Well, I suppose I could say you "didn't add enough". The most important steering question is, "But why?" For what reason does this object exist in-universe? Why is it a ring and also a disease that spreads naturally? If the ring was constructed of byproducts from a disease that already existed, who did it and why? To remember someone by? Or to kill someone in particular? Of course mystery is part of the fun, but you should have a pretty good idea of what the answers are or at least where they lie, and I take it this is currently just weirdness for its own sake.
I'll give you credit: the effect is earnestly freaky, or at least was to me. I don't want tumors on my body painfully pooping out gold nuggets. ("The maturity of these growths is indicated by the painful secretion of golden metal pellets out of an orifice present on the tumors" might be the best sentence of the draft: great, natural use of expressive vocabulary that sells the medical horror wonderfully without beating you over the head with it.) I deduct some points for the unconvincing emphasis on "excruciating pain", the fact that anomalous diseases causing you to grow anomalous tumors is kind of a hackneyed trope, and for making it kill you super fast. On that note, if you want to make the death seem scary and painful, why don't you describe the effect it has on the body: what does this actually feel like?
The recovery log is a misstep, though I respect that you took the time to read up on relevant lore for inclusion. The entire thing leans on its references and lacks any substantial content after "it was discovered in █████, Afghanistan". (I elaborate on that a bit more in the line-for-line notes.) This scene can't really "work" anyway, because it has nothing to "work" towards. That brings me back to the same question: "Why?" What I'm saying is, you need a theme: some purpose behind the writing. The famous Midas Touch fable your title alludes to is a parable on the dangers of greed; an overly simplistic one, sure, but it's a message that guides the story and gives it such a timeless appeal that we still remember and reference it to this day.
So, like, try to do that.
nessicary
necessary
Senior Research Staff
Doesn't need capitalization.
pervent
prevent
RPC-XXX bears the resemblance of a golden ring.
bears a resemblance to
It's generally considered poor form to start the description with a line like "RPC-XXX appears to be", and while this use of it is justifiable, it could still use some tweaking; this first sentence fails to directly establish anything about the object of focus (is it even a ring?).
Be clear about your intent, e.g. "RPC-XXX is an ornamental ring, about [something] in diameter, that appears to be made of gold; however, […]". Using a semicolon allows for that touch of suspense without leaving the sentence ambiguous at the end.
experimentation has shown the RPC-XXX composites, an unknown anomalous material
This comma seems to be in the place where a verb should be ("[…] shown the RPC-XXX composites to be an […]"?).
that isn't discernible to any known metals
"Isn't discernable to any known metals" means that the metals can't discern it. Metals don't do much discerning to begin with. "Isn't discernable as any known metal" is a quick fix.
Also, you're advised against using contractions in clinical tone, so I'd change "material that isn't discernible" to "material not discernable".
Decorating around the shank of RPC-XXX are engravings that bear resemblance to
Crash blossom makes it seem like "decorating" is the subject, with "around" referring to it. Cutting "around" would fix that and seems cleaner overall.
You've used the phrase "bear resemblance" twice in this paragraph: change one.
RPC-XXX's anomalous properties manifest when subjects come into physical contact with RPC-XXX.
Repetitive wording; you could at least use a pronoun, but "[…] manifest upon physical contact with a subject" is even better.
This exposure leads rapid tumorous growths
You fixed the original error I pointed out in this sentence, but you introduced another one by cutting the word "to".
golden metal pellets
Misleading, since they're not actually gold, and you cared enough to emphasize that distinction for the ring at the start.
refered to as RPC-XXX-1
Missing period, and "referred" has 3 Rs.
Contact with RPC-XXX-1's byproducts as well as their tumors are shown to be highly contagious.
Plurality mismatch: "contact" is singular, "are" is plural; "contact […] are" is improper. More importantly, "contact is contagious" is still wonky since "contact" isn't the subject that is contagious. I'd rephrase entirely, e.g. "RPC-XXX is highly contagious and can spread through skin contact with both tumors and their byproducts."
RPC-XXX-1's byproducts seem to be created by the tumors utilizing the subject's matter, with seemingly any matter that composes a subject's body being usable in this process.
Attributing the creation of the byproducts specifically to the tumors (not to the phenomenon in general?) is a weird tangent that distracts from the sentence (just do "created […] from the subject's matter"). The second half is awkwardly stapled on and doesn't really answer any questions properly.
Regardless of their elemental and chemical composition.
Sentence fragment that should be part of the previous sentence (it doesn't even need a comma!). "Their" should be "its" since the subject is "matter".
RPC-XXX-1 infected will become deceased up to a period of 2 days after the tumors reach maturity.
"Become deceased" is comical; if you need a fancy way to say "die", say "expire". And "die up to a period of 2 days" makes no sense unless you're planning to resurrect slightly faster than Jesus.
Post-mortem autopsy
Just say "autopsy"; autopsy is always post-mortem.
showed that the subject's vital organs and internal structures were dissolved during the infection.
Why is this sentence suddenly past tense and referring to a singular subject?
a outbreak
an outbreak
Cooperation with locals identified RPC-XXX as the cause of the outbreak and was located soon after.
The subject of "was located soon after" appears to be "cooperation with locals". (Try "[…] outbreak, and the object was located […]")
Those identified or suspected to be RPC-XXX-1 were ██████████████████.
The blackbox is ridiculous, just say they killed them. You already said so in the conprots anyway. Also, "suspected to be RPC-XXX-1"? I dunno, it seems pretty hard to hide.
Those who were deemed unaffected were given G-2 Amnestics.
There's nothing wrong here grammatically, except pretty much no one capitalizes "amnestics" outside the Amnestics Guide.
The reason I care about this sentence, though, is because it's lazy. It's the most joyless snowclone amnestics deployment one can type. You can do so much better, especially with Gaslighters; you know they can be administered multiple ways, right? Let me see what I can come up with right now:
- "Survivors were assembled by Protectorate agents and administered compulsory G-2 amnestic injections under the guise of humanitarian vaccinations."
- "Agents introduced G-2 amnestics into local water supplies after the outbreak."
- "Grade 2 Gaslighters were released into the area's atmosphere periodically throughout the following days."
I could probably come up with something even better with a clearer picture of the setting, but all I know from the draft is that it's an "area" and "location" with "locals".