http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/rapeodile
My main concern is the dialogue, which doesn't entirely convince me to he honest (though a crit of the full thing would be nice).
It's also not completely done yet, but I'd like to correct any mistakes
Charlie's Critique
Grammar
In addition, a shallow freshwater pool has been installed to support RPC-XXX's hydration and thermoregulatory needs.
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A shallow freshwater pool has been installed to support RPC-XXX’s hydration and thermoregulatory functions.
RPC-XXX is to be fed once a day.
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RPC-XXX is to receive one feeding per day.
All of RPC-XXX's dietary needs are to be met with a high-protein, low-fat regimen consisting primarily of fish, poultry, and vitamin supplements.
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Its dietary requirements are to be fulfilled via a high-protein, low-fat regimen composed primarily of fish, poultry, and vitamin supplements.
Due to its extensive history of violence and aggression, direct interaction with RPC-XXX is limited to personnel with Level 3 clearance or higher.
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Due to its documented history of aggression, direct interaction with RPC-XXX is restricted to personnel holding Level 3 clearance or higher.
Personnel entering RPC-XXX's containment chamber must be accompanied by two security guards, and all interviews must be conducted through a partition of bulletproof glass.
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Any personnel entering the containment chamber must be escorted by two armed security officers. All interviews are to be conducted through a partition composed of bullet-resistant glass.
Confirmed sightings of RPC-XXX are to be suppressed through the dissemination of controlled disinformation.
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Confirmed sightings are to be suppressed via the dissemination of controlled disinformation protocols.
Local traditions and legends regarding RPC-XXX are to be allowed to persist, as they help to maintain public disbelief in its actual existence.
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Local folklore and legends pertaining to RPC-XXX are to be permitted to persist, as they reinforce public disbelief in its actual existence.
Mobile Specialized Team Uniform-9 ("Jungle Watchers") is tasked with monitoring zones believed to be frequented by RPC-XXX.
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Mobile Specialized Team Uniform-9 ("Jungle Watchers") is assigned to monitor regions believed to be frequented by RPC-XXX.
Should a direct confrontation occur, RPC-XXX is to be rendered unconscious using tranquilizers and transported to Site-031 for containment.
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In the event of direct engagement, RPC-XXX is to be subdued via tranquilization and subsequently transported to Site-031 for containment.
It has green-gray keratinous scales, elongated limbs that end in clawed, webbed hands, and a tail roughly 1.5 meters long.
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The entity is covered in green-gray keratinous scales, with elongated limbs ending in clawed, webbed hands, and a muscular tail measuring approximately 1.5 meters in length.
Its head resembles that of a Caiman crocodilus (common caiman), but on a significantly larger scale.
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Its cranial structure closely resembles that of Caiman crocodilus (common caiman), albeit significantly larger.
RPC-XXX is highly agile, capable of both sustained movement on land and efficient aquatic locomotion.
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RPC-XXX demonstrates high agility, capable of sustained terrestrial locomotion and proficient aquatic movement.
As an ectothermic organism, RPC-XXX depends on external heat sources to regulate its metabolism.
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Being ectothermic, RPC-XXX relies on external heat sources to regulate metabolic function.
Prolonged exposure to temperatures below 25 °C renders it lethargic and largely unresponsive, during which time it poses minimal threat.
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Extended exposure to temperatures below 25 °C induces a lethargic, largely unresponsive state, significantly reducing threat potential.
RPC-XXX is sapient and predatory, possessing cognitive abilities roughly equivalent to those of a baseline human.
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RPC-XXX is a sapient predator with cognitive faculties comparable to that of a baseline human adult.
It can speak fluent Spanish and rudimentary English.
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The entity is fluent in Spanish and demonstrates limited proficiency in English.
Its preferred hunting strategy involves stalking its victims over long distances before ambushing them.
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RPC-XXX employs a preferred hunting strategy of long-range stalking followed by ambush.
It often evades detection by using elements from its surroundings (terrain, natural camouflage, and environmental distractions) to its advantage.
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It effectively utilizes environmental features such as terrain, natural camouflage, and ambient distractions to avoid detection.
The preferred victims of RPC-XXX are typically isolated individuals living near rivers or streams, particularly in marginalized communities with little to no access to centralized security or reliable communication systems.
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RPC-XXX primarily targets isolated individuals residing near river systems, particularly in marginalized communities with limited access to security infrastructure or communication systems.
In several documented cases, targets reported feeling watched, or hearing faint singing or whistling by the riverbank at night, shortly before disappearing.
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Documented cases note victims reporting sensations of being watched or hearing faint singing or whistling near riverbanks at night prior to their disappearance.
Prior to containment, RPC-XXX avoided densely populated areas and direct confrontation with armed groups.
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Prior to containment, RPC-XXX actively avoided densely populated areas and direct engagement with armed groups.
Although highly territorial, it would relocate following an attack if increased attention from local authorities or other groups posed a threat to its continued activity in a given area.
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Though territorial, RPC-XXX demonstrated an adaptive response by relocating following attacks if increased scrutiny from local authorities jeopardized operational concealment.
RPC-XXX demonstrates accelerated healing capabilities, particularly regarding dermal and soft tissue injuries, although it can also recover from deep lacerations, broken bones, and organ damage at a rate approximately three to four times faster than a non-anomalous human under optimal conditions.
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RPC-XXX exhibits accelerated regenerative abilities, particularly in dermal and soft tissue repair, with recovery from deep lacerations, fractures, and internal trauma occurring at a rate three to four times faster than a baseline human under optimal thermal conditions.
This process slows significantly when RPC-XXX is exposed to cold temperatures.
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This regenerative process is significantly impeded when the entity is subjected to cold environments.
RPC-XXX is responsible for the kidnapping and murder of approximately 118 individuals, with the grand majority of its victims being females.
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RPC-XXX is confirmed responsible for the abduction and killing of at least 118 individuals, the majority of whom were female.
Though it is believed that the actual statistic is far higher.
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Current estimates suggest the actual number of victims is significantly higher.
This story was then picked up by two international cryptid blogs and a popular Venezuelan paranormal YouTube channel, sparking limited social media interest in the case.
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The article was subsequently shared by two international cryptid blogs and a Venezuelan paranormal YouTube channel, generating limited social media traction.
Authority webcrawlers flagged the blogs and the video, and a containment team was dispatched to the area under the guise of an environmental and public safety investigation.
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Authority webcrawlers flagged the referenced blogs and video content, prompting the deployment of a containment team under the cover of an environmental and public safety assessment.
Embedded operatives administered amnestics to Officer Ortega, key witnesses, and media personnel, and discredited the story by attributing it to a viral hoax exacerbated by heat-induced hallucinations and yellow fever.
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Embedded operatives issued Class-A amnestics to Officer Ortega, relevant witnesses, and associated media personnel, discrediting the event as a viral hoax influenced by heat-induced hallucinations and yellow fever outbreaks.
The area surrounding the incident was formally designated a protected ecological zone to restrict civilian access, and an investigation was immediately launched afterwards.
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The surrounding region was formally designated a protected ecological zone to limit civilian intrusion, and an internal investigation was initiated immediately thereafter.
Given RPC-XXX's selective preference for female victims, along with the existence of multiple folkloric elements that portray it as a perverse and sexually motivated predator, its appointed containment teams submitted a proposal to the Office of Ethics and Review suggesting the use of female CSD personnel as bait in capture attempts.
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Due to RPC-XXX's observed preference for female victims, and its portrayal in regional folklore as a sexually motivated predator, containment teams submitted a proposal to the Office of Ethics and Review (OER) recommending the deployment of female CSD personnel as bait during capture operations.
Although initially rejected by the OER, the proposal was tentatively approved following a more extensive and careful review.
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While initially rejected, the proposal was later tentatively approved by the OER following a comprehensive secondary review process.
The following are a selection of capture attempts carried out by MST Uniform-9
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Below is a selection of documented capture attempts conducted by MST Uniform-9 ("Jungle Watchers").
Story
Honestly coming into the draft based on the title I was expecting something different, but so far the drafts story isn't bad. I like the whole cryptid theme you have going here and how it has a preferred prey. Good stuff honestly. Currently i have no complaints over the story and can't wait to see as you improve the draft with added criticism.
Draft Aesthetic
Personally I think you should contain all the conservation logs into collapsible. You've already done it for the archive containment procedures so you have the CSS. I think containing the logs into collapsibles will contain the size of the draft.
Additionally, I recommend exploring page themes to add an aesthetic color flair to your draft.
Final Thoughts
I like it and I think with more crit given it van easily be given a ⅘ to 5/5 in my opinion. Good luck and continue your writing journey.
The entity is fluent in Spanish and demonstrates limited proficiency in English. RPC-XXX employed a preferred hunting strategy of long-range stalking followed by ambush. the sudden shift to past tense here confused me for a second. i think it's odd that this being prior to containment is only specified in the next paragraph; it should be clarified earlier.
RPC-XXX is confirmed responsible for the abduction and killing of at least 118 individuals, the majority of whom were female. Although current estimates suggest the actual number of victims is significantly higher.
“River Demon Stalks Fishermen?”, which featured quotes from Officer Ortega and as well as photos of the canoe wreckage and the footprints. i thought his name was officer arriaga?
Don Manuel, I appreciate you taking the time. We're researching local legends and stories for a cultural preservation project. kinda strange dialogue 2 me. imo it'd make more sense to add this cover story in the addendum, you'd think since the guy has agreed to the interview he already knows what it's about. reminds me of this lol
While various versions of the tale exist across Colombia, specially especially along territories connected to the Magdalena River, the upper Amazonian versions of the story cast the Alligator Man as a violent, vengeful being who steals women that pollute the river or offend forest spirits and drags them away to “marry” them or feed on them beneath the water, in stark contrast to the more tragic depictions found in coastal versions of the story. this entire paragraph is one long sentence. i suggest separating it into two or three sentences, would flow a lot better
You’re angry, that much is obvious. But underneath that, you're unsettled—and trying to retain some semblance of control by acting as if you're above all this. Am I correct? you don't need to bluntly explain this guy's character directly to the reader
It rests a claws claw against the surface and narrows its eyes.
Hey, I'm just trying to stablish establish some context, maybe a timeline. It's That's all.
She looked down at a man with a twitch in his cock ans and decided that it made him worthy of damnation.
It is nice, though your definitely definition of "light" is different from mine.
Both doctors share a lough laugh
Are you sure you're ready for this?? unneeded extra question mark
hmm. pretty good grammar and clinical tone for the most part, and i have to compliment your pacing; despite being about 6.5k words long, this article did not feel its length. this article wasn't really what i expected either, which can be a good thing, but i'm sorry to say this but i can't say i enjoyed it very much.
first things first, i was having a pretty good time with the article during the discovery section. the latin american setting and descriptions of events made for some good atmosphere, and the whole section felt like an episode of lost tapes. i enjoyed the eyewitness interview very much.
my enjoyment of the article unfortunately took a nosedive once the rpc got contained. for the most part, the interviews were just a back-and-forth of mr. lizard saying something smug and edgy, hurtado showing that she's not fazed, and continuing with the interview. mr. lizard's dialogue was incredibly corny. i thought as the article went on he would become less smug, get angrier, as this edgy façade he puts on starts to slip, but no, he doesn't really change. the most we get is him getting pissed off because he's bored. he then almost kills hurtado, and then disappears. my main point is i never get a sense of his relationship with her developing; throughout the interviews he's calm and smug and then in the last one he suddenly goes off about wanting to kill hurtado.
i do believe there is some missed potential in mr. lizard's characterization. for one thing, in interview 2 he talks about his regenerative abilities in such a descriptive and flowery way, it's like he's just making this stuff up to seem more formidable. but no, he really does have these abilities apparently. in addition, there is some talk about him secretly hating his lizard form, but that's quickly brushed off. really, there is something quite interesting about a lizard man frustrated with his existence who has been killing and making up stories about himself to feel better, and it would be so compelling to see his smug attitude slip more and more with each interview, but it just isn't present.
my biggest issue with this article is The Rape. why The Rape? i don't understand where this article is trying to go with the implied rape mr. lizard does to his victims. at best it appears as if it's trying to comment on toxic masculinity and rape culture, at worst it feels like it's just going for shock value. the most it's acknowledged in the article is when he talks about his supposed origin in interview 3, and even then it's barely touched on. if you want to write about such heavy subject matter, it really shouldn't just be handwaved away and left in the background like this. such a thing should not just be window dressing.
on a smaller note i was quite disappointed when i opened the updated file at the bottom of the page and was presented with a plain reiteration of the fact that the rpc is now uncontained. come on my guy we already knew that
anyways yeah, i'm sorry but i didn't have a good time with this piece. please consider retooling the story, characterization, and themes, and get some more people to look at your article.
blabbo
