RPC-XXX: Parking Underground [POSTED]
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Thanks to owldude for doing my pre-upload sanity check.
RPC-XXX: Parking Underground [POSTED]
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» RPC-XXX: Parking Underground [POSTED]
Summary:
Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me? (~1,500 words)
In addition to this litter, cuts of burnt biomatter are often found on the ground and atop wrecked vehicles and dumpsters.
Maybe use "pieces" or "samples" instead.
The tissue is human or similar according to lab analysis and a confined subject report.
Weird sentence, do
Laboratory analysis and reports from a confined subject indicate the tissue is human or closely related.
instead.
Idk what you're doing with the CSS there, try using [[div class="content-panel"]] and then [[div class="blockquote"]] instead (or just use regular blockquote because the format you're doing doesn't really warrant its own CSS. It also should just be a collapsible with how short it is, rather than a whole separate page.
The robot, one of two retrieved for the second round of RPC-XXX investigations, is a model of adapted drone an adaptive drone model originally made by Protocol engineers.
Confinement engineers?
Thoughts
Though executed pretty nicely, it's a pretty mediocre concept. I know people like to make a lot of claims in confic site about "this idea is cliché" even though they're really not, but this one actually is cliché and has no identity of its own. A backroom-type area with mysterious biomatter that might be human, and a mysterious humanoid entity. Not only that, but you can hear faint screaming behind the walls, too.
You've probably read more articles than most people on this site so you should know how common exploration-oriented articles of "might-be-hell" is. The current puzzle pieces you left don't tell an interesting story because you're not leaving enough environmental storytelling that would catch the reader's interests.
The exploration log is fine, though there isn't a lot of tension the way it's written. This is a super subjective opinion cuz I'm a format freak, but I feel like you could have a format that's a lot more interesting and mechanical than what it is now.
[10:19]
Command: Rotate 180°. Proceed forward.
Feed: Subject in frame: silhouette of an unknown subject, 8 m ahead.
Command: Proceed forward.
Feed: Approaching subject. Subject in frame: humanoid silhouette, 5 m ahead. Stationary. Subject is facing drone. Lips moving; no audio detected.
Telemetry: Temperature: 90 °C (elevated).
Or something else. Not really an actual suggestion, just something to maybe broaden your horizon.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
Maybe use "pieces" or "samples" instead.
I'm iffy on this; "cut" is a little unusual, but it's specific to meat so I think it makes a better visual.
an adaptive drone model
"Adaptive" would suggest a dynamic ability to adapt. Putting "model" in the object would also change the meaning slightly by indicating this particular model was "made by Protocol engineers" as opposed to just the design.
Confinement engineers?
"Protocol engineers" means Protocol Laboratory. "Prolab" felt too casual. I cut some fluff about how the design was originally used.
I don't think screamy "liminal spaces" are that effective either, which is why I sacrificed and dissected it at the beginning to get the story going, but I suppose if that hook doesn't click for you then you might not enjoy it. My goal is that if someone reads it and then reads it again — which I can't ask of you — then they'll figure out a little more each time. You may not trust me, but there is a story and message that every detail ties into, and I think what's in the article is enough to solve it.
Fair on the exploration formatting comments. Putting logs on separate pages is a little nonstandard for modern RPC, but I like it, and I got to utilize one of the most obscure formats as a result. I did play it safe with the look, and your sample design isn't bad. The exploration scene could be better balanced, and it's the part I'm most interested in editing.
2 light-armed ASF operatives are to maintain this chokepoint during the day, posing as local security; use force if necessary.
That last bit sounds a little weird. I'd change it to something like 'The use of force is authorized' or just cut it out entirely. I'm not sure about separating the exploration log in its own article either but it's your call on that one
As for the article itself? I read it before you posted it to the forum, and my opinion remains unchanged in that it's a very nice mystery article. I've always been a sucker for "extra-dimensional spaces with weird shit happening inside" articles (my most popular article fits this niche!), and although admittedly this doesn't really do anything particularly unique with the approach, what is there is very appealing to me personally. I think it's just a matter of subjective opinion really
The subtext spread throughout the article was another thing I especially liked, and it really harks back to Series II-era SCP in a way that I adore. Though I feel some of the clues are a little too vague, what's there is enough to paint an eerie picture in my head and I think it still works well enough as it is. Not everything needs to be spelled out
Reading through the other crit it's a shame that no one else seems to actually click with it as much as I do, but again most of it probably just chalks up to subjectivity. Good work overall
Thanks for your review.
I should stop bitching that people aren't "getting it" and just let it be. I've got enough feedback for what to change, so I'll put the thread on hold and look into editing.
Simple, but works. I love the fact that you don't go overboard with it and force a conclusion of what this is directly. I think adding some extra puzzle pieces to ponder about, with the addition of a discovery section, would be a good idea.
We know these creatures are humanoid, they don't want to be discovered, avoid humans, and are heat-resistant.
Another small addition that would add to this article and to lore building is telling why they decided to seal it. In this case, the reason is not danger, but I assume monotery and they don't find any reason to explore further. Adding information on technological, monetary, or other limitations can help to ground the decision.
The audio file and the two pictures are a nice addition.
I'm glad you liked it! I may have to put in a few more hints, but I think you have more puzzle pieces than you realize, and the answer is less fantastical than you think. The monsters are "humanoid" and "don't want to be discovered"? Interesting ;)
You're right that the wall was sealed for financial reasons. Manpower isn't free, and it's better spent elsewhere. I could maybe frame it more clearly, but it seems intuitive enough, and I think it's a good thing if it got you asking and solving questions.
It's similar to a backrooms piece, for the worse. Most of the progression through the area is tame and only once justifies it in evocative description by 21:41 in the log. The mystery behind the inhabitants leaves a lot to be desired, and what little's there offers as little intrigue. Although the interview does offer an interesting suggestion connecting the below figure to the so called good Samaritan, but the rest of it is strangely formatted. The POI isn't interesting; I suppose that's intentional just to expand the narrative but he is still part of the article, I expect something worthwhile in the logs but neither is there in character nor interesting points of narrative.
Also the entire time I assume we're going further out horizontally rather than inwards towards the earth's core; I got this impression from the drone's propagating ceiling ducts, which I fail to see how it leads down unless you describe how that works (by anomaly or simply indicate in layout we're lowered)
Honestly I don't know what I can say that may add to the article, which I find more important to dwell upon than what's in as it's a good foundation. But as it stands I'd rate it 2 stars.
But they ruin things for the rest of us.
Remove "but".
POI-XXX was deemed irrelevant to the case and released December 16th, all possessions returned
POI-XXX is released without abiding to protocol here, no amnesticization. At this point it is assumed that and you can argue it's needless to mention, but I say not as in a technical report. Or if you wish, you could justify the authority not following through as they deem the squatter a nut who nobody would believe. "Deemed irrelevant" leaves it open-ended on either.
"12 AM, you shitting me? Only if we get music. Yes, we'll keep it low." —Engineer Knapp
Works as a funny editorial scrap but it's still out of place in tone. Either rework how it's presented or actually scrap it.
I think you're writing off POI-XXX too much. He's the key to the story. They didn't amnesticize him because it's a waste of resources; he didn't see anything compromising.
I didn't intend for the ceiling ducts to be going down, and if you pay attention, that's not even the weirdest thing they do. I agree I should probably sit with that scene a little longer.
I guess if multiple people aren't getting it then I might need to change something, but my hope is you'll think on it for a few days and then it will start making sense.
/forum/t-17245757/rpc-xxx:parking-underground-posted#post-