http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/main-operationalwolf
This is an old draft that I've yet to completely finish. From the last time I've worked on it, it seemed it was technically completed but needed a bit of refinement.
-Dr. Pierson
"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
Pierson, I mean this in the most affectionate way possible, you’re a real sick fuck. The way this story is presented is really well done with all the different iterations presenting new and more compelling information. Everything slowly comes together to make a haunting story of a man so afraid of death he would kill his own children, and become this vampiric thing haunting Japan long after his reign has ended. Paralyzed by the fear of death so he unleashes it on others. Really good stuff.
That being said, there are a lot of word choices and phrasing issues that really drag this article down. It was almost a shame to be so invested in what was happening only for a really awkward sentence to come and just rip me out of the narrative. I think it speaks to the power of the premise and presentation that despite these I still came out of the article with a positive impression, but if these are fixed it would be a lot more compelling.
Also, the reference to Bathory is mint. I love historical references in articles, top tier. I especially liked how it wasn’t just Historical Event, But Anomaly. It was a connection more nuanced than that, which really strengthened the reveal and the final section of the draft.
Hazard type: Ontological
I don’t think this is a thing anymore, can’t find it on the T&H page, anyway.
Mobile Specialized Team X-Ray-6
You forgot the tag of the MST’s name, or this was written before that standard.
Signs, that advise individuals to pair with a partner or family due to criminal activities, are to be displayed outside on all gates of the East Gardens
The commas don’t need to be here, friend.
mobile hub for operations has been set up to support operations
Redundancy in the text here.
If in the event that a person
“If, in the event that a person.”
seen in these footage.
“Seen in this footage”
On February 18, [REDACTED]
We know when this article ends, 2018. Deleting this year does nothing other than not give me a clear idea of how many people went missing. If you uncensor this, it would give a more coherent idea of scale.
complaining supernatural activities within the palace grounds
Fucked up the wording here
at 13:06 PM
Either use a 24 hour clock or AM/PM. Halfsies just look weird
monitor Shigeo, but the agent reported to have lost visual contact on Shigeo.
Redundancy in this sentence. No need to say his name twice.
a 10:11 AM
Lol.
he was aware of something that we don't
This is worded strangely. Either he was aware of something we aren’t or he knows something we don’t. Not both at the same time.
and constantly stared at with bloodshot eyes.
Worded poorly. Should be something like “constantly stares at the subject with bloodshot eyes”
cause heighten anxiety
Caused heightened anxiety. Or even just “Cause anxiety”
a hallucinate
A hallucination
RPC-800-2's face everywhere in their surrounding
This is way too vague, please elaborate and word this more clearly. Does not work as is. Also, “surroundings”
When there is no person to observe RPC-800-1, RPC-800-1 will disappear through unknown means.
First of all, don’t repeat the same phrase back to back in the same sentence. Second, reword the first part to say something like “When RPC-800-1 is unobserved…”
An Authority recovery team is always on standby within the Imperial Palace grounds given most reported missing persons are found there within hours, but given the fact that only 10% of RPC-800-1 instances are recovered, recovery isn't always successful
This sentence is fucked. It’s way too long, has contradictory information, and breaks clinical tone. Rework this entire sentence. Maybe break it up into multiple sentences.
and increase heart rate, which eventually caused cardiac arrest.
And increased their heart rate, causing cardiac arrest.
standard amnesticise procedures
Wouldn’t this be “standard amnestic procedures”?
He kept looking his shoulder
Lol
(Ryuji continued to be unresponsive to Dr. Ito's questions. 2 minutes later, Dr. Ito terminated the interview after Ryuji failed to answer her questions and was escorted by security)
A few things. One, Redundancy between Ryuji being unresponsive and refusing to answer questions. Doesn’t need to be restated, especially not back to back. Two, escorted by security where? Who? I can assume that Dr. ito was escorted out of the hospital but the sentence can also easily read as Ryuji was escorted out for not answering questions.
Dr. [REDACTED]
Why is this redacted? You already made up like 7 names, just make up one more. It being redacted serves no purpose and is distracting.
XXXX
Why is the year censored, this serves no purpose.
I attend the [DATA EXPUNGED]
Why? I don’t think you have to worry about doxxing fictional Japanese people. Unless this article isn’t as fictional as it appears.
I believe we need to look into more on RPC-800-2, he seems to be the center of this then we had anticipated.
What? This sentence needs to be reworked it is so fucked. I can kinda understand just off vibes, but I should not be vibe-reading on an article written in a clinical tone.
07/09/XXXX
Why is the year censored?
XX/XX/XXXX
[REDACTED]
I understand you are trying to achieve a vibe, but censorship by itself is not scary. I would even argue that it detracts from the article as now you are muddying the timeline for the sake of seeming spookier. Censorship is scary when there are powerful implications of what actually is being censored. The name of the schmuck who’s writing about a robot and the day they picked up the robot when it was left in Anomaly Day Care do not leave powerful implications.
(Echo-4 gets up and expects the fluid he slipped on
Did you mean the word “inspects”? Genuinely curious because it sounds like this sentence swapped halfway through you writing it.
All looking identical in the same. Camera at this point shutdown, but audio continues to work)
Slight sentence errors here. Easy fix.
been gone missing for two months
First, delete ‘gone’. Second, earlier it was described as them being missing for 4 weeks. While a bit longer than a month I certainly wouldn’t call it 2 months worth of time missing.
involved in various immolation during
Minor typo makes this sentence confusing. Please fix
The entity's appearance various from eye witness accounts
The entity’s appearance varies from eye witness accounts.
Its appearance has never been authenticated until a recovered camera confirmed its appearance.
Appearance repeated twice here, redundant. Especially redundant considering the previous sentence’s use of the same word.
it inexplicable covers the corpse and dematerializes entirely under a minute.
Wording errors. Simple fix ideally.
non-euclidean geometry,
NO. IT IS NOT NON-EUCLIDEAN. Non-euclidean geometry was used as a shorthand for alien, impossible geometries by a writer who could not pass math class to save his life. All geometry on the planet Earth is non-euclidean. There are other phrases that we can use to describe eldritch locations that don’t dredge up century old math errors.
and eventually open when
Opens when
heighten anxiety,
Heightened anxiety.
a suicide fatality rate of 80%.
A suicide fatality rate implies that all victims try to commit suicide, and of those 80% succeed. If this was not your intention you should reword this.
those disgusting black goo.
Messed up wording.
I did not want face death
Lol
I must continue to do my reign at any amount of cost to ensure eternal.
What? Rewrite this sentence, please.
recovered a partial data
Not how this should be worded. Clunky as is, please reword.
This article has a really compelling premise, and the story is executed competently. That being said, the abundance of poor phrasing, word choices, and sentence structure causes this article to slowly tank in quality over time. It’s an interesting moment where I realized that I stopped actually taking in the story during the line by line crit because there were simply that many errors. There are without a doubt some I missed or even just ended up glossing over.
I will say that the photo used for 800’s modern appearance is a little outdated, with some amateurish composition. That being said, it ultimately didn’t detract too heavily from the article and was well done enough to not be distracting.
I would definitely give this a few solid readthroughs to catch any more phrasing issues that I may have missed. It’s almost there, just gotta get it through that final stretch.
I don’t think this is what they meant by “Banzai”
Don't count this as a crit.
But I did read it over and wow this is a cool concept!
Can't wait to see it get finished.
Anyways, back to eating kebabs in the dark.
Charlie's Critique
(Rev 1 - Containment)
Due to concerns of public exposure, Mobile Specialized Team X-Ray-6 are to be on-site during visitation hours, and survey individuals susceptible to anomalous manifestation.
Change to:
Due to concerns of public exposure, Mobile Specialized Team X-Ray-6 is to remain on-site during visitation hours and monitor individuals susceptible to anomalous manifestations.
Signs, advising individuals to pair with a partner or family due to criminal activity, are to be displayed outside on all entrances of the national garden.
Change to:
Signs advising individuals to remain with a partner or family due to criminal activity are to be posted at all entrances to the national garden.
A small, mobile hub has been set up to support operations, and ensure all individuals entering the location safely exit from the area.
Change to:
A small mobile hub has been established to support operations and ensure that all individuals entering the location safely exit the area.
(Rev 1 - Description)
RPC-800 is an unidentified phenomenon manifesting within the Kyoto Gyoen National Garden, Japan.
Change to:
RPC-800 is an unidentified phenomenon manifesting within the Kyoto Gyoen National Garden in Japan.
During the spring and autumn seasons, a number of persons will disappear in broad daylight, though the disappearances themselves occur at random.
Change to:
During the spring and autumn seasons, several individuals disappear in broad daylight, though the occurrences are random.
All recorded instances vary from age to age, but most appear to be under ~22 years old.
Change to:
While ages vary among recorded instances, the majority are under approximately 22 years old.
When RPC-800-1 enters the national garden, they will begin to behave antisocially or express misery.
Change to:
Upon entering the national garden, RPC-800-1 instances begin to exhibit antisocial behavior or signs of distress.
While in this emotional state, RPC-800-1 will attempt to avoid security cameras and any person in their view.
Change to:
While in this state, RPC-800-1 instances attempt to avoid security cameras and any nearby individuals.
When not observed within the next ~15 minutes, RPC-800-1 instances will disappear.
Change to:
If unobserved for approximately 15 minutes, RPC-800-1 instances disappear.
While many RPC-800-1 instances are captured by CCTV footage, the footage often becomes unreliable due to data corruption.
Change to:
Although many RPC-800-1 instances are captured on CCTV, the footage frequently becomes corrupted and unreliable.
However, in some cases, footage of RPC-800-1 is instead glitched with numerous blood marks, followed by a Japanese text next to RPC-800-1.
Change to:
In some cases, however, the footage becomes distorted with blood-like markings, accompanied by Japanese text appearing next to RPC-800-1.
A face of a man, appearances identical to that of Emperor Meiji, can also be seen in these footages.
Change to:
The face of a man resembling Emperor Meiji can also be seen in this footage.
On February 18, [REDACTED], a woman was found within the Imperial Palace, later identified as Ai Hagiwara.
Change to:
On February 18, [REDACTED], a woman later identified as Ai Hagiwara was found within the Imperial Palace.
Further examination revealed that the deceased's blood is noted to be exsanguinated entirely, but explanations for this causation, potentially a byproduct of the location's effects, could not be conifrmed.
Change to:
Further examination revealed complete exsanguination, though the cause—potentially a byproduct of the location’s effects—could not be confirmed.
(Rev 1 - History)
RPC-800 was discovered in 1968, following the disappearances of a mother and her two month old baby.
Change to:
RPC-800 was first documented in 1968, following the disappearance of a mother and her two-month-old infant.
According to the Kyoto Prefecture Police Department, their disappearance was ruled out as an accident, but thorough investigations by the Japanese branch uncovered dozens of missing persons, many of whom were last seen in the Kyoto Imperial Palace.
Change to:
The Kyoto Prefecture Police Department ruled the incident an accident; however, investigations conducted by the Japanese branch uncovered dozens of additional disappearances, many of which were last reported near the Kyoto Imperial Palace.
A two-month surveillance uncovered various instances of anomalous activity.
Change to:
Subsequent two-month surveillance documented multiple instances of anomalous activity.
However, in 1916, two construction workers were reported missing by their colleagues.
This is fine, but for flow:
In 1916, however, two construction workers were reported missing by their colleagues.
It was later determined that the workers had simply quit their jobs after complaining about supernatural activities within the palace grounds, but the validity of these claims has been disputed.
Change to:
Authorities later determined the workers had simply resigned after reporting alleged supernatural activity within the palace grounds, though the validity of these claims remains disputed.
A month after this incident, the renovation was abandoned.
Change to:
The renovation was abandoned one month after the incident.
(Rev 2 - Containment)
All entrances within both the Kyoto and Sento Imperial Palaces are to be monitored.
Change to:
All entrances to both the Kyoto and Sento Imperial Palaces are to remain under continuous surveillance.
Authority personnel on-location has been increased to cover the entirety of the Kyoto Gyoen National Garden.
Change to:
On-site Authority personnel have been increased to ensure coverage of the entire Kyoto Gyoen National Garden.
To monitor every person entering within each sector, security checkpoints have been established with all visitors requiring a visitor identification tagged with a tracking chip.
Change to:
Security checkpoints have been established at each sector, with all visitors required to carry identification tagged with a tracking chip.
Any RPC-800-1 instance experiencing any symptoms of emotional distress are to be immediately detained and removed from location.
Change to:
Any individual suspected of RPC-800-1 manifestation and exhibiting symptoms of emotional distress is to be immediately detained and removed from the location.
Use of amnestics has been prohibited by order of the Office of Ethics and Review (EaR).
This conflicts with the prior line — I’d phrase it like:
However, the use of amnestics at this site has been prohibited by directive of the Office of Ethics and Review (EaR).
(Rev 2 - Description)
RPC-800-2 is described to have a pale skin, covered in a mix of unknown gelatnous, and constantly stare with bloodshot eyes.
Change to:
RPC-800-2 is described as having pale skin, covered in an unknown gelatinous substance, and maintaining a constant stare with bloodshot eyes.
Extended presence causes frequent appearance of RPC-800-2, which in turn will cause anxiety and, in most cases, a panic attack.
Change to:
Prolonged exposure results in repeated appearances of RPC-800-2, often leading to heightened anxiety and, in most cases, panic attacks.
RPC-800-2 is only visible to RPC-800-1, and cannot be observed by unaffected persons.
Change to:
RPC-800-2 cannot be perceived by unaffected individuals.
RPC-800-1 instances who experience a panic attack will see RPC-800-2's face everywhere in their peripheral view, which will cause them to run away from crowded areas.
Change to:
RPC-800-1 instances undergoing panic attacks report perceiving RPC-800-2’s face throughout their peripheral vision, typically resulting in flight from crowded areas.
Prior to disappearance, most tracking devices generally pinpoint the instance's location within the Imperial Palace grounds, but this has been disregarded as unreliable data given most tracking devices were later found outside of the palace.
Change to:
Prior to disappearance, most tracking devices indicate the instance’s location within the Imperial Palace grounds; however, this data is considered unreliable, as many devices were later recovered outside the palace.
Sometime between 1998 to 2000, a renovation of the Kyoto Imperial Palace sector uncovered a hidden passage similar to the one found in 1975.
Change to:
Between 1998 and 2000, renovations within the Kyoto Imperial Palace uncovered a hidden passage similar to one discovered in 1975.
As a result of this discovery, an exploration team was dispatched by the Authority.
Change to:
Following this discovery, the Authority dispatched an exploration team.
The team later uncovered that most of the passageways lead to a hidden room that was approximately 40 meters below the Emperor's throne room.
Change to:
The team determined that most passageways converged into a hidden chamber located approximately 40 meters beneath the Emperor’s throne room.
A week after the hidden room's discovery, a second hidden area was discovered, leading to a several passageways.
Change to:
One week later, a second concealed area was uncovered, leading into multiple additional passageways.
An Authority recovery team is always on standby within the Imperial Palace grounds given most reported missing persons are found within hours.
Change to:
An Authority recovery team remains on standby within the Imperial Palace grounds, as most reported missing persons are located within hours.
However, due to the fact that only about ~10% of RPC-800-1 instances are recovered, recovery isn't always optional.
Change to:
However, given that only ~10% of RPC-800-1 instances are successfully recovered, recovery is not always feasible.
The psychological trauma experienced by RPC-800-1 instances revealed that RPC-800-2's appearance continues to occur outside of RPC-800.
Change to:
Psychological evaluations of recovered RPC-800-1 instances indicate that manifestations of RPC-800-2 continue outside of RPC-800’s area of effect.
However, it's to be noted that these cited appearances have been proven to be traumatic hallucinations rather than anomalous manifested cases.
Change to:
However, these reported appearances have been confirmed as traumatic hallucinations rather than anomalous manifestations.
However, these common sightings by RPC-800-1 instances increased by the 1990s, the cause of which was contributed to the use of Class A-2 amnestics.
Change to:
Reported sightings among RPC-800-1 instances increased significantly during the 1990s, a trend attributed to the use of Class A-2 amnestics.
Following these cases, the use of amnestics on RPC-800-1 instances was prohibited by the Office of Ethics and Review.
Change to:
In response, the Office of Ethics and Review prohibited the administration of amnestics to RPC-800-1 instances.
(Rev 3 - Description)
RPC-800 is a Class II incorporeal, extra-dimensional entity that has been hypothesized to be the former Emperor of Japan, Emperor Meiji.
Change to:
RPC-800 is a Class II incorporeal, extra-dimensional entity, hypothesized to be the former Emperor of Japan, Emperor Meiji.
While it remains ambiguous how the entity manifested to its current form, it is purported that he was involved in various immolation during his reign as Emperor until his subsequent passing on July 30th, 1912.
Change to:
While the means of the entity’s manifestation remain unclear, it is purported that Emperor Meiji oversaw numerous acts of immolation during his reign until his death on July 30th, 1912.
The entity's appearance various from eye witness accounts, though common description include appearing in their late 80s, bloodshot eyes, pale skin, and covered in a mixture of red and black stain, hypothesized to be dried and warm blood.
Change to:
The entity’s appearance varies between eyewitness accounts, though common descriptions include the figure appearing in its late 80s, with bloodshot eyes, pale skin, and covered in a mixture of red and black stains, hypothesized to be dried and fresh blood.
Its appearance has never been authenticated until a recovered camera confirmed its appearance.
Change to:
Its appearance was never authenticated until a recovered camera confirmed it.
While the data shows no discernible eyes, many RPC-800-1 instances still affirm they saw bloodshot eyes when observing RPC-800.
Change to:
Although the footage shows no discernible eyes, many RPC-800-1 instances still insist they observed bloodshot eyes when viewing RPC-800.
Thoughts: Honestly I think you got a good story here. I can't say anything in my opinion that would improve the story, so hopefully a grammar crit can help. Images used work well and compliment the story in the article. I can't wait to see this on site.
(account deleted)