Psychic #2
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/soulless-sanctuary
Second (or third) psychic article, this time about a born psychic.
Psychic #2
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Psychic #2
Summary:
A biokinetic who makes a country
I think you should replace. "Containment Procedures…"
with
"+++Containment Procedures"
"…"
A lot of articles are doing it. I like the idea of things being more standardized and it just looks better, so do this with 'containment protocols' and 'description' it looks like you are already doing it for all of the addendums.
I wish I cold steal all the fancy box and boarders that you made for this article but the functions went right over my head. great job making the boxes distinct and eye catching.
I think 'SPA' should have a footnote just like every other acronym.
"The Department of Parapsychology is currently executing 3IU protocol on the biokinetic taking refuge at The Society of Body and Mind former headquarters." It might feel wrong, but I think this is a one sentence paragraph.
Paragraphs are broken up by subject. by starting the paragraph with the subject of 'The Department of Parapsychology' that became the subject. You do mention the former headquarters, but in this context, it is not the subject of the text. So when you start talking 'The periphery of the zone' that's a whole different subject and warrants a new paragraph.
If you want the text to stay together, you will need to find a way to rearrange the subject of the first sentence. Or perhaps you can start with the former headquarters and its periphery zone being under surveillance and then talk about the 3IU stuff.
Yeah, the more I read this paragraph the more I think it needs to separated into two. Especially because of how lacking the procedural descriptions are. "it is monitored, and any bodies should be disposed of." This part of the text needs to elaborate on who is responsible for what, or else it's not convincing as a
TYPO 'Type B' should probably be 'Type-B'
And if you are going to talk about how to handle type-bs you should also mention what to do with type-as, or else I as a reader am left to assume the agents are just leaving severed heads everywhere, because it's not their job to pick it up. if it was, the document would be telling me so, because in-universe this is meant to be THE document that agents read so they know what their job is.
TYPO There is a space between the word neutralized and the period.
When it comes to the Felix Platon article, you did a great job as well. I just want to ensure that you have full rights to the image used. you don't want to use anyone elses work or likeness without permission.
Unfortunately I think having the footnote be inside of the article, breaks the immersion a little bit.
The top of the Felix Platon article makes it look like an exciting opinion piece, but then when you read it just sounds like the guy is reciting breaking news. I feel like it needs to be punched up in some way. Maybe if yo can make the characters voice and opinion come through stronger? or if you can make the headline more clear that this is some kind of developing emergency. It might just be me, but the tone seems muddled…
also it's lacking a lot of detail that you would expect to see either way. I, as the reader, can see when the page was published but the author does nothing to clue me in to when this druid situation actually started, how long it took the boy to kick out all the adults, how many kids are up there, none of that.
Ok so after the cut-out there is this block of text. I have a lot of questions about this. If you gave it a quick in-universe label to clear up why this is here, it would go a long way.
What is the context of this block of text? is it a sticky note on the file? and Email from one person to another? from one department to another, is this supposed to be a sample from like a field report on the developing situation?
It starts in the past-tense so I assume this is some field agent telling his superior why he made the calls that he did?
Either way I think it needs a label and some cleaning up. Who did the department advise to not go in? the field agent writing the note? the Scandinavian branches command? How long did it take to recover the kids and parents? how did you do that without moving in? was there any communication or negotiation with these body and mind guys?
If this is meant to fill in the missing information for the audience, it does not do a great job.
PS this is where you can attach the 'Society of Body and Mind' footnote without breaking immersion
The "Scandinavian branch of the Authority" would fall under WESTCOM so just use that. Unless this is supposed to be some kind of alternate universe?
"RPC-788 designates daily homicides, carried out…" This should be rephrased "RPC-788 is the collective designation of an ongoing series of homicides, which bear similar or identical traits in their pathology and anomalous nature.
"exposed superiorly given…" What does the word 'Superiorly' mean in this context? I understand what you are describing, but this word throws me off. I don't know if this is a medical term or what. It might need a footnote if you are going to leave it in.
Ok, big question, here. The news article is cool and eye catching, but it needs to be after the description. You put it in there so we would understand who the druid is before we go over the murder stuff, and that's a terrible choice for three reasons.
First of all, it is above the NOTICE, which cuts off because everything is out of date underneath. Why? wouldn't the old as shit newspaper clipping from a literal decade ago be considered out of date information? sure it might still be relevant info but that doesn't mean its been updated properly.
Second It makes no sense in-universe for the Authority to plug in this info right here. This is the 'Containment Procedures' Yes they mention the kid, they also mention type-b corpses, but we both agree the explanation for what that is, can wait until the 'Description' section. And sense the Actual RPC-788 is apparently not the kid but the magic decapitation, this is all supplementary information, which means it shouldn't be explained until it has its own Addendum. After the description of the actual Anomaly that the in-universe file is meant to be focused on.
And Third, it makes the story more enjoyable for the reader if you wait to reveal all the details. Seriously, that's the easiest thing in the world. you build up the suspense and make the audience wonder what's going on, AND THEN you reveal whos behind everything.
Here's how it should go…
"OH wow! the Authority needs to keep cleaning up bodies around the area? I wonder where these bodies are coming from?"
"Wait, why do some of these bodies need to be burned? there must be something anomalous that happens to them…"
"Anomalous murders? what? They are getting decapitated? that's spooky. but what is so bad about type-b corpses"
"Oh Wow what an interesting and spooky anomalous effect… wait there might be a clue as to why this is all happening?"
"Some kids on a field trip, hmm? and then this? and then that?"
"wow great story. 5 stars!"
"A cadaver left after a Type B RPC-788 event…" should be "A type-b cadaver left from a RPC-788 event…" the cadaver is what comes in multiple types, not the murders. you have already established your terminology before. Don't go mixing things up now…
"The video frame is closed up on the corpse…" should be "The video frame is a close-up on the corpse…"
Any and all speech in the 'play logs' should be marked with quotes, and the name of the person speaking should be there's to tell me, the reader, exactly who is speaking. When you started describing where the cutoff point was, I don't know if this is a visual description of what I'm seeing, or if I'm listening the the doctor's medical expertise, or if thee is someone else narrating from off screen.
"placing it on the chest." You mean the cadavers chest? Remember that half of your readers will be dumber than average, so write everything that you want them to understand and don't let them make any assumptions.
"then admire these. [ He points towards…" this is the one paragraph where the speaking and the visual description are crammed together. Why? Separate them like all the others.
Who is Lindell? How to I, the person watching the footage, know their name? It's not like the last log where I had the position of an agent within the authority watching an official record of someone I presumably work with. Is there going to be a brief description of the figure and how they are dressed or what they look like? Maybe a note saying that the figure has been determined by Authority intelligence, to be 22 year old Lindell So-and-so of [Redacted], wherever?
I like the translations, nice touch. You should do that for the Felix Planton article.
"She rubs against the couch, before pushing herself up in a groan. ]" lets please change this to "She rubs her hand against the couch, before pushing herself up in a groan. ]" This is a perfect example of why it's better to be specific.
"a jumbled chant" I don't know what this means. "is it multiple voices so its all hard to parse the words? or is it words salad that has no meaning? or is it an unknows language? When you are describing to the audience in text, something that they are meant to experience as if they where watching and listening to the video themselves, you need to make things more understandable.
"Må ja, själ…" missing translation here.
"revealing the half of a figure clad in robes." because this story involves so much dismemberment, I pictured a dude who was literally half gone. like one leg, one arm, half a torso, half a head. I think what you meant to say was that a robed figure was half way visible.
Addendum 3 seems like its the same kind of "BWT FYI We as the authority have determined…" type of info dump as the one right under the Felix Platon article. It should be in the same kind of box. as well as giving some context to where I as the reader am getting this little note from.
"The Society has been historically varied in shape," this means the boarders of the territory have changed over time, nut what you go on to describe is how their purpose/temperament/ideology/activity/motivation/whatever, have changed over time. If that's what you actually mean, then say that.
"however were spared in return for…" where spare of what? what punishment did they avoid? You talk about them being persecuted along with the Auctoritas, but you don't ever mention what that persecution took the form of.
"giving up anomalous assets." how many? which ones? all of them, or did they swear off ever touching anomalous objects ever again? who did they swear this to? was this promised formally in some sort of treaties? At the bare minimum just write "relinquishing a select number of anomalous assets to the Earl of WHEREVER, in accordance with the Treaty of WHOGIVESAFUCK." This looks like it's meant to be a page ripped out of history book, or at least an old form of official documentation. It should be the thing that contains all of the detailed exposition, so FFS, write complete thoughts.
"disillusioned it,…" Don't say "It". Name it. or just say "the Society", or "the people of BLABLABLA" or "their leaders." make it nice, and clear, and official sounding because its an educational document and has no business being lazily written.
"Secluded,…" NEW PARAGRAPH! PLEASE AND THANKYOU…
TYPO "and pictures…" everything else is in past tense. this should be past tense too "pictured…" in fact don't say "pictured…" how the fuck does anyone actually know what he really thought? the author of this text should, and would, be clear to reference what the man claims of what he apparently believed, but would not state as fact what the guy had going on in his head. (or you can put quotation marks around the line like it's a direct quote.
The detail about catacombs seams interesting, but it just feels tacked on at the end. not very well integrated.
It is improper to start a new sentence, and especially a new paragraph with "However"
You say "Save for a single document." but then yo have two documents. yes an image is a document. fix either the documents or the text.
TYPO "Maneuver…" should be "Maneuvering…"
"O1 shouts toward the figure." What does he shout? Unintelligible guttural grunting? No? Then fucking tell me what the words were. This section of text is a stand-in for the home movie that you couldn't make, so you need to describe everything like I can see and hear it with my own eyes.
Why the fuck are the words of every operative described as a part of their actions instead as being quoted? Not only is that inconsistent with the format of the two other video logs, it's internally inconsistent. The fucking druid is being quoted properly in the same video log. Fix it.
This whole aftermath part needs some work.
First of all: This is magic nonsense land, therefore, if you fucking tell me, or any other in-universe reader of this official fucking document, that something "ApEaReD" Ill give you three fucking Guesses what the logical way to understand that statement is. UNDERSTAND THE CONTEXT OF WHERE THES DOCUMENTS COME FROM, WHO THEY ARE WRITTEN BY, WHO THEY ARE READ BY, AND WHY THEY ARE BEING READ. say it "invaded", or "approached", or "entered through a window."
Second: "It was reportedly attempting" no it wasn't because the only creature that could report on its intentions are itself. AND IT HAS NO FUCKING MOUTH. What you meant to write is "It is believed that…" or "It was seemingly…" Fix it.
Third: "initially attacked by Authority…" Wrong, because the Agents where not the aggressors. it was "engaged by…"
Fourth: "but instead" this implies like that is not what the agents planned to do the whole time. like they aren't trained to do exactly that when they engage the target. What were they planning on eating it first and then changed their minds? "It was engaged AND taken into custody…"
FINAL THOUGHTS:
You are missing a number of relevant hazard warnings. Ecological, Regenerative, Biological,
You don't need to include the article about the boy. It's well designed and eye catching, but besides the fact that it still needs some work, and needs to be relocated because it does not belong at the top of the page… it honestly detracts from the article.
This thing has mystery and questions, "who is this druid guy?" and that makes for a spooky story, but it loses all of its luster as soon as you want to tell everyone about your very special OC, DONUT STEEL.
The whole article should be leading up to a punchline. If you want a fun article, the very last line should be the most fun part of the whole story. If you want creepy, the last line should be the creepiest thing.
In this story, the crampiest thing is the diplomatic invitation from the creepy mysterious druid, dude. That's where you should end it.THINGS I DONT GET
So the kid has plant powers but now he has flesh powers? How? why? Where is the connection?Why have the anatomical image at all? it adds nothing. literally nothing.
Why have the "STANDING 3IU ORDER?" it comes across as a TLDR on a reddit post.
What makes this rated for Gamma and not Beta?
So the RPC is the murders as a phenomenon because why? This whole article was an explanation of how and why that shit was happening. The Druid should be the RPC, with the bodies being a sub designation as well as the heads and maybe the location itself. Seriously, you over complicated things.
Another thing you did to over complicate things was the whole "everything after this is out of date" notice. It seams to me like that was an in universe excuse to not tell the audience everything at first, but then you just catch up to the present, anyways. You don't need to do all that. No other article does all that.
FURTHER NOTES
The 3IU page at the bottom is a fine in-universe document but it takes away from ending. if you want to keep it somewhere, maybe just create a Personnel Dossier for the druid OC.I thing this article could use a visual aid. If I where you, I would find an image that labels the neck bones of the human skeleton, and just attach it in the Description section.
ALL in all this is a good idea, a spooky story, and a lot of it is well done, but it still needs some serious work, and you will need to kill some darlings to make it shine.
This pretty competently written and conveyed. There are a few hiccups in dialogue flow but I can be overlook it, for the article lets on delicious worldbuilding and anatomical precision in description without sacrificing readability. I like how you built up with the WWWJ excerpt before going into the article itself, and addendums are neither too short nor do they drag on; They do what they've been set out to do with really colorful imagery too!
Most of my complaints are in the collapsible below, but the notice's purpose at the start escapes me. If it wasn't for foreshadowing then what was it for? I also deem 3IU protocol's mentioned one too many times superfluously.
Aside from that, this was a really fun read. I will go a bit back on my word and say the excursion log is a smidge extra but it's not an issue. Only a few loose ends to tie down here and it's golden.
one class 2A student gained
could reportedly manipulate the anatomy of vegetation, sprout berries, but also as well as heal certain injuries in his classmates
I don't see how healing is a contradictory clause to the prior two.
Alfons refused to allow adults into his enclave
one of the teacher's reached
The teachers initially attempted to still reach the children, but were soon managed by the Global Authorities.
Managed how? Amnesticization? Disinformation campaign? Assimilation? Very broad term for a newspaper to use, since to inform needs some degree of specificity.
The parents of the children have refused interviews refused to be interviewed.
RPC-788 designates daily homicides
Daily is excessive, which would be fine if you make a convincing enough disinformation protocol to keep that population decline plausible when brought into question. Weekly? Every 3 days? If we were to assume he's been at it for 15 years, victim count would be above 5,000. In that same time frame, wouldn't a range of 700 (weekly) to 2,000 (every 3 days) more plausible?
The frame is tight, with the corpse occupying most of the scene.
I get what you mean by a tight frame but that's not how it would be described. Also goes without saying with tight framing the content would in turn occupy most of that frame. Try:
The video frame is closed up on the corpse throughout most of the scene.
Translation footnotes
It reads awkwardly to skip ahead to hovering on a footnote when you can write in brackets the translations as seen in 846 logs. I would also fill in the shorter sentences too as a curious reader like myself would look up their translations anyway.
A mumble can be heard. It is hoarse and low.
neeeighhgh
The words are poorly articulated, and inexplicable. The vocals are however rhythmic.
Again, contradictive conjunction makes no sense here. Try:
The words are poorly articulated and inexplicable; Its vocals rhythmic.
She inches towards the foyer, occasionally freezing standing still between each steps.
It lies on the fringes of Swedish policy, h. However, it has been politically ignored in recent times due to its passive nature.
The Auctoritas was during this period persecuted during this period by the protestant reformed Kingdom.
Or better yet:
During this period, the Auctoritas was persecuted by the protestant reformed Kingdom.
The Society of Body and Soul Mind
that we achieve feats planes above even that of choiceless Angels!
I had to reread this sentence multiple times even when it says the same thing. I think adding the word makes it clearer.
Announcing their presence yields no response, and they enter before entering.
"as they enter" or "before entering". Flows weird otherwise.
P1 proposes that the entities lack sensory organs, and can therefore not register the unit’s presence.
Redundant. What other conclusion does the reader surmise from the scene? It inadvertently serves to insult the reader's ability to infer this on our own.
The priest asked for an audience with the prince, and explained the evils outside Eden’s walls. In return for safety, the prince and his friends joined the priest’s other country.
I don't see what incentivizes perfectly content folk to seek such evils. If it is that, explain it. If it's otherwise, why let the priest lead themselves astray? Poor motive to go outside a comfort zone, let alone a haven.
As they proceed, a webbing-like network gradually overtakes the cobbling
I looked up cobbling and I can't find a dictionary providing a noun definition. I'm sure there is a more fitting word as I'm not clear on it.
pain is friend amity
lol
This is my charity.
I think a stronger, more fitting phrase to the context before it would be:
This shall be my providence.
If he expresses regret towing the line between mortal and deity, he should express some guilt by framing it as an act of penance too.
The chatter grows in volume as the group continues. They attempt to step forward on the empty vacant ground, but can not avoid breaking more of the arteries avoiding loose artery strands proves futile.
The use of "the" before "chatter" and "empty spaces" falsely asserts it was mentioned before, something already introduced to the reader or expected of them to remember. But this isn't the case so it reads awkwardly and prompts the reader to check if they missed something that isn't there.
It enters the within candlelight
Damocles has shown a blatant disregard for the veil
I personally haven't picked up on it, if not throughout the expedition log not anywhere else. I was under the impression this micro-nation was largely isolated from its surroundings?
Focus on the ISOLATE axiom of the 3IU by eliminating the qualia battery.
Reads like its directed to an intern enforcer of this protocol. Try:
Focus on protocol ISOLATE by neutralization of the qualia battery.
Ground assaults are not recommended due to the unknown extent of regeneration potential. Missions are only to be carried out if the predicted chance of success is over 80%, as Damocles has been shown to access the knowledge of decapitated subjects.
Try:
Ground assaults are discouraged as the regenerative extent of the anomaly cannot be ascertained. Given Damocles' direct access to sensitive knowledge pertaining to TYPE-A subjects, the minimum success chance for approval of deployment missions is set at 80%.
but were soon managed by the Global Authorities.
but were soon acquiesced by the Global Authorities.
The descriptions are short as always.
I think you should use descriptions as an opportunity for foreshadowing more. Like maybe the victims are missing a head or arteries, or maybe each killing has a series of zodiac killer-style messages that are excerpts from the society of Body and Mind.
RPC-788 was originally considered to be mundane serial killings. However, investigations repeatedly failed to ascertain how the perpetrator entered the scene, how bleeding was prohibited, or decomposition avoided, indicating a paranatural character.
RPC-788 was originally assumed to be mundane serial killings without anomalous intervention. However, investigations failed to ascertain how the perpetrator entered the scene and lacerated their victims without causing them to bleed, nor why the victims' bodies did not decompose.
The translated text are a bit too dark. Why not use #8f8f8f, which is the standard translation color.
It is once these labors interact that soul is found. Once physical labor is evaluated and given an impression, or once an abstract theorem is practiced to real effect, it is through the coupled expression of body and mind that soul may emerge.
It is once these labors interact that the soul is found. Once physical labor is evaluated and given an impression, or once an abstract theorem is practiced to real effect, the soul may emerge through the coupled expression of body and mind.
Thoughts
It's a solid article, you're getting better at pacing and storytelling, but I do have some issues.
I feel like a lot of the time, your articles want to tell a story so bad that they forget to actually be an actual anomaly. "collective designation of an ongoing series of homicides" isn't an RPC, that's a recorded event.
Add something else from the article as the description anomaly instead. Something that can veriably be cataloged as an RPC that requires a containment protocol.
I know this isn't gonna work for your story, but if we're going by the RPC universe's logic of how this article was written, why even make the murder case the anomaly when they solved the muder case and there's a murderer that needs a containment protocol?
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
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