The Paper Witch
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
The Paper Witch
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» The Paper Witch
Summary:
I want a fun interview with a bunch of older RPCs
My crit
"…the envelope before the demanifesting via spontaneous combustion."
remove the "the"
"Dr. Victor Kleiner on Site-016."
replace "on" with "in"
Otherwise, it's really great and nice! Although personally I would enjoy it if the paper which interviewed a janitor or some other employee for the authority, since if you are not familiar with the RPC being interviewed, it does take the wind out a little bit (the footnotes are great though, no complaints on that front!). As someone with 0 attachment to any of the RPC mentioned, I still had a great time reading the article and found it a really smooth reading experience, good job!
Most of my crit will have to do with the interviews, as dialogue is where I am most skilled in.
My only question regarding this is, if after the interview the paper returns to the envelope and combusts, how does the Authority have copies of these interviews for us to read?
with that asked, onto my crit for the dialogue:
How do you know my name? How did you know where I work, for that matter? No,
The sentence here cuts off, and is incompleted
I have my sources—a list of interesting people I keep track of. But make no mistake, I’m not omniscient. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be interviewing you.
This comes off as a bit curt, maybe trite and almost a little scolding at the end. Specifically the final sentence. Based on Ophelia's personality it feels like it would be a bit more fitting for a quip or a teasing jab to be here rather than a quick and stone hard "I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to".
That’s true… But… is this a legal thing? Will this be eligible for court? Should I talk to my lawyer before this? You can’t reveal the existence of the Authority.
I'm not too sure how to feel about this line. It's not bad, it just feels a little forced? I do not know the character very well, so please take this with a grain of salt. Nothing legal was mentioned in the dialogue they are responding to, so the first thought being "will this hold up in court"1 is a little sudden. Then the last sentence tacks onto this feeling, making this line in particular kinda janky. The following response from Ophelia is still very usable though! My biggest recommendation would be to have him say something along the line of "I'm sorry, but I can't give you any information regarding the Authority."
Ophelia
Have you not heard that paper beats rock? Now, unless you have scissors, I suggest you stay calm and collected.RPC-022
Does my sword count as a scissor?Ophelia
Only if you have two of them.RPC-022
Ha! A fine answer. Very well, witch. If your business is just journalism, I can indulge you. Speak.
No notes for this bit, just wanted to say it made me laugh and I wanted to point it out because it's a very fun interaction that sets up the mood here really well.
You know, I’ve been wondering something. Mister, walking, talking, killing statue man. Do pigeons land on you often? As would all other statues would?
You say "would" twice here, though even with just one would the sentence doesn't make much sense. "As would all other statues?" "As all other statues would?". I'd reccommend removing the final sentence to be honest, as the previous question wraps the line up well enough.
Di immortales, witch, are all your questions trivial?
You, yourself, mighty centurion. Well, in my case, I'm more curious about the man who is Lucilius, rather than Lucillus, a loyal soldier. After all, everybody keeps asking you about battles; you're a historian's favorite when it comes to battles!
This response feels like a little bit of a jump. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but she doesn't acknowledge his question/complaint. Additionally, the first portion of this response doesn't make much sense in the context of things in my opinion.
A lot of what I've mentioned I've said in DMs as well, but I'll say it here too to be more official!
Oh! You're… paper! That's a new one. Are you a newly transferred RPC?
I personally feel that, while I'm fully cool with the veil being pierced for her, I don't think she would use the official terminology. She essentially grew up being told she was a patient in this facility. It makes sense to me that she would see this walking paper and hesitate on what to call it, before settling on patient.
What, do you have anything against witches?
personally, I think "something" would flow a little better than "anything", but as it is it still works.
It's okay… It gets lonely sometimes. But not always; the scientists are nice, Ashley likes to show off a lot, but she's really cool. I sometimes meet a lot of ghosts too, but they don't talk a lot. I don't get to meet most other anomalies.
From what you've mentioned to me privately, Alshey is a reference to 016. But I don't actually know what the ghosts is a reference to.
Mmm… There are a lot. Oh! There's this one funny show! Yuru yuri, I think it's called. They usually have cutsey episodes, but sometimes, the characters there directly talk to you.
Call me a weeb, but the "yuri" in "Yuru yuri" should be capitalized. Also this is objectively funny and it would definitely be one of the first anime she's exposed to without a doubt.
The characters would randomly call themselves Sigma and be like "kyaaa took me long enough to get here without anyone noticing. How is the show Kaylee-chan? Can we watch from the beginning?" and then it loops the episode.
I'm curious how Sigma got here, I really wanna know more. Good use of a mention! I can thoroughly imagine this happening and Kaylee just deadpanned 'dang it, again?' after it happens throughout her watching the series and it tickles me.
Ophelia
I like SpongeBob too.Kaylee
I'm betting… You want me to tell you how your story will go in the The Little Book of Love. It's what everyone keeps asking me about.
I'd reccommend putting a little lull between these two. Maybe several seconds pass of silence, followed by Kaylee bringing attention to the book.
I do wonder the kind of man would fall in love with a paper witch.
I'd recommend changing it to say person instead of man, as she's seen many pairs of people in her books that are same sex or even gender non-conforming, including one in her original article.
Little writers note, I absolutely freaking love this interview. Thank you so much!
RPC-five eigh— Hm… Sherry can see you.
After this there is a bit where Sherry goes into the first person, before swapping back to third after the mention of the pattern she's making.
Because introductions are polite. Now, little Sherry, might I interview you for an article I've been writing? I call it "interview with a little Malthus".
A very inconsequential nitpick, but as she is a writer I think she'd probably capitalize the title! "Interview With a Little Malthus"
That certainly is an unforgivable injustice. But surely you. Old forgive them for their transgressions.
Typo! "But surely you could/should forgive them for their transgressions?"
I can never match the logical strength of you and your siblings.
I think it would probably be "I could never match the logical…"
(I fidget my feed on the table.)
I… Don't know what this means. Feet?
(I freezes.)
"(I freeze)"
Is there? Johan is a little Malthuses just as much as you and your siblings are. There are hundreds of you.
"…little Malthus…", I believe
Overall, I absolutely love this. It brings so much character to these entities, and I feel you've done a great job properly representing and portraying the personalities of these individuals. HUGE kudos! Can't wait to see this up on the site!
Footnotes
1. "Will this be eligible for court?" is a little rough. The actual term would be "Would this be admissible evidence in court?", but that's also a bit too clinical for a casual conversation so take this how you will!
woah very nice crit. i. feel embarassed now!!!
Naw no need to be embarassed! It's not often I lock in this hard, so typically my crit looks fairly similar to your own :D
mhmmmm yes very curiouis and most interestink article… a few notes..!!!
For several seconds, he simply stared at the source of the voice: a folded sheet of lined paper sitting atop his desk. The paper awkwardly rises on its two feet, waving one edge of its corner cheerfully.
yes this isnt necessarily clinical and. oh. i didnt read that carefully. i see there are very explict reasons for this and now i look foolish…
well. i dont have much solid crit, our friend justalways was much more studious and pointed out stuff iw anted to say!!
but you "ate" this up! i have "no" notes! hahaha…
/forum/t-18170759/the-paper-witch#post-