Re:Planet (Old RPC Draft)
Re:Planet (Old RPC Draft)
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Recorded alterations include shifts in mass distribution, topography, chemical composition, and planetary albedo.
A footnote here explaining planetary albedo would be great.
A joint Authority-NuCorp initiative is underway for the development and deployment of long-range micro-probe satellites capable of interstellar traversal travel.
A joint Authority-NuCorp initiative is underway for the development and deployment of long-range micro-probe satellites capable of interstellar traversal. Prototypes are planned to utilize propulsion via the SoARn Laser Installation Control Facility. Projected operational velocity is estimated at ██% the speed of light, permitting estimated arrival within ██ years of launch.
The Authority has allocated $75,000,000 USD in funding and assigned thirty personnel comprising of engineers, physicists, and applied mathematicians to assist NuCorp in system design and mission planning. Pending final material stress testing and coherency shielding validation, initial launch is tentatively scheduled for January 21, 2032.
These two paragraphs are really interesting! I think they belong in their own addendum rather than the description, though.
Also might want to change traversal to travel.
The observed phenomenon has been designated as “RPC-052’s Mass Elemental Shift”.
We know it's RPC-052.
On 03/25/████, a signal was detected by multiple Authority and non-Authority facilities originating from RPC-052. This caused the Authority’s biggest use of Class A-1 amnestics for that year.
Try:
…and non-Authority facilities originating from RPC-052, which caused the authority to issue Class A-1 amnestics en masse.
After receiving the signal, Authority personnel have come up with many hypotheses. The most popular hypothesis is that the audio depicts RPC-052 achieving sapience.
Try:
After receiving the signal, several hypotheses have been proposed regarding its significance/meaning/(whatever word you want to use). At the time of writing, the most accepted hypothesis is that RPC-052 possesses sentience/sapience.
(The slashes I included are choices for what words you might want to use.)
major damage to the satellites mainframe
Satellites should be satellite's.
Twelve books were discovered by the crew of the Alabaster.
Try:
Twelve books were recovered.
Reason for Expungement: Brevity, Personal Data, Sensitive Data, Ideological Hazard
I think a footnote for ideological hazard would be good here since you added footnotes for personal and sensitive data.
The following documents have been CLASSIFIED. Access to this document has been made forbidden to all non-Black Site personnel.
Try:
The following documents are CLASSIFIED by order of (whatever Black Site authority made it classified). Access to this document is forbidden to all non-Black Site personnel.
This file exists to explain to the viewing personnel what is RPC-052 and the viewing party should accept their immediate amnestization.
I am not sure what this sentence means. It's fairly obvious that this file exists to explain what RPC-052 is, and why read it if your memory is going to be wiped immediately after? Maybe say instead:
RPC-052's ducumentation is distributed on a need-to-know basis. Any personnel who read it must be administered amnestics upon cessation of their duties involving RPC-052.
Currently, all over sight
Oversight is one word.
The following procedures are followed to ensure the safety of all Authority personnel.
Try:
For the safety of all Authority personnel, the following procedures have been implemented:
MST X-Ray-7 (“Agamemnon”) is to be alerted to when the 052 documents are RPC-052's documentation is accessed.
All information regarding RPC-052 was transferred from Site-019 to Black Site-001. Due to RPC-052 anomalous properties, no plans to study it are planned nor are to be planned.
Try:
All information regarding RPC-052 has been transferred from Site-019 to Black Site-001. Further research of RPC-052's anomalous properties has been indefinitely banned.
[DATA EXPUNGED FOR BREVITY] Footnote 6: View the outdated 052 file.
I think you're better off including the expunged data as a refresher. Maybe remove some of the redactions this time around, too. If you want, you could even specify with colored text which parts are edited and which parts are unchanged.
The detection of the signal lead led to the following discoveries:
Led is the past-tense form of lead.
The spatial anomaly takes anything engulfed by it to RPC-052.
Non-clinical wording. Try:
The spatial anomaly instantaneously transports all matter within its range to RPC-052.
Objects taken by the spatial anomaly are not only spatially displaced, but also temporally due to the signal being detected fifty minutes after Researcher Blanca’s tracking device experiment.
Try:
Objects transported by the spatial anomaly are temporally displaced, as well as spatially.
No need to give the explanation I think.
RPC-052 exhibited non-Keplerian motion,
A footnote here explaining what non-Keplerian motion means would be great. As a rule, if the reader might have to Google it, you might want to use a footnote.
The dialogue in the interview log between Judan Mattias and John Caracal explains a lot, but it is a little clunky. The conversation doesn't really flow naturally with wording like "Additionally," and "ceased existing." I'd recommend a complete rework of this interview log.
Overall, I think the premise of the article is really good. It hooked me in with the concept of a planet where everything's blurry and messy and ass-backwards-anomalous, and I was intrigued with the addition of the fact that anyone who knows about it gets spontaneously teleported to the planet, but the article kinda left it at that. As long as this article is, I'd appreciate if it were actually a lot longer. As a suggestion, maybe go deeper into Caracal's or whoever-you-want-teleported-to-the-evil-planet's experiences on RPC-052. Explore the various horrific ways it transforms the flesh and mind. Make it some dream-like tragedy a la SCP-3001: "Red Reality". I am left wanting more, but are so many directions you could take this story, and I am eager to see where you go with this.
/forum/t-17729998/re:planet-old-rpc-draft#post-