This was based on 2 NuCorp rumors:
- After a Parallel Earth Waged Nuclear War, Nucorp is running a Clearance Sale of Fission-based weaponry
- Nucorp has begun making deals with several Veiled agencies
Happy with the result, feedback time
CONTAINMENT:
"a standard secure containment steel safe," It feels weird to add the word "containment" in there, maybe remove it.
"Any individuals […] found inside RPC-XXX's active area of effect are to be recovered afterwards and questioned, if applicable." I don't know about using the word recovered, maybe "apprehended" or another word to say you're arresting or holding the person till interrogation.
"Any individual caught attempting so will be interrogated and subject to disciplinary actions, if applicable." If tampering with this anomaly is so dire, you could also reclassify the individual to CSD. Just putting it out there.
Overall, competent Containment Protocols with only a few minor wording mishaps that I personally see.
Not much to say about the Description, I like the weirdness of this thing and how what seems to be the anomalous bit is just so different from everything else.
In the discovery, small nitpick, but what would minimal casualties mean for this MST?
Nothing to say about the transcript, that dude seems rather unprofessional but hey its characterful
Short and sweet. Helps with the rumours too
Crit applied, thank you for your feedback
You should probably use the proper formatting for RPC pages so you can have the object class logo, which you can find how to do here: Formatting Page
Also, and this is more of a personal aesthetic choice, it could be a nice idea to separate the sections with dividers since there's no image to tell apart sections.
within a 3x3x3m³ reinforced concrete
It should be either 3x3x3m or 3m3
Site-XX
Hopefully a placeholder. You can find Sites and what each one is from and what they're for here: Site Index
level 3 clearance or above.
can be shortened as "L3+ clearance", same with all other mentions of level clearance
Attempts to disassemble RPC-XXX's internal components are strictly forbidden. Any individual caught attempting so will be interrogated and subject to disciplinary actions, if applicable.
I feel this to be a bit redundant.
personnel and staff members
pick either, they mean the same thing here
I think the Containment Protocols could be more concise, but it has a nice hook.
RPC-XXX is a 1m diameter stainless metallic-like sphere resting on 4 struts made of a similar material, attached to a 1.3x1.3x2m metallic box weighing ~7,960 Kg.
I think something more clear would be: "RPC-XXX is a stainless metallic sphere, 1m in diameter, held atop a 7,960kg, 1.3m3 metallic box by four studs of a similar material."
Analysis and study of RPC-XXX's material have demonstrated the sphere to be anomalously resilient to damage and wear, feeding speculation that the material composing the sphere and struts did not originate from this reality.
I'd change to: "Material analysis suggests RPC-XXX to have been alloyed with elements not found in our reality, being anomalously resilience to all forms of damage and chemically non-reactive."
RPC-XXX's controller is a small rectangular handheld wireless plastic device
I'd change to: "RPC-XXX's controller is a small, rectangular, wireless plastic device"
The controller is composed of 3 small light bulbs (Blue, orange and deep purple) with corresponding switches and a red button used for activation.
I'd change to: "The controller possesses three small light bulbs on its surface (blue, orange, and purple), with corresponding switches, and a red button for activation." I please beg you to use any other color than purple, it is really hard to see on a dark theme.
RPC-XXX's main anomalous properties are
Better to cut as "Its anomalous properties are"
centring on RPC-XXX
centered on itself*
As of this time
As of writing*
with a brain larger than 17 g
It would be "heavier than"
Animals who are normally skittish or aggressive towards humans and other animals will exhibit uncharacteristic comfort towards individuals and other animals.
This is a bit more concise and doesn't repeat words: "Animals which are commonly skittish or aggressive towards other will exhibit uncharacteristic comfort around others."
causes an instant
no need for the "an" here
a large smooth metallic cube of similar composition to obsidian
obsidian is a type of glass, and unless they could pick away at it, it would be better to say: "a smooth, crystalline cube resembling obsidian."
I think it'd be nice if the ball on top vibrated or had some sort of visual indicator for activating, more than anything to have a better visual of it.
and known Room 28 POIs
uhhhhhh, what is Room 28? If you introduce a very niche irl concept or some personal lore, it'd be best to explain it in a footnote - moreso if it's central to the article
MST Echo-73 "The Bastards"
it should be written as: MST Echo-73 ("The Bastards")
- Assault the Freighter ██████████ before it reaches North Korea
- Neutralize any hostiles on board.
- Confirm the location of RPC-XXX and extract it
- Sink the ship to remove any evidence of Authority involvement
I'll be honest, this is a bit brutal and out of character for the Authority just for a single Authority that they don't even know the mechanics of. It would need to be something a bit more urgent for them to think of invading a ship, much less kill the people in it
The format here is a bit confusing. I'd recommend using something like the Alma Interview Log format
I'll be honest, I don't think how I feel about straight up having Kim Jong Un as a character here. Also, why is he here? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to speak to a high-ranking member of the North Korean military rather than have him alone in a room with a random European?
I don't know how professional it is to be swearing every two other lines for someone in such an inherent precarious situation and surrounded with people who probably aren't moved by this particular style of in-person marketing.
$6 million USD
This is probably the least-believable part of the entire article. This thing is NOT worth so little.
This… was quite something. I can't say I expected Kim Jong Un to show up like that. I believe the tone of the Nucorp salesman is a bit too relax and outgoing for what is happening right now. In my opinion, the marketing pitch should likely be placed somewhere near population control in case of civilian unrest and national defense. Nucorp isn't exactly a weapons dealer, but they excel at "selling weird and very specific machines". I'd probably shift to a more informative tone, perhaps with actual examples of sorts, instead of painting Nucorp as crazemongers.
I also think it would be nice if we saw examples of the anomaly in action. Maybe it was activated during the ship raid, or maybe there's reports of nk expats of some instances that were personally brought over for the sales pitch being used in the population. It's a scary anomaly, and you should play into that
Unfortunately, this one doesn't quite do it for me. You mention that this comes from a different universe, but it doesn't factor into the article all that much. I'm also confused as to what the point of this device would be. It seems incredibly impractical as a weapon and much more costly to use than say, a nuclear or chemical device. There probably is a good idea in here, I'm just not seeing it.
I also felt the NuCorp salesman at the end was a little to zane-y for comfort. I understand you're trying to sell him as an eccentric individual, but there are ways to do that without compromising his professional nature.
RPC-XXX is to be kept within a 3x3x3m³ reinforced concrete containment chamber at Site-XX. The chamber is to be equipped with standard-issue security cameras connected to the facility's main security hub. Access to the room is authorized only for personnel with level 3 clearance or above. RPC-XXX's remote control is to be kept within a standard secure steel safe, only accessible to level 4 clearance or above, situated in the office of the head researcher assigned to RPC-XXX.
Firstly, I feel like at least parts of this should be written in present tense. For instance, you might consider changing the first sentence to something like this:
RPC-XXX is kept within a (dimensions) concrete containment chamber (Perhaps a specific type of chamber?) in Site-XX's (Area? Wing? Floor?).
Access to the room is authorized only for personnel with level 3 clearance or above.
Consider:
Only personnel with a clearance of XXX/3 or higher can enter the premises of RPC-XXX's containment chamber.
Also, is the containment chamber guarded by anyone or anything? CCTV footage? Guards? Are they armed? You don't have to specify these details, but it helps quite a lot.
, if applicable.
Consider: Remove this section. If they are caught tampering with an anomaly, they are almost certainly going to be punished.
In case of an unauthorized individual acquiring the remote or upon gaining access to RPC-XXX's containment chamber, a site-wide evacuation protocol of all essential personnel and staff members will be activated, as well as a 2.5km radius blockade centering on RPC-XXX until RPC-XXX and/or its controller are confirmed to have been re-contained. In a situation of an imminent RPC-XXX activation or removal by a hostile third-party without warning, the current active Site Administrator at the time is allowed to activate a shaped explosive charge placed within RPC-XXX's metal casing to prevent catastrophic loss of personnel and equipment. An internal review and investigation of the incident will be mandated to assess if the destruction of RPC-XXX was deemed necessary.
Consider:
In the event of unauthorized personnel gaining remote or physical access to RPC-XXX, Site-XX is to undergo evacuation protocols. A blockade of the 2.5km area surrounding Site-XX will be enforced until the threat has been eliminated. In the event where evacuation is impossible or RPC-XXX is considered permanently lost, a shaped charge in the containment charge will be remotely detonated to deny access of the anomaly. A mandatory investigation will ensue and a cover story will be issued to the public.
RPC-XXX is a 1m diameter stainless metallic-like sphere resting on 4 struts made of a similar material, attached to a 1.3x1.3x2m metallic box weighing ~7,960 Kg. The box contains many markings and switches, as well as screwed-in panels which can be removed for maintenance of internal components. Of those markings, the logo of Nucorp next to a North Korean flag can be found on the outer casing, as well as the possible abbreviated name for RPC-XXX: "NEWS-III 6/26". Analysis and study of RPC-XXX's material have demonstrated the sphere to be anomalously resilient to damage and wear, feeding speculation that the material composing the sphere and struts did not originate from this reality.
Consider:
(RPC XXX is…) A mechanical device consisting of a spherical core held on top of a metallic box by 4x struts. The device measure (insert measurements here) and is adorned with the emblems of NuCorp and the Democratic People's Party of Korea, as well as the words "NEWS-III 6/26"(Footnote 1). The device possesses an interface consisting of numerous switches and buttons (perhaps a specific number of switches/buttons?). Material analysis of RPC-XXX reveals it to be metallic in nature and highly resistant to damage and wear(Footnote 2).
Then, I'd put the following footnotes in where I placed them in the paragraph above:
1: This is hypothesized to be RPC-XXX's original designation.
2: This has lead to speculation that RPC-XXX may originate from outside local reality.
RPC-XXX's controller is a small rectangular handheld wireless plastic device which allows the user to safely activate RPC-XXX outside of its effective range1.
Consider:
Despite its built-in interface, RPC-XXX is primarily operated through a remote control device that allows its users to safely activate the device outside of its effective range(footnote).
As of this time, there are no known methods to prevent, minimize or nullify this field.
Not even through the remote? Also, the second footnote on the article seems to imply that this field can be deactivated:
In one experiment, a gray wolf purposefully starved was observed lazily resting next to a milk cow. Once RPC-XXX was deactivated, the wolf immediately attacked the cow.
This setting kills small animals and birds in most cases.
Suggestion: I would give a cutoff point for what constitutes a "small animal" instead of just saying small animal.
Extended exposure does not lead to any physical injuries or disability, but many found the event to be traumatic.
I find this kind of hard to believe, given that it kills smaller animals.
Deep purple:
Suggestion: Please change the color so it's easier for a reader to make out the text.
RPC-XXX's internal components, comprised of wires, cables, fans, motherboards, chips and in the center a large smooth metallic cube of similar composition to obsidian, do not appear to follow any logical link between each other and how RPC-XXX activates. While not in active use, any attempts to remove any of RPC-XXX's internal components will trigger what's believed to be a defensive countermeasure, causing RPC-XXX to discharge a large electrical cloud around itself, registered at 5400V that lasts approx. 30 seconds before dissipating. Further inquiries into RPC-XXX's internal workings have been put on definitive hold.
IMO, this paragraph could be significantly reduced and should probably be earlier in the document. I would word it like so:
RPC-XXX's inner workings consist of various electronics and support systems such as coolant fans that seemingly lack logical connections to one another. When powered but not in active use, RPC-XXX will discharge an electrical discharge (lightning cloud?) of 54 kV towards anyone attempting to dissect it. The discharge lasts 30 seconds before depowering.
Updated some text, added proper classification icons and completely reworked the transcript. Thank you for the feedback
Used Almarduk's interview template
General thoughts.
Article is pretty meh. Grammar and spelling was fine for the most part. Felt overtly explanatory without much that was interesting or substantive to it. Think this could've been suplimented with some more proper jargon and explanation for how it worked.
The usage of the first rumor is non existent since the device doesn't actually use fission for its effects.
Using North Korea as the country was fine as a concept and an okay execution but I dont feel as if the article does enough with the concept. Nucorp is jumping out to a politically isolated and militaristic country by giving it a weapon in exchange for using the entire country as testing grounds. This is a pretty interesting concept but all it boils down to is that the authority seizes it and everything goes back to normal. Realistically it should have much bigger consequences for every party involved and it feels very cheap how the authority was able to both instantly spy on their conversations in addition to just seizes the device. Considering that Nucorp does have interdimensional technology, it seems weird that they could not just teleport it to them instead of using a cargo ship.
LBL or whatever
An internal review and investigation of the incident will be mandated to assess if the destruction of RPC-XXX was deemed necessary.
This sentence is kinda redundant as the site staff would most likely create a report regarding any RPC termination.
The box contains many markings and switches, as well as screwed-in panels which can be removed for maintenance of internal components
[how I would write it] This box contains many marking and switches along with removable panels which allow for internal maintenance.
Material analysis suggests RPC-XXX to have been alloyed with elements not found in our reality, being anomalously resilient to all forms of damage and chemically non-reactive.
(How does the authority know this? Maybe make mention of it having a different ACS signature to imply the interdimentional nature of it, otherwise there's nothing that makes it any different from just being anomalous.)
RPC-XXX's internal components, comprised of wires, cables, fans, motherboards, chips and, in the center, a large smooth crystalline cube of similar composition to obsidian, do not appear to follow any logical link between each other and how RPC-XXX activates.
[How me write] RPC-XXX's internal components are similar to that of most industrial controllers and computing devices, featuring wiring, fans, motherboards, and microchips. At the center of RPC-XXX's internals is a large smooth crystalline cube made out of a compound similar to obsidian, and which does not seem to connect with any of the other internal components.
-known Room 28 POIs-
(Room 28? I don't know what you mean.)
