A Well-Oiled World --- Psychic article!
A Well-Oiled World --- Psychic article!
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» A Well-Oiled World --- Psychic article!
Crit Time
It is the 103rd unit of the Inyo County Oil Terminal, owned by TerraRoll Engines before acquisition by the Authority.
Change to:
It constitutes the 103rd unit of the Inyo County Oil Terminal, formerly owned by TerraRoll Engines prior to acquisition by the Authority.
Most sources reference the party with a reluctant tone, such as in Secretary Donald Remy’s letter on RPC-675.
Change to:
Most sources reference the event with a reluctant tone, as exemplified in Secretary Donald Remy’s correspondence regarding RPC-675.
The Oil Terminal is now referred to as OL-Site-675.
Change to:
The oil terminal is now designated OL-Site-675.
RPC-675 is a tank holding an infinite supply of petroleum.
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RPC-675 is a storage tank containing an effectively infinite supply of petroleum.
Initially a stable anomalous item, Authority personnel ignited it during Incident 675-002 "Eternal Oblivion".
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Initially classified as a stable anomalous object, RPC-675 was ignited by Authority personnel during Incident 675-002 (“Eternal Oblivion”).
The smoke exhausted by RPC-675 causes several psychological disturbances, often related to temporal perception and consumerism.
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Emissions produced by RPC-675 induce multiple psychological disturbances, primarily affecting temporal perception and consumer behavior.
The most common symptom is dyschronometria, often so extreme that subjects lose all temporal perception.
Change to:
The most commonly observed symptom is dyschronometria, frequently presenting at intensities sufficient to eliminate all temporal perception.
These decisions range from personal finance, to military strategy for Protection Division personnel.
Change to:
Observed scenarios range from personal financial decisions to complex military strategies.
Final Thoughts: For the first draft that'd be using your psychic lore, it's pretty interesting. Overall, I find the concept of the anomaly to be pretty interesting and hope to see more RPCs related to TerraRoll.
Overall, there's not much to critique here. Hopefully this will help toward the eventual publishing of this draft.
This definitely wasn't a shorter draft than soulless sanctuary.
It's also a good introduction to psychics and chronicle of human greed's sinister growth. Despite its length, there wasn't a single segment without its purpose and role in the larger narrative.
As I've come to expect with your articles, you do have a consistent issue with odd English phrasing and purple prose throughout. It's something worth noting given it becomes ineffectual to repeat the same point in crit when you can look further into it in, say, elements of style or the pinned message from Rota on writer's lounge. I did my best to do my own fixes in the writing collapsible below, but even then I can overlook the artistic (?) storytelling.
A few nitpicks:
A full list of known symptoms can be requested from the Department of Parapsychology.
- This is a missed opportunity to expand on psychic shenanigans this thing can cause. In fact, you're pretty much the guy spearheading psychics into canon at this point, so it's worth considering how you can play with it here. This is because my first reaction to this was aw cmooooon
- You should widen the px limit for the MK-ULTRA images by 50-75 px for readability's sake.
- TerraRoll's logo is butt ugly and looks like that of a dead on arrival start-up rather than a multi-national conglomerate. Feel free to use or remix this.
Loved it from the post-sync control tests to the construct segments; from start to end. You outdid yourself with this one.
Do not burn RPC-675’s content
Try:
Under no circumstances is RPC-675's oil content allowed to be ignited.
RPC-675 is an open roof above ground storage tank holding petroleum.
Try:
RPC-675 is an aboveground petroleum storage tank with an open roof.
And yes I checked. Aboveground is a singular adjective.
Exploitation of this supply has been proven dangerous,
dyschronometria
As a general if the reader needs to look up a word, just footnote the definition in.
an individual makes complete skin contact with RPC-675's content.
Complete skin is unclear. It either means the person needs to be entirely submerged or it's superfluous to direct contact. Assuming it's the former, try:
the subject will perceive their future self making a decision.
a decision? Has there been no pattern to associate a nature to these decisions? From what I read you may want to try:
The aberrant illusion has so far not been reconstructed reproduced since (add date here).
Logo of the TerraRoll Affiliation.
The image is self-explanatory.
and found it not green nor gold
Authority in the year 2000 by a letter sent from TerraRoll Engines
This is an incident report, mention down to the day at least.
Soon after receiving this letter, TerraRoll Engines declared bankruptcy. Donald Remy has not been found.
How soon is soon? Minutes? days? No point not specifying when. Same goes for Try:
Terraroll Engines was declared bankrupt 3 hours after receiving this letter. Donald Remy remains missing as of 05/08/2000.
THIS FILE DESCRIBES AN ARTIFICIALLY PRODUCED PSYCHIC. SUCH INDIVIDUALS ARE KNOWN FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL DISABILITY.
"careful he maybe a retard"
Lol nothing wrong with this sentence I just found it funny.
we have concluded that psychics generate qualia differently than the normal average man. The A normal man would bears a relative balance of qualia generation; roughly equal from both cerebral hemispheres.
result in a dispersed, diffused total
Upon further investigation, however,
The Authority however, remained interested. These statistically improbabale events eventually led to Authority interest.
Add a paragraph break here.
containing an unedited video on TerraRoll Engines corporate etiquette.
Larry's entrance in this video would probably not fly in the final cut nor to a multi-national company's standards. Indicate this is preproduction footage. If Larry's role in this footage is simply an act then ignore this edit.
There are additionally various posters spattered around the surfaces. across the walls:
make sure to cover the entire palm, and then leave an imprint it on the provisioned paper.
Donald Remy’s abandoned mansion before the USOC operations.
discussed the future of Saudi imports under the embargo.
Beside the instances, Remy had noted short phrases.
Instances refers to…?
Some of the phrases were had been stricken out.
buttoms bottoms up
lol ill keep that one for later.
I was com- completely overwhelmed by the fleshy mess revelry. Among The yelps and the moans. I barely heard when made out what he spoke again:
replaced by a stare of stale horror terror in his eyes.
What even is a stale horror?
He backed, then ran away.
To:
He backed away and ran.
Thanks for the your time. , and I apologize for the trouble.
Romello is in a found limp on the ground, and being dragged by a man in casual clothing.
OL-Site-675 will be made a Protection Division barracks, to function as further USOC deterrent and military hub.
What else would it be for?
Amidst the early 2021 Authority budget constraints
my truth would was to die just as any other.
just for a drop,. all will donate to me precious qualia.
A funnel from RPC-675 is connected into a gas-turbine engine.
Combined with air-filtering apparatuses, this reduces the amount of psychedelic smoke exhausted into the atmosphere, as well as disguising RPC-675 emissions to the public.
Try:
Combined with air filtering apparatuses, this is designed to minimize hazardous smoke from entering the atmosphere, in addition to masking emissions directly from RPC-645.
Sudden, severe avarice.
Try:
Sudden onset of severe avarice
Treatment of affected subjects is based on this assumption.
Try:
This hypothesis is based on treatment records of afflicted subjects.
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