The Rite of Spring
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/964
Hope you enjoy critting it!
The Rite of Spring
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» The Rite of Spring
ConProcs
Nitpick, but I’m not sure this qualifies as a “Grouped Hazard” That’s specifically cases where bringing multiple things together causes an effect, or at least it feels like something affecting a group of people doesn’t match the description
Various public documents have been altered (academic/popular books, tourist brochures, internet websites, etc.) to purport the existence of local customs resembling RPC-964 events. A gaslighting campaign across RPC-964's area of effect was put in place to support this idea.
Switch tenses there between sentences. “Has been put in place” might be better for the second.
Field Team 003-964 is to remain stationed at Site-964A
Nitpick, but it’s been established that sites constructed for one specific anomaly are called “OL-Site-###” Also, why is it site A? You don’t mention any other sites
They are to be disrupted by either placing soundproof headphones on RPC-964-A or physically removing them from the area.
This sentence could be rewritten, since I read it and took a second to realize it’s not about the Field Team
Also, I personally, were I writing this, would phrase it as “RPC-964-A instances.”
The Authority is cooperating with the Greek government to rapidly defund RPC-964's area of effect
Maybe “depopulate” rather than “defund”
Site-964A has been expanded, stationing an MST-Hotel 1 ("Highlanders") battalion.
“Site-964A has been expanded, with an MST Hotel-1 (“Highlanders”) battalion stationed onsite
Nearby MST battalions have also been placed on short notice.
Just notice. Not short notice
Description
In some cases, RPC-964 has also affected recently deceased corpses and/or animals (mostly felines and canines);
You dorp this in and you don’t really elaborate on it
These have been noticed to vary over RPC-964's history
Maybe “these patterns” just to make clearer
An anomalous mechanism is hypothesized to directly stimulate an individual's neural activity, allowing them to perform a variety of specific movements.
How exactly is this necessary? None of the movements described are physically impossible, even if you make it sound like people have some difficulty.
Attempts to triangulate the source of RPC-964's signals would require a high budget and years of coordinated work; as RPC-964 is currently considered low-priority, such operations have not been approved.
This seems like the kind of detail that would make more sense in the containment protocols. As it is it breaks the flow of the paragraph by having no relation to what comes before or after.
In the first phase of the event, RPC-964-A will abandon all current tasks and attempt to find a suitable place to congregate. Temporary amnesia begins after this point.
I would advise maybe having the phases in bullet points rather than single-sentence paragraphs. Just looks better
In the second phase, RPC-964-A will hold hands
Nitpick, but maybe “join hands”
ndividuals of an unfitting bodily composition may fall over, potentially causing mild injury.
What does that mean?
RPC-964-A will randomly scatter around an area proportional in size to the number of participating individuals.
How is it proportional?
All instances will ignore most external stimuli: attempting to elicit the patellar and corneal reflexes failed, indicating severely reduced brain function
You switch tenses midsentence there
(which are considered to be mutually causal)
What are?
Earlier cases often resulted in strokes and aneurysms, either during or immediately after the event;
That sounds like the anomaly is more dangerous than just “White” which it used to be classified as
Addenda
You do this weird thing on the last two addenda where you start a new line after the colon even though you weren’t doing that before, it looks a bit sloppy
The whole note is just ridiculous, very flowery, and it really took me out of the article by just being very purple and silly. The fact that he can’t just say “woke up in a cold sweat” was particularly bad. And the bit at the end where he lampshades how purple it is doesn’t help, it actually makes it worse. Definitely tone that down
This resulted in a variety of implanted memories in on-site staff
“This CAUSED a variety” the discovery presumably did not give people memories
is currently in the works.
Maybe “being drafted” would sound more formal and clinical
however, all tend to agree on there being one eye, four upper-torso limbs, and flames on its head.
All tend to agree on it having one eye, four limbs on its upper torso, and a head engulfed in flames.
See the Containment Addendum for more information.
The single sentence paragraph here feels unnecessary
Final Thoughts
Overall, good show. There’s some sloppy elements in terms of the flow of the story and some grammar issues, but all things considered I’d say it’s fixable. One major issue I have though: I’m not super up on RPC lore, but I believe “memetic” isn’t just a catch-all term for “mind control thing” it’s specifically something that forces people to spread it, like a contagious idea. Please let me know when you apply my crit, as I’d love to take another look at it; feel free to reach out to me on Discord as well.
Situation normal, Cap'n! Spiraling out of control!
/forum/t-17168130/the-rite-of-spring#post-