I wrote this one based on yet another dream I had. In this one, I witnessed a fleet of caravels crossing the Atlantic Ocean. Suddenly, a bunch of giant, fleshy hooks emerged from the ocean to pull them all underwater.
I was inspired to write the story proper after reading about the abysmal environmental policies of the Trump administration, and their quest to drive the whales of the Gulf of Mexico to extinction.
Don't mind the images they're placeholders.
The containment procedures are solid but is missing a key detail of the anomaly. Nowhere in the conproc are the false distress messages of the anomaly mentioned beyond the "…intercept any communications originating from within the area." line. False messages would probably warrant more strict conproc on that aspect of the anomaly especially for would be rescue operations.
The physical description of the anomaly in the "RPC-XXX's hooks are pink…" paragraph are in need of polish. I do not feel much of the terror of the sea the anomaly should conjure from all things considered. I feel there is too much description and not enough telling like what is seen in the "RPC-XXX tends to target larger vessels when there are multiple ships in its effective area." paragraph.
The discovery and the Tethys discovery log are great addition to the article. The discovery of the anomaly from a folk tale along with it foreshadowing the Cetace's Kin involvement is a strong aspect of the article. However the interview still needs work. A more professional tone is needed from the Authority vessel, listen or read actual full length coast guard mayday/pan-pan calls for inspiration if you need it. I also like the implementation of the anomaly trying to draw more ships towards itself. However the explanation of the clandestine vessel's nature needs to be made more concise and to the point on both the authority and the vessels/RPCs side. The Tethys log is great all around, but the final description of the innards of the anomaly could use more detail. And finally, maybe change the "What is the Authority?" line as it sort of took me out of the scene.
The conclusion does its job at finally drawing it all together, the letter is a bit abrupt/shoehorned in the sense that they just found a letter by chance during a raid. However the letter itself is great and doesn't need to be touched.
Overall fair concept with fair execution, good sea monster, nothing too prophetic, a fair inclusion of a very situational GoI, and its not too politically harping but it may eventually become dated.
SPAGG and specifics:
Tuscany: Mayday! Mayday! This is the the SS Tuscany! We are sinking! We need a rescue immediately!
Improper prefix? SS stands for steam ship and is used rarely to designate modern vessels, Research Vessel (RV) would be a better prefix. Other usage of the prefix throughout the article could be reasoned as more plausible.
At this point, the distress signal is tracked to the exact coordinates the Tuscany gave, at the bottom of the Mexico basin. The Charybdis signals a possible anomaly to the Authority.
Sentence is a little hard to follow in its context.
Tuscany: We were looking for whale oil, but there aren't any whales around. Haven't There hasn't been for a long time.
The exact number of hooks RPC-XXX possesses is unknown, though it has been observed to extend over 100 hooks at the same time.
The exact number of hooks RPC-XXX possesses is unknown, with some reports claiming it extended around 100 hooks at the same time.
Only two survivors were reported, and both corroborated the "Hell Hook" legend.
Break paragraph after this sentence.
Charybdis: You are not convincing. I know the Tuscany is lost and everyone onboard is dead. Now, I've got a few questions to ask you.
RPC-XXX: I relent. Clearly, the prey learns.
This is poorly paced and not very realistically written. You should extend this dialogue further.
The caller shouldn't immediately assume it's an anomaly, but a survivor. Occam's razor and all that, him immediately saying "I have a few questions to ask you" is just really off.
My name cannot be pronounced in your limited tongue.
Just make him say it in his tongue.
The ANV Tethys was fitted with an unmanned control system and several pieces of recording and detection equipment in preparation to be sent into RPC-XXX's effective area
Break paragraph after this sentence.
Images should be a lot bluer, because few visible light reaches underwater. You could get away with making blurry it completely black and white considering how deep it is.
Thoughts The dialogue and interview could heavily be improved upon, and ought to be one of the longest part of the article. You should talk about it more with other guys on discord.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
Implemented the crit. Completely reworked the dialogue.
I’d advise against bolding and underlining the text in the box at the top, it looks a bit weird since that’s not part of the usual formatting
Authority naval vessels equipped with communication jammers are to patrol the perimeter of RPC-XXX's effective area and intercept any communications originating from within the area
You use “communication” and “area” twice in the same sentence. I’m not sure you can’t just end after “effective area” but you could also say “Authority naval vessels equipped with communication jammers are to patrol the perimeter of RPC-XXX's effective area and intercept any broadcasts originating from within.”
and escorted to their destinations.
That seems a bit much; it would probably be more practical to escort them a certain distance away and monitor them after they leave rather than sending a ship the whole way.
operate specialized electric ROUVs
In the footnote, each word should probably be capitalized to emphasize the acronym
rescue of any survivors in the event of an attack.
Delete “of”
established to blame the attack on non-anomalous conditions.
I would suggest “incidents” (plural) rather than “the attack” (singular)
is hypothesized to be between 50 and 200 km wide.
I would suggest “believe” not “hypothesized”
RPC-XXX is shown to attempt to keep its targets mostly intact when pulling them beneath the seafloor
RPC-XXX will attempt to keep…
RPC-XXX also appears to display some level of sapience, as it has displayed the ability to communicate in English and Spanish while exhibiting its luring behavior.
If it has the ability to communicate, saying it “displays some level of sapience” sounds like underplaying things. Also, you used “display” twice in the same sentence.
at which ships got lost at sea in the Gulf of Mexico
At which ships were lost at sea
Only two survivors were reported, and both corroborated the "Hell Hook" legend.
“Only two survivors” of what? It would probably be better to say something like:
“The Express also reported two accounts from witnesses that survived shipwrecks that corroborated the legend.”
Just a note: Ship names are considered proper nouns. It would not be “the SS Llewellyn” it would just be “SS Llewellyn”
[ADD ADDENDUM HERE OF INTERVIEW WITH A SURVIVOR. HE COULD BE A COAST GUARD GUY SAYING HE WAS RESPONDING TO A DISTRESS CALL, FOUND THE SHIP IN A WEIRD CONDITION, AND THEN OVER 100 HOOKS EXTENDED TO DRAG DOWN HIS SHIP AND A BUNCH OF OTHERS.]
Will there be more or is this left over?
Overall, I felt like the Tuscany/Charibdys log was weak, it felt kind of unnatural. I realize the Tuscany responses were probably meant to seem like a bad imitation of humans, but The Charibdys responses felt kind of artificial too. (It’s not THAT bad, I don't want to overstate it, just kind of stiff. I know you reworked it). I’d wonder if there’s any way to find transcripts of coast guard type logs? I have no idea, just a suggestion if you think you’d be willing to try,
The incident log feels like it doesn’t add much. It should be the climax of everything, but there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. It’s just “oh, and now things are getting worse” which is just an obvious way to end things. And the letter right afterward undercuts things, since that ends up being the note the reader ends on.
The letter itself isn’t bad, working in an underused and kind of niche GOI in a way that makes sense is a good idea. I don’t have much to add.
Overall, promising, but still needs work. The core idea is a great and memorable image (drawing from your own dreams is usually a recipe for success in my book) but the whole “hijacks radio waves” or whatever it’s doing feels like an odd and underexplored addition since it makes no real sense how RPC-XXX is doing it and arguably detracts from the core, surreal image, if that makes sense. So definitely room for improvement but you’re on the right track.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
