http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/fragment:morgana-le-fey-1
ITS HERE
FUCK antdem0n
FUCK Doomchad
FUCK Mr Makor
YOU ALL GETTING RAPED IN THE ETERNAL PITS OF HELL
Art by Mr Makor thanks I guess
OH AND THANKS TO Abbefalkon FOR WRITING AND HELPING WITH THE INTERVIEWS
Hex Passphrase: KingArthursRule
Why have a passphrase or code of any sorts if you're just going to put it out there in the first tab? Also, please don't use dark purple text over a dark background. Bad on the eyes.
HER MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT
It should be "PROPERTY OF HER MAJESTY'S GOVERNMENT" in accordance to proper formatting of British files of this nature
The image is kinda weird. It looks like a non-descriptive painting of someone, which is… a weird thing to put in a case file? In case it's ever needed for anything, such as identifying it?
- Signs of Albinism;
- Pale White Skin
- White Hair
- Pink Eyes
Those aren't signs of albinism, that's JUST albinism, which you clarify later on. Just say "Albinism".
1. Dubbed "SE0773" for convenience of documentation.
In the same way articles during interviews just call an anomaly by its number, I think the reader will understand what you're referring to without the footnote.
She possesses an abnormally high I.Q. of approximately 170 points, as indicated by prior academic assessments
I'm sorry but this is just a very goofy thing to put in this file, as IQ measuring of any kind hasn't been used in any form of official documentation for ages. I think you can be more formal and simply state her particular fields of expertise - which you do! in the next sentence!
Despite her notable proficiency in thaumaturgy, SE0773 requires specific conditions to perform specific techniques involving pact magic, but this is possible to change at any time.
See, this is something that WOULD require at least a footnote to make things more clear to the reader, because I really have no idea what this means. Also, the wording is a bit clunky, and repeats words, so I'd suggest changing it to something like this:
Despite her thaumaturgical expertise, SE0773 requires particular conditions to perform certain techniques involving pact magic, [and then idk what you tried to say with that last part]
SE0773 does not possess any significant psychological disorders or syndromes as per initial psychological evaluation, this is an outlier compared to previous powerful thaumaturgists, especially those known to employ high-level magicks.
I think it'd be better to start off the sentence with "Compared to previous […]" to make it flow a little better, otherwise the mentioning of mental issues kinda comes outta nowhere.
Also, "magick(s)" isn't a catch-all term for magic, but specifically to refer to actions that bring one closer to their True Will or destiny. It also only coined in the late 19th century by Crowley, for use in regards to his personal study in occult magic of Thelema. The only other real uses of "magick" are in the form of mistranslations or during transitional periods of the English language when "k" and "c" were used interchangeably.
[BEGIN LOG]
Just a stylistic choice, but I think it'd look better in bold and centered. Also, leave an empty space below, so it doesn't stick to the next line.
0773: [Snickers] Oh, what an honour. I didn’t expect such a… prestigious encounter.
Likewise, and this time to help readability, I think it be best if you visually differentiated actions by making them bold or italic.
Her tone sharpens, and her eyes narrow. The Colonel raises an eyebrow but remains composed.
I think this is unnecessary given this is basically what we can gather ourselves from her words, and it feels FAR too informal to de physical descriptions of what's happening in the recording.
0773: Rude? I’m here on my time, Colonel. My precious, limited time. So how about this: I talk, you listen. Alright? Good. Now that that’s sorted—
Why are you underlining text in a recorded, transcribed log? There's no reason for it, and it just makes the whole thing a lot less serious.
She leans back, arms crossed, her irritation simmering just beneath the surface.
I'm sorry, but this is just bad, and goofy. It's something that would already read a little silly on a tale, and much, much less in a transcribed log.
The Colonel exhales slowly, clearly exasperated, but waves to the agents monitoring the room.
More of the same. It just doesn't really have a place in this type of documents. Also, typo, it should be "he waves"
Before the camera is turned off. 0773 reclines in her chair with triumphant smirk
its-bleak.gif
This entire section is really bad, goes by to fast, and tells me absolutely nothing. You barely give her two sentences before she explodes like a boiling kettle, and by then, the interview is already over. There is also nothing here that we don't already know. Finally, I don't think I need to repeat my opinion on the… descriptions peppered between dialog lines. Yeah.
operation orchestrated by the Children of Nihil, a radical occultist group notorious
You should link to the Nihil hub. Also, it's technically incorrect to say it was orchestrated by the Children of Nihil, as they aren't a centralized organization. What you mean to say is that it was orhcestrated by a GROUP related to the Children of Nihil, either Nihil-Adjacent or Nihil-Core, that is weaponizing an anomaly.
Order of The Nine Angels
Brother who???
Church of Malthus, a notorious occult group
Link the hub as well. Also… there's technically nothing wrong with this, but it's basically the same wording as with Nihil. Feels a bit odd.
holy Macedonian silver-jacketed bullets
This is so fucking funny. It's basically the same as fighting werewolves with bronze swords that have silver scabbards. You are never using the silver bit. The "jacket" of a bullet is the shell, which is not fired alongside the projectile. It's what falls to the ground after you fire a bullet.
All in all, this section doesn't really provide anything of note about SE0773 besides a single mention of her having a temper. In fact, the second project does not mention her at all besides saying she, also, was deployed. The content of the projects themselves also don't really add anything more to the article.
I'm gonna start off saying that just copy-pasting the article again is a terrible way to add content to it. It's just filler. Please, at least highlight new additions to the article of making something entirely new with it. Hell, add redacted text to the first part that is later revealed in this one.
accommodations located near the offices of the [Nottinghamshire MI13]
Is there a reason why that word, and many others, are within brackets? This is text that was already present in the first version.
Any requests of items, furniture or any commodity is to be placed through appropriate channel supervisors within Her Majesty's Subjugation Office, refer to Attachment-0773-1 for further information.
Any reason why this in particular, and not the very last part, wasn't in the first version? Also, the wording at the start is a bit weird, so I'd suggest changing it to:
Any item, furniture, or commodity requests are to be placed through […]
Any violations to this will result in execution of the offender at the earliest convenience.
This line is sticking to the last one.
CR0773 identifies as and has proven to be, "Morgana Le Fey",
If it's confirmed, you can just say "is Morgan le Fey" (you don't capitalize the "le")
being a direct relative of Arthur Pendragon, Lord Protector
Depending on what interpretation you're going with, she's either her full sister or half-sister by the side of her mother, so you should probably mention that.
this was concluded after various blood, historical and arcane tests
I feel this could be expanded a little. It could also include just asking Arthur, if he's still alive, as the article implies by calling him Lord Protector.
Due to the biology and knowledge possessed by CR0773, all leads lead to that this person is genuinely Morgana Le Fey and should be treated as such.
This is just reiterating what you've already said, also "leads lead" sounds kinda bad.
being able to pull off
Terribly informal wording, you could try saying "being able to perform" or smth.
I gotta say, this whole paragraph's tone and informal wording, and the use of "potentially country-wide destructive abilities" makes it feel more like a character bio from a powerscaling fandom wiki than any form of formal documentation. You could use far more clear terms here, make a designation for, idk, Weapons of Mass Thaumic Destruction or smth.
Though an outlier being that none of these psychological disorders do not derive from her over-use and powerful magicks like most sorcerers
Should be "none of these psychological disorders derive from […]", and also what I said about the word "magick(s)".
CR0773
Is this lonely, non-aligned word at the top of the psychological report supposed to be there?
CR0773 is fluent and capable to write in several languages: Latin, Gaelic, Middle English, French, Spanish and Swedish, CR0773 reporting that they were there at the beginning when these languages were beginning to develop, even knowing several other esoteric and/or forgotten dialects from both Earth and The Otherworld.
INCREDIBLE runon sentence filled with grammatical errors that feels, again, like listing her powers and skills on a powerscaling wiki. You could've included her extensive linguistical knowledge and mentions of being there for their formation when you were describing her mental faculties and fields of expertise.
Though she does not seem to care able teaching MI13 anything about these languages, merely flaunting that she could.
Informal, and the last part feels really out of place.
decreed the permanent exile of CR0773 from the Otherworld and Avalon
Does this mean she's banned from Xian Dao, the Spirit Realm, and Al-Alam Al-Ghayb?
This ruling is based on charges of high treason, the murder of Merlin, and the torture and subsequent killing of Nimue Vivane, also known as the Lady of the Lake.
Putting the entire Arthurian myths into RPC and then killing off one if it's immortal characters in a way that is not related to anything in the books and records describing Merlin's life and demise is quite weird and restricting for other authors.
A long silence follows, around 17 seconds.
I think you underestimate how long 17 seconds are.
the second he left a probably 5-star womb, wouldn’t be surprised if Uther’s sperm was shining.
They… share the same mother thou?
But I? The other heir? No, there was nothing left to me after he had his share.
Is this meant to imply she was born second? Because that wouldn't be the case, as Uther was Igraine's second husband.
I won't bother repeating all the previous issues I had with this article's interviews, just that they got worse in this second version. I really had to force myself to keep reading, and wouldn't have continued hadn't I be doing crit of it. It's bad, trying too hard to be funny, and painfully long without any substance.
A large selection of black silk robes
Given Morgana's recorded history with robes of any kind, I find it surprising they give her any beyond a singular one for personal common use.
This section, which I talk more about in my final thoughts, does nothing but further show her lack of character, despite the amount of personal notes found in it. It also very repetitive.
I don't know why this tab is even in this version besides filler. Nothing about it has changed besides a single redaction that doesn't add anything new or interesting.
CR0773, known more commonly as Morgana le Fay. To me… she is my mother.
Mordred, in Arthurian myth, IS ALREADY the incestous child of Arthur and his half-sister Morgause (not the same as Morgana). Feels like a missed opportunity to make wholly original character or play with Ywain not being the actual child of Moragana and Urien, but having been born out of wedlock or by other means.
I'll be real, the reveal didn't do anything for me, nor did it make me look at the interviews in any different light. You don't gotta be someone's son to become a little creeped out at incestual rape, nor is it needed to get on the defensive after being the subject of spells and illusions.
“Now, the reason for such drastic measures traces back to a prophecy from the sixth century, spoken by the sisters. I will read it now.”
Terrific missed opportunity to use Merlin, who was mainly known by his prophetic words, as the one who spoke this. It would also give Morgana, who, as written in Arthurian lore, was good friends and even student of Merlin, a reason to kill the guy.
A main issue in this article is that you could change her from Morgana to someone named Spingy Loopus of Avalon and nothing besides her familiarity to Arthur would change. No lore or references to text regarding Morgana from before or after the Vulgate Cycle. Nothing here expands or is based off of anything about Morgana, Give her evil portrayal, I can only assume you based her off of Sir Thomas Malory's Le Morte d'Arthur and, even then, her characterization throughout the books is very inconsistent - and if that's something you're trying to portray here through her mental conditions, it's not done very well, as she ONLY ever acts smug or condescending the entire time.
In all, this just feels like a very stripped down, pop culture interpretation of her character, almost a parody. None of the spells and feats that Morgana is said to have performed in Arthurian tales are mentioned in any way here! Healing, the magic by which she was most known for, is never even referenced. Hell, 99% of the mental illnesses you name hardly matter or are represented in any way in the article. Worse than a mischaracterization, or lack of any characterization, she just feels… empty. She's not a character in any form, but just sounds like a parody one, like the joke characters and dialog one would make when mocking some random "haha so silly and random" tumblr wizard oc, many of these examples can be found in the request records section:
“preferably the deep crimson of freshly spilled blood, but I’ll tolerate standard ink if you must.”
YOUR LOW-BROW TECHNO-BABBEL CANNOT POSSIBLY TRANSCRIBE MY TEXTS FROM THE SOUL!
A black cat, one that has stared into the abyss and been stared back at.
When asked about its purpose, she simply responded, “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
Request for a jar of honey but only the kind whose bees have whispered their dark secrets to.
It's just plain bad. And even worse, quite cringe to read.
The ending also wasn't as impactful as it could've been, as there is zero leadup towards the Termination Procedure. As it stands right now, this is a bad article in general, and a terrible article about Morgana la Fey.
I know you have two, very lengthy lore docs linked at the bottom of the page, but it doesn't excuse the lack of footnotes and explanation for various terms throughout the article. I'd forgive this if both links were shorter, but they aren't, at all.
█ - Red text to indicate advised deletion.
█ - Green text to indicate advised addition.
█ - Orange text to call to attention.
0773: Gravesy, don’t tell me you need a refresher already? Fine. Since we’re being so terribly formal—Morgana le Fay. The Morgana, yes. Not one of those cheap knock-offs who keep showing up in your little history books.
This barely adds to her dialogue as is. An interesting spin would be to name the knock-offs sorely. "Unlike a [entity's name] or [entity's name]". There is definitely powerful witches/fairies in folklore that can be misinterpreted as Morgana.
0773: [Laughs] Oh, darling, if anyone ever actually manages to kill me, I’ll throw them the biggest celebration this side of the afterlife. Think confetti, marching bands, maybe even a little skywriting—‘Congrats, You Did It!.
There are better choices of words she can come up with here. This strikes me as plain, which Morgana is anything but.
0773's waistcoat shifts
Can also mean it a positional shift. It's fine, not sure if there is better wording here.
but howse about your region there.
"howse"?
If your newborn started the same level
my life is like a video game~
Perhaprs use caliber, league, maturity, etc. level of what? better use a different word instead of "level of", let alone "level" as is.
[The shifting of guards, tapping of keyboards and looks from all sides are traded.] [guards shift and look to one another as tapping continues.]
[Director General Graves plunges his fingers into the table, poking straight through the iron and ripping it backwards. 0773 doesn't notice at all.]
I imagine it's a part of the table, but this is a bit too much detail on his frustration, no?
[exhales]
You can trim a lot of this so it doesn't pan out, cause as it stands it gets on my nerves reading her going back and forth from smug witch to petulant child. That's the point, but that exercise can be condensed to fewer logs of dialogue. As it stands this "exercise" is less engaging and more dull therefore painful to read.
[She sucks phlegm from the back of her throat mockingly]
Ew why. There are more tasteful ways to describe this expression come on.
[03/09/91] Requested black silk robes and one crimson cape. [Approved 07/09/91]
Can she not shift her clothes appropriately?
Also, some personnel notes lack a `>` box
"A single feather, yet it holds more grace than most of you BARBARIANS here.
Each project excerpt has two thirds of pedantic details before we see 0773's role, ie the interesting part. The build up is longer than the highlight, and the highlights themselves leave a lot to be desired by how brief they are.
Overall I feel disappointed, as I deem a lot of extraneous details could have been omitted or condensed to waste less of my time attempting to connect them with anything else substantial in the article. Some trimming here and there would certainly elevate it to a less bloated and more fun read.
Okay I'm not the best critic but here's my critique:
Since you've been working on this for two years, I was expecting something really good. This article went beyond my expectations. Excellent work.
It's pretty alright at introducing Morgana. I especially liked the slip showing her diagnoses. My two main nitpicks are the tone could use to be a little more clinical and there are several statements made in the synopsis that would fit better in the safety protocols.
I really like these interviews. The dialogue is really, really good. Morgana's really charming in them, even when she's acting like an asshole. I don't really have any significant notes, except maybe the "prestigious encounter" line at the beginning could be reworked to make its tone sound a little more mocking.
Really great way to wrap all of this up. Again, no notes.
This is a really nice introduction to a couple of characters who have a lot of versatility for future stories. Morgana is charming while simultaneously being a clearly wicked woman. Graves/Mordred comes across a lot weaker by comparison, but a lot of that could be due to the fact he’s forced to play the straight man to a far more interesting character. The twist didn’t have a lot of impact for me but that is almost certainly due to the fact that this article has been in development for years and I knew of the twist almost since its inception.
The interviews are strange, they do a lot to establish Morgana’s character and history. The issue is it’s being told by someone who already knows the story to someone else who already knows the story. I understand what’s happening cause you yap my ear off about Arthurian Myth, but most people are going to look through this asking “Who are the dryads?” “Who are all these nobles running around?” “What is being implied when the queen gets magic cancer by giving Arthur a blowie?” These are questions I already know the answer to, but you can’t expect the average RPC reader to know that Morgana disguised herself as Arthur’s wife to conceive Mordred.
A lot of these could probably be fixed with footnotes, but I also fear that it would lead to so many footnotes that it would be distracting. I honestly can’t think of a super elegant solution to the problem at this very moment, but as is, it serves as an introduction to a character who already went through a story, but we’re given too little context for the parts of the story we’re shown.
The humor for the most part, lands for me. It reminds me a lot of Umbrella Academy where I enjoy watching the character, but I am acutely aware of the fact that if I were in the same room as her I would jump out of the highest window I could find.
I remember there being a draft where there was a fake article that she would be allowed to read before revealing the true article. I still kind of wish that were present, but there’s already quite a bit going on with this so cutting out the borderline meta text would probably be too much.
associated procedures is strictly restricted to the Lord Protector
“Strictly restricted”, while technically accurate, doesn’t flow very well due to the shared syllables in the words. Maybe you could do something like ‘restricted to all but the Lord Protector’ to make it flow better.
CR0773 is also incredibly-versed in thaumaturgical studies and applications, being able to pull off arcane feats no other thaumaturgist has been able to achieve by themselves and with no third-party assistance, granting her a variety of incredible abilities;
I commented that I really liked the former idea where there would be an article that glazes her that she would be allowed to read, only to find the ‘real’ article that got into the nitty gritty. This feels like a holdover from that initial idea. This feels almost out of character for MI13 to write it this way. Maybe tone it down just a notch so that it feels a bit more natural?
CR0773 is fluent and capable to write in several languages
Should be something like ‘CR0773 is both fluent and literate in several languages including:’. Flows better and is more concise.
CR0773 reporting that they were there at the beginning when these languages were beginning to develop
Should be something like ‘CR0773 reported that they were present at the natal stages of these languages’ development.’
Colonel Anthony
I don’t know if this is a distinction between British and American militaries, but in most military documents the last name is referred to instead of the first.
[We continued recording with the tables integrated microphones, there's no visual aid further on.]
This may be me misreading, but aren’t these written by a sternographer? I know for a fact at least interview 2 and 3 are written by one. Is it both? It’s just not as clear on a second readthrough.
here is one guaranteed way to keep the bird from flying: removing the sky.
I get the vibe you’re going for, but this does not go hard.
Despite my disdain, I will show you how it is done.
This seems weird, since this is ostensibly an attachment put onto a document, but it’s worded like a direct reply. It’s worded almost like an E-Mail response rather than an attachment that could be read at any time.
UNAUTHORISED ACCESS DETECTED? THIS BREACH HAS BEEN REPORTED TO THE DIRECTOR-GENERAL
I love how it’s phrase as a question and response. Sounds like an infomercial in my head. Should probably remove the question mark and replace it with a period.
his long black hair tied back
I thought you said he was a redhead in the vc?
This is not ambition though, it is stability.
‘Though’ should be replaced with ‘however’.
So as I will, I will take claim of the sword
Should be ‘as I will, I shall take claim of the sword’. This makes it clear that it is referring to the classical definition of will of desire and wish, not will as in I will do that. Otherwise you’re repeating the same word twice in a sentence which isn’t good for flow.
But don’t let it be mistaken, public opinion is our number one enemy, as my position as new reigning monarch of the united kingdom mustn’t be disputed, as the rightful king must be the one to wield it
This sentence is really long, and could be cut into 2 or even 3 sentences. As-is it drags on and covers multiple subjects in one go, making it really clunky.
Ultimately, I really like this. In terms of character writing it’s pretty solid, establishing a lot of Morgana’s and Mordred’s characters. It’s a lot of setup for other articles, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does leave me with the fear that there won’t be many articles that actually utilize this setup. This is perhaps more of an RPC issue than a Morgana issue, but this piece does its job, and does it well.
There are probably going to be a lot of people who don’t like the concept of this article being setup for other things, but it’s necessary for these things to be out there so others can work with it. It more than makes up for it with the story of Mordred and how he’s planning on keeping his mother around or killing her if she gets too uncontrolled. Honestly, he’s more of the main character of this article than Morgana is. Mordred is the one reacting to the changes that Morgana represents and has to decide how to deal with her showing up. Even in the circumstance where she gets the chance to tell her story, she’s still playing the antagonist, only this time to Arthur’s kid. Which is interesting to me and what really gets me attached to this article.
I also enjoyed the humor of having the sternographer subjected to Morgana’s shenanigans as she walks the two of them through her past and visions. Probably the funniest joke that was told through the article, even if it was more understated. Though, the humor throughout the article otherwise is very hit or miss for me. Maybe it’s a symptom of me having read this over and over again, but a lot of the jokes don’t land. It could also be an intentional thing of Morgana thinking she’s funnier than she is, but it should probably be noted regardless.
Overall, I really enjoyed this read and think it would make a really good addition to the mythos of RPC. I had fun reading it, I enjoyed thinking of situations Morgana and MI13 would get into due to this scenario, and I enjoyed you riding my ass for years over me actually critting this article.
As one final note, I can’t believe Arthur and Spider-Man both have radioactive cum that kills their loved ones.
