Beyond the Veil

Summary:

Hazard Poker submission

Beyond the Veil

LalliicSilviColden 12 Jul 2025 00:41

Pls be honest.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/beyond-the-veil

---

Heinrich Himmler
About me:
Age: 13
Nationality: Filipino

Re: Beyond the Veil

ColonelGW 12 Jul 2025 04:50

+ Review

I love memetics lore, and I like that this expands on the idea of memetic quanta being a physical thing by having something that eats it. A nice take on the "concept eater" trope. That being said, while I respect what you're trying to do with the interview, in its current state, the dialog feels too unprofessional and brings the story down by at least a star. It needs to be revised for sure.

+ LbL

All efforts should focus on maintaining the veil on the anomaly.

Consider:

Containment efforts currently focus on keeping RPC-XXX's existence out of the public eye.

The naval team that last saw the amomaly

Consider:

The naval MST which last established contact with the anomaly

Any and all discoveries that relate to the containment of RPC-XXX are to be immediately sent to Containment Division's protocol laboratory for evaluation

Information relevant to RPC-XXX's containment is to be sent to the Containment Division's protocol laboratory for evaluation.

RPC-XXX is an aquatic lifeform visually resembling a species of Cetorhinus maximus1 and an approximate size of 15m.

So, what kind of creature is this? Is it a fish? Mammal? You could really afford to be more descriptive. Also, I would replace "size" with "length", add other dimensions and factors such as width, height and maybe weight, too. Also, I think it'd be better if the species name was italicized.

commlonly

Typo!

RPC-XXX has two brains. One is a normal brain similar in size and structure to that of a Delphinapterus leucas,2 located in the region in between its eyes. The second brain is located on the inside of the mouth. Its only function is acting as an artificial memotic ground while constantly generating a large density of garbage information for the purpose of creating and maintaining a memotic dump, which the anomaly uses to gather food.

Consider:

RPC-XXX has two brains: The first brain, located in a region between the anomaly's eyes, resembles that of a Delphinapterus leucas(Footnote) and is responsible for all cognitive and automatic functions. The second brain is located inside the mouth (Is it visible? Or is it under the gums?). The secondary brain is used to create and maintain a memotic dump used for gathering "food" in the form of physical memotic quanta.

The most interesting property of RPC-XXX is its diet, which consists primarily of physical memotic quanta instead of any organic food.

Should you go with my previous crit, I would cut this sneedtence ^

The anomaly is capable of sensing the memotic vectors in the infoplane and possesses an understanding of where it should be in the physical plane to catch the quanta utilizing its artificial ground/dump.

Consider:

RPC-XXX can sense memotic vectors in the infoplane and demonstrates an understanding of its location relative to the nearest memotic quanta due to its artificial ground/dump.

that act similarly to the nervous system and become

Typo! You forgot the "S" in becomes. Also, I feel like you could elaborate on "nervous systems". We humans have five alone, imagine how many a creature as large as this could have.

dr.

Another typo! Dr. should be capitalized.

And quickly fleeing to another location, Though sometimes the creature shifts into the infoplane for an extended period of time for no apparent reason.

Consider:

And quickly fleeing to another location. However, the entity has been known to shift into the infoplane for periods of up to (number, unit) for reasons currently unknown.

RPC-XXX in its behavior is very similar to Delphinapterus leucas,

Another place where italicization would be necessary.

It shows a similar degree of curiosity towards humans, except for Authority researchers, as multiple failed attempts to contain it seemingly lead to RPC-XXX feeling threatened by it, therefore

Consider:

It shows a degree of curiosity towards humans, however, all attempts to contain the entity by Authority researchers have lead to RPC-XXX fleeing the area, presumably because it feels threatened.

Authority Marine Biologist dr. Howell

Capitalize Dr. again.

inside the RPC-438's lakebed.

I would cut "the".

dr. ███████ Howell

No. 1: Capitalization again.
No. 2: Why censor his first name, but not the last?

Interviewer: Dr. ██████████

I'll echo my Discord crit: I feel like you should give this guy a name.

at site-██

Site isn't capitalized, also you might have PCOS because you forgot the period at the end.

Dr. ██████████: Alright, it SEEMS everything is working properly this time. For protocol, please state your name and affiliation with the Authority. Again.

Should you keep this sentence, I would uncapitalize the "Seems" and italicize it instead.