The 1902 Waterbury Fire
Wrote a tale a couple of years ago about a historical fire that happened in 1902. Decided to finally get it put on the site. Your crit is appreciated.
The 1902 Waterbury Fire
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» The 1902 Waterbury Fire
Summary:
Made a tale based off a historical event.
General Thoughts
(Will continue later)
General Issues
I know a truth that someone or something does not want to be known, and the people must know so they can be prepared if such an event were to occur to them.
End the sentence as " and the people must know so they can be prepared." It's too long for no reason.
and there he lay motionless.
Did you mean past tense laid?
My father accepted my offer of a drink readily and gulped it down as if it were the only liquid he was presented with in months.
Remove readily, the sentence feels clumsy with its inclusion.
Once opulent, the signifier of population growth,
How is that the signifier of population growth. Is there a logic to this narrator's statement?
This, combined with his naturally dark eyes gave the distinct appearance of some form of animalistic predator, stalking his prey.
Replace it with this: "This, combined with his naturally dark eyes, gave the distinct appearance of some form of animalistic predator stalking his prey." It would not make sense for comma placement otherwise.
Soon she would be moved into my home so that I may take care of her at the end of her life.
Is he relaying what he's going to do or has done. I am only asking because it is odd to include this.
I can only hope he’s not getting sick with that awful thing that has some of the others around here
Replace with: "that has some others around here"
Seldom few wandered the streets at night, only those who were up to some sort of trickery walked about at night.
Replace with: "Seldom few wandered the streets at night, save for those who lack a moral upbringing."
I considered myself unfortunate to now count myself among their ranks as yet another miscreant on their way to some wrongdoing.
Replace with: I considered myself unfortunate to now be counted as yet another miscreant.
Admittedly, my own wrongdoing was minor, and done with noble intention, unlike many I share the darkened streets with.
Replace with: Admittedly, my own wrongdoing was minor and done with noble intention.
father’s comings and goings
"father’s coming and goings"
If he did indeed have a mistress it was more than likely he was taking her to a hotel of some kind for their little romp.
"If he did indeed have a mistress, it was more than likely he would be taking to her at a hotel.
checked in and out recently.
"checked in recently."
I had provided my birth certificate to verify that I was indeed the man’s child.
Who walks around with their birth certificate.
Finally, I had confirmed that my father had indeed rented out hotel rooms here in the past. While this was a boon to my investigation into these personal family matters it had brought up several more questions.
Between these sentences, maybe write "What's more, he had rented a room more than once."
and after seeing the decor of the room
décor
Dreams. Each man longs to pursue his dream. Each man is tortured by this dream, but the dream gives meaning to his life. Even if the dream ruins his life, man cannot allow himself to leave it behind. In this world, is man ever able to possess anything more solid, than a dream?
~Kentaro Miura
It is troubling, to see lies spread before you even as you attempt to stem the tide with the truth. To see facts give way to perception and deceit, leaving one alone in their stubborn refusal to dance to an off-key tune.
I think this could be worded a little better and probably expanded upon.
Even now, they speak of placing me within one of the many sanitariums that dot the landscape [try "in this country" or replacing the italic "the" with "their"].
My father accepted my off of a drink readily
Is that a typo? I don't understand this part of the sentence.
Once opulent, the signifier of population growth, this was little more than a place of dreamers.
I feel like this sentence can be expanded upon to make it clearer. It took me a few seconds to realize you were talking about the apartment, and even then I don't know what you mean by "place of dreamers."
New Haven Symphony Orchestra
OOH OOH I GOT AN IDEA HERE! Maybe mention what song they're playing. It'll urge readers to listen to some music while they're reading, and I wouldn't mind that.
Bringing a sense of nirvana.
Would protag man know about Nirvana? Because around 1902 even Islam was an obscure thing in America, and I'm pretty sure most Americans today only have an incredibly surface-level understanding of Buddhism and only know Nirvana as the band.
Waterbury by at night was a different beast during the day.
Central Waterbury was even still lit by gas even on the indoors
Used even twice award.
I didn't do any line-by-line after this point because I just got way too invested in the story to notice anything off.
Amazing story. Had me clapping and laughing like a big dumb baby throughout. I can clearly see the prose was inspired by Lovecraft, and much like Lovecraft, your writing did an excellent job of immersing me in the story. The description projected a movie in my head (haha RPC-461 reference) and the dialogue endeared me to the characters. I really like the narrator's personality. The twists really creeped up and then hit like a tank. The most criticism I can give is there were a few sentences I didn't understand, but I'm sure some of those can be chalked up to the fact that I'm a biiiiiig dummy who didn't read them properly.
In short, bravo!
I know a truth that someone or something does not want to be known, and the people must know so they can be prepared if such an event were to occur to them.
Change to:
I know the truth, that someone or something does not want to be known, and the people must know so they can be prepared if such an event were to occur to them.
One quiet evening, as I made ready to retire for the night, I heard a soft rapping at my door.
Change to:
One quiet evening, as I prepared to retire, I heard a gentle rapping upon my door.
I could barely get a greeting out before I was made witness to my father stumbling quickly into the living room and collapsing on the couch.
Change to:
I had scarcely time to offer a greeting before I beheld my father stumble hastily into the sitting room and collapse upon the couch.
He had lost consciousness before he had even hit the soft cushions, and lay still.
Change to:
He had lost consciousness ere he reached the cushions, and there he lay motionless.
In spite of the fact that he had rudely barged into my home unannounced I was not so callous as to tend to his needs while he was in such a state.
Change to:
Though his entrance had been most abrupt and wholly unannounced, I was not so callous as to neglect his condition in such a state.
Even more curious was the distance he traveled from his home in New Haven.
Change to:
More curious still was the distance he had traveled from his home in New Haven.
Waterbury and New Haven were neighboring cities, however it was a strange thing to have made the trip without a letter or telegram forewarning of his arrival.
Change to:
Waterbury and New Haven are neighboring cities; yet it was a most unusual thing for him to have made the journey without so much as a letter or telegram to forewarn me of his arrival.
Preparing some refreshments for him when he awoke I fell asleep on a plush chair across the room.
Change to:
Having made ready some light refreshment for him upon his waking, I took my rest in a plush chair across the room, where sleep soon overtook me.
He did not awake until 13 hours had passed.
Change to:
He did not awaken until thirteen hours had passed.
As the owner of the clothier shop I could safely be lax in my usual duties due to the extraordinary circumstances.
Change to:
As the proprietor of a clothier’s shop, I could afford some leniency in my usual duties, given the extraordinary circumstances.
My father accepted my offer of a drink readily and gulped it down as if it were the only liquid he was presented with in months.
Change to:
My father was an older gentleman at this time and I was concerned if he had some lapse of the mind common in more elderly people.
Change to:
My father, being by this time an elderly gentleman, caused me to fear some lapse of mind such as often afflicts those of advanced age.
When I had begun asking my father as to the cause of his distress and retreat into my home he seemed both eager and reluctant to divulge the details.
Change to:
When I began to inquire as to the cause of his distress and sudden retreat into my home, he appeared at once both eager and reluctant to divulge the particulars.
The quiet slowly pressed down on the both of us, urging one of us to break it.
Change to:
The quiet bore down upon us both, as though urging one or the other to break it.
The courage to do so came from either of us, so instead we sat in the sparsely decorated room.
Change to:
Yet neither of us found the courage to do so, and thus we remained in that sparsely appointed room.
It had not been all too long ago that I had seen my father last.
Change to:
It had not been so very long since I had last seen my father.
He had seemed to be filled with spirit, and a resolve that would only be found in him when he had come up with a new story.
Change to:
He had then appeared full of spirit, possessed of that peculiar resolve which came upon him whenever he conceived a new story.
Looking at the weary man before me, I could not help but see that same resolve, buried deeply within.
Change to:
As I regarded the weary man before me, I could not help but perceive that same resolve, though buried deep within him.
Staring at me for a few moments he simply said “My stories are a work of fiction, but my ability to create more has been robbed of me, knowing how much more amazing reality is.”
Change to:
After regarding me in silence for several moments, he said only, “My stories are but works of fiction; yet my ability to fashion more has been taken from me, now that I have seen how much more extraordinary reality may be.”
With those cryptic words, my father turned and stepped outside, as if nothing were the matter.
Change to:
With these cryptic words, my father turned and departed, stepping out into the street as though nothing were amiss.
Final Thought: I honestly loved the tale. I love the mention of amateur hunters. I love everything about the story. My one recommendation, and it's optional, is if you could suit the writing/tone of the tale to that of something of the time the story takes place in. Other than that, it's great.
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