Fucking Hazard Poker - Pacific Wrath
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/pacific-wrath
Cards dealt: 6 Spades (Teleportation), King Diamonds (Radiation), 10 Hearts (Mind Control), 4 Diamonds (Aquatic)
Fucking Hazard Poker - Pacific Wrath
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» Fucking Hazard Poker - Pacific Wrath
Summary:
Irradiated Humpback whale was experimented on to become a portal to recruit cetaceans, ends up becoming an ALTR transporting bomb.
Those found not wearing them…
If any personnel are caught…
Something about these phrases feel un-clinical to me.
RPC-694 is a 10.6m cadaver of a male Megaptera novaeangliae in its second stage of decomposition, estimated to be 12 years old at the time of death.
I think you can change around some of the words here. Try:
RPC-694 is the cadaver of a male Megaptera novaeangliae, estimated to be 12 years old at the time of death. It is in the second stage of decomposition…
RPC-694 beaches in populated areas on the Pacific ocean coastline. It will produce a ~<130db wail shortly upon manifestation, anomalously luring people to its location. This effect has been documented to reach up to a radius of 1.8km. If less than 10 people are in its proximity within 4 hours, it will redo its call.
This whole paragraph could use some work. Try:
RPC-694 usually manifests near large gatherings of humans. Upon manifestation, it produces a wail capable of reaching over 130 db in amplitude. Any individual who hears RPC-694's call will begin to approach its location. If less than 10 individuals are within [amount] m of RPC-694 after 4 hours, it will produce the wail again.
Gatherings then take place to auscultate the entity.
Try:
Affected individuals will gather around RPC-694 and auscultate it.
Affected individuals express the source sound as dampened and euphonic from within RPC-694, prompting discussion on how to further enhance it, conclusively on who is most suited to enter RPC-694.
Weird sentence. I think you could word it better.
They will then engage in discussion on how to further enhance the sounds within RPC-694, invariably agreeing that one of them must enter RPC-694 through its mouth.
After a subject enters the entity,
After 2-3 minutes pass,
I think the first "After" here could be changed to:
Once a subject has entered RPC-694,
I think it would help the paragraph flow better.
Also delete "pass" in the second "After".
RPC-694 proceeds to swell up…
Confirmed cities where RPC-694 manifested before containment include:
(The italics will hereafter mean to include a word)
During a recreational expedition…
Multiple images and videos were shared on social media of the anomaly, with one live recording showing the founders picking up a happy acquaintance with a microphone attached to be inserted into its maw.
Try:
Multiple images and videos of the event were posted on social media, with one live stream showing a man enthusiastically agreeing to enter RPC-694's mouth.
…a town in Los Osos was afflicted with affected by RPC-694.
At Senior Researcher Jeremy Freeman's recommendation, and due to ignorance of the anomaly's volatile and unpredictable nature, a first contact test was conducted with one CSD personnel.
Doesn't flow well. Try:
At the recommendation of Senior Researcher Jeremy Freeman, a first contact test was conducted with one CSD personnel.
Capitalize the first letter of Footnote 3.
Subject was outfitted with— one (1)—:
You don't need to state which ear he put the earpiece and earplug in.
CSD-34791: RAAAGH!
I think you can just put:
(CSD-34791 screams)
Fast-approaching towards Bagnell Ferry shores was RPC-694. Protectorate team were quick to disperse civilians from the anomaly but were not able to reach it before a person was inserted into RPC-694.
Un-clinical tone.
The characters in Addendum-694-03 read like they have the same voice.
"Do not let them desecrate my body, or I will have your hides."
"I will have your hides" is a weird thing to say. Maybe change that to simply "You will regret it."
We named him after a martyr of the kin who defected and rescued some of us from their grasp.
This is a weird sentence. Maybe say "We named him after a man who defected from the others to save us. Alas, he is no longer with us."
Overall, this article's a pretty interesting and fun read. I've been on a whale kick since I read up on Cetace's Kin for an article and I'm really happy to see this GoI being revitalized with more whale-themed RPCs. I'd recommend improving your wording and grammar, as well as the dialogue, especially in the last addendum. Pretty good job so far!
The whale is branded under its left fin with what appears to be an identification number (1170883) and unknown scripture.
A scripture is a sacred writing. From what I understand from the sentence the thing is branded with writing in an unknown language, so the correct word is script. Unless its actually a sacred writing, but then I would question how the Authority knows that.
I should note that your image caption does not make sense with the article's description.
RPC-694 initial manifestation inside the Amazon rainforest
The Amazon Rainforest doesn't have access to the Pacific Ocean. So this caption doesn't make a lot of sense. I would suggest changing it from the Amazon to either Vietnam or one of the islands in South East Asia. There's plenty of jungles to choose from.
Same with Marajo Island, also in the Atlantic, not the Pacific.
The following two suggestions I'm making under the assumption that RPC 207-8 isn't supposed to make grammatical errors. If these are intentional, then ignore these next two.
RPC-207-8: I don't know what that means, but they kept entering him only to exit from there. Sometimes, though, I saw them enter back into the room and come back out exclaiming expletives, like they expected to come out of his mouth. As they did all this, I was perplexed by this beautiful melody that I almost overlooked them toying with a body.
RPC-207-8: I had to let my brethren know about this, even if it meant some of us would die in fear. In the middle of our discussion, we saw Watson rise for the first time and wail the hardest we've ever heard. It fell us down on us and shattered the glass; The whole pod reverberated in its yell.
Dr. Takahashi: Thank you for this. This has been invaluable and insightful. That said, I bid you farewell my friend.
I quite like the article. The addendums do a good job of showing the horror of radiation poisoning, especially at the end. I would add that addendum 01 went a bit too long in the beginning. I understand you are trying to establish the character of the passersby, but it goes on for too long and sags it down in my opinion.
Other than that I have few complaints about the article. I like the theme of the horrors of radiation, it's long enough without going too long, and the anomaly is interesting.
My only suggestion if you wanted to really lean into the whole radiation thing is to have it slowly tick up the radiation it exudes, so that the people trying to listen to it slowly get more and more sick, with everything that entails.
That said, the way the anomaly works now is just fine.
Overall, really solid article.
Good work
RPC-694 is a 10.6m-long cadaver
RPC-694 beaches in anomalously manifests itself on shores in human populated areas on the Pacific ocean coastline. Shortly after manifestaion manifestation, it will produce a ~<130db wail for 6-21 seconds. This has the memetic property to lure people to its immediate location.
i don't see how this is memetic? personally if i was minding my own business and suddenly heard a whale call as loud as a jet engine i'd want to go check out where it's coming from.
and like icfd said, it says it manifests around pacific ocean coastlines but the image caption contradicts it
Affected individuals will gather around RPC-694 and auscultate it. They would later express the source sound as dampened yet euphonic from within RPC-694, prompting discussion on how to further enhance it, and conclusively who is most suited to enter RPC-694.
worded a little weirdly, and i think you could afford to add more clarification to this part. are you talking about a new sound it's making? how can people "later" express what the sound is like if they get killed?
After 2-3 minutes, RPC-694 proceeds to swell till until it violently bursts, instantly killing terminating everyone within a 2 meter range.
this may be more of a personal taste thing but in clinical descriptions like this it reads a little strangely for it to say someone is KILLED or they DIED
The video ends with the anomaly bloating till until it bursts
On 03/07/2014 at 11:40
Subject was outfitted with one (1):
odd to suddenly start doing the word + integer thing here
CSD-34791 proceeds on with doing so
Its It's been so long since we set ourselves out to shore
Why wouldn't I? And it's funny hearing you swear once a month. After all, I did help you overcome this.
this scene with the passerby does have some expository dialogue, and that last sentence just feels unnatural
(Gulp) 40 Milli Sv per hour.
the cartoony gulp is a bit much lol
Stand-by <— remove hyphen and watch out for any odd behavior.
Damn waste of time. Jeremy, transcript transcribe the report and email it to me.
I was quick to judge, we may get something out of this afterall after all.
Screw it, I'm swimming this one direction this cloud's moving; I'm not about to lay down and drown.
frowned when i read this dialogue
CSD-34791: RAAAGH!
please don't write like this,,,,,, say (Yells triumphantly) or something
CSD-34791 starts ascending back up
This can't be happening. This can't be happening. This can not be fucking happening!
i giggled when i read this, and i'm guessing that's probably not the feeling you're trying to evoke
Shortly after leaving his post, Commander Dan N. Coleman was apprehended and screened for RPC-694 affliction, who was then quarantined for 3 days till until the effect eventually wore off. Video analysis by Senior Researcher Vernon Mort postulates the blue flash was caused by Cherenkov radiation, and that footage shown on 05/07/14 at 02:12 is not that of sea sand, but of bone. how could one be able to tell?
On 30/07/2014 at 10:36
The source of which was RPC-694, shortly beaching onto Bagnell Ferry's shores after manifesting on a Bagnell Ferry shore. The assigned protectorate team was quick to disperse civilians away from the anomaly
On 12/02/2015 at Site-095, reaserchers researchers were discussing the feasibility of transferring RPC-694 to this site, and the worrying prospect of it luring ships towards the transpoting ship transporting vessel.
As this unfolded, an instance of RPC-207 eavesdropping this exhange exchange from its nearby containment tank expressed a need to inform the Authority about the anomaly.
It's only after a week in there did he talk to us, scarcely.
They hung him in this room with anchor hooks and had its his maw wide open.
a problem i have with this article is that a good amount of the dialogue is needlessly expository. like i mentioned before, the couple at the start of the exploration log talk strangely, and additionally while i get what you were going for with the guy's personality there are a number of moments where the CSD just talks too much, his language gets a tad flowery and he and sounds like an anime hero. i know this is advice probably everyone has gotten at one point, but try reading lines out loud to see if they sound natural. HOWEVER i will say the flowery language does work very well for the RPC-207 instance's character, it's like a pirate recounting a tale from his past
i do think the exploration log, while having some good imagery, was the weakest part of this article. the CSD's dialogue, unlike the 207 instance, was not very fun to read and the whole structure felt quite generic.
i gotta commend this article for using a couple words i hadn't heard of before, like auscultate and scudding. thank u for adding to my vocabulary <3
this definitely comes naturally from you being an artist, but the imagery in this article is really strong and i am a sucker for strong imagery. the idea of a bunch of people cheering as they shove someone into the mouth of a dead whale, a guy throwing up underwater and the vomit following the ocean's current, all the stuff described in the final interview, it's great.
speaking of, the strongest part of this piece in my eyes is the RPC-207 interview. i'm not usually one for anomaly crosslinks but it works well here, though i think it'd be good for you to at least add a footnote giving a short rundown of what 207 is, i can imagine someone reading this for the first time and having no clue what's going on. ANYWAY yeah the interview is really good, i like the descriptions of the cult's activities, and i adore this characterisation of them as these strange people who seemingly want to help and really do think what they're doing is right but the very things they worship think they're insane. (i'll say this article does a much better job of characterising 207 than the original article)
i'd say all in all you've done a good job with this, and it's more memorable than most cetace's kin articles i've read. i probably didn't catch everything so i suggest maybe getting one or two more people to look at this before posting.
blabbo
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