in the first addendum is neat.
/forum/t-18314309/vintage-tailor#post-