http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/oldboy
This isn't based on any existing mainsite format. It's something completely new, so don't be scared to criticize anything you don't understand.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
General Thoughts
But as stated before this is an ambitious work, especially one trying to create a standard for MI13 articles. I think that as an attempt so far, it's an amazing step in the right direction. I give the article so far 4/5 stars. I can't wait to see how you improve it!
General Issues
CR0100 is confined within St. John’s Gate under the supervision of the Subjugation Office at North London Station.
Missing a comma after Gate. Bit of a nitpick so you are okay ignoring it if anything.
The specimen is to be provisioned with a live bovine of any weight or species, weekly.
Format of the sentence is weird and no need to put or for weight and species. Change it to this instead: "The specimen is to be provisioned, weekly, with a live mature bovine of any weight and species."
the stabilisation of the containment illusion
I don't why but the use of the word containment here bothers me. Recommend you switch it to something else cause this seem a little to rough. Maybe remove the use of containment since we already know what the illusion does?
episodes of high-place phenomena.
I am legitimately confused by this section. What exactly is meant by high-place phenomena. Is it talking about intensity of magic? Physically how high you are? Or inebriation? May want to clarify with better wording.
Those who do so are reciprocated with a transfusion of CR0100’s own bodily fluid.
This sentence flow is very rough. Most likely because its in passive tone. I understand everything you are trying to say here but its sounds off. Somethings like, "Offering blood causes CR0100 to reciprocate with its own bodily fluids."
It is now believed that Thomas Howard intentionally hid the offspring's survival and had it reside within the confines of the Arundel Castle estate.
Passive tone here. Try this for the beginning: "Evidence suggest that Thomas Howard intentionally…"
theogonically
Is this a misspelling of theologically or is this an archaic word? Or is this a word exclusive to the RPC universe?
Thou art a hunter, art thou no?
"Thou art a hunter, art thou not?"
Since thou hast turned thy hunt from humans, thy kind hath grown frail
You use turned here as the modern day use of past tense. If you want to keep it archaic, make sure she uses -est instead. In this case maybe eth considering she is talking about the recent past.
[WITHHELD]
This seems a little excessive for characterization of the AOI. A simple "Classified" would work too.
When Parliament clamor, the
Change it to clamour. It is an England article.
Story
Jennet claimed that her mother had a familiar dog named "Ball" help her in her murders.
One thing I have to ask is if whether or not this is a fragment, essence, or what have you of what would become CR0100. Because I think one thing that should be stated in the acquisition is if a form of CR0100 existed as a familiar but would bond into a physical body with Jennet's Device daughter or not. Just feel it would be better clarification.
Composer: Jennet Device
This section confused me cause it infers that this is what allows for Immunity from the Hanover Curse but in the statement in the acquisition before it is stated that she died as a result of Hanover Curse. Or is it suggesting that by her giving birth to what would be then CR0100 that she composed the ritual pact?
Newnovel
I might not be in the know but is the magazine supposed to meant for anomalous agencies only? And if so how to they justify such massive breach in OPSEC? I mean it could easily go into the wrong hands and cause a lot of problems for agency secrecy. Also it being basically a gossip journal implies its more civilian? Is this supposed to be some kind of psyop in universe? Feel like clarification on who does and doesn't read this magazine and why he needs to interview CR0100 is needed.
Dialogue
Archaic grammar
I'm unsure if this is really a mistake or rather a personal choice, but CR0100 seems to change between modern grammar tensing and archaic grammar tensing very frequently. Suggest trying to decide which when they should lean more to first, or just ignore this critique if this choice is intentional.
Formatting
Draw a circle and a triangle inside with mammalian blood. This will create a protective…
This section here provides an idea for the formatting of future articles. Consider that MI13 is special as a goi for its use of thaulmaturgy, why not include a section specifically for the steps for rituals to be taken. Either named "Associated Ritual Procedures" or "Ritual Processes" with it being divided to the name of the ritual, the purpose of the ritual, and finally a guide of how to perform it. Only an idea that could add more character to the goi. And as for any time you need to tie it back to safety procedures you can always just refer back to it by its ritual name.
Dreams. Each man longs to pursue his dream. Each man is tortured by this dream, but the dream gives meaning to his life. Even if the dream ruins his life, man cannot allow himself to leave it behind. In this world, is man ever able to possess anything more solid, than a dream?
~Kentaro Miura
This is pretty good for what it is. Intro to MI13, introduces Hunting as theme of their military regiment, the magic they use to contain.
Only thing I wish for is maybe exploring the consequences with them teeing on the line. I get that you’re introducing points of failure for future stories, but toying with them at least a bit could do some good to define them.
Like, the Black Hunt curse slowly degenerates your neurological functions, and it gives rise to some bad apples, but what that entails isn’t really explained.
Boye herself is interesting. The interviews do a good job of weaving together all the disparate details of the synopsis. I commend you on managing that in such a short runtime.
View the specific pointers for concrete feedback.
Its holding cell has been adapted to suit the specimen's nature,
At first I thought the entity made the illusion itself. Maybe reword to make it clearer that MI13 can and will make such unique cells?
Associated Ritual
Is the general shape of this ritual unique to Boy or a template applicable to similar entities?
Despite its amorphous nature, the specimen possesses internal organs that closely resemble those of a human.
Most mammalian viscera does. I’m confused about what the takeaway here is.
The specimen's spiritual physiology
Is there more lore regarding this? It feels like it comes out of nowhere, and while I understand that magic is MI13’s whole deal, a more concrete grasp on “spiritual physiology” would help. My first impression is something like an “aura”, but that's probably not your intention because you used physiology, which describes continous function, over something static like form.
“malevolent aura."
So thai is different from “spiritual physiology”
delusion, hysteria, and acute paranoia,
Using “acute” to describe only the last symptom makes the others appear chronic.
high-place phenomena
I don’t think “phenomena” is a good word to describe a person-centric mental affliction. Something like syndrome, disease, or episode (would need rewording) makes more sense. If those are too basic, something “high-place eccentricity” would reflect the fact that it affects people.
The Hanover Curse is a curse that affects all thaumaturges within Britain’s Curseship. It accelerates one's advancement in thaumaturgy but carries the risk of the afflicted succumbing to the curse and transforming into a Bacchanal.
So all thaumaturges are constantly edging close to soul corruption? Funny
endocrine matter.
Hormones or glands or both? You’ve already listed blood. Kind of an ambiguous description.
Entity Notes:
-Amorphous structure
-Humanoid organs
-Minor deity-class stature
Are these notes supposed to important facts that someone might need to have fast? Or something else? I don’t understand the relevance of these specific facts. Like, “humanoid organs”, is that more important or unique than it being able to recruit you to its side or make you hallucinate?
Faced with her own child making accusations that would lead to her execution, began to curse
she began
The origin of CR0100 can be traced back to the Pendle witch trial6 in 1612, where Elizabeth Device was charged with the murders of 3 people through witchcraft. Her nine-year-old daughter, Jennet Device, was the accuser in Elizabeth's trial. Jennet claimed that her mother had a familiar dog named "Ball" help her in her murders. Faced with her own child making accusations that would lead to her execution, began to curse and scream at her daughter before her eventual execution along with 9 other accused witches.
I find this pretty interesting. I know it might not be too relevant, but how would a nine-year old “prove” witchcraft in a trial? How was she not just dismissed?
physiological alchemy
Kind of ambiguous. Physiological in what sense? Does it make people super soldiers or just medical alchemy?
This was contradicted by future evidence.
This sentence is obstructed y the figure notice on the image.
Evidence suggests that Thomas Howard intentionally hid the offspring's survival and had it reside within the confines of the Arundel Castle estate.
Something small that could help with worldbuilding is just adding a little description of what evidence. Was it a document, a witness (who?), a diary?
this "Black Hunt" taints the souls of those who follow its pathway and become a spirit beast
Dangling modifier and generally awkward sentence.
(Uncomfortable.) Eight arrests.
Unsure if this is MI13 characterization, but someone writing adjective-tone setters always feels a bit goofy. I’d prefer if it was done through a more objective, descriptive way. Like (Schwungrad looks away from CR0100 and at a nearby oak.) Or some other sign of distress.
Tell me, soldier… when the hunt returneth, shall thy greatest foe be the Bacchanal… or Whitehall?
Is this supposed to be a big moment? I haven’t read the MI13 hub yet so I don’t know what whitehall is.
