I need a revision of everything, from the grammar to the way i wrote some of the details, if i need to shorten it or to explain it on a different way or even to add something else.
P.D: the dates on the draft are redacted temporarily because i'm still thinking on a timeline that makes sense.
There are many points I see you've attempted to connect but never offer anything insightful by association in theme or concept, let alone in isolation. To reiterate (so we're on the same page), She happens to be an English Teacher from Columbia (I understand this is a personal nod) who's been afflicted by anomalous powers when she's 21. Said powers grant her control over others and has a nullification field. Now it's possible to connect seemingly random things together, in fact it's most fun and whimsical when it's pulled off, but there wasn't much new said by connecting these bits as it stands.
The interview only serves to provide exposition, which was onto an interesting backstory when it brought up these exclusion zones, but it ends on it happening while leaving much to be desired regarding how that may had to do with manifesting her anomalous traits. You can also use heftier language to show wear and exhaustion of being 107 years (RPC-117 puts this to excellent use); Perhaps this is just me but this currently reads like a hesitant teenager than a sage of some reclusion.
Moreover, I don't see a point to the nullification effect, or how it connects to her more significant (thus interesting) body-possession ability. My best guess is these guerrilla militants were weaponizing civilians and that was a defensive ability by their design, which would be a grabbing insinuation and not only would it give credence to the effect but serve as the general theme: War torn history where you are made a weapon, covered in journal entries. All of this is my speculation to what's currently an article that doesn't suggest this direction, let alone where it's heading at all.
Lastly, the reason to use 057 is never properly clarified. Ask yourself: why specifically 057, and what insight are researchers anticipating to learn from using it on her? Was poetry suspected to have caused the effect and therefore reason to employ it; in fact, must it? Otherwise it does not add anything to the narrative. I fail to see a meaningful connection beyond serving as a simple nod.
That said, you have a lot going on here but also lots of potential how it can be tied down. Personally I was grabbed by the prospect of anomalies living undetected (for decades!) and prior knowledge of and admittance to the authority. The largest issue with this draft is a lack of direction and general theme, and I figure a post-war anomalously weaponized population is worth exploring and incorporating as it would fit right in. There's also the potential to connect the body-possession property viscerally by making it so the hair strands are not limbs (which would imply have muscle) but are dulled nerve endings, which would give weight to its logic in the eeriest sense possible.
I foresee much will be developed and rewritten, so I'm ignoring broken English as it should be your focus after you flesh this out.
Due to this ability, the RPC-XXX has been forced to study and memorize anatomy books
Forced by whom? I also figure if it is the authority then she would be more compliant to be forced to. After all, she did admit herself to them, no?
My abilities manifested eleven days after my 21st birthday, i went to sleep that night like every other night; there was nothing strange. In the morning i was already like this, that was all.
It's hard to believe you'd remember exactly when it occurred, especially decades back. Wouldn't you say it's more plausible she would rather give a date range (if 2012, 20s-30s) when she was afflicted and her halted age is estimated by researchers? Moreover, I see no reason to redact much of the dates, especially as that would give us good perspective how far back we are talking.
Its quite disturbing, the subject looks and acts like a human, it came by it's own will, i wonder about that last thing it told, how many of these anomalies are evading us, maybe for longer than it did.
No reason for the doctors to comment on it being disturbing, given it's their job to explore the unknown which more often than not is just that.
Sensors have detected a slight anomalous signature, indicating that the override is still active on a slight level.
I get the anomaly stays active at a distance, but what is "override" referring to; Anomalous signature overriding what, distance from the RPC?
Your incident terminology should be something like Incident-RPC-XXX-001. Letters following the anomaly designation are typically used for instances of the anomaly or variations thereof.
Your dialog is, without a doubt, horrid. English clearly isn't your first language so fair enough. 25th birthday rather than birthday 25.
Authority scientists would not be as oblivious as they seem to be.
Another note, why? This appears to be about an immortal Columbian chick with a foot "thing". I don't see why this would make a good addition to the wiki.
There are other comments but that's what were big for me.
Personal thing, but I really don't think hazard images look good on here. It makes the entire top section look all fucked up.
RPC-XXX has a semi-free containment situation in the site-031-1, spending its days in a standard containment cell.
Its privileges include a standard bed, a simple attached bathroom, books selected by the RPC-XXX and approved by the staff, and some pencils and notebooks for writing or drawing.
The RPC-XXX has allowed supervised walks on common areas and recreational zones for humanoid entities.
Whole things reads choppy and the tone is really informal. I'd suggest keeping the size of paragraphs to three sentences long. Making so many little paragraphs makes the text sound and feel disjointed. Also, you don't say "The RPC-XXX", just "RPC-XXX". It's never prefixed by "the" unless you say "the instance" or "the anomaly". Furthermore, "site", when talking about an Authority site, is always capitalized (also, what is the -1 on the site designation supposed to mean?). I'd reword it like so:
RPC-XXX is contained at Site-031-1 in a standard humanoid containment cell, with supervised, free-roaming privileges. Its living space is furnished with: one twin mattress, one en-suite bathroom,, writing and coloring utensils, notebooks, and an assorted collection of approved requested literature.
Even so, I still find the conprots very lacking, and they say nothing about what to do in regards to the anomaly's… well, anomalousness.
The subject has the appearance of a female humanoid between 19 - 21 years old, approximately 5'2 feet tall (158 cm) with pale skin, droopy eyelids with Grey irises, and long hair that goes down the tights.
Completely unnecessary filler at the start, and weirdly specific details that sounds very informal. Hell, the entire thing is far too specific on its physical appearance down to "droopy eyelids". Also, incorrect capitalization. Change to:
A female humanoid in its early 20s, roughly 5'2" with a pale complexion, gray eyes, and thigh-long hair.
The subject uses clothes given by the staff, which include a blue T-shirt with the RPC authority symbol, black shorts, and black leggings below the shorts
Incredibly unnecessary information. I don't think it's scientifically relevant that it likes to have it toes out 24/7. Also, "subject" would be the term used for people something is being tested on. The anomaly itself is just "the anomaly", "RPC-XXX". I'd honestly just remove this entirely or say in the conprots that it is given authority clothes and such.
Various analysis have verified that the RPC-XXX has the ability to control its own hair, each hair strand in an independent way. The subject uses this as extra limbs, making it acquire the density of subdermic needles or steel. As a secondary effect of the RPC-XXX capacity to change its capillary density, it has been discovered that the subject can control the bodies of third parties using its hardened strands and inserting them into the skin pores. Test subjects who survived have declared that "there is no pain when it happens".
SUUUUUUPPPPEEERRR wordy and repeats words a whole lot. One hanging sentence over the paragraph too. I'd change it to:
RPC-XXX can manipulate each individual strand of hair in its body, employing them as additional limbs. It is also able to modify their density to that steel. As a result of this, RPC-XXX can manipulate other living creatures by inserting hair into their skin pores using high-density hair bundles to manipulate their muscles. Subjects claim to feel no pain during the process.
Due to this ability, the RPC-XXX has understook an extensive study of anatomy textbooks, both human and animal, following the incident RPC-XXX-B.
I feel you could specify the kind of book it reads and perhaps tutoring from people at the Research Division in the conprot section. Anyways, I'd refine this to:
This is not a skill inherent to RPC-XXX's extended proprioception, and requires extensive anatomical knowledge. Following Incident RPC-XXX-B, it has taken up to studying mammalian morphology via textbooks and personal tutoring.
The RPC-XXX has a nullification ability that can be activated voluntarily, manifesting as an invisible field that affects anomalous effects within a radius of 25 meters around her. This ability is only effective if the entity's conscious intent is to nullify or reduce an anomalous effect and its present on its hair as well. It has been discovered that this ability is ineffective against physical anomalous abilities (strength, speed, or regeneration) or anomalies catalized strong emotional states.
This anomaly could be it's own article, and has no thematic connection to the hair thing. WHY does it even have this???? The description feels very game-y as well. Not that much wrong grammatically with it, but I'd seriously reconsider adding it.
The RPC-XXX hasn't shown any signs of physical or mental degradation caused by aging. Thanks to various tests, it has been found that the RPC-XXX exhibits a mild regenerative capacity and lacks a sense of pain. Depending on the severity of the injury, the recovery can take from seconds to weeks or months.
Very intense side-eye from me, arteuscore even
At the beginning, it was thought that its pain insensivity was an advantage on missions. After some incidents, it was demonstrated that it was a weakness. The RPC-XXX didn't feel the damage taken and had to spend long periods sleeping, during wich metabolic activity is focused entirely on healing the affected part.
Kind of irrelevant information to put here? I feel this could be chopped up and placed across different parts of the other paragraphs.
The singular test here just feels incredibly random and lacking in substance to add any character to RPC-XXX or her abilities/situation. Very informal as well.
I think it's pretty mediocre in its current state. The article doesn't have much depth in her character nor in her abilities. The addendums are mostly retellings of what we already know or can guess about in regards to the anomaly. Feels very OC-ish in terms of it just being "a person" that has powers that just sort of happened to them. I'd suggest rethinking the direction you want this article to go to. Maybe something more in-depth for how they became like this? More extensive usage of the anomaly for Authority interests? Idk. maybe read some other humanoid anomalies to get inspiration from.
RPC-XXX uses standard clothes given by the staff.
Irrelevant and offers nothing. Recommend removing.
It is also able to modify their density to that of steel.
Grammar error.
As a result of this, RPC-XXX can manipulate other living creatures by inserting hair into their skin pores using high-density hair bundles to manipulate their muscles.
The logical flow here is wrong. As a result of having strong hair the RPC can control people? Doesn't make sense. Reword to:
RPC-XXX can also manipulate other living creatures by inserting hair into their skin pores using high-density hair bundles to manipulate their muscles.
Following Incident RPC-XXX-001, the Research Division mandated a study of mammalian morphology via textbooks and personal tutoring to prevent further collateral damage.
Why? Would it not be easier to just tell it to not do that anymore. Furthermore, what if it attempts to escape? Why would the Authority provide it with the knowledge it needs to have a better chance of escaping? There is a potential good answer for this (Authority could want to use it as a potential asset). However, you haven't shown any reason the Authority would want to do this, so currently this doesn't make sense for the Authority to do.
Thanks to As a result of various tests, it has been found that RPC-XXX exhibits a mild regenerative capacity and lacks a sense of pain.
Writing here could be more clinical.
The instance was found in a house of 30 m².
Size of the house is irrelevant. You could just say that it was found in its house. Otherwise the current sentence just wastes space.
Alright, since how long When did your abilities first manifest?
Grammar Error.
Since When I was in my 20s, the only thing I still can recall is that it happened before my 25th birthday
Following previous comment
I worked, as an english teacher, in ColombiaEnd Sentence Here There is something called "teacher competitions", End Sentence Here As a teacher i signed up, selected an area and waited for a position anywhereEnd Sentence Here, I usually selected what they called "red zones", zones of guerrilla, of armed conflict,End Sentence Here the risk bonus was kind of worth it, and i signed up for a new position every 2 to 3 years,End Sentence Here in those placesAdd Comma Here no one cares about "the young teacher", and the government never paid enough attentionEnd Sentence Here , they didn’t careEnd Sentence Here , they just needed someone to do the hard workEnd Sentence Here , they never searched because I never gave them a reason to.
Grammar Errors. Mostly run on sentences.
What about the armed presence in those places?, they usually recruit civilians.
Remove Comma, Capitalize "They"
There's going to be a lot of "End Sentence" so I'm going to use "End" from here on out.
I kept out of their way, head downEnd, never talking about my personal political beliefs in publicEnd, i was just a teacherEnd, i was polite, and then, after 3 years, i left the area for another position in another department.
[silence] When the MTS found you, they said you did not show anything else other than confusion,End why?
[pause] I thought it was the ELNEnd, it is not unnusual unusual that those kind of people enter other people's houses to hide from the military. In those situations the best someone can do is stay still and pray for them to go, or get caught.
You have a very interesting idea here: someone who can puppet others through its hair. However, the key problem is that you don't do anything with that. You just state it and that's it. You also veer off into an immortality bend for some reason, and also do nothing with that either.
RPC-XXX is by all intents and purposes a character, but that character isn't expanded on in any way. The following is a just a small list of ways to expand her:
Capture Status
Powers
Previous Power Experiences
I also don't like the immortality angle chosen. It doesn't add anything to the character or the powers brought about already. Granted, there's a way to make it work. But in its current state, it's just a distraction.
We also have the power's origin. Another interesting idea that doesn't go anywhere. RPC-XXX has no idea, but that shouldn't stop the Authority from trying to find out. The Authority should be expending extensive effort to find out how the hell some woman got puppet hair and immortality and more importantly, if it can happen again.
Through that, the Authority could perhaps gain some insight into the anomaly's origin. Some ideas:
There are plenty of ideas that could lend themselves to further expansion of the article to give it more punch.
Overall, you've done a good job setting up the RPC itself. The RPC certainly exists and has a good foundation. However, nothing is done with that foundation, leaving the article forgettable. This can easily be fixed with some expansion. I'd say the article is about 70% done. Just some interactions I mentioned above (or your own) to leave the reader something to take home. Will you leave me with the question of how one would deal with having the power to control others? How one would handle immortality? Or perhaps lay the foundation for some insidious threat that the Authority has to deal with.
There's plenty of potential here, you just have to realize it.
Keep up the good work.
