Lighthouse
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/almadraft26
Appreciate any comments. This one might be a tad too short, or could be taken in a different direction. I'm not too certain.
Lighthouse
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» Lighthouse
Summary:
WORLDS MOST OMINOUS TOWER
I think its an interesting concepts, but it could use a bit of adjustments.
Grammar
Paragraph 1:
- First paragraph has a few things that should be tweaked, since it's a bit awkwardly worded, and the standalone sentence "Located across the Sagrado Corazón de Jesús Parish, along the 10th Avenue (Carrera 10)" is incorrect since it lacks a subject and since it doesn't add all that much on its own it would be best incorporated in the previous sentence and its worth looking over and possibly rewriting for clarity.
- 23 floors -> 23 stories since in English, story is used as the counter for floors of a building
Paragraph 7:
- makes approximation impossible -> makes approaching (the building) impossible
now for critiquing the concept:
I think its overall a very interesting concept but it doesn't feel all that well explained (take this with a grain of salt my reading comprehension barely rivals that of a 5th grader), specifically how the building manifests itself to spectators. Additionally, I feel like a 48 story building with a perpetual fire hot enough to melt cast iron should have more effects on the surrounding area and denizens of Villanueva (esp. with the described smoke it gives off) even if they are unaware of its existence.
overall, I think its a neat idea and could improve with some more work, 7/10
An interesting part is the 90-minute window illuminating beyond the town, but how little it imprints on people's day-to-day activities is a bit of a missed opportunity. Like wouldn't there be some found media where it's documented in newspaper or even graffiti? Hell it can be suggested indirectly LO-556 is a product of that, but it just stops at their comment on "abnormal activities". The reasoning behind the invisibility property was interesting too but I can't pretend I understand how it works beyond the ocular blind-spot reasoning, which I doubt I would be alone on that as it stands. Also the last part elaborating on gualichu is all tell no show, perhaps you could tie it to people's interpretation of said abnormal activities?
One thing I wish it focuses on is its contexts, which it heavily relies on but never substantiate. For starters a basic description of Villanueva, suburbs surrounded by expansive farming land. It would give perspective how tall a 23 floor dwarves its surrounding, especially by the waxing phase. Having to look through Google Earth of all places was inconvenient to put that image together, cause immediately before challenging this assumption I imagined it as some commercial zone where a high rise building is expected.
Also I read the city suffered a paramilitary assassination of 11 people in December 8, 1998, using the firework celebration to conceal the shooting, which begs the question if the anomaly could have had any influence on the matter. Of course if there isn't a tasteful way to expand on this in mind it's best avoided.
Lastly a few nitpicks:
- Wouldn't it rather suggest a psychotronic effect with the current properties instead of generally psychological?
- I suggest you change gualicho to gualichu, as the former brings up a lot more articles about a dinosaur rather than the spirit.
- Lastly update the classification as the icon's still Omega-White. I assume it's a placeholder but it still kept me questioning if it is Gamma-Yellow or not.
I suppose the point is a demon spreading its influence upon a town detached from watchful eyes, but even that is lacking with the objects and music behind the blazing epicenter barely tying in to the rest of the narrative, so instead it feels unfinished delivering on much at all. Funnily enough, it positively reminded me of a NoMeansNo song, with some of its lyrics having a vague resemblance in concept.
ConProcs
Direct involvement in the concealment of RPC-933 is not required, as the anomaly is self-censoring.
“Direct involvement in the containment of RPC-933 is not required, as the anomaly is self-concealing.” “self-censoring” just feels like the wrong word.
visual evidence of RPC-933: owing to the size of Villanueva
I would advise breaking into two sentences at the colon.
Description
I know you’ve done this “incomplete sentences” thing in the start of other RPC’s, but personally I find it a bit weird. Doing the entire first paragraph that way is a bit much, and jarring compared to the rest of the article.
even while one is aware of its presence.
“When” not “while”
no enclosure or cladding work was ever conducted
“Compelted” not “conducted” Also, put the parenthetical explaining what the work is after the word “work”
in an approaching posture
Might want to explain what that means
This is reinforced by the apparent limits of its metamorphic influence.
What limits?
Once aware of RPC-933, observers become capable of perceiving of an intensely sweet, metallic smell in its immediate proximity, which is strongly suspected to emanate from the interior of these sculptures.
This sentence is kind of inserted in awkwardly
The temperature of the 23rd and 22nd floors makes approximation impossible by ground drones
Approximation? Do you mean exploration? Also, should be “22nd and 23rd”
often destroyed by collision
Collision with what?
A limited number of audio recordings
“Limited” just does not feel like the right word here. Maybe just “Several recordings”
Addendum
original document
“Documentation”
I would suggest adding some paragraph breaks between the lines in the LO entry, it looks a bit cluttered otherwise.
disallowing the identification
I would go with “preventing”
Internal documentation pertaining to the circumstances of discovery of LO-556 is yet to be found.
“Has yet to be found.”
Not sure how necessary this last bit is. Doesn’t feel like it adds much.
Final Thoughts
I don’t know about this one. It’s got some great imagery and manages to create some good atmosphere in a pretty small package, but it doesn’t really feel like it’s coming together. Some of the effects feel random and like they’re not really connected with each other. Not sure what the significance of the papier-mache sculpture is beyond introducing the increased mental effects, and those could just as easily be connected with the actual building. And some elements are just vague; I pointed some out in the description. Seems promising, but feels incomplete.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
/forum/t-17235304/lighthouse#post-