Looking for crit to a draft I recently wrote. The idea was forming in my mind for a month before I started writing. Any narrative and grammar advices are welcolmed.
Life is painful, but it looks less painful when you live.
I forgot to add the link to the article, lol
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/rpc-xxx:darwin-s-bastards
Life is painful, but it looks less painful when you live.
You did a great job implementing all of the fancy Hazard labels and image functionality. I'm always happy to people putting a little more of care in their articles.
I would prefer they be arranged in alphabetical order, or failing that, at least list the hazards in the same order for the 'Hazard Types' section as they are in the photo file.
Without reading anything else, the fact that all the hazard above the photo are in alphabetical order except for Mind-Control hazard at the end, gives the impression that the mind control aspect was not found out until recently and quick attached. If that is the case, it makes for a nice subtle piece of visual story telling. It would still need to be consistent across both hazard lists though.
*Containment Protocols*
"RPC-XXX is currently located in" the use of the word 'currently' is superfluous unless you mean to imply that the location might change soon, or that it might change suddenly if dictated by protocol. If that is the case, I'm sure I'll read something about it in the article. If not just drop the 'currently'.
"RPC-XXX's containment cell must be decorated with" there is a subtle shift in attitude within the text here. where before the reader as hearing a statement of fact, now they are reading through instructions. That's not really a problem but the instruction, if that's what they are, should be more detailed. more specific, more in-depth. You are describing something that is someone's responsibility. Who's responsibility is it? is it the researchers? The security team? Is this something that the first shift needs to get done before second shift comes to relive them, or is it assigned to a specific committee in charge of child development?
The same goes for "Researchers having conversations". Why once every day? No more than once or at least once? How long are they allowed to speak freely? Is there a minimum amount of time they need to spend? Is this a part of whatever research they are doing or maybe you want to make a note that this is for the creatures enrichment.
Containment protocols do two things. The first is that it builds suspense in the story. It uses mystery and subtext to implant the reader with questions and assumptions for what comes later. The Containment Protocols is the wind up and the Description is the Punchline.
The second purpose that the Containment protocols serve is they are the chance for you as the author to convey towards the reader, The RPC Authority's attitude towards this particular, very special OC of yours. And you do this both with your narrative, but more importantly your word choice. Imagine that you wanted to convey to the reader just how seriously the Authority takes the threat of this object. Instead of just saying how deep the bunker that it is berried in, yo u could say "Personnel assigned to this bunker must report ANY and ALL abrupt changes in mood / movement in the corner of their eye / cravings for seafood…" If you want to highlight the Authorities cold indifference to this poor creature and their contempt for it's existence, you could say things like "IT'S / THE CREATURES / RPC-XXX"S housing unit should be cleaned via water hose at least once per weak, by on sight security personnel." On the other hand, if you want to show how this anomaly is well trusted, or that the personnel who interact with it feel caring towards it, you can say "HE is allowed to make request for materials / changes to weakly menu items." or "In order to improve RPC-XXX's enrichment, HIS Access to media may be extended during weekdays." It's not just about the actual activities or protocols described, it's also about how the RPC is referred to in the text, and the more strict the protocols (Words like SHALL or MUST as apposed to words like MAY or SHOULD) the more seriously we know we should take this anomaly and the threat that it represents. but if the specifics are glossed over or unclear or inconsistent, it just comes across as lazy.
Here's an example in your draft. You say "RPC-XXX's containment cell must be decorated with…" The word 'MUST' give a weight to these instructions. It implies bad things if the decorations are not present. And that's perfectly fine. I as a reader am now thinking to myself "OH there is a juxtaposition between how urgent and serious the threat is, and the fact that the threat is quelled with baby decorations. That could be entertaining…" but then in the immediate next sentence the tone shifts again. the instructions are not specific. they are unclear, which implies that how the anomaly is handled is not really a big deal. you need to decide what your tone is and write each sentence of the description in a way that reinforces that tone.
"and appropriate child decoration" you misspelled "appropriate"
"alongside giving him classes in the subjects allowed by both the research team leader and the RnD divission of the site." If I were you I would break this up into two sentences, maybe three for clarity. "RPC's daily educational instruction will be conducted between TIME and TIME on THESE days. Instruction will be conducted by SIGHT PERONNEL. The Subject schedule and any changes to curriculum must be approved by both the research team leader and the RnD division of the site." or, Like I said you can use softer language "A curriculum has been approved by the research team leader and the RnD division of the site. RPC is allowed classes from TIME to TIME on THESE days, lead by SIGHT PERONNEL."
"the RnD division of the site." if you are going for a casual tone say "Site RnD." If you are going for serious, professional or clinical, list the site number. "Site-15 RnD Division." It's small but I goes a long way towards quality.
"These foods must follow the recommendations by medics and have a healthy nutritional value." is a bit clunky. you need something better like. I like to lean in to world building by just writing instructions that reference other fictitious guidelines. There is no real explanation for what is properly nutritious for this creature, so unless you say "RPC can have regular cafeteria lunch." you can just say "Please see nutrition guidelines 46-b."
you see how the language flips from 'His" to "It's" that's the kind of thing I'm talking about.
I don't know how strong Class-B amnestics are, but what is the point of classes if you are just going to wipe his memory every month?
"every end of each month." replace the word "every" with something else "on / upon / at" any of these work.
"evaluations are scheduled to happen…" ok… do they happen? if so, say the are "conducted every week" put what is important on the page.
"Special researches" -> "Special research" Also you are definitely missing a large part of this last sentence. "must be before submitted…" Must be What?
Another thing you need to do is reformat. Your Containment Protocols are a single paragraph, where in you switch between the subject and the A-instance and then back again. something that I didn't even notice until now. its confusing and messy. Find a way to format the protocols so that the two are at least in separate paragraphs, and don't jump between the two. Explain the Protocols for PRC-XXX completely, then move on to RPC-XXX-A. Or the other way around. Start with which ever is more urgent or important, in universe.
*Description*
Very good, Punchy first paragraph. You integrated the footnote perfectly, and the order of the RPC-XXX's is a great detail which hit at the story. You wouldn't usual have the hive mind as the primary RPC, so it being -A implies that the Roaches where originally found and then after the Authority had established some understanding of the anomaly, they had to expand on their files. Either because they later found the corpse tucked away somewhere or the doctor became a corpse after. And it's even more fun that I now have a question to find out the answer to.
I don't know yet if I like the use of the word "Currently" again there is a growing possibility that the situation of the RPC has changed in the past, and might very well change again, but I don't know if it will come across strongly enough in the rest of the article to sound right. I guess Ill see…
"RPC-XXX-A primary anomalous property" -> "PRC-XXX's" Honestly this whole sentence is a bit wordy. How about "RPC-XXX-A demonstrates a level of adaptability that is anomalous / supernatural / Incongruent with the laws of nature." and then you can list your examples.
"previous experiments Dr. Portillo conducted." -> "experiments previously conducted by Dr. Portillo." this paragraph needs a little reformatting. I don't know if its a language barrier thing or what, but some words are out of order and there is a lack of scientific focus is the wording that looses the tone. Same for the paragraph after that. and now I'm sure its a language barrier
Form this point forward I think you just need an editor, so that the English is proper, but I also think that the tone is suffering because so many things are list in a vague way. Dates and times are not as exact as they should be, explanations are given without the proper tone. It all reads to casual like its not a report as much as a gernle entry.
thank you a lot, you are really helping. I can speak and write english, but the problem was that I haven't wrote an RPC style document (clinical tone) in a long time. I also wrote the article in a hurry and it didn't help that I knew what I wanted to say, but didn't knew how. Your recommendations really helped a lot for me to found the appropiate tone.
I Re-write the containment protocols, and some of the description, to try to make it more organic.
Life is painful, but it looks less painful when you live.
First thing I noticed is that this section is visually cluttered. Maybe split it into 2 paragraphs to help the reader keep track to where they are.
"Site-15's Light containment area." Either this is unnecessary capitalisation, or this is a prominent location and you need to capitalise the other 2 words.
"to avoid suspicion of containment by RPC-XXX." Suspicion of Containment feels…off. Maybe it's the word suspicion, see if there's a better word or maybe change up the sentence a bit.
"access to content is to be restricted to the one allowed by lead researcher, Dr. Cohen" What do you mean by "the one"? Do you mean media sources like TV or books? If so, make it more clear. Also i feel adding "Dr" to the lead researcher isn't needed, he could just be named "Lead Researcher Cohen"
"To avoid stun in the development of RPC-XXX" by stun, do you mean stunted? A bit of a reword would look like: "To avoid stunted development in RPC-XXX" or "The stunted development of RPC-X"
"is restricted to once two weeks." you mean "Once every 2 weeks"? You could also say "once every fortnight"
"As RPC-XXX can consume everything" Does this mean it can eat inedible material? Or that it can eat regular human meals? Specifying that here would be helpful.
"If it's the case, amnestics class-b must be given to RPC-XXX." First phrase sounds informal, maybe reword it like "If an abnormality is detected…" Also how are the Amnestics to be administered? Guys in biohazard suits hosing it down? Through vents? Bug bomb?
"Any research or experiment is currently denied." Maybe use "experimentation" here instead of just "experiment". Also maybe add "with the RPC" after that.
Solid Containment Protocols, all the critique i can give is technical, nothing narrative changing needs to occur.
"RPC-XXX-B is the sentient corpse of late Dr. Robert Portillo," "of THE late Dr." add "THE"
Also, sentient corpse…sounds weird putting those 2 together. maybe skip mentioning sentience till later on? leave it as just a corpse, unless you mean to say its reanimated…
"When exposed to these enviroments" you probably meant "Environments"
"approximately 15% of the specimens only survived," Having the word "only" here feels wrong. Either replace "approximately" with it, or remove the word.
"to these conditions has evolved thanks to experiments previously conducted by Dr. Portillo." Feels a bit too informal. Maybe try something like: "to these conditions has evolved due to prior experimentation conducted by Dr. Portillo."
"then they were left to reproduce and form a new generation," This sounds informal, specifically "then they were". I'd recommend cutting this part out and sticking it onto the next part like "The newly reproduced instances showed a…"
"In the latest stages of the research" Maybe remove "the" in front of "research"
"certain number of RPC-XXX-A's instances started to compose messages" Using "certain number" sounds off, "A number" may just be enough here.
"probably learned from the facial expressions and messages used by the research team." using "probably" and so many "the" sounds informal. To up clinical tone, maybe try something like "this behaviour was most likely picked up from facial expressions and written messages used by researchers interacting with RPC-X" What i wrote isn't perfect, but its a good start to get your mind in the right space.
"evolution became so finesse that it was developing self-conscious" Whatever you were trying to say here, "Finesse" is NOT the word to use here.
I see that the beginning line for X-B is copy pasted from the first line of the description, same criticism applies here.
"Dr. Portillo supposedly perished on 06/01/2007 at 4:00 pm" "but one day later, during the autopsy of the body, most of the instances of RPC-XXX-A were found throughout the vital organs of the corpse." I feel like this would all be relevant information to put in the discovery section.
"Returned to the research laboratory of RPC-XXX-A in site-15" Needs to be more added here to help with clinical tone: "Both the body and X-A instances were placed in a new containment cell in research laboratory X in Site 15 for observation and re-designation"
"RPC-XXX-B stayed in for approximately one month before was designed" This needs more clinical tone: "RPC-X-B was contained for a further month before it was designated as…"
"During this time, RPC-XXX-B completely healed from its injuries, and one week later after the incident, It could form small syllables." the "one week" bit feels off and I feel there's too many commas being used redundantly. Maybe try something like: During this time, RPC-X-B completely healed from its injuries and began formulating speech. A week after the incident X-B was able to speak short syllables"
"One week before containment", might be good to add in "before current containment protocols"
"RPC-XXX-B still has the basic needs any human needs to survive." Do you mean it requires the basic needs to survive? Or do you mean it has the basic or instinctual needs of self preservation?
"All of the vital functions have been retaken by RPC-XXX-A" Retaken doesn't feel like the right word, but i can't think of a good suggestion for replacement.
"Most of this functions are active thanks to the fact that RPC-XXX-A instances have replaced the nervious system in its entirety." Do you mean "Most of these functions" also "thanks to the fact" feels too informal, try replacing with "due to X-A Instances…" also "nervious" is a typo.
"as a research or experiment hasn't been approved in the last 14 years" To fix it up a bit: "As Research or Experiments has been prohibited
"The exception to this rule is the nervious system" Try not to use phrases like "exception to the rule" or other sayings unless it's a direct quote. Also "Nervious" typo again.
"an avanced x-ray scan was approved to be performed in RPC-XXX-B's brain." First off, "ADVANCED X-ray" secondly, if they were testing for brain function/abnormalities they wouldn't do an X-ray. They would most likely do an MRI. it'd be good if you read up on that so you could get an understanding of how those work/what they do and if they would affect the X-A instances in any way.
"work on the brain" This is a bit informal, but also using the word "work" implies that the X-A instances are doing something to the brain. I know you mention them acting as neurons in the next sentence, but the use of that word implies more, maybe remove it if you don't intend for that interpretation.
"The research team was able to extract some ot these" some OF these.
"Interactions between themselves showed they communicate" To fix the clinical tone, try this "Interactions between these X-A instances showed a complex communication…"
"Through the years, RPC-XXX developed its own personality, being curious, but calm" Lot of unneeded commas here, here's how it could look: "Through the years RPC-XXX developed its own personality, being curious but calm". Also has it ever shown any other emotion? Here would be a good time to mention stuff like that, even if it's only to be shown in an Addendum (you can even do a "see Addendum-X" to link to that too).
This description needs a lot of grammatical and spelling fixes. Not to mention clinical tone, but I see that you are rusty on this so i'm just going to point it out and give my suggestions as I have been. Only narrative things are as I previously mentioned, MRIs might be the way to go instead of X-rays, and any other emotion should be catalogued here (or the lack of other emotions too)
"Norht Carolina," typo on "North".
"circus ringmaster, █████, and put on observation" The ringmaster of X-A instances in his care?
Not a bad Discovery, but could be expanded in some ways. The agents could've asked the ringmaster where he got the roaches for one, circuses travel also so maybe a few more sources could've tipped the Authority off to the roaches too.
"Dr. Portillo had a nervious" Another typo on "nervous"
"Portillo have been directing experiments" Use past tense, "Portillo had been directing experiments"
When Dr. Portillo locked himself in the room, was that procedure for a Containment breach of this manner? How long did it take for any site personnel to notice his actions?
"Security authorities" Its been a while since i've looked but Security Personnel here would maybe be ASF personnel or some group from the Containment division. Adding that in here would help ingratiate this in the world.
"he brought a personal gun" would be better to add some more to this, here's an example: "Documents also stated that Dr Portillo brought a registered firearm to work (add footnote here about how this is his), which was subsequently confiscated by ASF personnel and lead to a reprimand by the Site director." I added a bit more to this but feel free to direct this however you want.
"He ignored the warnings and continue to bring it anyways." If he kept bringing it, that would've been grounds for further, harsher action. If he needs to gain access to a firearm, it's easier for it to happen in the Containment breach, or for the firearm discovery and reprimand to happen on the same day as the breach.
"and mantained some of the site's sections closed" He maintained? That's not the right word here, maybe: "he mandated some sections of the Site to remain closed"
"closed, meanwhile, the corpse of" You can remove the first comma, replace it with a full stop, and begin a new sentence at Meanwhile.
"Dr. Portillo's corpse during the authopsy" typo for "Autopsy"
"and was reassignated as RPC-XXX-B" Reassigned? Or Redesignated?
"the previous assitant of Dr. Robert" Typo for "Assistant", also keep referring to the Doctor as "Portillo", referring to him as "robert" after only using his surname can lead to some confusion.
For this Incident log, you need to work a bit on refining where the gun came from, as it's written right now it feels very questionable as to why he was allowed to bring it in. You also could restructure the personnel factors that lead to this Incident, as they're a bit all over the place. First mentioning the Neverous breakdown, then mentioning the experiments, then the divorce, then the gun, then going back to the nervous breakdown. I understand the importance of mentioning all this, don't remove it, but do restructure it so it flows better.
"presented a complain on" did you mean "complaint"?
"site-15's director of RnD" Some capitalisation is needed: "Site-15's Director of RnD"
"make the most in a research of such as interesting specimen" This line sounds off, maybe try: "make the most in researching such as interesting specimen"
"posture on such delicate creature as this is." Also sounds off, try: "posture on such a delicate creature as this."
"We are talking of a living being" replace "of" with "about"
"and with infinity potential of intelligence" using just "infinity" here is off, try "an infinite"
"impossible to be contained" changing the wording a bit to be like: "impossible to contain"
"That's why we are being extremely careful when meddling with RPC-XXX," Meddling doesn't feel like the right word to use. I don't know what to suggest here, but trying something more clinical would help.
I also feel like using Quotation marks for the entirety of this Addendum isn't needed as we know it's all coming from the one individual, same for how it's presented.
Decent article that still needs a LOT of clinical tone work and some spell checks. The overall idea is great, only problem I have is the Incident log, with the gun.
