GD-ASIA articulares
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/two-coin-s-side
Also my take on high ACS.
GD-ASIA articulares
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A period of communicational, financial and operational mistakes severely destabilizing the ASIACOM Pentawheel.
Note: Mostly not important, but I would start the description with:
RPC-492 is a period of communicational, financial and operational mistakes severely destabilizing the ASIACOM Pentawheel.
In addition, Site-016-CN was unable to aid with tracking.
Note: Change “In addition” to “Additionally”.
Site-014-CN, which had requested material regarding methods of handling Destabilization hazard containment breaches…
Change to:
Site-014-CN, which had requested material regarding methods of handling anomalies exhibiting Destabilization Hazard phenomena during containment breaches…
Note: On all -CN sites, I think you should add Footnotes explaining the general purposes of the site. I think most western readers would love to know more about these locations, such as Site-006-CN, is it a mine? Does it contain any anomalies? Etc etc.
Final Thoughts: I personally could not find any grammatical issues. The story itself is really interesting. I really enjoy the logomancer plot and enjoyed that concept. I like the exploration of high ACS as a concept. Honestly I can go on and on. I think this is a great draft. 5/5 bro. Good job.
“The Head Judicial Developer Ma Zhi is actively making legislation to combat possible lingering effects of RPC-492.”
What type of legislation is he pushing for? Try to include what he wants to do as part of 492’s containment procedures.
A period of communicational, financial and operational mistakes severely destabilizing the ASIACOM Pentawheel.
Updated: A period of communication, financial, and operational failures severely destabilized the ASIACOM Pentawheel.
Analysis deems this increase a statistical aberration, as it marked a near-hundredfold uptick in reported CN branch containment, acquisition and intelligence failures.
Updated: Internal analysis later classified the surge as a statistical aberration, as it represented a nearly one-hundredfold increase in reported CN Branch containment, acquisition, and intelligence failures.
5 engineers attended a course on The Applications of Geomancy in Site-CN-014, and were to develop an esoteric-space cell wing within Site-CN-010.
Updated: Five engineers attended a course titled Applications of Geomancy at Site-CN-014 and were subsequently assigned to develop an esoteric spatial containment wing within Site-CN-010.
Later analysis revealed the course-head to have used outdated and inadequate teaching material, resulting in a faulty alignment of Feng Shui forces.
Updated: Subsequent review determined that the course instructor had relied upon outdated and inadequate teaching materials, resulting in improper alignment of local geomantic (Feng Shui) forces.
All CN branch personnel stationed at primary sites, secondary sites, and areas received on 22/01/2015 a message relayed through public channels.
Updated: On 22 January 2015, all CN Branch personnel stationed at primary sites, secondary sites, and auxiliary facilities received a message transmitted through public communication channels.
The file detailed precise and concise instructions for a vast majority of CN branch employees, acquitted with consideration for both their formal expertise and personal capacity.
Updated: The document provided precise and individualized instructions for the majority of CN Branch personnel, formulated with consideration for both their formal expertise and demonstrated personal capabilities.
It succeeded in alleviating 70% of the containment breaches, save Site-CN-006 from total destruction, and restored the Site-CN-016 network to working order.
Updated: Implementation of the document’s directives resulted in the resolution of approximately 70% of ongoing containment breaches, prevented the total destruction of Site-CN-006, and restored the Site-CN-016 network to operational status.
Her account has this pinned to the top of the file.
Bizarre wording. Maybe try:
Message pinned to top of file.
RPC-492
Just a minor nitpick but please link this so I can read RPC-492.
Several diplomatic movements with the SCAA…
It's good that you linked the PCAAO. I don't know what the SCAA acronym stands for, though, so a footnote would be helpful.
CN-016
Site-CN-016
ARRRGHHHH THE BLUE ON BLACK IS HURTING MY EYES AND I CAN'T READ IT!!!
Site-CN-006 is a mine and large holding facility embedded in the Longquan Mountains, and houses industrial machinery capable of producing and processing metal and minerals used to create infrastructure or equipment.
Maybe try:
Located in the Longquan Mountains, Site-CN-006 consists of a mine and a large warehouse. It houses industrial machinery necessary for the production and processing of [list the specific metals and minerals].
…on the south Taiwanese coast, which consumes these materials to maintain and expand the Authority's both land and naval transportation and communication accessibility. It is a vital part of the ASIACOM intelligence network.
Try:
…on the southern coast of Taiwan. Site-CN-016 maintains the Authority's logistics and communications infrastructure.
No need to say it is a vital part of ASIACOM.
Site-CN-011 sees the greatest use of the literal and metaphorical road establishment. This is as it is primarily a Research & Development facility, seeing a frequent in and outflow of personnel, information, anomalous assets and equipment.
This paragraph doesn't really explain anything outside of Site-CN-011 being an R&D facility. Maybe elaborate on what exactly it researches and develops?
The rest of the Pentawheel blockquote has very bizarre, un-clinical wording (i.e. "Indeed, many have voiced contempt to this model. And while I agree…"). It feels like it cannot decide whether it wants to be a personal letter written by the CN Secretary of Finance or an official notice of how the Pentawheel works. I'd highly recommend re-wording it to be one or the other.
The entirety of the Five Elements Crisis's description should be rewritten. Maybe just mention that a certain amount of operational failures occurred at Pentawheel sites, maybe say some of the most important ones (i.e. devastating coal-seam fire and the communications going down), mention that Mania Logia deduced the problem but were unable to alert the rest of the pentawheel due to broken communications, and then finish it with how Ma Zhi solved the crisis.
[Zhang Hàorán begins guiding Ma Zhi through Site-CN-005…and a group of 15 auditors writing over each other on the same whiteboard. Zhang Hàorán.]
Maybe reword this? Try:
[Zhang Hàorán guides Ma Zhi through Site-CN-005.]
And then as they walk through the various rooms (with some dialogue between them) include people acting hysterically.
People are so easily made nonsensical, insane. This shit is why we have economic depressions.
What? Is Zhang blaming bad economies on Logimancy or something?
Also:
You'll go just as mad.
The dialogue is weird, but I think I can chalk that up to it likely being literally translated from Chinese, so good job!
Also, the italicized text should probably be capitalize, i.e.:
Desecrate their tajitu. Violate their unity. Drive them from the mountains of Wuji. etc. etc.
…and briefly pauses in shock.
How do we know her emotions from watching this video?
The last two paragraphs of this video log are wonky. I'd recommend changing it to something like "Remaining footage corrupted due to film deterioration caused by hypercoherency" or something like that. Then expand on what happened after the film got corrupted in an interview with Zhang.
The document heavily customized modified the command order;
Shortly after this message, Ma Zhi was found and agreed to be held in Site-CN-005.
Why was she held if she saved the day? There's no reason stated.
Dialogue in Ma Zhi Interview 7 is odd. Ma says so much in certain segments yet Zhang says so little. I'd recommend updating this segment because conversations aren't usually "one guy speaks a wall of text while the other guy says like four words."
There has been a misinformation pandemic.
Funny line, but I'd recommend rewording it to "Attention: Misinformation!" or something along those lines.
Did you intend to make the email address Song Mao sent a blue link or no?
A video tape captured Wang Long entering
I don't think you're allowed to watch those tapes on the Authority dime, Researcher.
In all seriousness, you should change "A video tape" to "Security footage".
This is completely evil behavior, and the crime will not go unpunished.
I mentioned earlier that some of the weirdness of the dialogue could be chalked up to literal translation but I don't think the Chinese talk like medieval magistrates.
An estimated 95% of the site’s staff is crowded in what forms 1% of its total area. They are screaming, pushing, and walking over each other.
Maybe describe this more viscerally and/or with more detail?
Why are the mysterious voice's lines in block quotes when they can just be normal quotes, i.e.:
Voice: Are you ready?
The "Tape content" log has this bizarre thing where one guy speaks in multiple paragraphs. Formatting for this one could use some work.
This draft has a good premise, but could use a lot of work.
There were many aspects of this article that I enjoyed. I liked the informative footnotes (and it'd be great if you'd include more; as a rule if the reader might have to google it or read a whole new article for it, it is best to include a footnote). I also found that naming the curses right off the bat made for some good foreshadowing and made me really excited to read about the "Crowd Crush Incident." I thought the romance between Ma and Zhang was cute. The dialogue was odd, but I chalked it up to being literally translated from Chinese, and if that was what you were going for then good job!
This article's greatest weakness is that the wording can be bizarre in certain places. Several parts could use some heavy rewriting, either to make the dialogue flow more naturally or to reword things to a more clinical tone. You could also use a lot of work on grammar and (in some cases) spelling.
Finally, a minor nitpick but maybe include the title of your collapsible after you show it instead of five dashes so the reader knows where they're at, like how I'm doing in this post.
/forum/t-17584291/gd-asia-articulares#post-