Humanoid RPC Draft
I need a revision of everything, from the grammar to the way i wrote some of the details, if i need to shorten it or to explain it on a different way or even to add something else.
Humanoid RPC draft
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» Humanoid RPC draft
Summary:
this is the first time i write an article, i would be thankful because i need plenty of feedback on this one.
Its living space is furnished with: one twin mattress, one en-suite bathroom, writing and coloring utensils, notebooks, and an assorted collection of approved requested literature.
Break paragraph with space between the 1st and 2nd paragraph.
Paragraphs should be 2 sentences minimum. The way that
RPC-XXX is a female humanoid in its early 20s, roughly 1.58 meters with a pale complexion, gray eyes, and thigh-long hair.
Just has a paragraph break right after isn't standard grammar.
with a pale complexion, gray eyes, and thigh-long hair.
Use empirical measurement in cm of how long it is exactly.
each individual strand of hair in its head,
each individual strand of hair on its head,
It is also able to modify their density to that of steel.
It is also able to modify their density to 7,000 - 8,000 kg/m³.
Retrospective evaluation indicates that RPC-XXX deliberately suppressed the utilization and development of its anomalous traits during its 80 year civilian tenure, maintaining employment as an educator in isolated sectors strictly for economic subsistence. Despite the potential lethality of this mechanism, RPC-XXX has never willingly trained, or utilized its anomalous traits since their initial manifestation during its university studies.
RPC-XXX deliberately suppressed the utilization and development of its anomalous traits during its 80-year civilian tenure, maintaining employment as an educator in isolated sectors strictly for economic subsistence. Despite the potential lethality of this anomalous property, RPC-XXX has never willingly trained or utilized its anomalous traits since its initial manifestation during its university studies.
Break paragraph after this
As a result of various tests, it has been found that RPC-XXX exhibits a mild regenerative capacity and lacks a sense of pain.
Medical lab tests revealed that RPC-XXX exhibits a mild regenerative capacity and congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP).
RPC-XXX was found on 3/02/2080
?
Why not set her birth to 1917? NC articles don't really get traction and there isn't a point in making one if it's not gonna drastically change how the world/canon works in any meaningful way.
There isn't any meaningful event that happened in the 1990s when compared to WW1, WW2, or the Colombia–Peru War.
RPC-XXX-001 - test log
You need numerous test logs first, starting with smaller animals and using CSD test subjects as the finale. 3 should be enough.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
What I like:
1. I like the idea of someone who controls people with hair. I think I've heard it somewhere, but the visual you've provided is genuinely disturbing and has me go "Ouch" or wince a bit.
2. I like the psychological report at the end. It feels, well, clinical, and it's something I'm surprised hasn't shown up before in any ConFiction before.
3. I like the attempt to humanize the anomaly without sacrificing the professional, emotionless tone that a report would have. I just wish there was more of it.
What I dislike:
1. The article uses lots of confusing language. Sometimes, I can't tell if you're referring to the RPC or CSD/test subject with all the times you use "instance" and "subject. Also the RPC apparently being a human-like creature and not a human?
2. I feel like you don't do enough with the subject's abilities and the horror that comes from them. She has the ability to manipulate people through horrific means but it doesn't seem to bother them that much. I know that the affected subjects apparently have their pain suppressed, but I still think you could describe how it feels uneasy for them. Maybe have the section with a human subject have dialog instead of it being described to us by the article?
3. The character's inconsistent age was bothersome and didn't really contribute much to the story. I think that you should focus on her hair ability and just cut her being immortal, or find a better way to work that into the story. Maybe her longevity comes from her ability? Perhaps she drains the life from her "victims" but she feels guilt for these actions. Something like that.
4. Generally, I think that you don't do enough to express the character's emotions. While I praised your attempt to do so, I think you could have her say more in the interview, and maybe even have a second interview as part of the psychological report. In the interview, she just says facts about herself when asked. I don't really feel her emotions as strongly as I should.
5. I feel like a lot of things about her, such as her psychological duress, should be mentioned in her description. You also mention her being in her 80s and resembling someone in her 20s but don't explicitly state that she's immortal.
There's something else that I forgot to mention, so I will either edit this post to include it or talk to you on Discord about it once I remember. I honestly think this article needs a few more drafts. It's a halfway carved statue: I see what you're going for, but there are a lot of rough patches.
RPC-XXX is contained at Site-031-1 within standard humanoid containment cell with supervised free-roaming privileges. Its living space is furnished with: one twin mattress, one en-suite bathroom, writing and coloring utensils, notebooks, and an assorted collection of approved requested literature.
Suggestion: This sentence is grammatically sound aside from "en-suite", which should be "in-suite". However, I think you could afford to elaborate on what these free-roaming priviledges include. Maybe say her clearance levels are equivalent to a Level 1 or 2 staff member?
RPC-XXX is prohibited from extending its hair outside of designated testing zones; the instance’s hair must remain styled on tightly bound arrangements to prevent accidents.
Suggestion: I would designate specific testing zones and describe why these cells are apparently better equipped to safely test the girl's boundaries.
RPC-XXX is a female humanoid in its early 20s, roughly 158 centimeters1 with a pale complexion, gray eyes, and hair measuring 95 cm in length. RPC-XXX can manipulate each individual strand of hair in its head, employing them as prehensile appendages.
Question/Suggestion: Is there any reason to classify her as a unique type of humanoid and not just an anomalous human? If you're going to classify her as such, I would add a little section or a footnote noting that her DNA is different from ours.
It is also able to modify their density to 7,000 - 8000 kg/m³.
Suggestion: I would elaborate on how this effects her. Does she experience any pain or changes in weight as a result of this ability? Does she feel heavier?
As a result of this, RPC-XXX can also manipulate other living creatures by inserting hair into their skin pores using high-density hair bundles to manipulate their muscles.
Suggestion: I would reword this as follows:
Using this ability, RPC-XXX can also manipulate other (organic? living?) entities by inserting its hair follicles into an entity's natural pours and taking control of their muscles with high-density hair bundles.
Also, if someone can be released by this RPC with their mind in-tact, I'd like to know what it feels like. Are the subjects in any pain? Euphoria? Can they even remember what it felt like? Also, are its abilities limited only to animals, or can it control other biological organisms like plants or larger fungi?
This process works as an extension of its own nervous system; to avoid the overload of motor stimuli, the instance body developed systemic analgesia2 as a defense mechanism.
I'm sorry if I come off as stupid here, but by "instance body", do you mean the creature or the people/animals it controls?
RPC-XXX deliberately suppressed the utilization and development of its anomalous traits during its 80 year civilian tenure, maintaining employment as an educator in isolated sectors strictly for economic subsistence.
I'm getting a bit of whiplash here. Earlier in the article, we're told that this being is in her early 20's as a matter of fact, not just on a surface level:
RPC-XXX is a female humanoid in its early 20s,
But here, we're told that this creature is at least 80+ years old. Did you mean to say she outwardly appears to be in her early 20s? Has she aged at all since entering containment?
I'd remove the second "Columbia" and say "in rural areas across the country".
At the arrival,
Consider:
Upon being located,
Also, I think mentioning a specific MST or ASF taskforce would help explain how the Authority caught her and it'd be more consistent with other articles.
Dr. ██████
Why is the doctor's name censored, but not the town and university the RPC used to live at? Also, is this an incident log or a test log? The name is confusing.
Due to the subject’s non porous synthetic surface, RPC-XXX was unable to employ microscopic dermal insertion.
Consider:
Due to the mannequin's inorganic nature, RPC-XXX was unable to assert control over it in the fashion it controls organic entities.
When instructed to move the subject, RPC-XXX successfully suspended the subject,
Consider:
RPC-XXX successfully suspended the subject upon being instructed to do so. However, the mannequin's movements were erratic and lacked rhythm.
After the test, the Subject was put under revision.Th
You're missing a space in the area I bolded.
RPC-XXX successfully increased its hair density and inserted three (3) hair strands into the subject’s dorsal pores.
Consider:
RPC-XXX successfully entered the subject's dorsal pores.
Initial insertion achieved full connection without triggering anomalous behavioral responses or significant spikes in telemetry.
I'm kind of confused as to what this means. Did you mean the rat was mind controlled to completely ignore the woman or that it behaved as it normally would after it was controlled by the entity? The next sentence seems to imply the latter, but it's still confusing.
indicated a catastrophic spike in the subject's heart rate and vocalization frequency.
Consider:
indicated a drastic increase in the subject's heart rate and vocalization frequency.
The subject sustained closed fractures in the left femur and fibula due to the abrupt, uncoordinated force of the forced movement. The test was terminated immediately to prevent further trauma.
Dr. ██████ asked RPC-XXX to make CSD-7648 simulate walking movement, following initial hesitation, RPC-XXX complied.
Consider:
Dr. ██████ asked RPC-XXX to make CSD-7648 walk. Following initial protest, RPC-XXX complied.
CSD-7648 limbs
Typo! You forgot to include a comma. Also, I would join the sentence this fragment is from with the next sentence since they're both rather short.
General comment on the 4
Suggestion: I'd replace "further trauma" with "unnecessary damage".
Dr. ██████: [silence] Excuse me, did you say 1948? that's….70 years.
This is getting really confusing. Early 20s, 80s, and now 70s? And then the article goes back to the 80 figure.
I'd also rewrite the sentence to the following:
Excuse me, did you say 1948? That would make you 70 years old.
RPC-XXX: Yes, i’m aware i do not look my age.
Typo! You forgot to capitalize the Is here.
RPC-XXX: When I was in my 20s, the only thing I can still recall is that it happened before my 25th birthday.
Consider:
RPC-XXX: I can't remember when I first discovered my (ability? power?), but I know it was before my 25th birthday.
My abilities manifested in my 20s.
This is redundant, I'd recommend cutting it.
Dr. ██████: How did you manage to go unnoticed for over 80 years?
Correction: It'd be 70 years.
Dr. ██████: Do you find your abilities useful, or are they a burden?
Consider:
Dr. ██████: Would you consider your abilities to be helpful or harmful?
it isn’t scary or awesome,
Typo! You forgot to capitalize the "It".
, it’s more like having an extra limb i was forced to hide for eighty years.
Typo! You forgot to capitalize the I. Also, another instance of 80 years. These are the last times I'll bring up smaller grammatical errors or timeline inconsistencies since I know you're smart enough to notice these on a further rereading.
Dr. ██████: What about the armed presence in those places? They usually recruit civilians.
Question: I'm not too familiar with this, but if by recruit you mean conscript, don't most militaries conscript men for the most part?
Dr. ██████: Still, it’s hard to believe you went unnoticed for so long around others.
Consider:
Dr. ██████: It is difficult to believe that you went unnoticed for such a long time.
I feel like the last two pieces of dialog are unnecessary. Most people would be scared and confused if they were caught by undercover soldiers like that. Also, it would be helpful if you mentioned Romeo-7 earlier where it would make more sense instead of the end of the interview. Also, I would put the interview first and containment logs next.
Lastly for this section, the interview just kind of… ends. The scientist doesn't say "Thank you, this interview is concluded" nor does the RPC say anything.
Age: 107
I know I said I'd stop, but please, please decide on an age for her. This is the fourth age you've given for her.
The instance was referred for a psychological assessment due to concerns regarding persistent dissociative episodes, difficulty concentrating, and frequent startle response to loud noises. These symptoms have reportedly impacted its containment situation and interaction with the staff.
Consider:
The subject was referred to for psychological evaluation due to concerns regarding persistent dissociative episodes and other symptoms of distress.
During dissociative episodes, the hair exhibits 'nesting' behavior, tightly wrapping around the instance as a defensive reflex.
I feel like you could have mentioned this in the anomaly's description, same with her psychological disorders.
There are probably other grammatical errors here that I missed, but I trust you to find them.
There are many points I see you've attempted to connect but never offer anything insightful by association in theme or concept, let alone in isolation. To reiterate (so we're on the same page), She happens to be an English Teacher from Columbia (I understand this is a personal nod) who's been afflicted by anomalous powers when she's 21. Said powers grant her control over others and has a nullification field. Now it's possible to connect seemingly random things together, in fact it's most fun and whimsical when it's pulled off, but there wasn't much new said by connecting these bits as it stands.
The interview only serves to provide exposition, which was onto an interesting backstory when it brought up these exclusion zones, but it ends on it happening while leaving much to be desired regarding how that may had to do with manifesting her anomalous traits. You can also use heftier language to show wear and exhaustion of being 107 years (RPC-117 puts this to excellent use); Perhaps this is just me but this currently reads like a hesitant teenager than a sage of some reclusion.
Moreover, I don't see a point to the nullification effect, or how it connects to her more significant (thus interesting) body-possession ability. My best guess is these guerrilla militants were weaponizing civilians and that was a defensive ability by their design, which would be a grabbing insinuation and not only would it give credence to the effect but serve as the general theme: War torn history where you are made a weapon, covered in journal entries. All of this is my speculation to what's currently an article that doesn't suggest this direction, let alone where it's heading at all.
Lastly, the reason to use 057 is never properly clarified. Ask yourself: why specifically 057, and what insight are researchers anticipating to learn from using it on her? Was poetry suspected to have caused the effect and therefore reason to employ it; in fact, must it? Otherwise it does not add anything to the narrative. I fail to see a meaningful connection beyond serving as a simple nod.
That said, you have a lot going on here but also lots of potential how it can be tied down. Personally I was grabbed by the prospect of anomalies living undetected (for decades!) and prior knowledge of and admittance to the authority. The largest issue with this draft is a lack of direction and general theme, and I figure a post-war anomalously weaponized population is worth exploring and incorporating as it would fit right in. There's also the potential to connect the body-possession property viscerally by making it so the hair strands are not limbs (which would imply have muscle) but are dulled nerve endings, which would give weight to its logic in the eeriest sense possible.
I foresee much will be developed and rewritten, so I'm ignoring broken English as it should be your focus after you flesh this out.
Due to this ability, the RPC-XXX has been forced to study and memorize anatomy books
Forced by whom? I also figure if it is the authority then she would be more compliant to be forced to. After all, she did admit herself to them, no?
My abilities manifested eleven days after my 21st birthday, i went to sleep that night like every other night; there was nothing strange. In the morning i was already like this, that was all.
It's hard to believe you'd remember exactly when it occurred, especially decades back. Wouldn't you say it's more plausible she would rather give a date range (if 2012, 20s-30s) when she was afflicted and her halted age is estimated by researchers? Moreover, I see no reason to redact much of the dates, especially as that would give us good perspective how far back we are talking.
Its quite disturbing, the subject looks and acts like a human, it came by it's own will, i wonder about that last thing it told, how many of these anomalies are evading us, maybe for longer than it did.
No reason for the doctors to comment on it being disturbing, given it's their job to explore the unknown which more often than not is just that.
Sensors have detected a slight anomalous signature, indicating that the override is still active on a slight level.
I get the anomaly stays active at a distance, but what is "override" referring to; Anomalous signature overriding what, distance from the RPC?
- Clinical tone largely lacking, lots of informal tone.
- Unnecessary bold markdown on "there is no pain when it happens."
- Include a footnote for "anosmia" with its definition
I would have not picked this up again if not for your eagerness to publish this despite writer's block and real life getting in the way, so let's start with that it's still pretty bare bones. The anomaly's abilities are basic with unrealized potential you haven't dipped into. There also isn't any theme to tie any of her abilities, origins and background together in any sense, she just happens to have had a rough life and made rougher by lack of aging and prehensible hair. As said before, nothing about her background as a teacher nor the red zones make any allusion let alone say about a relevant strife, or cause of the anomaly. The discovery log makes a neat example of what we already know about her puppeteering abilities, but nothing more.
You can head in many directions relevant to the puppeteer teacher angle; perhaps she was a stringent teacher in the red zones by demand, that she couldn't live up to their impossible standards. Even better, this could lead into militia in these red zones to turn her passion of teaching into indoctrination, and the puppeteering ability was an extension of that provided by the militants in some way. This would give her character substance too as that's a common fear of an aspiring teacher, especially if she finds solace in it within all the chaos.
I figured even though you expressed having just started working on implementing ICFD's crit, that I should share my thoughts with a fresh set of eyes months later. As I've said on discord, just make it exist before making it good to avoid the writer's block.
accidental incidents accidents
RPC-XXX has the appearance of is a female humanoid in its early 20s
Furthermore, the instance exhibits a total insensitivity to physical pain; this neurological alteration
Since you're getting technical, consider incorporating CIP or coming up with a medical manner that causes the insensitivity to pain (intentional damage to nociceptors?). Since she needs so much understanding of anatomy, why not opt her background to that of a medical student or a mad doctor self-inflicting her self with this condition (or anomaly as a whole)?
3/02/2080
I'm still iffy on insisting she gains her powers in the 90s just cause it was at the height of instability in Columbia, as you don't really go much into how that lead to changing her. Reading so far into the future and giving so little to go by after 80 is not only distracting but it is so much so that it betrays the purpose of pushing the dates so far by barely justifying it. She could have been afflicted in the past but cryogenically frozen until 90s where she was broken out, perhaps she was a weapon or some doctor's mad attempt at keeping a loved one alive? That can lead to a closer date to baseline and would be FAR more plausible and interesting than keeping it as conflicting and, frankly, boring as it stands.
traumatic dislocation of all major limb joints.
It's okay but it's hard to believe she messed up a walk that it led to all major limbs at the upper torso dislocate too.
Please state your full name, birth date and place of origin for the record.
those are That's….107 years.
Yes, i’m aware i do not appear them look my age.
You can add some indication of irritation here, too.
I still can still recall
i was forced to hide for eighty years.
What exactly about her appearance that is compromising a normal looking woman in her 20s? Grey eyes are real, too. She can do a superman wearing glasses bit and get away with it every 10 years before changing identities; that's far more plausible and less severe than go hiding for years, which offers nothing notable in dialogue either.
Reading back on this, it's likely you that you just misused the word "hide" here, as it would mean living isolated away from society.
Still, how did you manage for people not to notice you weren't getting older? it's hard to believe you went unnoticed for so long around others.
MTS
Who?
ELN
Who?
Eitherway, you should add a footnote to lesser known acronyms.
RPC-XXX is a human female in its early 20s, roughly 158 centimeters with a pale complexion, gray eyes, and hair measuring 95 cm in length.
Try:
RPC-XXX is an anthropomorphic entity resembling a human female in her 20s. Subject has a standing height of 158 cm, pale skin, grey eyes, and 95 cm long hair.
instance
Instance is typically describes a derivative of the base anomaly, i.e RPC-XXX-A or RPC-XXX-1. Use entity instead.
RPC-XXX has never willingly trained, or utilized its anomalous traits since their initial manifestation during its university studies.
During its university studies? As opposed to ever using them? If she did use them, then conversly it would be worth noting too. I assume you don't mean so given you mention it's lifelong in the next sentence. Try:
RPC-XXX has not shown intent on using its anomalous abilities, and proclaims this has been the case since their manifestation.
Due to this lifelong suppression, the instance lacks fine motor control and precision over its prehensile abilities, resulting in a severe localized danger of accidental activation. Following Incident RPC-XXX-003, the instance is now prohibited to use this ability under any circumstances.
It does not make sense to prohibit the instance from doing something out of their control and already against their wishes. Try:
As a result, its hair appendages have underdeveloped motor control, which typically cause an influx of involuntary movements. Said spasms have been deemed a safety hazard following Incident-003.
Medical lab tests revealed that RPC-XXX exhibits a mild regenerative capacity and congenital insensitivity to pain (CIP)
Hasn't she developed systemic analgesia? If she already had CIP, which is a congenital condition, how does she develop systemic analgesia in the first place? In fact how is gaining this condition gauged without mixing it to CIP's effect?
Depending on the severity of the injury, the recovery can take from seconds to weeks or months.
Give us a frame of reference for the type of wound, especially compared to human regeneration. Also, are we saying she can regenerate whole limbs or is it akin to what can be generated by a human?
Still, it’s hard to believe you went unnoticed for so long around others.
Who else would not notice?
I worked, as an english teacher, in Colombia.
Remove the commas. Capitalize English.
There is something what's called a "teacher competitions".
As a teacher I signed up, selected an area and waited for a position anywhere. I usually selected what they called "red zones", zones of armed conflict. The risk bonus was kind of worth it, and I signed up for a new position every 2 to 3 years. In those places, no one cares about "the young teacher", and the government never paid enough attention. They didn’t care. They just needed someone to do the hard work. They never searched because I never gave them a reason to.
Try:
I signed up to these competitions usually picking what they called "red zones", where armed conflicts happen. No one bats an eye at new hires doing this job. We blend in behind the jungle and occasional distant gunfire, far from the government if not civilization in general. Afterall, why would they go near that? And for what it's worth, the salary bonus was good.
RPC-XXX did not demonstrate any erratic or menacing behavior against the present interviewing personnel throughout the interview.
Test logs
Test log formats are confusing. Try separating administrators of the test and the test subjects themselves. They also wouldn't be called an incident log, rather an experiment log. I also see no reason to redact the doctor's name, does it pose a risk to his safety otherwise? Lastly, it's not a ballistic mannequin that's used for testing, but rather ballistic dummies made of gel. For the purpose of this test you want to say a jointed mannequin. It's needless to say it's humanoid as mannequin by default is assumed humanoid in form. Try:
Experiment-XXX-001
Conducted by: Dr. ██████
Date: 15/4/2018
Materials: RPC-XXX, One (1) jointed mannequin.
Objective: Evaluate the physical manipulation of RPC-XXX motor control over an inanimate test subject.
Results
After the test, the Subject was put under revision.
Did you mean supervision?
The test was prematurely terminated immediately to prevent further trauma.
Date: 17/06/2018
I noticed you included the zero in the month here but not for the other dates. I suggest you use this format for the rest.
Dr. ██████ asked RPC-XXX to make CSD-7648 simulate walking movement, following initial hesitation, RPC-XXX complied.
Try:
Dr. ██████ ordered RPC-XXX to simulate ambulation on CSD-7648. RPC-XXX complied after some hesitation.
stop it!
Capitalize the s.
We're
Were
Dr. ██████: (Screaming) Stop the test! Stop it now!
A containment researcher with the expectation of tests going wrong all the time would not scream in this circumstance.
resulting in the traumatic dislocation of the lower limb joints.
RPC-XXX manifested showed signs of distress and vocalized that the process was expressed the process as "too complex".
It exhibited a showed persistent disinterest discomfort in the evaluation process, maintaining a formal yet guarded posture.
was met with immediate silence.
systemic trauma
Systemic asserts it was intentional and planned by a common aggressor. If this is the case it comes out of left field, if this was not your intention just remove systemic.
Your incident terminology should be something like Incident-RPC-XXX-001. Letters following the anomaly designation are typically used for instances of the anomaly or variations thereof.
Your dialog is, without a doubt, horrid. English clearly isn't your first language so fair enough. 25th birthday rather than birthday 25.
Authority scientists would not be as oblivious as they seem to be.
Another note, why? This appears to be about an immortal Columbian chick with a foot "thing". I don't see why this would make a good addition to the wiki.
There are other comments but that's what were big for me.
Personal thing, but I really don't think hazard images look good on here. It makes the entire top section look all fucked up.
Containment Protocols:
RPC-XXX has a semi-free containment situation in the site-031-1, spending its days in a standard containment cell.
Its privileges include a standard bed, a simple attached bathroom, books selected by the RPC-XXX and approved by the staff, and some pencils and notebooks for writing or drawing.
The RPC-XXX has allowed supervised walks on common areas and recreational zones for humanoid entities.
Whole things reads choppy and the tone is really informal. I'd suggest keeping the size of paragraphs to three sentences long. Making so many little paragraphs makes the text sound and feel disjointed. Also, you don't say "The RPC-XXX", just "RPC-XXX". It's never prefixed by "the" unless you say "the instance" or "the anomaly". Furthermore, "site", when talking about an Authority site, is always capitalized (also, what is the -1 on the site designation supposed to mean?). I'd reword it like so:
RPC-XXX is contained at Site-031-1 in a standard humanoid containment cell, with supervised, free-roaming privileges. Its living space is furnished with: one twin mattress, one en-suite bathroom,, writing and coloring utensils, notebooks, and an assorted collection of approved requested literature.
Even so, I still find the conprots very lacking, and they say nothing about what to do in regards to the anomaly's… well, anomalousness.
Description:
The subject has the appearance of a female humanoid between 19 - 21 years old, approximately 5'2 feet tall (158 cm) with pale skin, droopy eyelids with Grey irises, and long hair that goes down the tights.
Completely unnecessary filler at the start, and weirdly specific details that sounds very informal. Hell, the entire thing is far too specific on its physical appearance down to "droopy eyelids". Also, incorrect capitalization. Change to:
A female humanoid in its early 20s, roughly 5'2" with a pale complexion, gray eyes, and thigh-long hair.
The subject uses clothes given by the staff, which include a blue T-shirt with the RPC authority symbol, black shorts, and black leggings below the shorts
Incredibly unnecessary information. I don't think it's scientifically relevant that it likes to have it toes out 24/7. Also, "subject" would be the term used for people something is being tested on. The anomaly itself is just "the anomaly", "RPC-XXX". I'd honestly just remove this entirely or say in the conprots that it is given authority clothes and such.
Various analysis have verified that the RPC-XXX has the ability to control its own hair, each hair strand in an independent way. The subject uses this as extra limbs, making it acquire the density of subdermic needles or steel. As a secondary effect of the RPC-XXX capacity to change its capillary density, it has been discovered that the subject can control the bodies of third parties using its hardened strands and inserting them into the skin pores. Test subjects who survived have declared that "there is no pain when it happens".
SUUUUUUPPPPEEERRR wordy and repeats words a whole lot. One hanging sentence over the paragraph too. I'd change it to:
RPC-XXX can manipulate each individual strand of hair in its body, employing them as additional limbs. It is also able to modify their density to that steel. As a result of this, RPC-XXX can manipulate other living creatures by inserting hair into their skin pores using high-density hair bundles to manipulate their muscles. Subjects claim to feel no pain during the process.
Due to this ability, the RPC-XXX has understook an extensive study of anatomy textbooks, both human and animal, following the incident RPC-XXX-B.
I feel you could specify the kind of book it reads and perhaps tutoring from people at the Research Division in the conprot section. Anyways, I'd refine this to:
This is not a skill inherent to RPC-XXX's extended proprioception, and requires extensive anatomical knowledge. Following Incident RPC-XXX-B, it has taken up to studying mammalian morphology via textbooks and personal tutoring.
The RPC-XXX has a nullification ability that can be activated voluntarily, manifesting as an invisible field that affects anomalous effects within a radius of 25 meters around her. This ability is only effective if the entity's conscious intent is to nullify or reduce an anomalous effect and its present on its hair as well. It has been discovered that this ability is ineffective against physical anomalous abilities (strength, speed, or regeneration) or anomalies catalized strong emotional states.
This anomaly could be it's own article, and has no thematic connection to the hair thing. WHY does it even have this???? The description feels very game-y as well. Not that much wrong grammatically with it, but I'd seriously reconsider adding it.
The RPC-XXX hasn't shown any signs of physical or mental degradation caused by aging. Thanks to various tests, it has been found that the RPC-XXX exhibits a mild regenerative capacity and lacks a sense of pain. Depending on the severity of the injury, the recovery can take from seconds to weeks or months.
Very intense side-eye from me, arteuscore even
At the beginning, it was thought that its pain insensivity was an advantage on missions. After some incidents, it was demonstrated that it was a weakness. The RPC-XXX didn't feel the damage taken and had to spend long periods sleeping, during wich metabolic activity is focused entirely on healing the affected part.
Kind of irrelevant information to put here? I feel this could be chopped up and placed across different parts of the other paragraphs.
Addendum:
The singular test here just feels incredibly random and lacking in substance to add any character to RPC-XXX or her abilities/situation. Very informal as well.
Final Thoughts:
I think it's pretty mediocre in its current state. The article doesn't have much depth in her character nor in her abilities. The addendums are mostly retellings of what we already know or can guess about in regards to the anomaly. Feels very OC-ish in terms of it just being "a person" that has powers that just sort of happened to them. I'd suggest rethinking the direction you want this article to go to. Maybe something more in-depth for how they became like this? More extensive usage of the anomaly for Authority interests? Idk. maybe read some other humanoid anomalies to get inspiration from.
RPC-XXX uses standard clothes given by the staff.
Irrelevant and offers nothing. Recommend removing.
It is also able to modify their density to that of steel.
Grammar error.
As a result of this, RPC-XXX can manipulate other living creatures by inserting hair into their skin pores using high-density hair bundles to manipulate their muscles.
The logical flow here is wrong. As a result of having strong hair the RPC can control people? Doesn't make sense. Reword to:
RPC-XXX can also manipulate other living creatures by inserting hair into their skin pores using high-density hair bundles to manipulate their muscles.
Following Incident RPC-XXX-001, the Research Division mandated a study of mammalian morphology via textbooks and personal tutoring to prevent further collateral damage.
Why? Would it not be easier to just tell it to not do that anymore. Furthermore, what if it attempts to escape? Why would the Authority provide it with the knowledge it needs to have a better chance of escaping? There is a potential good answer for this (Authority could want to use it as a potential asset). However, you haven't shown any reason the Authority would want to do this, so currently this doesn't make sense for the Authority to do.
Thanks to As a result of various tests, it has been found that RPC-XXX exhibits a mild regenerative capacity and lacks a sense of pain.
Writing here could be more clinical.
The instance was found in a house of 30 m².
Size of the house is irrelevant. You could just say that it was found in its house. Otherwise the current sentence just wastes space.
Alright, since how long When did your abilities first manifest?
Grammar Error.
Since When I was in my 20s, the only thing I still can recall is that it happened before my 25th birthday
Following previous comment
I worked, as an english teacher, in ColombiaEnd Sentence Here There is something called "teacher competitions", End Sentence Here As a teacher i signed up, selected an area and waited for a position anywhereEnd Sentence Here, I usually selected what they called "red zones", zones of guerrilla, of armed conflict,End Sentence Here the risk bonus was kind of worth it, and i signed up for a new position every 2 to 3 years,End Sentence Here in those placesAdd Comma Here no one cares about "the young teacher", and the government never paid enough attentionEnd Sentence Here , they didn’t careEnd Sentence Here , they just needed someone to do the hard workEnd Sentence Here , they never searched because I never gave them a reason to.
Grammar Errors. Mostly run on sentences.
What about the armed presence in those places?, they usually recruit civilians.
Remove Comma, Capitalize "They"
There's going to be a lot of "End Sentence" so I'm going to use "End" from here on out.
I kept out of their way, head downEnd, never talking about my personal political beliefs in publicEnd, i was just a teacherEnd, i was polite, and then, after 3 years, i left the area for another position in another department.
[silence] When the MTS found you, they said you did not show anything else other than confusion,End why?
[pause] I thought it was the ELNEnd, it is not unnusual unusual that those kind of people enter other people's houses to hide from the military. In those situations the best someone can do is stay still and pray for them to go, or get caught.
You have a very interesting idea here: someone who can puppet others through its hair. However, the key problem is that you don't do anything with that. You just state it and that's it. You also veer off into an immortality bend for some reason, and also do nothing with that either.
RPC-XXX is by all intents and purposes a character, but that character isn't expanded on in any way. The following is a just a small list of ways to expand her:
Capture Status
- How does she feel about being captured by RPC?
- Is she glad that her powers are contained? Why?
- Is she resentful? Why?
Powers
- How does she feel about her powers?
- Does she find it exciting, or terrifying?
- Or perhaps, is she terrified that she finds it exciting?
Previous Power Experiences
- Has she controlled others before?
- How did it go? Did it end in disaster?
- Is there a reason behind her hesitation in controlling the CSD?
I also don't like the immortality angle chosen. It doesn't add anything to the character or the powers brought about already. Granted, there's a way to make it work. But in its current state, it's just a distraction.
We also have the power's origin. Another interesting idea that doesn't go anywhere. RPC-XXX has no idea, but that shouldn't stop the Authority from trying to find out. The Authority should be expending extensive effort to find out how the hell some woman got puppet hair and immortality and more importantly, if it can happen again.
Through that, the Authority could perhaps gain some insight into the anomaly's origin. Some ideas:
- Very well hidden parasite
- Cosmic entity from space
- Some interference from a hostile org
There are plenty of ideas that could lend themselves to further expansion of the article to give it more punch.
Overall, you've done a good job setting up the RPC itself. The RPC certainly exists and has a good foundation. However, nothing is done with that foundation, leaving the article forgettable. This can easily be fixed with some expansion. I'd say the article is about 70% done. Just some interactions I mentioned above (or your own) to leave the reader something to take home. Will you leave me with the question of how one would deal with having the power to control others? How one would handle immortality? Or perhaps lay the foundation for some insidious threat that the Authority has to deal with.
There's plenty of potential here, you just have to realize it.
Keep up the good work.
/forum/t-17505011/humanoid-rpc-draft#post-