GOJIRA!
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/gojira
90% complete, might as well get some crit out of the way.
GOJIRA!
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» GOJIRA!
Summary:
Contest entry.
Your first sentence is a bit stiff and repetitive, using "contained in" & "containment locker in" only words apart. Consider using alternative synonyms.
The rest of this section is brief, to the point, and as such does not require further mention.
"RPC-XXX's composition shows no anomalous properties."
Specify the type of composition—Atomic, Quantum, ACS, Infopane/memotic, etc.
"RPC-XXX-A is an area resembling Eastern Tokyo as depicted in Godzilla."
Specify the Godzilla movie (year).
"It differs from baseline reality in many ways, the most noticeable of which being the lack of any noticeable color. While the space within RPC-XXX-A is visible, no objects emit any wavelength of light which can be detected by human color receptors, resulting in every object appearing to be black, white or grey."
Keep the second sentence, remove the first. Or combine the two to reduce redundant and repeated information.
"The second most obvious way in which RPC-XXX-A is the passage of time."
I assume you meant to say "which RPC-XXX-A differs from baseline".
"RPC-XXX-1 instances alive and dead often show varying degrees of radiation poisoning and also report significant gaps in memory between "scenes" and are only able to recall specific events which correlate to events in the movie."
This sentence is too long; consider putting a period somewhere.
RPC-XXX-B and G
RPC-XXX-B & RPC-XXX-G.
"RPC-XXX-G also demonstrates abilities not seen in the film, such as the formation of acid rain clouds following its rampage."
As it is now, this part feels forced. Mention that the radiation has been seen evaporating water, leaving behind clouds of acid rain.
"People within RPC-XXX-1 will leave behind any clothing they may be wearing and will be automatically adorned with clothing from their respective character."
Use a different synonym for clothing.
"within [REDACTED], Japan"
You don't have to redact this.
"After RPC-XXX's anomalous affects were discovered, the investigation was transferred to the Paranormal Trafficking Surveillance Unit"
Describe this discovery a bit more. Be more specific.
"I am set to arrive in America tomorrow when my flight lands. I hope those in the Academy share in my observations."
The Academy of True Arts is located somewhere in Europe
Don't forget to finish your Addendum before publishing.
Good luck in the contest.
If I did not know this was a hazard poker entry, I would not be able to tell. That’s a huge compliment especially from some drafts where you can tell they had to reach to get all of their hazards in. Every piece of this story fits together really nicely, and you tie it into RPC lore by including the Academy in a believable way, as well as adding some nice history by including a defunct Japanese AOI. The article is just well composed, and it knows what it’s doing.
The draft isn’t technically done so I can’t comment heavily on the experiment logs but the history is really strong stuff. There is some stuff that is slightly confusing, but mostly due to wording issues. For example, can multiple people enter the same instance of -A? If you can, what’s the window for doing so? The wording on how the buildings work are also confusing. I didn’t really get what you meant by that section.
It’s always a little weird whenever I like a draft like this because I don’t really know what to write here other than “I liked it”.
Info-Hazard
I don’t think this article counts as an info-hazard. Visual or sensory, maybe. From my understanding info-hazard is to be used when information itself is dangerous.
RPC-XXX is contained
Containment protocols are typically in future tense, as they are instructions to follow. So something like “RPC-XXX is to be contained”. I could have technically put the entire conprocs in here but I’d rather not beleaguer the point
upon the conclusion of a test
Conprocs are partially meant to foreshadow the events that will happen in the article. Maybe a reword to “Upon their return from RPC-XXX-A”?
Should this occur, the RPC-XXX-1 instance(s) will be teleported to a separate anomalous spacetime designated RPC-XXX-A. If one or more RPC-XXX-1 instances activate the anomaly's effects after another group has already entered RPC-XXX-A, they will be transported into a separate RPC-XXX-A instance.
The wording here makes it slightly confusing on the “rules” for multiple people entering the movie at once. This can be rephrased to be a bit clearer because as-is I don’t quite know how it functions.
Buildings that are not relevant to plot-critical scenes often lack detail and attempting to enter these buildings through their windows or doors results in the door of another building being opened. Traveling through this door will transport that subject to the opposing building
This segment here I have difficulty with. I think I understand what it’s trying to say but I’m not certain. I would provide an example as to how to make it clearer but I don’t have enough confidence to do that. I don’t even know what you’re trying to convey here.
RPC-XXX-A is inhabited by two types of entity
This segment feels awkwardly phrased. Mainly because the way it’s phrased implies that both types of entity have multiples, when there’s only one godzilla. Maybe something like “RPC-XXX-A is inhabited by RPC-XXX-B instances and another entity, designated RPC-XXX-G” to make it clear that only one has multiple instances.
All entities within RPC-XXX-A follow the script of the movie.
This sentence’s wording implies that the person trapped in the film also follows the script, which is contradicted when the article describes instances where -1 stops following the script.
As such, direct measurement of RPC-XXX-A has been rendered impossible.
This sentence feels unnecessary. You could honestly delete it and lose nothing. Maybe reword measurement to “recording”? I would say axe it.
[REDACTED], Japan
Why is this redacted? It doesn’t have to be, just name any random town. The anomaly isn’t even there anymore, it's fine.
This is neat, but I’m not sure it actually qualifies for hazard poker. I don’t think any of this describes an info-hazard, which was one of your cards. Other than that what you have here is really well put together, enjoyable, and has a clear vision to it. Still can’t comment on the testing logs but I feel like they should go above the discovery. I can’t imagine anything in the testing logs being more interesting than the history of how the anomaly came to be. Leaving the discovery for last would leave more of an impact and have the end of your article be the big revelation of how this thing came to be.
Beyond that, I just have more praise. I like how this ties into deeper lore. I like how there’s a lot of moving parts around the anomaly like a Japanese AOI, KK, Academy, and the Authority all doing things around this anomaly even if it’s not directly relevant. It makes it feel like it actually is a part of a grander world where stuff happens and it all affects each other. Avoiding completely the common pitfall of all articles taking place in a vacuum. Very nice
RUUUUUNNN, IT’S A STILL FROM THE HIT 1954 FILM GODZILLAAAAA
Should this occur, the RPC-XXX-1 instance(s) will be teleported to a separate anomalous spacetime designated RPC-XXX-A. If one or more RPC-XXX-1 instances activate the anomaly's effects after another group has already entered RPC-XXX-A, they will be transported into a separate RPC-XXX-A instance. referring to teleported people as RPC-XXX-1 is kinda confusing and clunky. you can just call them affected subjects, teleported individuals, etc. i mean later in the article you keep switching between calling them XXX-1 and subjects
It differs from baseline reality in many ways, the most noticeable of which being the lack of any noticeable visible color. While the space within RPC-XXX-A is visible, no objects emit any wavelength of light which can be detected by human color receptors cone cells, resulting in every object appearing to be black, white or grey.
The second most obvious way in which RPC-XXX-A is the passage of time. did you miss a couple words here
A subject's tenure within RPC-XXX-A will never exceed 96 minutes,3 though the subjects report experiences lasting hours or even days. remove the third footnote. readers will probably notice that the runtime is about the length of a movie, and they'll make the connection. you really don't need to explicitly point it out
RPC-XXX-1 instances alive and dead often show varying degrees of radiation poisoning and also <— add comma report significant gaps in memory between "scenes" <— add comma and are only able to recall specific events which correlate to events those in the movie. you previously stated that people who survive get teleported back, but this sentence reads like dead people also get returned, and are still able to communicate?
For instance, vehicles may move in a manner more similar to radio controlled models than real hardware actual machinery for transportation.
The buildings inside RPC-XXX-A display anomalous properties. <— remove period, replace with colon Buildings that are not relevant to plot-critical scenes often lack detail and attempting to enter these buildings through their windows or doors results in the door of another building being opened. Traveling through this door will transport that subject to the opposing building. i'm confused as to what you're trying to say here
RPC-XXX-A is inhabited by two types of entity: RPC-XXX-B and G. wording them both as "types of entity" implies that there are multiple -B and -G instances. i strongly suggest rewording this sentence
RPC-XXX-B are sentient humanoid entities identical to the cast members and extras of the movie while RPC-XXX-G is a being identical to the titular monster of Godzilla as shown in the movie, measuring 50 meters in length and height, and 20 meters in width. this sentence is a little long and clunky, and it's awkward how it describes the -B instances for a little bit, gets to elaborating on -G, and then in the next paragraph continues elaborating on -B. i suggest rewording to (sorry this part's a bit long):
RPC-XXX-B are sentient humanoid entities identical to the cast members and extras whom appeared in Godzilla. RPC-XXX-B are fluent in Japanese and will ignore attempts to communicate in other languages. RPC-XXX-G is a massive entity identical to the movie's titular antagonist, with a length and height of ~50 meters and a width of ~20 meters. RPC-XXX-G demonstrates all the abilities originally shown in the film, such as emitting a directed beam of energy from its mouth, creating tremors and tidal waves upon moving, and the passive generation of alpha, beta, gamma, and neutron radiation. The entity also demonstrates abilities not shown in the film, such as the formation of acid rain clouds following its rampage. All entities within RPC-XXX-A follow the script of Godzilla, and fail to react to any course of action deviating from it.
and then the next paragraph can just go into how subjects become the main characters, "Certain RPC-XXX-B instances may be replaced by RPC-XXX-1 instances…" yadda yadda
People Subjects within RPC-XXX-1 will leave behind any clothing they may be wearing and will be automatically adorned with clothing from their respective character. As such, direct measurement of RPC-XXX-A has been rendered impossible. this part is weird. what do you mean by "leave behind"? how does this make it impossible to measure RPC-XXX-A?
The tape is edited as if it were the original Godzilla film, with the name names of the RPC-XXX-1 instances being added to the main credits at the film's start.
RPC-XXX was discovered by Japanese law enforcement in August 1990 following an investigation into the suicide of Eji Anno within [REDACTED], Japan. you really don't need to redact the place name. it just looks lazy. do a little research, look on google maps or whatever, and decide the best option for a place
After RPC-XXX's anomalous affects effects were discovered, the investigation was transferred to the Paranormal Trafficking Surveillance Unit.
After years of waiting, I have finally been accepted into the Academy. At long last, I can succeed where my father left off. I am most joyous! I know it is my destiny to prove the worth of Tokusatsu as a genre. i strongly suggest adding more detail to the discovery introduction before the journal entries. footnotes 6 and 7 can be moved out of the footnotes and into the discovery introduction, as currently the break the flow of the journal. elaborate on details such as the crime scene and eji anno's history in the discovery introduction.
I am set to arrive in America tomorrow when my flight lands. I hope those in the Academy share in my observations. the academy is a european school
Subject Designation: CSD no. 1954 CSD-1954
Ethnicity: Caucasian "caucasian" is a very obsolete pseudoscientific term. just say "white american" or something
there are things i enjoy about this article. the base anomaly is neat, i love the atmosphere, and i really like the idea of this guy trying to "improve" on an old movie by just making the themes more obvious; there's something interesting to be said here about our relationship with political commentary in art, smug superiority in artists, and remakes not often living up to the originals.
what i dislike comes to play in the discovery section. over the years i've grown to realize that recovered journal entries as storytelling devices in a lot of scp/rpc articles just don't work that well, and this one here is no exception. it's very tell-don't-show, having this character describing to the audience what happened and how he feels. at least in my opinion, this article would work a lot better if you got rid of the journal and tried implying what happened through a description of the crime scene and this character's history in the discovery section. show don't tell, my guy. BUT! i will say that i still really enjoy the smug "they don't understand me" aspect in the writing of the journal, and a few lines such as "gojira awaits my presence". it could possibly work if you turned it into a much shorter found suicide note or something.
that's all i have to say, idk where you're gonna take the story with the test logs lol. regardless, i see the potential for quite a strong article here! i have no idea if you'll be able to get this out before the deadline, but i don't see that as too much of a problem. rushed articles don't usually end up well. good luck!
blabbo
The containment protocols are succinct and to the point. I don't see anything that I would suggest needs to be changed. Maybe a comma after 'Site Director' and before 'Hiroi Genichi'.
Moving to the description, in the first paragraph, I noticed some typos. For the second sentence: "Making eye contact with the figure in the photograph transports subjects, hereafter referred to as RPC-685-1, an area resembling Eastern Tokyo as depicted in Godzilla (1954), herafter referred to as RPC-685-A."
Missing a "to" before "an area resembling". The second 'hereafter' has a typo/misspelling. It is missing an 'e'. I'm also not sure about the 'e' in Eastern Tokyo being capitalized.
In the third sentence, I would add a comma after 'white' and before 'or grey'. The first sentence of the third paragraph: "Additionally, many of the constructs found within RPC-685-A resemble and function similarly to film miniatures and set pieces more than their "real" counterparts."
I would change 'more than their "real" counterparts' to 'rather than their "real" counterparts.
Second sentence of the third paragraph: "For instance, vehicles may move in a manner more similar to radio controlled models than actual motor vehicles."
I would change 'more similar to' to 'more closely resembling'. Also, I would change 'radio controlled' to 'radio-controlled'.
First sentence of the fifth paragraph: "RPC-685-1 instances will replace specific RPC-685-B instances depending on certain aspects of their life, including current or present occupation, past experiences, biological sex or personal beliefs."
I would add a comma after 'biological sex'.
Aside from these grammatical issues, however, I don't really see anything that could be improved upon. There's enough here to paint a full picture of the story without going into excessive detail and the details you do mention are relevant. Very good job!
Possessed, owned, controlled, by the common-sense infected rational gaze.
Great crit, thank you very much. The only comment I want to add is that typically when giving crit, we put whatever line we're critting in front of a > (make sure to have a space between the words and the symbol), and then we do the crit. A-like so:
This rocks
/forum/t-17165012/gojira#post-