Active Camo Material
OK, let's try this again: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/activecamo
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
Active Camo Material
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Summary:
Material that is see-through and renders objects it coats invisible; repels projectiles of sufficient velocity when supplied with an electric charge.
The writing and grammar are polished, but, dude, it's barely an article even by mincon standards… Like, at least attach some schizo rambling addendum or talk about how it's currently being studied by the research division or utilized by the protectorate, anything. What about this anomaly gives it the right to be a full article rather than a lesser anomaly?
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
Well, so far, the anomaly:
1. Makes things it coats invisible.
2. Repels high-velocity projectiles when supplied with a sufficient amount of electricity.
3. Was found coating a facility on Mars (as well as at other locations).
4. Is from another dimension.
I do appreciate the suggestions of what to add, but I admit I have no idea how I would go about actually including such things.
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
I can't help but deem the entirety of the off-baseline occult angle completely out of place and shoehorned. I found how the unseen entities using the anomaly creepy and appealing, but it's hard to keep suspension of disbelief afloat when seemingly no connection between demons and invisible technology is properly presented. It just comes off as random to me.
The tests also don't offer much insight to the secondary property. In fact two tests between the gun and particle accelerator would suffice the point on the projectile's speed, and we're even left out on what the biological testing yielded that instead of it eliciting curiosity it punchlines that nothingness to obfuscating any interesting bits in this log.
Initially I stumbled upon this amid discussion in discord and having read a draft back in what must've been July. I was excited coming back to this for some eye-opening results yielded from experimentation, an interesting application for an Authority station/utility or even a patent. To me that feels far more relevant to touch on that including a second theme about extradimensional demonic martians; maybe I'm just not seeing what puts it all together. As it stands it's 2/5.
the material itself only becomes visible under high levels of magnification. As such, it is hypothesized that there is a memetic component to the material.
I don't see how the first statement would suggest a memetic influence. It's better to either conform this as fact and clarifying why it is or have this inferred within the test logs, for example. As it is though it's just outright telling me it is memetic without doing much with it.
The following information is classified at level 2-XXX
In hindsight the entire article should be behind a level 2 clearance, perhaps level 3 for the addendum given its otherworldly origins and its relevance to "long-term contingency planning surrounding anomalies within containment". Reason being that a fringe anomaly would not be a need to know basis for Level 1, especially that it's seemingly in the research phase. It would be if, for example, it was already employed in facilities that it would be a safety hazard not to divulge this info.
Whilst the region where OL-Site-381 was discovered has a particularly low population density, nevertheless some form of additional explanation was needed as interior exploration revealed OL-Site-381 to be somewhere in the region of 4.16 sq km.
I still don't understand what the significance of the population to this is. The overall area of the site is significant even barring any instances within it, as likely to lead to the same conclusion. Why is that relevant to this clause?
This led to the hypothesis that some sort of obscuring technology was being utilised, and one that did not require an external power source. Close-up examination of the structure of OL-Site-381 showed that there was a slight discrepancy between the outline of the structure and the visible edge, indicating it was coated in a transparent material. Samples taken revealed it to be coated in a thin layer of metamaterial since designated RPC-XXX.
First sentence is confirmed the case on the very next one. Second one is also redundant.
copyright information and a company logo are, in fact, engraved on each individual panel
This suggests that this was expected, which I doubt was.
Footnote 3: Each panel is approximately 4' x 4' (1.21m x 1.21m) in area, with an approximate thickness of 5" (12.7cm)
I think this is better to incorporate in the description, but it's alright as is.
Plaster casts were then taken, and the text was then able to be read:
Try:
Upon making a plaster cast, text on the panel reads:
preliminary evidence implies an origin from outside baseline reality due to altered Anderson Coherency Scale readings as well as other abnormalities including: human remains found fused to the walls, human remains found with their orifices sewn shut and their eyes removed, and symbols in an unknown language apparently written in human blood.
How do the other abnormalities suggest it originates elsewhere? Could just be religious fanatics and god knows the Authority has at least two GOIs that fit this description.
Also I suggest:
as well as other constructional abnormalities including
so it properly reads.
I think the final notes need more buildup. Much of their runtime is spent establishing the background and only the last two or three use that info. The way it’s written additionally tells me nothing about the person or the period of its origin. A more special style is a way of showing the reader the overall vibe of this other dimension, instead of just making them Standard Diary page #21. Also weirdly unrelated to the anomaly itself. The mentions we get of the steel is an offhand “oh thats weird” and nothing about Paradigm themselves.
I get the impression you're trying to apply previous crit by just smoshing in random addenda. I suggest taking a step back, examining the plot points your currently have and thinking of something to tie it all together. "InvisiSteel exists, its on research sites, its defensive. How does the protagonist, the Authority, react to this? What consequences are there of this thing? Of investigating this thing? Why should this thing get more attention than anomalous rock that does random paranormalities?"
OL-Site-381 in secure locker XXX
They change the locker's name every time? positional designation like this should be independent of the things they store unless they're specifically made for it.
with RPC-381 on
Link it.
Whilst the region where OL-Site-381 was discovered has a particularly low population density2, nevertheless some form of additional explanation was needed as interior exploration revealed OL-Site-381 to be somewhere in the region of 4.16 sq km.
I do not understand what you are saying with this paragraph. How is its size correlated to the population density of the region? Do you mean that it is illogical how it wasn’t found?
reported the material as being smooth to the touch, reported
Change one of the reporteds.
As usual, your presentation is amazing. The skills you've acquired from your profession shine in this. However, I think the story you are trying to convey has a lot of work to be done. I think you should trim some fat to make a more effective article. My four main issues are as follows:
1. I really liked the idea from your older draft that the material possibly had a memetic component, but this draft hardly mentions that idea. I think a material that cloaks an object because of its memetic properties would be a great idea for an article, a classic twist on the tired Cloak of Invisibility trope. There's so much you can do with it: Do you have to imbue the material with what you want people to perceive it as? Like, if I want the material to be perceived by others as bushes or trees, would it appear as that? There's so much more you can do!
2. In the testing logs, you mention that testing involving organic materials is forbidden after a certain point. Not only do I question how much this would really add to the article, but I am also slightly disappointed because you never elaborate on why this is the case.
3. I feel the GoI you made for this article is made somewhat redundant with two of our own GoIS: NuCorp and GEAR, who are both interdimensional corporations which make technology (GEAR is also a version of NuCorp that went rogue). I would either make the GoI a derivative of NuCorp, change it to GEAR, or cut it altogether to make the material more mysterious.
4. The article loses some of its mystery towards the end because of the journal. The journal takes away much of the mystique of the article (Why is there material on Mars? Who built it?) and I think the audience would be better served if we never got an answer to it.
f
secure locker XXX.
Suggestion: I would capitalize "secure locker" and also give the locker a location within the site, like the "West Wing Level 2 Lower Containment Lab" or something else like that.
and requires clearance level 2-XXX.
Suggestion: do you mean to imply that you need level 2 clearance to approve testing, or do you need that level to request a test involving the anomaly?
RPC-XXX refers to a previously unknown metamaterial
Suggestion: I would remove "previously unknown".
It should also be noted that experimentation with RPC-XXX involving live subjects has been discontinued following test no. 521. Biological material is likewise no longer permitted in the test chamber during tests as a result of this.
Consider:
Experimentation with RPC-XXX ceased following Test no. 521.
Also, wouldn't the second sentence be redundant?
/forum/t-17245610/active-camo-material#post-