The Gas Station
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/unionwatch11
The link for the article. Please enjoy!
Currently Defunct! Undergoing rewrite.
The Gas Station
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Drafts
» The Gas Station
Summary:
My first article, about an anomalous gas station. Just shy of 5,000 words.
The stretch of highway that RPC-XXX is located on is to be permanently shut down and detour routes are to be displayed. ASF Personnel disguised as Kansas State Highway Patrol are to patrol RPC-XXX-1 between the hours of 0600 and 1700. No personnel, civilian or otherwise, are allowed into RPC-XXX-1 between the hours of 1900 and 0400 except during designated testing. RPC-XXX-1 is to be continuously monitored for the event that an instance of RPC-XXX-2 exits the anomaly.
TO
The stretch of highway on which RPC-XXX is located has been permanently shut down, and a detour route leading directly to the anomaly has been condemned. ASF Personnel, disguised as Kansas State Highway Patrol officers, monitor RPC-XXX-1 between 0600 and 1700. No personnel, civilian or otherwise, are allowed into RPC-XXX-1. Between the hours of 1900 and 0400, authorized testing is permissible by a [Insert Research Class]. In addition to agent surveillance, a perimeter of hidden tree cameras monitors RPC-XXX-1 continuously, at all hours. If an instance of RPC-XXX-2 exits the anomaly, motion sensors will report the finding to nearby agents, who will grab the outlying individual.
In the event that an instance of RPC-XXX-2 exits the anomaly, it is to be subject to a psychological evaluation and depending on the circumstance the individual is to be either administered amnesics and released or inducted into the CSD Program.
TO
The RPC-XXX-2 will thereafter undergo a psychological evaluation. Depending on the circumstances around their induction into RPC-XXX and their psychological profile, the individual is to be either administered amnesics and released or inducted into the CSD Program.
RPC-XXX-B is the collective designation of all iterations of RPC-XXX-A. Each iteration will have slight differences from the last. These differences range from minute, such as a varying number of pumps at RPC-XXX, to major, such as the sky within the iteration raining blood. The further from RPC-XXX-A the instance of RPC-XXX-2 travels, the more drastic these differences become. The only living organism within RPC-XXX-B is RPC-XXX-2. It is unknown if RPC-XXX-3 is sentient or even alive.
If an instance of RPC-XXX-2 remains within RPC-XXX-B for an extended length of time3, an instance of RPC-XXX-3 will manifest.
TO
RPC-XXX-B is the collective designation of all variant iterations of RPC-XXX-A. Each instance of the area will have slight differences from the last or original version. These differences vary. Minute altered RPC-XXX-A's can possess additional gas pumps at RPC-XXX. While major changes can involve blood raining from the sky. The further from the original RPC-XXX-A the wandering RPC-XXX-2 travels, the more drastic these discrepancies become. So many of these variants could theoretically exist that reencountering them once again would be impossible. The only unchanging factor within RPC-XXX-Bs is the form of living organisms, such as the wandering RPC-XXX-2. If enough RPC-XXX-B's are traversed, an RPC-XXX-3 instance will appear.
Specifically, an individual that represents a time when RPC-XXX-2 was cowardly. The vocalizations made by RPC-XXX-3 are unable to be recorded by any means, though RPC-XXX-2 will apparently be able to hear and understand said vocalizations.
TO
Specifically, an individual who symbolizes a character in RPC-XXX-2 memory, connected to a moment when they felt helpless. The vocalizations made by RPC-XXX-3 cannot be recorded by any means. While RPC-XXX-2 will apparently be able to hear and understand them, it will appear to outside observers as a one-sided conversation.
The only known way to leave RPC-XXX-A is to “confront” RPC-XXX-3. The confrontation between RPC-XXX-2 and RPC-XXX-3 varies however it most often consists of RPC-XXX-2 apologizing and/or accepting blame for its actions in the past. Following this, through unknown means, RPC-XXX-2 is transported to RPC-XXX, most often into the restroom. After being transported back to RPC-XXX, RPC-XXX-2 ceases to be affected by RPC-XXX’s anomalous effect and is no longer classified as an instance as RPC-XXX-2.
TO
The only known way to leave RPC-XXX-A is to “confront” RPC-XXX-3. The emotional context between RPC-XXX-2 and RPC-XXX-3 symbolically varies. However, it most often consists of RPC-XXX-2 apologizing and/or accepting responsibility for past actions. Following this event, RPC-XXX-2 is transported back into the RPC-XXX establishment, commonly, it's the restroom. After returning to our world, RPC-XXX-2 individuals cease to be involved in RPC-XXX’s sphere of influence. Thus, their anomalous classification is revoked, and they are marked as having returned to baseline normality.
RPC-XXX was discovered after an anomalous number of missing persons were reported in the town of [REDACTED], Kansas. Authority personnel were dispatched and, upon arrival, encountered an individual who was claiming to have been trapped in a looping gas station for ten years. This individual was taken into Authority custody and interviewed.
TO
RPC-XXX first appeared on RPC's radar after a high number of missing persons were reported in the town of [REDACTED], Kansas. Following standard procedure, Authority agents in plain clothes monitored the area and interviewed locals. In a few weeks, agents had acquired many rumors, many of which were false. However, the most credible was the legend of a haunted gas station on the [REDACTED] side of town, which closely matched RPC-XXX's visual and geographic description. While not fully confirmed at this time, it was the best possible lead. A few RPC agents disguised as law enforcement were tasked with monitoring the abandoned RPC-XXX structure in the event of an anomalous occurrence. A few days into the observational regimen, on-duty agents were assailed by a disheveled individual. After quickly detaining them, the raving individual claimed they'd been trapped in a looping pocket dimension for ten years. They then began explaining the looping nature of RPC-XXX-B's enclosed but ever-changing micro-universe to the agents. Agents dubbed this verbal report as evidence of anomalous activity and took the individual into Authority custody for a more proper follow-up interview.
README.txt before anything else
Please don't take this as expert opinion. Ok? Anyways so far from what I understand this gas station sends people to that place during its active hours. Frankly speaking the person who gets sent there shouldn't be an RPC-XXX-[Letter] instance since he's not directly involved with the anomaly(?)
A participant isn't an anomaly from what I know so far, unless he/she is under the influence or is under the control of the anomaly, or is a major requirement in order for the anomaly to work. But that can only vary.
For Object Class
Object Class: Alpha/Yellow
Object Class: Alpha-Yellow
Don't put a slash, use a dash. Pls read other examples, bro. 😭
For Hazard Types:
Hazard Types: [PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE]/[PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE]/[PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE]/[PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE]
Hazard Types: [PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE], [PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE], [PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE], [PUT HAZARD TYPE HERE]
ig you haven't read enough RPC Articles to know how this system of writing works. I suggest reading small articles like I am doing. No need to use other yuge articles as reference or idk.
Sure that lizardposter would agree.
Containment Protocols Section
Containment Protocols: […] RPC-XXX-1 between the hours of 0600 and 1700 […]
Containment Protocols: […] RPC-XXX-1 between 6 AM to 5 PM […]
That's only my take here, I mean it's not a military document… soooo. (Don't blame me for this, gng)
[…] is to be either administered amnesics and released or inducted into the CSD Program.
[…] is to be either administered amnestics, and released, or be inducted into the CSD Procurement Program.
Missed a letter 't' in the word amnestics. Also added procurement program since it sounds so fancy? Not an expert on lore. lol. Consult your local Lore Expert for more or less details.
General Description
Description: RPC-XXX is a gas station, formerly owned by the [REDACTED] Corporation, located in [REDACTED], Kansas, USA. Surrounding RPC-XXX is an anomalous zone, with a radius of fifty-six (56) meters, designated RPC-XXX-1.
Description: RPC-XXX is a gas station, formerly owned by the ████████ Corporation, located in █████, Kansas, USA. Surrounding RPC-XXX is an anomalous zone, with a radius of fifty-six (56) meters, designated RPC-XXX-1.
Putting the redaction indicator "[REDACTED]" is kinda weird for like a one word followed by another one that's also redacted.
Only use that if ig if it's a transcript of a verbal recorded log.
Also for RPC-XXX-2, that part seems terribly mismanaged instead of calling the participant an anomaly refer the participant as a subject or a victim.
Again, don't blame me for this if this doesnt fit. But if you insist so, then whatever makes you sleep at night.
The only living organism within RPC-XXX-A is RPC-XXX-2. It is unknown if RPC-XXX-3 is sentient or even alive.
Remove this line, it's unnecessary, and so weird. If you insist, then it kiiiiiiiinda looks ok(?) or big brain move if you place it below the paragraph that describes RPC-XXX-3(?)
Or if you do add this, make it sound like this
Official consensus states that only RPC-XXX-2 are the only instances in RPC-XXX-A are organic, and sapient.
Yeah, the first exploration log is fine, but bro at least add another one line break space after someone finished talking. 😭😭😭😭.
Also, I suggest making your exploration logs clean next time, like this one below.
Exploration Log No. ___
Subject: A, and B.
Foreword: A, and B was ordered to have test the audio recorder by having a short conversation.
<Begin Log>
A: Hi.
B: Hello.
<End Log>
Closing Remarks (Optional): The audio recorder works, we are done here.
Exploration Log 2 Crit.
Found a few issues.
Head Researcher ██████: Experimenting. We know what one man saw, we need to know what another sees. Based on what we know, this anomaly varies between each person. That answer your question?
CSD-8044: Yes it does, thank you much, dick. I'm just coming up on the next station now. Not seeing anything of note from here.
Head Researcher ██████: We are trying to determine the full extent of RPC-XXX-A, and obtain information from the perspective of another subject. We know what one man saw, we need to know what another sees. Based on what we know, this anomaly varies between each person. Does that answer your question?
CSD-8044: Yes it does, thank you so much, you dick. I'm just coming up on the next station now. Not seeing anything of note from here.
Also I find this very… random?
Closing Remarks: […] The audio and video would degrade in a fashion similar to extreme radiation exposure, leading to the assumption that CSD-8044 would die from acute radiation sickness.
No explanation here.
Now… here comes the items found in RPC-XXX-A, and its so-called iterations.
I don't think some or most of the objects found in RPC-XXX-A deserve a kiddie anomaly designation? Like what's special with these things to begin with? Yet you can argue that its appearance within RPC-XXX-A is an anomaly itself, but the point here is, the stuffs pretty mundane, and does not do anything.
Aaaaalso, the correlation with the so-called buttons found here is very weak. Like… how th did the scientists managed to correlate the buttons with the sudden creation of the anomaly? I find it like the researchers are just making up stuff here to make it seem that everything the project finds is actually valuable, despite it is rlly not. So idk.
For the last exploration log, and 4th addendum.
Finally, the last Exploration log is kinda funny, and unfitting for the whole Authority narrative thing, since it kinda feels like you are turning Authority personnel into incompetent dorks.
Point of reference: SSGT █████'s incompetence.
Last Addendum:
Addendum-RPC-XXX-005: Anomalous Event-2942 has been linked to RPC-XXX following an investigation regarding the GoI known as Vilomah. It is believed that the events described in Anomalous Event-2942 precede the activation of RPC-XXX's anomalous properties. The machine described in Anomalous Event-2942 is a visual match for RPC-XXX-4-1. The automobile used by the Vilomah group is also a visual match for RPC-XXX-4-2.
Anomalous Event-2942 has been linked to RPC-XXX following an investigation regarding GoI-[#] ("Vilomah"). It is believed that the events described in Anomalous Event-2942 precede the activation of RPC-XXX's anomalous properties. The machine described in Anomalous Event-2942 is a visual match for RPC-XXX-4-1. The automobile used by GoI-[#] is also a visual match for RPC-XXX-4-2.
That is about it ig. gg.
The Far Right AWPer Cause Shall Rise To Never Fall. This is Arya Arya! Fufufufuu. OSUFRNB. ;)
Crit tone is unprofessional.
Response
The subject is given a designation as the subject directly affects the manner in which RPC-XXX-3 manifests. It's also convenient for archival purposes and makes it a bit easier to read.
The notable anomaly list is to further emphasis the theme of the article.
SSGT █████ lost track of time with a low danger anomaly. Maybe he was distracted. Things happen.
Vilomah doesn't have a GoI-#, so I can't enter that into the article. Once it becomes an official GoI (Which I believe will be done by this article) I will input the number.
Conclusion
Thanks for the Crit! You had really work on your tone though. I've seen Eighth Graders with a more professional voice.
(account deleted)- The relationship between RPC-XXX-A, ‑B and the "iterations" is confusing. Give the whole pocket dimension one label and describe the successive copies as "layers." That would remove the need for RPC-XXX-B entirely.
- Both CSD logs repeat the same beats: walk north, notice the Ford truck, reach iteration 42, meet RPC-XXX-3. The second log adds radiation sickness and a nuke, but the emotional payoff is almost identical. Keep only one full log and summarize the other in an addendum.
- CSD-9176's "Okie-doke, doc" and "Aye, aye" sound like a cartoon sailor. CSD personnel would usually be terse or hostile; researchers wouldn't banter about their dads' pickup trucks mid-mission.
- Several items (Italian flag, Adrian helmet, portrait of Horatio Gates) hint at a deeper narrative but never cohere.
- There is no narrative reason to redact the name of the gas-station chain or the town. The Authority would at least need to know where to send the fake detour signs.
Designations
RPC-XXX is the gas station. RPC-XXX-1 is the gas station and the area around it. RPC-XXX-A is the inside of RPC-XXX-1. Holy moly, these are some redundant definitions. You only need one, maybe two of these.
RPC-XXX-2 is the subject experiencing the anomaly. Why? Is it an allergy to writing coherent sentences? They're not part of the anomaly, so say "the subject", "the person within RPC-XXX", "the individual"…
If an individual enters RPC-XXX-1 when it is active, that individual is to be designated RPC-XXX-2.
After returning to our world, RPC-XXX-2 individuals cease to be involved in RPC-XXX’s sphere of influence. Thus, their anomalous classification is revoked, and they are marked as having returned to baseline normality.
These items are designated RPC-XXX-4-#
If your description has to waste time explaining its own designations, it's failing.
On the other hand, giving RPC-XXX-3 a distinct name makes sense. RPC-XXX-4 is… okay, but with the exception of -4-1 I'm pretty sure the time spent setting them up makes the text longer, as they're hardly used. In summation, here's how I would classify this anomaly:
- RPC-XXX refers to the region around the gas station, and its effects.
- The gas station is just "the gas station" or "the gas station within RPC-XXX".
- Likewise, the pocket dimension (if you even need to mention it specifically) is "the RPC-XXX dimension".
- RPC-XXX-A is the entity within RPC-XXX.
- RPC-XXX-B is the unidentified machine within RPC-XXX.
- The other -4 items will just be described when relevant, and it will be noted that similar items and anomalies recur between iterations. If you don't like that, call them RPC-XXX-#, since I've freed up that naming scheme.
Subtlety
A bigger problem with the actual literary content is the death of subtlety. It's going for the "this time it's personal" thing, but when a skilled author does this they do it through implication.
For starters, your description shoddily lays out the entire premise. It neuters the effect when you immediately ascribe it to a moral judgment, because it's the sense of cold unfeelingness that makes the face-your-fears setup work so well. Since the Authority doesn't have any great reason to believe this, except maybe a hunch, you could definitely get around writing it with something bland like: "RPC-XXX-3 appears to the subject as a person or object considered distressing. The subject can only exit RPC-XXX-A by interacting with RPC-XXX-3; the nature of the required interaction varies depending on its form."
The setup also doesn't work when you explicitly introduce each character with their backstory (CSDs are rarely given personal info in RPC documents, let alone their life stories, because the Authority doesn't care; they're just that, "disposables"), have them talk randomly about their past, and then include footnotes in the middle of attempted emotional scenes explaining the emotional context for the scene.
Ian was the name of CSD-9176's now deceased younger brother. CSD-9176 abandoned his family to enlist in the Army following his mother's passing.
At that point, nothing about it feels authentic or personal. An example off the top of my head of how this should be done is RPC-302, which is a little corny and tongue-in-cheek by today's standards but lets the moment speak for itself.
Dialogue
People are too chatty in this article in general. Scientists are expected to maintain a professional detachment from their experiments. Like, not distracting from a serious exploration feed to talk at length about their coffee. There's definitely a scale from friendly to cold that a communicating scientist can land on, but you're way off. Likewise, if someone's an "interviewer", they'd better be great at communicating, coercing information from people, and turning the conversation on the other person and not giving up any more information of their own than necessary. I mean, wouldn't it be ridiculous if they said something like
Dr. ██████: Hm. We are part of a secret organization known as the RPC Authority.
The CSDs aren't great either; the first is too friendly and says "doc" a lot, because convicted murderers have more in common with Bugs Bunny than you'd think. The second just says "fuck" over and over again, which is closer in some sense but even closer to a 13 year old on Xbox Live.
Structure
The plot is loose. It's long, but not because it develops a lot. I admit it's not the worst for content, either, but it's really "throw crap at the wall and see what sticks": it paints over the same spot repeatedly, and then overlooks some things, like the promised blood rain that never happens. I rolled my eyes at the third addendum when I realized the first few entries are things I'd already read. The article is not a coordinated series of events until near the end, and even then it keeps repeating itself, like with the interrogation where he explains the events of the video log we're about to watch anyway. It should not be this way. We should be able to identify the purpose of each individual scene by the end, or at least know that one is there. In the meantime, I can tell when it's just meandering.
Vilomah
I suspect someone told you to put Vilomah in this article, and if so you should stop listening to them. Writing a first article is challenging enough already, and this concept just can't make good use of them. They don't show up until the eleventh hour with a hilarious "the GoI known as Vilomah", a.k.a "I know neither of us know who these guys are but can we please add them to the GOI list please?" In contrast, RPC-128 is an article that has always struck me as doing a valiant job with its forgotten GOI, introducing them gradually and discretely while the anomaly drives the story.
Vilomah's involvement with the haunted, moral-testing gas station is as follows: "because they want eternal life, they had people who didn't know what they were doing set off a cartoon doohickey in a gas station, thereby haunting it." Not only is this bad for the story, it's also bad for the yet-to-be-established group, because it does nothing to signal their M.O. for readers or other writers. Am I to come away from this wanting to write another Vilomah article where they lug a machine into a remote area and cause wacky effects that seem tangentially related to eternal life at best?
Event
The anomalous event template is misused, by the way. First of all, what even is the anomalous event? Car-dependent infrastructure has really gone too far: they're involving the RPC Authority when a guy has the nerve to walk down a highway. Even if it were a suitably anomalous incident, it wouldn't go into the anomalous events index, which is for events that can't be linked to any other registered anomaly. This ending should just be an addendum to the article it obviously relates to.
Conclusion
I've definitely read much worse drafts than this, but with all the annoyances I listed (and some more I touch on in the line-for-line), I can't say I was ever into it. The good news is, I think if even the easier points to address are taken care of, it will start to show a lot more promise. What you have now could be a good first draft so long as it's organized and readable, but I think it needs another draft, because marginal edits can't address an overall deficiency in the article's sense of direction.
The anomaly is interesting, and seeing it in action was my favorite part. I think the focus shifting to the people over the anomaly was to the article's detriment, and even so it doesn't seem to reflect many of the ideals you had in mind when initially discussing the concept: where's the disdain for acts of cowardice? That suggested a kind of worldly detachment I wanted to read. And I'd say cut Vilomah, because I'm not convinced they belong here.
Misplaced capitalization
The following are not proper nouns and should not be capitalized unless they are at the start of a sentence. Some of these occur multiple times.
- personnel (in "ASF personnel")
- program (in "CSD program")
- life sentence
- north, south, north-easternmost (unless referring to a specific location, like abbreviating "American South" to "the South")
- black male
- identical issue
- matte black
- nuclear bomb (in "B61 nuclear bomb")
- gamma radiation
- helmet (in "M15 Adrian helmet")
- body camera
- counter (in "Geiger counter")
- video footage
Number formatting
This "number (#)" formatting is a comically dated SCP trope that pretty much nobody does anymore, because there's no reason to besides a misguided perception that it "looks professional", and it interrupts the pace of reading. It doesn't help that you've chosen mostly to render it without a space, which is bad as-is, but you're not even consistent with it. Throughout the article, just about every way of formatting a number is tried at least once. A good rule of thumb is: write out integers from zero to ten and type everything else as digits, unless you have a reason to do otherwise.
Log spacing
Put space between lines in your logs. They're annoying to read without it, and since you don't italicize or otherwise differentiate actions from dialogue (until later on? there's another inconsistency for you), it's sometimes hard to tell where lines end and begin.
Log names
This is relatively minor but your log names are ugly: "Log-RPC-XXX-001". Did the space key break? You can go for, e.g., "Exploration Log XXX-1". Same thing with the addenda; "Addendum 1" or "Addendum XXX-1" is fine.
Alpha - Yellow
Remove the spaces.
Geological Hazard,Ecological,Radiation Hazard,Toxic Hazard,Extra-Dimensional Hazard,Temporal Hazard
Add spaces after the commas.
Containment Protocols
The stretch of highway that RPC-XXX is located on is to be permanently shut down and detour routes are to be displayed.
A comma would help differentiate these statements. The second one strikes me as odd; displayed to whom, where?
ASF Personnel disguised as Kansas State Highway Patrol are to patrol
I looked it up and I think it's just "Kansas Highway Patrol". Pick a different verb to use at the end, because "Patrol are to patrol" is whack.
No personnel, civilian or otherwise
"Personnel" means "staff". Say "person".
RPC-XXX-1 is to be continuously monitored for the event that an instance of RPC-XXX-2 exits the anomaly.
This whole sentence should be rewritten. For one thing, it's already established that RPC-XXX-1 is "continuously monitored" by way of patrols. This should probably be "In the event that an instance of RPC-XXX-2 exits the anomaly[…]".
evaluation and depending on the circumstance the individual is to be either administered amnestics and released or inducted into the CSD Program.
Some additional punctuation might help here.
Description
RPC-XXX is a gas station, formerly owned by the [REDACTED] Corporation, located in [REDACTED], Kansas, USA.
Most can intuit that "Kansas" is in the "USA" unless otherwise specified. These redactions are unconvincing, especially "[REDACTED] Corporation"; just pick a random company that owns gas stations in Kansas, and a random place in Kansas off a map, and blackbox them.
zone, with a radius of fifty-six (56) meters
Unnecessary comma.
Instances of RPC-XXX-2 are transferred, through means currently unknown, to RPC-XXX-A.
I don't know what RPC-XXX-A is yet. I also don't care that the means are "unknown"; it's an anomaly, I figured that. This sentence is meaningless!
For that matter, this entire paragraph could be removed. You could (and should) cut straight from the intro to the RPC-XXX-A introduction: "Surrounding RPC-XXX is an anomalous zone with a radius of 56 meters that is active between the hours of 1900 and 0400. [paragraph break] When a subject enters this zone, they are transported to a pocket dimension […]". Also notice how that took me zero sub-designations to write.
RPC-XXX-A is the designation for the pocket dimension that appears to exist within RPC-XXX.
Remove "the designation for". Also, "appears to exist"? Does it or does it not exist?
Upon initial entry, RPC-XXX-A appears to be RPC-XXX-1 with RPC-XXX at its center, albeit with the difference of perpetual midnight and a lack of any moon or other celestial objects.
Re-describing everything that was already there is a waste of time, and "perpetual midnight" isn't something you immediately perceive unless your first instinct is to wait multiple hours to see if the sun will rise. "RPC-XXX-A appears identical to baseline reality, except that the moon and all other celestial objects are absent; the dimension exists in perpetual midnight."
"Lack of any celestial objects"? Is there any environmental light at all? It's kind of a nitpick, but if all the stars disappeared, it would be pretty noticeable.
However, any attempt to leave RPC-XXX-A will result in RPC-XXX-2 entering an apparent copy of RPC-XXX-1, designated an "iteration."
"Apparent copy", as opposed to an unapparent copy? And get rid of "designated an iteration"; you don't need to explain the definition of regular English words.
Further attempts to leave this iteration will result in RPC-XXX-2 entering another iteration.
You don't need to explain to me that the third copy has the same properties as the second copy. I get it.
Each iteration within RPC-XXX-A will have slight differences from the last or original version.
Why must the subject be referred to indirectly? Why not "iteration of RPC-XXX-2"? Also, get rid of "or original version"; yes, if it's different from the last then it will be different from the original, and you don't need "version" because it's just another word for "iteration".
The further into RPC-XXX-A RPC-XXX-2 travels [Footnote: Travel in this case is considering the number of iterations RPC-XXX-2 has entered and exited.] [Footnote: It is also worth mentioning that the time that it takes to travel between iterations seems to vary for no apparent reason.]
Why two footnotes back to back? Just merge them, is what I would say, but the former shouldn't be here because it's just you explaining your own poorly-phrased sentence instead of fixing it. The latter is incredibly vague because humans do not travel at a constant rate to begin with. This excerpt is also a good example of overzealous designation use making for difficult sentence structure.
The only living organism within RPC-XXX-A is RPC-XXX-2.
I never had any reason to believe there was anything else… though realistically, there are probably microorganisms out and about, or living on the traveler.
[Footnote: It is unknown if RPC-XXX-3 is sentient or even alive.]
It's not helpful description to hinge on references to things before I know what they are.
The only constant regarding RPC-XXX-3 is that it will never leave RPC-XXX.
There are probably some other constants regarding it. Cut the verbiage: "RPC-XXX-3 does not leave RPC-XXX."
RPC-XXX-3, when not directly observed by a human, resembles a black, spherical mass approximately one point five (1.5) meters in diameter.
How are we getting this information if the dimension can only be entered by a human and RPC-XXX-3 never leaves the dimension? Are people entering with cameras and pointing them at RPC-XXX-3 while looking away from it? This is never mentioned in the logs.
Specifically, an individual that represents a time when RPC-XXX-2 was cowardly.
Sentence fragment. "Cowardly" is subjective and vague; this is uninformative as a clinical description.
The vocalizations made by RPC-XXX-3 cannot be recorded by any means.
It makes vocalizations? You never told me that.
While RPC-XXX-2 will apparently be able to hear and understand them, it will appear to outside observers as a one-sided conversation.
"Outside observers" from where? It's never been established that multiple subjects can view RPC-XXX-3 in different places and forms at the same time, nor does that ever happen in the article. The only thing this could refer to is recordings, so just say that: "[…] them, this communication is not captured by any recording devices."
The only known way to leave RPC-XXX-A is to “confront” RPC-XXX-3.
The way to fix this sentence was not by adding scare quotes.
The emotional context between RPC-XXX-2 and RPC-XXX-3 symbolically varies.
This sounds like it belongs in the previous paragraph about the appearance of RPC-XXX-3, and not this one, which is about leaving RPC-XXX-A.
Following this event, RPC-XXX-2 is transported back into the RPC-XXX establishment, commonly, it's the restroom.
Comma splice; change "commonly, it's the restroom" to "most commonly the restroom". This raises the question of why it's not always the restroom, which almost seems like foreshadowing, but it's never resolved.
These items are designated RPC-XXX-4-#
You forgot a period.
Discovery
RPC-XXX was discovered after an anomalous number of missing persons were reported in the town of [REDACTED], Kansas.
What is an anomalous number?
Said agents traveled to the aforementioned location
"The agents traveled to the location". It's not that hard.
Agents apprehended the individual who, following a psychological evaluation, was interviewed.
Move "following a psychological evaluation" to the end of the sentence so you don't have to interrupt yourself with commas. There should be a comma after "individual", though.
After a psychological evaluation Morgan
Add a comma.
First of all, what day was it when you entered RPC-XXX? Uh, that's the name we have for the anomaly, by the way.
This interviewer is so bad at interviewing that they have to preemptively explain their own impossible-to-understand questions that use classified terms a civilian doesn't and literally shouldn't know. Please find a new interviewer.
September seventeenth. 1986.
Who writes out "seventeenth", especially if you're going to use a digit right after?
There was some van, that really popular sixties one
A Volkswagen Bus? I guess he's supposed to be stupid, but I'm halfway to saying that everyone knows what a VW bus is, or would at least call it a "hippie van" or something.
amnesics
amnestics
Addendum-RPC-XXX-001
Crime being first degree murder
Why "being"? Just say "is".
transcript is transcribed
Redundant.
starting eleven(11) minutes following CSD-1976 entering the anomalous zone.
"starting […] following […] entering" is stilted. Try "starting […] after […] entered".
Can you hear me, CSD-9176
Missing question mark.
I just had the most amazing cup of coffee.
"Hey, I know you've been in the hell dimension for 9 hours, but let me tell you about my coffee." It's a little tone-deaf.
fifty(50?
You forgot a close-paren.
RPC-XXX-2-A said that there was an anomaly
Considering the instances of RPC-XXX-2 are a countable quantity, this should really be RPC-XXX-2-1. (What else are they going to do when they run out of letters?)
No audio other than CSD-9176's voice has been detected in the audio feed, both during observation and after.
Yes. It's an audio log transcript. I can already see that nothing else was in audio feed.
CSD-9176 would begin to audibly cry at this time.
Yes, I know it's an audio log. Even without that, this sentence is really awkward in a way to kill the mood.
CSD-9176's video and audio feeds would cut at this time, see Addendum-RPC-XXX-002.
This shouldn't be bold. It looks like a second heading and makes it confusing to read.
Head Researcher ██████ still has ADHD.
Har de har.
Addendum-RPC-XXX-002
It was determined that interaction with RPC-XXX-3 will allow RPC-XXX-2 to exit RPC-XXX-A.
Another example of designations making unintuitive sentences.
Further experimentation would take place.
I would've been in the dark about what I was reading if not for this incredibly helpful sentence.
CSD-8044,:
This nametag is repeatedly screwed up. Then you have a break in the blockquote that was probably accidental.
Yessir, I read you loud and, well not that clear.
I'm generous with dialogue punctuation, but this is pretty bad. How about: "Yessir, I read you loud and — well, not that clear…"
Head Researcher ██████: I need you to tell me everything you see. Especially things of note.
Pointless statement. "Tell me the things you see, but only the things you'll tell me about."
Head Researcher ██████: Experimenting. We know what one man saw, we need to know what another sees. Based on what we know, this anomaly varies between each person. That answer your question?
"Experimentation" would be a better word, though this whole exchange is an obvious waste of time.
Hello, Hello?
Misplaced capitalization.
About three foot [Footnote: One(1) Meter] by three foot [Footnote: One(1) Meter].
I don't need two repeat footnotes telling me that when a guy says "about three foot" it means "about one meter".
inside the Goddamn gas station
I guess you want to capitalize "God", but capitalizing "goddamn" just looks weird.
CSD-8044 was audibly coughing several times during the remainder of this log.
Yes, I still know it's an audio log. Tell me more about silent coughing, though.
Head Researcher ██████: You're coughing, -8044. Are you sick?
I can think of like five more logical and pressing assumptions then "are you coming down with something", but thanks, Mom.
Also, and this happens multiple times in these logs: why waste air reciting the CSD's number when there's only ever one CSD at a time? It's weird enough normally, but sometimes this even happens during tense situations.
leading to the assumption that CSD-8044 would die from acute radiation sickness.
This is someone's assumption, not verifiable information. It shouldn't be here unless it's seriously offering something to article comprehension, and it's not.
Addendum-RPC-XXX-003
Item is suspected of causing the anomalous effects of RPC-XXX.
According to…? Also, add a period.
has not be
has not been
Significance unknown
Add a period. I only say this because half of them already do and the inconsistency is ugly.
Has never appeared without RPC-XXX-4-5
Add a period.
ninty(90)
ninety
Found haphazardly laying in random locations at select iterations.
It's "lying".
lacks corporeal nature
lacks a corporeal nature
the entities will perform an animation.
Calling it an "animation" or "performance" is kind of goofy.
Addendum-RPC-XXX-004
Eighteen(18) minutes pass prior to an anomaly being sighted by RPC-XXX-2.
"Prior to an anomaly being sighted by RPC-XXX-2" is an awkward object with a passive voice and a roundabout tense. "[…] pass before RPC-XXX-2 sees an anomaly."
Referring to RPC-XXX-2's issued Geiger Counter, a device used for detecting radiation.
I've developed the superpower to use inferences. I don't need to be told, and I especially don't need a definition of "Geiger counter".
The present iteration, assumed to be iteration fifty-six(56) shows
Missing comma before "shows".
the majority [Footnote: Approx. 79%]
Cheers to the guy who spent his time estimating how much of an image in a video feed was covered, down to the exact percentage point. Must have been a slow day at the office.
Notably, RPC-XXX-4-2 is present, and in a form that is, as of 04/29/98, unique.
Rearrange this: "Notably, RPC-XXX-4-2 is present in a form that is unique as of 04/29/98."
iteration fifty-six(56) shows signs of a fire spreading through the area
Signs of a fire spreading throughout the cab are present
You keep saying this. Do you know what fire looks like? Is it beyond your wildest imagination?
severally
severely
Hey, guy, stay back.
Imagine saying this.
Intermittent screaming, assumed to be RPC-XXX-2, is found throughout the remainder of the footage.
How… subtle.
Addendum-RPC-XXX-005
[REDACTED], Kansas, United States of America
Again with the "Kansas, USA" thing and the redactions. You remember that, right? We were so young.
Observed By: Video Footage recorded by PoI-2942
These are not the observers. The observers are whoever saw PoI-2942 traveling down the highway, because that was the event… I think. (Refer to my review.)
Authority personnel embedded in the [REDACTED] Police Department intercepted communications regarding a disheveled individual travelling down Highway [REDACTED].
More ugly redactions.
Dr. ██████: Hm. We are part of a secret organization known as the RPC Authority.
Why would you ever say this? You must be incredibly weak-willed if some harmless rando going "I don't like feds" makes you spill the beans about your affiliation. Are we sure this is the interviewer and not the other way around?
Answer my question or we shall use force. Believe me, you don't want that.
Real threatening, especially after folding one second ago.
were laying on the ground
Again, it's "lying", not "laying"; but this case is dialogue so you could argue he doesn't know the difference.
The man from before along with another man and a woman, kneeling next to a large red button.
Sentence fragment.
J██: Hit it, S████!
The woman, presumed to be named S████, presses the large button.
Yes, that is probably a fair thing to presume. You can probably just do it.
Silence follows for forty-three(43) seconds.
You remember this is a video log, not just an audio log, right?
Unknown Man: Was something supposed to hap-?
Nothing happens for 43 seconds, but the moment he talks, he gets cut off? How quirky.
The camera pans to show that the machine is, in fact, missing.
"In fact" is unnecessary.
//J██, with camera in hand, approaches the machine. He reaches towards the large red button. Upon contact the camera jerks upward.
Messed up formatting. "With camera in hand" should be "with the camera in hand" or just "camera in hand". Add a comma to the last sentence.
The video feed ended immediately following the end of the log, the cause of this unknown.
I don't think it's unknown at all. I think we just saw it.
"The Boss" The "Gas Station"
Missing period. Why is "gas station" in quotes and capitalized? For that matter, why is "The Boss" capitalized? Especially the article? There's no reason for them not to just transcribe it as "the boss".
three months, however due to a lack
"However" isn't a drop-in for "but". Replace the comma with a semicolon and put a comma after "however".
activity continued
Put a comma between these two words as well.
Can't review this in earnest at this stage; You need to add everything relevant to the narrative as it all ties together holistically. What I can say is there is a lot of bits here that are better repositioned for better effect, as large craters, multi-type radiation and piles of bodies would have far more significance further down the narrative than to lead with it and to repeat in logs. I'd also advise you act out much of the dialogue as prose is quite stilted.
I personally believe you may want to brainstorm this further in text and voice chats before you go on with it, but you can work this theme just fine.
- Struck through lines suggest removal.
- Underlined lines suggest addition
- "Try:" suggests rewording entirely
RPC-XXX-A is a dimension.
You should specify alternate dimension or something similar. Dimension on its own is an incomplete descriptor. Also I recommend you include this in RPC-XXX-A's description (RPC-XXX-A is an alternate dimension comprising a seemingly infinite number of iterations). Also this paragraph should be attached to the next. Try:
..the subject is transported to RPC-XXX-A. Any attempt to leave RPC-XXX-A will result in the subject entering an iteration. Further attempts to leave will have similar results.
with differences ranging from the minute, such as a painting hanging in a bathroom, to the major, such as a pile of corpses in the center of the gas station.
I highly advise against specifically naming the examples when you can utilize them in exploration logs or addendums. Better to obfuscate this and describe them subtly. The minute example can be done without as it's not interesting on its own. Try:
with differences ranging from inconspicously minute and benigh to major and readily apparent (see addendum-XXX-003)
This dimension is believed to be unstable as travel in excess of 360 iterations in any direction results in increasing levels of alpha, beta, and gamma radiation, becoming fatal at 425 iterations. The furthest Authority drones have traveled prior to failure is 487 iterations.
This is info less relevant to the anomalous nature of the phenomena and more so to, again, an addendum segment. You can also add this at the very ending to some effect of a prior revelation in an exploration log or such to suggest a larger meaning. Where it is at the moment, unfinished draft or not, doesn't yield much effect in connection to the previous and succeeding paragraphs.
Multiple shadow-like figures have also been seen to be moving within the zone.
Kind of thrown in there without much clarification. Feels like it needs some more description as to what it could have been from an exploration log.
This time varies between instances the shortest recorded time was twelve(12) minutes and the longest recorded time was seven(7) hours.
This is egregiously verbose for a footnote with basic info. Try:
Recorded ranges from 12 minutes to 7 hours.
RPC-XXX-1 is an entity that varies in appearance. It will never leave the vicinity of the gas station. It will assume a form that varies based on the subject within RPC-XXX-A; taking the form of a person or object that the subject finds distressing.
Does the authority know for a fact that it's impossible for it to leave this vicinity? You're better off wording it differently, like "To note is RPC-XXX-1 was only recorded manifesting within the gas station's vicinity" or something along this line.
Certain forms
Why some and some? I see no description for those that can't communicate have any interesting distinctions from those who do, at least any written. You can use this as an opportunity to or simply make it a universal trait in XXX-1 instances. Forms is also an awkward term to refer them by (not to mention its meaning conflates with tangibility), you can keep using entity or subject instead.
anomalous individual
Were they anomalous? Sure one can say this is addressing the police's claim, but what brought on that assumption? Also individual is redundantly used thrice in the same paragraph, try using person and subject.
Sharon Waltz
This can be done without. OR, you can flavor this mention by giving her some relevant characterization or background history within this footnote. Keep it curt, of course.
kinda looked like weed too.
I was feelin' kinda anxious and chilled,
felt so chilled out and so nicemellow.
I saw a lot of weird shit too, like those shadow dudes and some French guys
Redundant, adds nothing insightful or interesting.
I decided to walk over to her. She said I was a coward and I agreed. I shouldn't have left but I couldn't deal it. It was too much for me. She said she understood and then I ended up in the gas station shitter. I walked out and you know the rest.
This reads very disconnected and apathetic, impersonal even. Feels like someone else is describing it secondhand rather than Morgan venting. It is also the property set to hook the reader in for the rest of the article in regards to cowardice as you've mentioned in chat. So act this out or watch a movie clip you'd base this on if it comes to it.
reintroduced to the population. released.
Following this interview, the gas station that D. Morgan spoke of was located, secured, and given an RPC designation, testing to follow.
Routine protocol is needless to say. Try:
Following the interview, the anomaly was secured and current containment protocols were implemented.
Please begin walking to the north along the highway.
CSD-9176's video and audio feeds would cut at this time, see Addendum-RPC-XXX-002. CSD-9176's brother has been confirmed to still be deceased.
It was not established beforehand, for the reader, that this brother of his was dead. So "still" comes off as solipsist (?), or rather out of the blue. I suggest it hinted in dialogue instead as that would flow more naturally. Try:
Subsequently after, the feeds cuts and CSD-9176 is transported back to baseline reality and escorted back to their holding facility.
After the abrupt conclusion of Log-RPC-XXX-001, MST Personnel stationed outside of the RPC-XXX zone identified an individual dressed as a CSD exiting the exclusion zone and moving towards them. The individual was apprehended and identified as CSD-9176. It was determined that interaction with RPC-XXX-3 will allow RPC-XXX-2 to exit RPC-XXX-A.
I understand this was a scrap from an earlier draft, but it doesn't have much to adapt from to keep it at the moment. Just remove the whole paragraph.
In order to determine the size of RPC-XXX-A, testing using drones was undergone. CSD-8044 entered the anomalous zone at 21:04, equipped identically to prior logs, with the addition of an Authority drone. This drone was equipped with a battery capable of lasting for two years on a single charge. The drone would be controlled remotely by Head Researcher ██████.
Try:
CSD-8044 was issued an identical kit from prior tests. The subject is accompanied by an Authority survey drone to determine the extent of RPC-XXX-A, equipped with an average battery life of 2 years. Said drone was remotely controlled by Head Researcher ██████ throughout the test.
/forum/t-17591674/the-gas-station#post-