Tales From The Authority: Episode 1
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/tales-from-the-authority:episode-1
Anthology about the daily lives of those who work for the Authority.
Tales From The Authority: Episode 1
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» Tales From The Authority: Episode 1
General Thoughts
The collection of stories are very interesting and I feel add to the world of the Authority. I will say that it is a shame that it does not add more to the insight of what is RPC-550 but I know that's not the point. I may have not caught everything but I have noticed a large amount of run on sentences that you use, and I feel you could benefit from separating your idea into different sentences. I also recommend reading some of your articles out loud in the future since you did miss some words that would make some sentences make more sense. As it stands this article earns a 4/5 for me, and would get a 5 if it shares something new and interesting that we didn't know about RPC-550.
General Issues
chest cavity open, rib spreaders glinting beneath the fluorescents, and strange flowers grew and drained nutrients from the frigidly damp stomach
Remove the comma after fluorescent. Or spread the sentence out into three sentences instead. This comes across as a run on sentence.
lights that hummed tunelessly as he tugged at a root embedded within a section of lung tissue.
Add a comma after tunelessly.
hundredsof times over.
"Hundreds of"
“Well, if our "zombie" here manages to wake up, our friend in the RSS will be ready to bitch and moan at it”
Use 'zombie' instead. The quotations should be changed to apostrophes if its in a quotation too.
Christ your a biologist
"you're"
the kind of sterile, polished white that ate up shadows and left the mind nowhere to wander.
replace with comma with "and". It makes lowers amount of commas and still flows well.
handle cutting edge technologies and programs excited.
Do you mean "excited her"?
Story
He behaved less like a scientist and more like a man who had repeated this action hundredsof times over.
I don't think this portrays an idea of being cold and robotic in procedure since you are comparing it to a title so cold and logical. Maybe say "less like a doctor" or "less like a human"
Dialogue
“Shut it. Anyway, I doubt these guys even knew what they were summoning.”
Shut it seems off here. Like the dialogue doesn't feel like something natural a person would say, at least anymore. Shut it followed by another sentences just doesn't flow well.
Dreams. Each man longs to pursue his dream. Each man is tortured by this dream, but the dream gives meaning to his life. Even if the dream ruins his life, man cannot allow himself to leave it behind. In this world, is man ever able to possess anything more solid, than a dream?
~Kentaro Miura
My critiques are fairly short, like I mentioned before, there's a spelling mistake in the Protection division with the word 'the' being spelt as 'thr':
'A violent jolt arched thr man's back and the crack of broken bones echoed out.'
That's still the only spelling error, I didn't notice any other grammatical errors. and I feel like everything flows pretty fluidly. I would've like to of had some descriptions for every character, but this is more of a personal preference, rather than an objective fault of the tale itself. As is it works perfectly well, aside from the one spelling mistake.
My thoughts overall pretty high. This serves as a great introduction, a lot of good set up for things to come, and it really establishes the characters in a way where you get what they're all about. It really makes this world feel alive going from all these different perspectives. I really do look forward to seeing where things go, especially with the overarching mystery of the nature of 'The Beast'.
under the flourescent lights
typo, "fluorescent"
doctor and more like a man who had repeated this action hundreds of times over.
Not uncommon for a doctor. Any person, really. Generally just a conflict of two things that don't stand in opposition.
He looked uncomfortable being inside the sterile lab.
"He looked" is the observation of an outside party, and cannot be immediately linked to being inside the lab.
It starts ideas of
"It starts with ideas of"
and then its speaking
it's
She a carrier for something?
While this is a speech pattern someone may adopt, it doesn't flow very well. "A carrier"
flower buds lodge inside
flower buds lodged inside
its’s a demon
"it's"
But she's just kid, right
"But she's just a kid, right"
eyes. "then maybe I didn’t.
eyes. "Then maybe I didn’t.
though his handwriting soaked with fatigue.
though his handwriting was soaked with fatigue.
Chamer 002
Chamber 002. This typo occurs twice.
Gillan even remember priest
Gillan even remember a priest
incase the
"in case the"
numerous dead cultist and
"numerous dead cultists and"
from the creatures body.
"from the creature's body."
presumed dead cultist.
presumed dead cultists.
It dulls the mind, stretchs every
"It dulls the mind, stretches every"
town who's only
"town whose only"
notable occurence was
notable occurrence was
nonsensical at the time. At the time, Gillan
Looks fugly.
Daniel was a short rotund man
"Daniel was a short, rotund man"
for containment specialist within
for containment specialists within
I know your enthusiastic
I know you're enthusiastic
Authority had become
has
two ASF patroled by,
patrolled
Its not what
"It's not what"
where there assignment
where their assignment
Site-024, Administration Offices
Site-034, Administration Offices
I think it is a functional introduction to the story. What I would like more however, is a greater red line between the segments. Transition from the morgue to the chamber shown a progress of the overarching narrative by revealing acquisition. I wish this trend continued through containment and administration, but they instead fall on exclusively characterization and people talking "about" the anomaly instead of "with it", if you understand what I mean. To put it more clearly, it tells me this anomaly is the main drive of the story, instead of showing me.
Additionally, there is a lot of characters. I don't know how many you plan on continuing with, but it might be worth cutting down on the names and focusing on a couple. As it is, and I'm mostly talking about the first segment, there's a lot of people who blend together, and the reader doesn't get an impression of who is important and who isn't.
Feel free to ask for clarificatuon.
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