Active Camo Material
OK, let's try this again: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/activecamo
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
Active Camo Material
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» Active Camo Material
Summary:
Material that is see-through and renders objects it coats invisible; repels projectiles of sufficient velocity when supplied with an electric charge.
The writing and grammar are polished, but, dude, it's barely an article even by mincon standards… Like, at least attach some schizo rambling addendum or talk about how it's currently being studied by the research division or utilized by the protectorate, anything. What about this anomaly gives it the right to be a full article rather than a lesser anomaly?
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
Well, so far, the anomaly:
1. Makes things it coats invisible.
2. Repels high-velocity projectiles when supplied with a sufficient amount of electricity.
3. Was found coating a facility on Mars (as well as at other locations).
4. Is from another dimension.
I do appreciate the suggestions of what to add, but I admit I have no idea how I would go about actually including such things.
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
I can't help but deem the entirety of the off-baseline occult angle completely out of place and shoehorned. I found how the unseen entities using the anomaly creepy and appealing, but it's hard to keep suspension of disbelief afloat when seemingly no connection between demons and invisible technology is properly presented. It just comes off as random to me.
The tests also don't offer much insight to the secondary property. In fact two tests between the gun and particle accelerator would suffice the point on the projectile's speed, and we're even left out on what the biological testing yielded that instead of it eliciting curiosity it punchlines that nothingness to obfuscating any interesting bits in this log.
Initially I stumbled upon this amid discussion in discord and having read a draft back in what must've been July. I was excited coming back to this for some eye-opening results yielded from experimentation, an interesting application for an Authority station/utility or even a patent. To me that feels far more relevant to touch on that including a second theme about extradimensional demonic martians; maybe I'm just not seeing what puts it all together. As it stands it's 2/5.
the material itself only becomes visible under high levels of magnification. As such, it is hypothesized that there is a memetic component to the material.
I don't see how the first statement would suggest a memetic influence. It's better to either conform this as fact and clarifying why it is or have this inferred within the test logs, for example. As it is though it's just outright telling me it is memetic without doing much with it.
The following information is classified at level 2-XXX
In hindsight the entire article should be behind a level 2 clearance, perhaps level 3 for the addendum given its otherworldly origins and its relevance to "long-term contingency planning surrounding anomalies within containment". Reason being that a fringe anomaly would not be a need to know basis for Level 1, especially that it's seemingly in the research phase. It would be if, for example, it was already employed in facilities that it would be a safety hazard not to divulge this info.
Whilst the region where OL-Site-381 was discovered has a particularly low population density, nevertheless some form of additional explanation was needed as interior exploration revealed OL-Site-381 to be somewhere in the region of 4.16 sq km.
I still don't understand what the significance of the population to this is. The overall area of the site is significant even barring any instances within it, as likely to lead to the same conclusion. Why is that relevant to this clause?
This led to the hypothesis that some sort of obscuring technology was being utilised, and one that did not require an external power source. Close-up examination of the structure of OL-Site-381 showed that there was a slight discrepancy between the outline of the structure and the visible edge, indicating it was coated in a transparent material. Samples taken revealed it to be coated in a thin layer of metamaterial since designated RPC-XXX.
First sentence is confirmed the case on the very next one. Second one is also redundant.
copyright information and a company logo are, in fact, engraved on each individual panel
This suggests that this was expected, which I doubt was.
Footnote 3: Each panel is approximately 4' x 4' (1.21m x 1.21m) in area, with an approximate thickness of 5" (12.7cm)
I think this is better to incorporate in the description, but it's alright as is.
Plaster casts were then taken, and the text was then able to be read:
Try:
Upon making a plaster cast, text on the panel reads:
preliminary evidence implies an origin from outside baseline reality due to altered Anderson Coherency Scale readings as well as other abnormalities including: human remains found fused to the walls, human remains found with their orifices sewn shut and their eyes removed, and symbols in an unknown language apparently written in human blood.
How do the other abnormalities suggest it originates elsewhere? Could just be religious fanatics and god knows the Authority has at least two GOIs that fit this description.
Also I suggest:
as well as other constructional abnormalities including
so it properly reads.
I think the final notes need more buildup. Much of their runtime is spent establishing the background and only the last two or three use that info. The way it’s written additionally tells me nothing about the person or the period of its origin. A more special style is a way of showing the reader the overall vibe of this other dimension, instead of just making them Standard Diary page #21. Also weirdly unrelated to the anomaly itself. The mentions we get of the steel is an offhand “oh thats weird” and nothing about Paradigm themselves.
I get the impression you're trying to apply previous crit by just smoshing in random addenda. I suggest taking a step back, examining the plot points your currently have and thinking of something to tie it all together. "InvisiSteel exists, its on research sites, its defensive. How does the protagonist, the Authority, react to this? What consequences are there of this thing? Of investigating this thing? Why should this thing get more attention than anomalous rock that does random paranormalities?"
OL-Site-381 in secure locker XXX
They change the locker's name every time? positional designation like this should be independent of the things they store unless they're specifically made for it.
with RPC-381 on
Link it.
Whilst the region where OL-Site-381 was discovered has a particularly low population density2, nevertheless some form of additional explanation was needed as interior exploration revealed OL-Site-381 to be somewhere in the region of 4.16 sq km.
I do not understand what you are saying with this paragraph. How is its size correlated to the population density of the region? Do you mean that it is illogical how it wasn’t found?
reported the material as being smooth to the touch, reported
Change one of the reporteds.
As usual, your presentation is amazing. The skills you've acquired from your profession shine in this. However, I think the story you are trying to convey has a lot of work to be done. I think you should trim some fat to make a more effective article. My four main issues are as follows:
1. I really liked the idea from your older draft that the material possibly had a memetic component, but this draft hardly mentions that idea. I think a material that cloaks an object because of its memetic properties would be a great idea for an article, a classic twist on the tired Cloak of Invisibility trope. There's so much you can do with it: Do you have to imbue the material with what you want people to perceive it as? Like, if I want the material to be perceived by others as bushes or trees, would it appear as that? There's so much more you can do!
2. In the testing logs, you mention that testing involving organic materials is forbidden after a certain point. Not only do I question how much this would really add to the article, but I am also slightly disappointed because you never elaborate on why this is the case.
3. I feel the GoI you made for this article is made somewhat redundant with two of our own GoIS: NuCorp and GEAR, who are both interdimensional corporations which make technology (GEAR is also a version of NuCorp that went rogue). I would either make the GoI a derivative of NuCorp, change it to GEAR, or cut it altogether to make the material more mysterious.
4. The article loses some of its mystery towards the end because of the journal. The journal takes away much of the mystique of the article (Why is there material on Mars? Who built it?) and I think the audience would be better served if we never got an answer to it.
f
secure locker XXX.
Suggestion: I would capitalize "secure locker" and also give the locker a location within the site, like the "West Wing Level 2 Lower Containment Lab" or something else like that.
and requires clearance level 2-XXX.
Suggestion: do you mean to imply that you need level 2 clearance to approve testing, or do you need that level to request a test involving the anomaly?
RPC-XXX refers to a previously unknown metamaterial
Suggestion: I would remove "previously unknown".
It should also be noted that experimentation with RPC-XXX involving live subjects has been discontinued following test no. 521. Biological material is likewise no longer permitted in the test chamber during tests as a result of this.
Consider:
Experimentation with RPC-XXX ceased following Test no. 521.
Also, wouldn't the second sentence be redundant?
The draft has undergone several revisions, thanks especially to Funhouse and Dexo (Malfestance) for their pointers: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/activecamo
Still not good enough for the main site, but I'm working on it until it's good enough or I die, whichever comes first.
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
Please actually consider the critique above more seriously, as I see this hasn't changed since the two times you've posted it. You should use that opportunity to add what is deemed missing, either by the readers and critics in a collective sense or yourself.
For posterity's sake, I'm adapting my comments in DMs with a little more.
Experiments logs are designed to explore what has yet to be confirmed and to better understand the extent of the anomaly's abilities. You have done that for one aspect of the anomaly but honestly what's there isn't that ground breaking that it may as well be incorporated into the description itself. You can either rework the tests to be more interesting, add interesting (and relevant!!) properties to the anomaly to use within the tests and overrall narrative, or simply articulate test content into the description. Also
produces the expected reactions.
Expected according to what? I don't think they would have attempted to comically expensive test if they expected that result. Instead, you can assume it does absorb the damage but causes an unexpected result. As a writer, you should also have a good enough idea how this thing works even without mentioning in the article, rather what you choose to omit is hinted or implicated in test logs. In other words, write what the Authority learns of it and how much you choose they've gathered from it. At the moment, it doesn't overshare but it isn't saying anything new either. It only lets on the endpoints at which this deflects or terminates projectiles.
More importantly is a theme would give this a much needed direction; what can you say about this more than it already does? What story can you incorporate into this that's relevant to its abilities? Map out the plot points of the narrative you wish to convey. For example, the theme can be that using poorly understood technology can lead to unforeseen consequences. Perhaps it starts that they research its effects warily, then they grow comfortable using it themselves only to find out way after the fact it has damaging effects when enclosed with it; that it wasn't intended for human dwelling for too long (turns organic matter invisible, drains life energy of people, radioactivity, etc).
Lastly, you need to read up more on GEAR if you wish to keep the GOI connection. They are merchants to rich buyers who want something tailored to their needs, through which only anomalous means provide. Given how useful this tech is in the veiled world, I wouldn't be surprised if other GOIs buy this stuff to conceal their activities; an Amazing Co. factory, Kabushiki Kawaii labs or GARD bases. It can also be, after learning the hard way if you wanna go with the theme idea above, that the Authority adapts and utilizes it for themselves. Maybe this connection is found by having found leaked emails between the above clients and GEAR, and that's how you can tell a story from it.
You can make multiple mentions of things hidden behind these things too: Skeletons behind the closets of rich buyers. Murders, slavery, experimentation, human and drug trafficking's, etc, etc. And the more outrageous the things found hidden by this anomaly, the better.
Pace yourself with what you wanna say from this then you can choose if a Mars narrative is necessary to convey it or something else. If it does, by all means do it. But the more outlandish the idea, the harder it is to keep suspension of disbelief if it lacks the execution for it.
I'm copy my message from Discord.
You trying add some substance to object just by adding mentions of random GOI, instead of actually improving it. You have a GEAR produced alloy with memetic properties that become extra durable when exposed to a strong current, there is quite space to develop:
Nucorp trying to sue GEAR because Camo alloy is stollen Nucorp design.
GEAR trying to sue Authority for stealing their property and attempt to reverse engineer their development.
Lore about original GEAR before it moved to Baseline reality through logs of exploration of original GEAR facility somehow ended in Baseline.
Some logs about other GOIs using camo alloy that they stole/pursached from GEAR(Denomynmless/Malthus raiding Authority facility using vehicles/operatives with camo alloy armour plates for example, USOC/PCAAO deploys a combat/stealth vehicles/drones that uses camo alloy plating).
OK, so I've added some stuff to try and give it more of an actual story based on suggestions and recommendations both here and on Discord.
1. the material is from an another dimension and has certain anomalous properties but is experimented with using femotechnology to make the final product.
2. since other dimenions are involved, I decided to have it so the recovered instances in the Authority's possession were made by GEAR but that the baseline version of NuCorp were on the cusp of creating the same material.
Not really sure if that is enough. I doubt that it is but am unsure where to go from here.
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
Nothing to say of the Containment Protocols, simple and solid.
DESCRIPTION:
What is this secondary ability? The Charge? The degenerate matter? Make this more clear.
"Testing has since demonstrated a second capability" Oh, maybe have that paragraph before the other one, as that'd erase any confusion. May need to rewrite those 2 to mix them together and flow better.
TEST LOG:
I like the Test log, though it would be nice to see what the bottom end is like. Sure, it can deflect bullets, but how slow is slow moving to not deflect? Maybe a test on sledgehammers, jackhammers, pistons and even fisticuffs would be nice to show the low end.
"the original material sourced for this purpose was obtained from an alternate dimension." Man, I have a strong bias against when things like this are laid bare. Maybe the documentation uses an in house designation sequence, like a series of numbers/letters dictating a different dimension (E14-SOMNO). Doesn't make sense to us, but make perfect sense with the people who wrote the original documentation. (this is just my opinion)
DISCOVERY:
Everything seems good, a patent like that coming out in 2025 is something. Thought it'd be a bizarre later year but then again, adds to the surreality.
I'd also say maybe the part of ongoing stealth research shouldn't be in the Discovery paragraph. Also, you gotta think about making an addendum about the ongoing research, it'd be cool.
ADDENDUM:
"human remains found with their orifices sewn shut and their eyes removed," Would be nice to specify in a footnote how this was done, Whether through the RPC, human violence or some other unknown means.
OVERALL:
Solid idea, maybe put that it's "pending Utility" in its Designation.
Also, how're you gonna make a cool-ass stealth metal and NOT have Addendums about it being implemented in Stealth operations/Testing? Yes I know the Cow had something going on, but…give a few designs for a Stealth Suit at least! That's be cool (my Personal one is an exoskeleton with thick panel sheets of the RPC welded to the exterior, a big battery pack on the back. Rejected for obvious reasons)
You just added mention that Nucorp too produced camo alloy and that someone ordered it to fight Soshi… and nothig else.
Yeah.
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
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