Virginia's Full of Crazy People
It turns you into a lolcow and then eats you. This is another one that came to me in a dream.
Virginia's Full of Crazy People
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» Virginia's Full of Crazy People
Summary:
An invisible entity/entities that hunt people by altering their perception of reality to isolate them.
Pros:
1. I think it's about time there was an article about lolcow culture. The two communities intersect, so it's only inevitable that it happened. While the article does have references, they aren't too overbearing (With a few exceptions). I especially like that the article references the one proto-lolcow from the 19th Century you told me about. It illustrates that this isn't just a phenomena that started in the Internet age. For better or for worse, we've always had "village idiots".
2. The article is exactly as long as it needs to be. If it were any longer, I think it would be pretty played out.
3. The section with the lolcow forum feels true to life. It feels like modern lolcow forums and the old forums from the days of Somethingawful or classic 4chan.
4. I like that you emphasize the horror of this article just as much as the comedic aspect. Lolcows tend to have horrid lives as is, so the article already had that going for it. But the idea of someone manipulating you, turning you into a worse version of yourself, just so it can make you more vulnerable? That's terrifying. Plus, the death scene… yikes, that wasn't a pretty visual. Kudos.
The cons:
1. I feel like you should go back to calling the person afflicted by the anomaly a -1. It's easier to read and it makes the sentences flow better. Ditto for the entity, I would describe them with a number or letter.
2. Some of the references are just too obvious. The forum's censored name has exactly as many letters as Kiwifarms, and one of the guys is named Chandler. C'mon now.
Due to its nature, RPC-XXX cannot be physically contained.
Consider:
Due to its nature as an incorporeal phenomena, RPC-XXX and its individual constituents cannot be physically contained at this time.
The fucking prospect of a vengeful curse bringing forth the likes of Chris Chan is endlessly stupid as it is funny. The brief allusions to lolcows, the thread formatting and that twist of horror at the end is a nice reminder we're dealing with demons.
Two gripes:
- The thread lacks the shenanigans you'd expect out of the fringe sites it's based on. For instance, between two relevant comments to the anomaly is unhinged pink triangle user saying abrasive, schizophrenic shit to really sell the vibe. You could argue the Authority decided to keep it in thinking it may just be true.
- You need to commit to the imagery in the video log. What I mean is you either change some of the description of the bedroom to match the attached picture or have someone edit the image (It's CC0 1.0 Universal). There is the option of removing the image altogether, but personally feel like that would take away a LOT of the lasting, hellish "aftertaste".
This itches a niche I love but I can't deny that's exactly why some won't like it as much. It's fine for those not into it and hilarious for those who are. Short and simple but I enjoyed every bit of it, and it all ties together to good effect.
At the time of writing, the criteria by which RPC-XXX targets Crenshaw residents is unknown
Misplaced sentence, as it's jarring to alternate between what's known and what isn't within the same paragraph. Try including it here:
The only way to eliminate the effects of RPC-XXX is by removing the affected individual from the city of Crenshaw for an extended period of time. At the time of writing, the criteria by which RPC-XXX targets Crenshaw residents is unknown.
Or giving it its own paragraph break for a dramatic emphasis.
several weeks to several years
Specify the lowest and highest recorded periods to affliction. I suggest higher than 2 years to contrast it with Hieronymus comment in the thread.
Paraphilias and paraphilic disorders.
Paraphilia is redundant to Paraphilic disorders, the latter being more apt.
Per:Suck_My_██████_licious_BallsNuts
unleash an army of autistic MKULTRA supersoldiers onto Crenshaw lmao
Funnier without the indication of sarcasm; that he actually believes what he typed.
@███████_btfo quit acting shocked new███. this is a common occurrence at this point. its called lolcow city for a reason
I assume he meant to @Onion_Fucker? @███████_btfo wasn't expressing anything out of shock, unlike onion.
as early as the 1810's
Remove the apostrophe.
to dismiss RPC-XXX as the actions of an unidentified serial killer
when I dated her in Italy
I feel as if "met" would have more significance to him to mention, but that's just me.
7:45: Morrow stops and focuses on an empty bedroom. The wallpaper and curtains are ripped. There is a broken mirror on one of the dressers. The wooden bedframe is rotten and the mattress is covered in mold.
The image provided is really cool and am tempted to ask you to change this description. That or the image to be altered to match some of what's written here. The image goes hard mkay????
down on a nearby shelf
As said on VC, what the camera is put down on has not as much effect nor importance to that of the added photo. I don't believe it should remove a perfectly good visual when it could be put on a cupboard as present in the picture.
begins contorting Morrow's body further into a the fetal position
As it refers to what's aforementioned.
Morrow's calves tear open as well-, exposing several ripped tendons and —a fractured tibiae.
leaving him a mass of fractured bones, and torn skin and muscle tissue
spherical shape form
When Authority agents recovered Morrow's camera, they noted that there was no blood spatter in the bedroom and Morrow could not be located.
Try:
Contrary to the extracted footage, Authority agents upon recovery of the camera noted that Morrow's body and tissue spatter were missing.
Demens with my own veri ayes
demons with my own very eyes
Implemented the crit for the most part; still gotta work on the images in the expedition log!
I do enjoy this article. A lot of the comedy of the exact lolcows in question are lost on me due to the fact I don’t have an encyclopedic knowledge of mentally ill loners, but there’s enough there for me to enjoy.
The body horror segment at the end is enjoyable but has a few bits here or there that drag it down for me personally. Mostly just trouble visualising what is actually happening, I elaborated on it in my LbL crit.
Overall, this is a neat little article that’s not particularly intense but is still a good read. 4 stars from me. 5 if I’m in a good mood.
Crenshaw, Virginia, United States
I don’t think you need to specify the United States.
erotomania
Should add a footnote here describing what this word means. My name is Antdem0n and I’m a biiiiig dummy who doesn’t know what erotomania is.
Once an affected individual is sufficiently isolated, they will disappear
The only way to eliminate the effects of RPC-XXX is by removing the affected individual from the city of Crenshaw for an extended period of time.
[MOD] Hieronymus — 04/18/2021 10:24
If this is an old forum then this post should also be marked with an [OP]. This guy is the original poster of the thread.
Authority agents embedded in the Crenshaw Police Department later reported an alarming amount of unsolved missing person cases in proportion to the city's population
As a small note, I feel like the Authority should have already noticed the fact that a bunch of people went missing. Or if this is saying that there was an uptick when the Authority arrived it should specify that.
Morrow's calves tear open as well, exposing several ripped tendons and a fractured tibia
If the back of his legs tore open the fibula would also be visible since they are so close together and connected via several tendons.
exposing the ends of his femurs
I do believe that if the skin is tearing and exposing his bone in the way I visualise it, what would be visible is the patella (aka kneecap) rather than the femur.
Morrow attempts to scream, but blood pours out of his mouth.
This can be reworded to something like ‘Morrow attempts to scream, but the blood in his lungs only allows him to gurgle, the excess of which bubbles out of his mouth.’ This more accurately describes what is happening, amps up the horror, and maintains the clinical tone.
His femurs tear through his shoulders and protrude through his back. Morrow attempts to scream, but blood pours out of his mouth.
Judging by how human anatomy goes it’s more likely that his femurs would tear through his glutes and his tibia and fibula would be the one tearing through the shoulders.
his skin, leaving him a mass of fractured bones and torn skin and muscle tissue.
This should be reworded slightly. There are 2 conjunctions and there should be commas.
they noted that there was no blood spatter in the bedroom and Morrow could not be located.
Should be reworded slightly. As-is this is clunky and doesn’t really pack that much of a punch.
Ultimately, I find this article to be good, but not great. The comedy is present but doesn’t super land for me as it requires a lot of context outside of the article before you can appreciate what’s actually happening. The horror segment at the end is very nice and I appreciate the tone shift. I think it works really well with what you have. I had advised you to hold back on the victim eating the rotten food and I still stand by that, it would be too much and would detract from the article, I reckon.
The body horror is nice, but the disgust segment earlier doesn’t super work for me. Maybe it’s simply that horror’s not really worked for me in the past, to be fair. I think if you focus down on a particular type of horror and expand upon it, it would make for an overall stronger article. You had mentioned that the demons affected the victim’s senses to the point where his idea of reality is incongruent with what is actually happening around him, and that is effective. If you played that up more it would be far better and more horrifying than just having there be a bunch of gross stuff in the apartment.
Nice piece, nice horror. Probably could be a bit more heavy handed on the set up for the horror section. The comedy section is fine as-is
/forum/t-17782185/virginia-s-full-of-crazy-people#post-