Mathematics in my bone
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/markrod20
Asking for critique for my first RPC proposal.
Mathematics in my bone
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» Mathematics in my bone
Summary:
First draft for Mathematics in my bone.
crit
The class
Beta orange. Make sure it actually does say beta-orange. Also, this isn't a utility anomaly. Utility anomalies are actively used by the Authority for their own benefit.
Warning: RPC-XXX must never be spoken aloud, as doing so will immediately activate its anomalous effect on the speaker.
Don't use headers, just use block quote "> " instead. It's standard.
RPC-XXX's anomalous property is thought to be connected to some form of entity designated as RPC-XXX-1. Subjects under the influence of RPC-XXX turn into an anomalous item designated as RPC-XXX-2 instances.
The first sentence you have there, this mention of RPC-XXX-1, don't put it this early. Messes with the flow and works better as a plot twist later in the article when XXX-1 is actually relevant.
RPC-XXX primarily affects individuals with an estimated neurological maturity equivalent to an avarge average 18 year old. Testing with subjects exhibiting delayed brain development indicates that RPC-XXX’s effects manifest only in individuals beyond a specific threshold of neurological maturity, and the age of the subject is not afactor.
You're repeating this paragraph's information; it could easily just be one sentence.
This second sentence belongs to the previous paragraph. Break paragraph after this.
Approximately 90% of male subjects perceive RPC-XXX as the number immediately above it, while 90% the same percentage of of female subjects perceive it as the number immediately below.
Thecurrent theory suggests this may represent an evolved cognitive defense mechanism. RPC-XXX has no effect on non-humans, animals or artificial systems.
Thinking about RPC-XXX doesn’t trigger any effect, but if spoken in any language, the individual immediately loses the ability to read words. They can still read numbers and symbols connected to the usage of mathematics. The individual also develops an obsessive fascination with RPC-XXX and attempts to understand the number on a deeper level. After a 48-hour period, the person also lost the ability to speak words other than the vocalization of numbers and expressions used in mathematics. After this, the individual, within 24 hours, reaches some kind of revelation that ends this obsessive state and usually can be identified by a fearful scream. The time frame for these events is proportionally shorter the more knowledge of mathematics the person possesses.
Shorten this entire paragraph into only 3-4 sentences. The main issue I see with this article is the fact that it's incredibly long while divulging into very little information comparatively. Most information like
This movement is steady and exactly 50 cm/second.
isn't very necessary and can be easily deleted without help.
After this, the individual seemingly engages in a conversation with an entity designated as RPC-XXX-1. We failed to perceive or quantify RPC-XXX-1 in any way so far at this stage.
Not clinical, don't use "we" in an article unless it's said by an individual person or group. Remove all instances of "we" and replace it with a substitute like "the Authority Research Division".
Or, if you insist, put it all into a research division format block.
Individuals who lack any basic knowledge of mathematics, such as naming the numbers and knowing how to add or subtract numbers, don't trigger RPC-XXX-2's anomalous effect.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
Grammar Crit
(Containment Protocols)
RPC-XXX is impossible to contain due to its nature.
Change to:
RPC-XXX cannot be contained due to its anomalous properties.
Regardless of that, restricting knowledge and making discovery harder for the common populace is a priority by various means.
Change to:
Nevertheless, restricting knowledge of RPC-XXX and preventing discovery by the general population is considered a high priority.
Such as changing equations in books that would give RPC-XXX as an answer, or making cover stories about the calculation errors that RPC-XXX causes between machines and humans.
Change to:
This is achieved through the alteration of published equations that would otherwise yield RPC-XXX as a result, and by disseminating cover stories attributing discrepancies between human and machine calculations to error.
Due to the nature of RPC-XXX, the unredacted version of this document is only available to level 4 or higher members of the Authority and personnel directly researching RPC-XXX.
Change to:
Due to the nature of RPC-XXX, the unredacted version of this document is restricted to Level 4 personnel or higher, as well as individuals directly assigned to its research.
- RPC-XXX should never be spoken loudly, or its effect will activate on the person immediately!!!
Change to:
Warning: RPC-XXX must never be spoken aloud, as doing so will immediately activate its anomalous effect on the speaker.
(Description)
RPC-XXX is the whole number between [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].
Change to:
RPC-XXX is the decimal located between [Input Number] and [Input Number].
RPC-XXX has only an effect on individuals estimated to be 18 or older.
Change to:
RPC-XXX primarily affects individuals with an estimated neurological maturity equivalent to that of an adult.
After testing with a subject with a brain development issue, we concluded that RPC-XXX only has an effect on individuals who are above a certain level of brain development, and age is not a direct factor in itself.
Change to:
Testing with subjects exhibiting delayed brain development indicates that RPC-XXX’s effects manifest only in individuals beyond a specific threshold of neurological maturity, rather than age alone.
These individuals also don’t try to avoid RPC-XXX instinctively.
Change to:
Affected individuals display no instinctive aversion to RPC-XXX.
In case an individual can be affected by RPC-XXX, the individual will miscalculate equations and misread when they see RPC-XXX.
Change to:
When exposed, individuals miscalculate equations and misinterpret written expressions involving RPC-XXX.
Estimatively, 90% of males will identify RPC-XXX as the number above it, while 90% of women identify it as the number below it.
Change to:
Approximately 90% of male subjects perceive RPC-XXX as the number immediately above it, while 90% of female subjects perceive it as the number immediately below.
Currently, we theorize that this is a natural defense mechanism of the brain that humans developed through evolution.
Change to:
Current theory suggests this may represent an evolved cognitive defense mechanism.
RPC-XXX has no effect on machines or animals.
Change to:
RPC-XXX has no effect on non-human animals or artificial systems.
Tone Crit
Please remove the exclamation marks. Also change any use of the word people/persons to subjects. Additionally, you should flesh out more the discovery section of the anomaly.
I think you should focus on the moral/ethical dilemma. The Authority does not want to use CSDs. Story wise Id say this should be the crux of your story.
You also should define RPC-XXX-1 and RPC-XXX-2 earlier in the description for clarity. Right now they appear mid-way, which can confuse readers.
Final Thoughts
Honestly this is far from being ready. I think it would be best if you consulted some fellow writers on the discord on the best way to improve the article outside of what I already suggested. If this were to be uploaded at its current state I think I would give it a ⅖ stars.
Do not be discouraged by this. Just because it needs more time to be improved on does not mean the end. I believe with the proper help this story can be great. Please do not give up and lock in. I wish you good luck on your writing journey.
Thank you, I already did some fixing based on this. Curently thinking about how to expand the discovery portion and addition to the ethical dillema that this can rise.
/forum/t-17240186/mathematics-in-my-bone#post-