Rewrite: RPC-119

Summary:

I understand that I am permitted to make edits to my article as I see fit, according to the editing policy...but this is more than just some tweaks!

Rewrite: RPC-119

ariii_kanariii 21 Sep 2025 07:02

Hello!

I wanted to open this with a hello to the community that I have not engaged with much in a long time. I wrote RPC-119 in December 2018 and its article is…okay. Now, I am still trying to get my handle with things, and have been off-and-on with a project to rewrite this article. I have the majority of an article complete, though am still working on rewriting the testing/therapy logs, as well as adding some new addenda to give the reader more information, as well as hopefully push a more intentional narrative.

Before I continue, this is the link to the sandbox page for its redraft: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/rpc-119-redraft

Here is the original page: RPC-119

I know that this might be better suited to first go through ideas and brainstorming, but I have some confidence to the idea…and also have put a lot of effort into the writing of this project. Again, so far everything apart from the addenda has been worked to a state that I am ready to tinker and sculpt into something much better.

Edit: Updated to reflect Jokezm's criticisms as of 9/26/25!

Last edited on 27 Sep 2025 02:38 by ariii_kanariii Show more

Re: Rewrite: RPC-119

Jokezm 22 Sep 2025 14:58

crit

+ show block

Footnotes 3 and 4 would work better as part of the overall paragraph. It's usually recommended that you keep footnotes minimal unless they're necessary for information or immersion.

While undergoing training, RPC-119 must be under the direct supervision of trained rapid-response operatives.

I like what you're doing with the containment protocols; it's rare that people use them to their advantage to complete the narrative. But, I think it would be better if you put them in chronological order rather than starting with the 2020 conproc and moving on to 2018.

It has a height of 185cm and currently hasa weight of approximately 90kg.

RPC-119 is bald and requires prescription glasses.

Descriptors like this aren't usually necessary, but you could just combine it with the first sentence instead into

RPC-119 is a 31-year-old bald Caucasian male who wears prescription glasses.

Not super clinical, but it flows better.

Since its initial recovery, RPC-119 has been able to improve its control over creation of displacements,

"Creation" is the wrong verb. Perhaps words like "exertion", "exploitation", or "conduct" would work better.

Spatial displacements created by RPC-119 are stationary, and can be created at a distance of up to 50.0m from RPC-119. They appear as opaque voids., Appearing as opaque voids.

"The subject". Try not to use the same noun in the same sentence more than once.

Actual size changing The resizing of objects though mass remaining consistent; without altering its mass;

Integrating __Fusing objects with surrounding materials;

Sudden combustion (with objects that are flammable); The combustion of flamable objects.

The therapy and test logs are extremely cluttered, so you should space them out vertically. Also, just call the logs "Site-XXX Logs" instead of "test and recovery logs"

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Overall, it's a lot better than the first one.

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They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.

Re: Rewrite: RPC-119

ariii_kanariii 25 Sep 2025 19:15

Thank you so much! This is awesome. I'll be working to implement a lot of this crit :) can I credit you? I'd rather ask than not

Thank you for your tip about footnotes. Sometimes I get carried away by the tiny numbers. It's all looks/superficial for sure sometimes haha

I prefer the anti-chronological look of the containment procedures as it feels most consistent with how Wikidot handles revision history, for example—it shows the most recent and you scroll down to the earliest versions of an article. Showing it like Newest(3)/Oldest(0)/"1"/"2" feels odd but I will play around with it and see what I like. It's all collapsible exercepts anyway, so I'll see how it looks!

Thank you for your help cleaning up the verbiage n flow of sentences, I think after a while I hit a couple of walls (especially with describing the displacement properties), so this is awesome to get help on.

Site-XXX logs is absolutely the way to go. Thank you!

Thank you again, and have a great day! I can't wait to plug away at this draft with all of this in mind now! :D