Rotten Links, Dust, Sand
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/forgotten-and-gone
a short little creepy article, those who know will get a lil surprise ;)
Rotten Links, Dust, Sand
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Rotten Links, Dust, Sand
I’ll spare the word for word because it’s a very short article and I can’t notice any glaring mistakes in neither grammar nor tone and go straight into the review.
I really wanna like this, it ticks all the right boxes in terms of general atmosphere and structure, but I think it’s a little too short for its own sake. Sure, it is creepy, it does the job, but it just leaves me wanting a bit more! I understand what the final log is trying to imply, but it’s still a little vague. If it were to be slightly tweaked and given a bit more context and detail, I might even rate it 5 stars because other than that it’s really great.
Best of luck Tarb :)
Marco Marchi B. Mark
Charlie's Crit
I honestly don't have much to say on the grammar side of things. The article is pretty concise and well-rounded for a short article. The only thing I could say is would you consider expanding on the containment procedures.
I understand it's a short article, but I feel containment procedures could be lengthened a bit (This is all personal opinion and can honestly choose to ignore it if you feel my idea would subtract from your goal.). I would say how about adding procedures on how research personnel are to approach the anomaly…
Yeah honestly that's all I got. You've already got a good article so far. It's really short and could use a bit more meat on its bones, but for what it is it's good. Honestly 5 stars.
Best of luck 👍
Can't say it did it for me at its current length. I get you're going for an Ozymandias sort of deal but it's really short on imagery. An early 2000s PHP website isn't quite as evocative as the remains of a massive statue abandoned somewhere in the desert, even if it does strike the same vein as like, the Library of Alexandria.
There is something here that could be achieved in a brief length but I think you're absolutely going to have to do away with the Oblique References. Those don't really give me much other than "oh abraxaham might have known SOMETHING…" which really isn't a lot, especially since we don't really know wtf was on his website other than "pretty much anything". Like I get what you're doing, but there were like a million BookFinder style pages in the history of the internet, and only one Colossus of Rhodes IRL. It's not quite as wondrous and fantastical, not that it couldn't be if you took it a bit further.
Might be verging on writing your article for you but near the end I was kinda hoping to see how "remembering" abraxaham might affect people's lives, like just the way the people you used to know influence how you act now, but it just ends on pippin getting suicided for what honestly looks like reeeeally little even for FUCKING EVIL CONSPIRACY standards.
While it is theorized that exposure to RPC-605 outbreaks may cause the person to become latent outbreak-instigator
I have no idea what you meant to say with "become latent outbreak-instigator"
Description: A collection of characters ("ΑΒΓΔΧHAM") that
Caught you stealing my drip little nigga…
result in the creation of false memories in the subject
Why not subject -> reader?
and affected subjects will loose interest in the topic
loose -> lose
often repeating its own username as a calling card
Pretty sure its isn't correct here, should be he or she or they.
I think I understand the vision. A very short article about a guy who refuses to quite stay down and out of the public consciousness, who knew things he shouldn’t and wanted to share them. The shortness of the article isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s so lacking in certain key components I can’t say I like this draft as is.
It doesn’t even need an Earth shattering story to be enjoyable, just something a little more to work with. Ozymandias worked as a poem because it was in ruins in a desert; that comes with implications: workers, builders, architects, enough prosperity to take time to flex and not just survive. A website in the early 2000s could be thrown together by a 13 year old who learned HTML coding. It doesn’t come with the same vibe and weight and it really leaves the last portion of the article feeling limp.
This is going to be quite short cause of how short the draft is.
to become latent outbreak-instigator
What exactly does this segment mean? I think it needs to be reworded to be a bit clearer.
will loose interest
Wrong lose, ha.
I got nothing else. At least nothing else I can see.
In the current state of this draft, it feels really weak. It just kind of happens and before it does anything interesting or implies anything that might stick with me, it ends. I really can’t help but ask “okay, and?” when I’m done reading it. Abraham had a database full of random shit, and it was off-putting and creepy, and he got vanished for it. Okay, and? If the article implied a little more, maybe gave us a more concrete vision of what was actually in the old website rather than describe it as just any other y2k database, I would care more.
A part of me is a little disappointed in how much I dislike this, as I am a believer of sometimes less is more. That being said, there is a line between only the necessary information given, and not enough information given, this article is on the wrong side of that line.
Pippiners lives on in my heart
/forum/t-17158410/rotten-links-dust-sand#post-